Candy And Orgasms

Oh yeah! Guess what I'm doing tonight? I'm sitting here with a 2 pound bag of Red Vines and I have eaten probably almost half of the bag! SUGAR! That's right boys- I'm back! I am getting my sugar fix- I am making up for like two weeks of no sugar and after that a months worth of orgasms! So after I polish off this bag of candy- I'm locking myself in my room and will not come out until I have had a months worth of orgasms dammit! OK- so I'd have to miss like a weeks worth of work for that to honestly happen. What?! I'm a very sexual person! I can't help it people!


Well- I am off to make up for lost time! If I don't fall into a sugar coma first. Details to come! Maybe- if I feel like it.

So Over It!

Test, test- Anyone out there? Ehem-


I'M DONE!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!


Yes people- I am done talking to Dom's at this point. I have only found cowards that are not true Dom's- they want to take up my time, tell me things they think I want to hear. Yeah- you can all go to hell! So- I will continue to post on my blog- I just may not have any experiences to post about for the time being. But there are a few topics I have been wanting to discuss so I will write about those things. Until then- lets find some kinky play partners huh? Huh? Ok- I know, I know. Just kidding. Even though I sooooooo want a spanking and rough sex- I am holding off. Sorry guys. You'll just have to wait. Come on- where are all the real Dom's? Do they exist? Huh? I am so pissed right now I can't see straight! Where have all the real people gone? I am not reaching out to anyone for a long long time! You will have to come to me and prove you are the real deal if anyone wants to talk to me! So help me if I hear from another fake- you better run! I can take care of myself and you don't want to get on my bad side! I am the sweetest person ever- unless you do me wrong. Then- good luck to you! I will go on a rampage! I don't think I am asking for all that much- just someone who is honest and open! Is it honestly that hard to find?! Oh my God- I could seriosuly strangle someone right now. I am going to go run for like 5 hours! Hopefully that helps me deal with my anger issues at the moment!


I'm Out!

My Decision

So I made my decision on who's rule to follow. yes- I took a big step and I followed Sir's rule over R's. I told R- "nope, not following your rule. I'm putting my trust in Sir and I am following his rule." So what was R's intention in this punishment? Exactly what I thought it was- to test my devotion to this potential Dom. So I guess you could say I passed!


Immediately I e-mail Sir and tell him what just went down. I tell him I chose his rule over R's. I hear from him today and he says he is happy I chose the way I did. I am glad I could please- I mean I am a sub after all. I live to please! Then he asks me- "so you've decided you officially want to be owned? No question no one else- you want to be ALL mine?" Inside I'm freaking out like a little kid "yes, yes, yes!" But I try to play cool :) I ask "is that what you want?" Of course no answer "I asked you first." Of course- forgot- not in charge here! I tell him at this point knowing what I know about him I would want him to own me. I hesitate a little even though inside I want to be owned by Sir. When it is actually presented to you- you freak a little. Well at least I did! I think- this is my chance to back out if I truly do not want to give up control. But honestly- I want nothing else than to give up control to another. But it does take a lot of trust to give one so much control.


For the time being he asked me if I wanted to complete a task for him tonight. I thought well of course I do! He said "well you may play with yourself tonight and your favorite toy. For as long as you want- but at least 10 minutes." I'm thinking "yeah! I'm getting rewarded for good behavior finally for following his rule! Finally- finally I may be able to think again! I wont be frustrated anymore." No such luck- "but NO cumming." Awww man! You are really trying to kill me! So I of course complete my task. Now in the beginning I think- 10 minutes- I can do that; I'll just stop right after that so I don't have to endure the frustration more than I have to. But as I get into it I think- "no I'm going to milk every minute of this! Who knows when the next time will be that I get to feel this." I guess I am just a masochist- I played to the point right before I knew I was going to cum. Why? I wanted to feel that frustration. I want to be on edge. I have been for almost a month now- it would seem odd to not be on edge at this point. I may complain the whole time but I love the control of being denied pleasure and I love being on edge!


So at this point I will say yes I do want Sir to own me- officially. I just need to find out what the terms are. I am excited to begin my journey in bdsm. I want to learn and experience everything I can. I am overjoyed that Sir would want to own me. So hopefully within the next couple days- I will officially be owned. Update to come.

Orgasm Dilemma

R! Are you seriously trying to make me think to the point that my brain turns to mush? I think you are- I think you take joy in making me freak out a little. Just when I thought my situation could not get any worse- it got WAY worse. R- you know I overthink everything so why put me in this position, huh? Alright everyone- as you know I am banned from any pleasure by Sir, plus no sugar. Well today I had to go without panties due to being a smartass. I'm not sure if everyone knew this but I am still following the rules R set for me as well. So I basically have two sets of rules going on right now. Now this has not been a problem- unitl now! Sometimes I think they are working together. Or fighting against one another- who knows. R's rules are in effect until I am owned- which means at the moment I am following two Dom's rules! Talk about demanding! Geez guys- give a girl a break will ya?


Here is my dilemma- I am not allowed to have an orgasm without Sir's permission. But I got another punishment for forgetting one of R's rules. His punishment for me was to have an orgasm. So as you can see- I will break someone's rule eihter way! If I have an orgasm I break Sir's rule and get a punishment from him. If I don't have an orgasm I break R's rule and get an even worse punishment from him for not completing my punishment. Either way- I'm screwed! So yes R- I am overthinking it. Why? I overthink everything- you should know this by now. Also I honestly don't know who's authority I should follow at this point! I also think- well who's punishment do I fear most? But honestly at this point that holds no weight because ultimately I am the one who is willingly taking part in their rules and punishments. So I could call it quits at anytime- I just don't have to give into their demands. So the question becomes- who do I want to follow as an ultimate authority figure?

Who is Top Dog? Do I go with my mentor because I have been following his rules for so long and he has been here through most of my journey? He's my friend- if I don't follow his rule will he take it personally and get upset I chose Sir's rule over his? Or do I show my willingness to follow Sir's rules no matter what? If I follow his rule over R's will that show I am serious and can and want to follow his rules? Will he be happy I chose his rule over R's? Will that please him? At this point I don't know what to do. There is still a part of me that keeps waiting for Sir to just disappear or not be interested anymore- so I may be following his rules and put myself out there for nothing. Or I think- is he really being honest or is he just looking to chat with some girl online for some kicks? Am I playing into his game by following his rules so willingly? Or does he truly want me to follow his rules and ultimately own me? Is he different from the others I've met so far? I hope he is. I hate to doubt him- it's not that I doubt HIM- I just doubt everyones intentions now since I have met so many that have had ulterior motives. They weren't really looking for a sub- they were looking for an easy lay. So I am very resistant to put myself out there as much as I did before. I don't want to show my true self until I fully know Sir. Know his true intentions- I get a feeling he is different but I can never tell for sure. In order to tell for sure he would have to be willing to put himself out there a little more as well.


At this point I am basing my decision on one thing- it's the only thing I can go on right now. Do I put myself out there and show my devotion to Sir- show him my willingness to please or do I take the safe road and follow R's rule since I have for so long? I still have to think about my decision- I have until 9pm tonight. So I better get to thinking!

I'm Gonna Die!

Ok- so not really. It sure feels like it at this point. Well- I decided maybe I judged Sir too quickly. I'm still chatting with him and seeing how things go. I am following a few of his rules which means me being me- I get a lot of punishments. I just seem to want to put myself through hell! The minute I decide- I'm going to be good now it seems the little devious child in me comes out. I really do want to please, but it's like this little devil appears out of nowhere and says "hey- what would happen if you disobeyed or talked back? Try it- you know you want to see what happens. What's the worst that could happen? You know you want the punishment anyways." So I go along with it and I disobey to see what the punishment will be. So thanks to the little devil on my shoulder- I have now gone 3 1/2 weeks without an orgasm or any pleasure. It's almost been a month! That is the longest I have ever gone without an orgasm. I am seriously on my last leg.


With the way things have been going- I don't know if I'll ever have another orgasm again as long as I'm talking to Sir. I just keep pushing and pushing which leads to more punishments. For the past month I have been indulging in sweets since I can't indulge in other pleasures. If you don't know by now- I am a sugar junkie! Due to the fact that I have not had any pleasure lately and R introducing sugar back into my diet when we went to Citadel (Yes- I'm still blaming you R! I was doing fine before we had dessert before Citadel. I had gone months without even looking at a cookie! You've turned me into a monster!) I have been on a sugar kick now for a while. But due to my feistiness I not only have to go longer without an orgasm now- Sir banned me from sweets! OMG! I'm seriously gonna die! I didn't notice until last night- but everytime I couldn't bare the sexual frustration anymore I would grab chocolate or ice cream or a muffin or a cookie- just something to get some endorphins pumping! It would soothe my nerves for a while. But last night when I was so frustrated I thought I could punch a hole in the wall- I went to get a cookie and immediately remembered- dammit! I can't have sweets either- what have I agreed to?


So now from the lack of release and lack of sugar- my need has intensified tenfold. I know your thinking the same thing I thought immediately- "why not just have a cookie or go please yourself? He really has no way of knowing you did." Yes- I know I could get away with it- I've tried. But the minute I think "screw it! I'm done with this- I'm so going to have like 5 orgasms tonight!" I try- but I can't! I can't bring myself to please myself. Why? Two reasons: one- I know at this point if I were the one to please myself it would not take care of my craving. No- I want him to be the one to make me cum. Two- I like the control too much! I like the fact that he has denied me pleasure. I like the fact that I enjoy him taking control. So it wont feel nearly as good unless he gives me permission to cum. As crazy as that sounds- I can't help it, it's true. No matter how much I fight the feeling of liking the control- I can't help it. Even though I have not known this man for very long and still have a lot to learn about him- I can't help but want him to control me. I love the fact that when he asks me if I'm still frustrated and if I want to cum- I reply "yes!"- the simple response "no" puts me over the edge. I'm putty in his hands- I can't help but smile. I may be frustrated as hell- but that feeling of frustration- God I love it! I love being on edge. But honestly at this point- I am willing to beg for release! I'm serious! I have no idea what I would say but I am seriously contemplating it. Yes- I'm way over my head at this point. Great- not a good place to be :)

What Planet Are You From?

Either I am drawn to the crazies or the crazies are drawn to me. I can't figure out which. I have never had a conversation with someone where I was so baffled by statements they made- I'm still baffled after 24 hours. I am amazed at how this persons brain works- I don't understand it. But to each his own, his choice, his loss actually.


Well I exchanged a few messages with an individual this weekend. His pictures were amazing, (hot as hell, totally my type) he was into the arts just like me, seemed like a great individual. I wasn't going to chat with others because as I said I'm taking a little break from searching for the world's perfect Dom. But he seemed to want the same exact things as me and we seemed to have so much in common I figured- I can't pass up talking to this person. So after a few messages back and forth on the site we chatted on IM. Thank God he got right to it or I would have wasted my time. But what I don't get is- why go through the motions of adding me to IM and everything if all your going to do is tell me what does not interest you about me? You couldn't have told me this through a message on the site?


Anyways- this is where it starts to get weird! After introductions, exchanging pictures- seemed great! He said I was a fox- thank you, thank you :) Then I felt like I entered the twilight zone. He said something to the effect of "how do I put this? You now how right after a man has an orgasm... he no longer has any interest in sex?" Um- I don't even know what the hell that is supposed to mean! Not from my experience- men always seem to want more, can never get enough! But whatever- I'll indulge you- I want to see where the hell this is going. I replied "ok?" He replied with "well that is how I feel after I find out someone I am attracted to has given birth." Huh? Ok- so you don't like kids- I get it, I know a lot of men that don't want to get involved with someone who has a child- that's why I'm open from the beginning and don't hide the fact that I have a child. I told him that's fine and I totally understood. Then he turned down looney lane! He went on to say "I said I don't get involved with women that have given birth. So that includes women that have given birth yet put their child up for adoption. I can't be invloved with someone who has given birth. But I would be fine with going along with things as long as you know it could not turn into a long term relationship." Ok- buddy, let me get this straight; you are not "attracted" to someone who has "produced fruit from their womb" but your willing to just fuck a person that has a child- even though you have no attraction to women who have given birth? Sure- sign me up! Um- no! What?! Yeah- perfect pick up line dude. That has me weak in the knees for you to just take me.


Don't get me wrong- I'm fine with no strings attached sex at times- it can actually be fun! I don't have a problem with him not liking children and I have no problem with him being honest about him wanting a quick hook up. What I have a problem with is due to the fact that I have given birth- he immediately did not want to take the time to get to know me. But whatever- his loss, I was fine with that. But then from looney lane he took a sharp turn onto psycho place. I get another IM after we went our separate ways- "one more thing. I'll e-mail it to you." Here is the little e-mail I received.


Just my opinion, and I can't really speak from experience so take all this with a grain of salt, but I can only imagine that most of your relationships with Doms or other men, are going to be largely influenced by the knowledge that you have a child.

Folks less reputable than myself, upon discovering you have a child, may disregard you as an individual, convincing themselves that since you have "baggage" (and I detest the term) that somehow it is morally ok to treat you less than respectfully, or with deceitful intent.

It is not my place to tell you how to live your life but I can only imagine that were I in a similar situation, I would restrict my search only to those individuals that either have children currently, or have had them in the past, because they will be most understanding and sympathetic to your situation.

On the other hand, if you are ok with a physical experience without the context of a long-term possibility (and it seems that under certain circumstances, this is acceptible to you), then I would be sure to temper my expectations accordingly.

Please excuse me if any of this comes across as condescending or thoughtless, it is not my intention and my words are sincere.

This e-mail sounds to me like he is trying to justify to himself his lack of tolerance for women with children. Oh, no excuse me, not if they have children- if they have given birth! It is fine if you have an issue with it buddy- but don't try to push it off on others as their issue. Admit to yourself first that it is you that has the problem. You are actually THE only person I have talked to that had an issue with me having a child. Plus, how dare you tell me how to approach my life and put me in a category just because I have a child. What- you want me to hide myself away as if I have some horrible disease because I should be ashamed by the fact that my womb has carried a child? I should only socialize with my own kind? This is not 1810- it's 2010! Like hell I'm standing for someone putting me down and placing me below others based on one factor in my life! Just because I have helped produce a life- that does not define who I am. Just as BDSM does not define who I am. If you are so close minded that you can't see the other aspects of someone- you so need to take a look at yourself and do some soul searching- honestly. You're just hurting yourself- your limiting your opportunities in life due to your single mindedness.


Maybe I'm the one that is odd in my thinking- but I don't judge one on their walk in life, the way they look, their status. I judge people on their personality and nothing else. You never know what's truly inside someone until you get to know them as a person. That homeless man you saw yesterday walking down the street could have been a CEO of a company a year ago- but due to unfortunate events in his life he is now homeless, has nowhere to turn. I know that probably is not the case- but you never know. Don't judge a book by it's cover, ever! Some of the greatest people I know are judged based on their looks or their lifestyle choice- those that judge are the ones missing out on getting to know and have their lives touched and more fufilled by these beautiful individuals. So it is not the judged that miss opportunities- it is the close minded individuals that cannot see past stereotypes and misconceptions that truly are not living life to the fullest.


Also- I want to say I am very sad that someone thinks so poorly of someone that has given birth. Until you have been in that moment- you can't even fathom the feeling of peace, empowerment! To know you are carrying a life inside of you and their survival depends on you alone. To feel every little kick and movement- knowing it is your own flesh and blood. That moment when you hear their first little cry and you look into their eyes- you can't understand how something so perfect could even exist in the world. That moment- the first time you hold that little life in your arms- you feel all is right in the world. There is no feeling that can come close to that- nothing. As they grow and you see each smile, each new word that is spoken, first steps taken, forming of sentences, accomplishing tasks- all those moments- nothing compares. When you've had a horrible day, temper tantrum after temper tantrum, screaming, hitting, crying- one little embrace and hearing the words "love you Mama" washes all of that away- you feel the deepest most intense love for another you will ever feel.


How can you call something so precious "baggage"? It's not baggage- it is the greatest gift in the world and I'm sorry you view something so wonderful as baggage. Again- if you never get a chance to feel a love and peace like that in your life- you are the one missing out. No- I will not apologize or be brought down by the fact that I have given birth. I am joyful and take pride in that fact! It is one of the best things to ever happen to me. I have never felt so womanly and empowered than when I was pregnant and when I held my baby girl in my arms for the first time, nursed her- that moment- perfection. That is what a woman was made for and I will never apologize for that. I will not be made to feel as if I'm diseased for being a woman and taking pride in it. So take that looney tune :)

WOW!

I must say- this explains soooo much! I just took the myers briggs personality test and I am amazed at how accurate it is in describing my personality! Also- it says my personality type- INFJ, is the most rare personality type- only 1% of people have this personality type. Maybe that's why so many don't get me LOL. So for all that want to get to know me better- read! It's like someone sat down and explained MY individual personality. Also- take the test yourself, see how accurate it is. Also I'd like to know what your results are. I love this kind of stuff.


http://www.personalitypage.com/html/INFJ.html

Bright Orange Wallflower

I must say I feel quite ignored lately people :( No more e-mails or discussions about my blog- do you not find me interesting anymore? Yes! I'm whining- I miss the discussions, the attention. But that is just me- I'm the type that acts out to get attention and then once I'm noticed I can't handle it so I act like I didn't want to be noticed. I admit it- its out in the open, I'm an attention whore! Ok- so maybe not to that extreme but I do like attention from time to time. I want to know people know I exist! Geez- is that so much to ask? (Of course I'm totally being sarcastic- hopefully you all know that by now) Plus- I'm not chatting with like 5 dudes now- so I kind of have time to think again! I admit I do like chatting with Sir and am interested to see where that goes, but I do miss all the attention- I'm not going to lie :) So- I feel the need to misbehave sometimes to get a little attention. What? I know- feisty- that's me!


I have noticed though that I am one that is very shy but from time to time I act out as if to say "Hey- over here! Notice me! Look what I can do!" Then once I am noticed I freak inside and realize- "oh, maybe I didn't want the attention." I think we are all like that though- it is in us as humans to want to be noticed, we crave that attention. We want to know others accept us, know we exist. Some just may act out in an unhealthy way. I just tend to be like a little kid and keep bugging you until you pay attention to me :) I get frustrated sometimes because people don't take the time to get to know me for me. They tend to see this shy girl who does nto put herself out there and they judge me totally based on that. I don't mean to sound full of myself, but I know it is completely true. Ask any of my friends or one that has taken the time to get to know me- they will tell you I am one of the funniest, outgoing, sweet people you will ever meet. Once I am comfortable around you- I open up and I am a party! I'm just pure craziness! I'm up for anything- as I'm sure you could tell by some of my posts he he.


So yeah- I want to be noticed! Who doesn't? I may act like I don't and don't put myself out there all the time because I think I don't deserve anyones attention, but that doesn't mean I don't crave it just like everyone else does- I am human after all.

Vanilla Friends Not So Vanilla After All!

I have been avoiding my best friends phone calls for 4 months now because I could not figure out how to tell her about my new found submissive side. I know! Most are saying- why do you need to tell her anyways? Well, she is my best friend in the whole world! I've known her for 20 years- we had a freaking threesome together for God's sake! She knows me better than anyone in this world- even my Mother. She would know if I'm hiding something from her. "Well just don't talk about your sex life." OK- maybe my friends and I are just odd- but we always share every detail of our sexual encounters with each other! I know guys say- we don't share details, maybe it's just a girl thing or maybe just a crazy thing between me and my friends only. But- we share details! She would know I was hiding SOMETHING! So I have spent the past 4 months trying to figure out a way to tell her I'm a kinky SOB!I finally let the cat out of the bag tonight. Boy it sure did not turn out the way I thought it would.


So I called my friend- told her I was sorry for avoiding her calls and I had something to tell her. She immediately freaks- "what is it? You're not pregnant are you? Who's baby is it? OMG- STD?" NO! geez- calm down! Nothing bad. I swear, and I thought I overreacted! After I stopped her from having a major heart attack- I tried to spit out my message. I didn't even know where to start! So I just asked- do you know anything about dominance and submission when it comes to sex? She had no idea what the hell I was talking about. So I said- BDSM? Oh lord- the floodgates swung open! "What's wrong with you?! Where the hell did this come from? You're the shyest person ever! How could you be into that?!" OK- um, that would be why I am a sub and not a Dom! So I tried my best to explain to her that I like the control aspect of things and that I am not into punishment- when I actually am, but I knew she would not be able to handle that part! Once she calmed down she took it better than I thought she would. I could tell she was very interested in it but was embarrassed to say she was. She asked me what types of things I liked and had tried. I told her basically I only liked the man being in charge of things in the bedromm- which we all know is a big fat lie! Again- I know she would not be able to handle the fact if I mentioned things like floggers and collars and leashes! She could barely handle when I said I liked spankings and my hair pulled. So I ended the conversation feeling much better that I had finally shared my big secret with her.


The night got very interesting! I get a text shortly after begging me to send a list of "kinky dirty things" I enjoy because she is interested and that her boyriend is as well. WHAT?! OK- sure, sounds like fun. So I ask R for a good list to send them. Of course being the good mentor he is he finds one right away since I have miss Domme ordering me to send it NOW! Wow lady- a little excited to see the kinky kinky list huh? Or totally just trying to snoop to see what it is I am into exactly. I get another text asking what I am into- I say there are too many to list and that I don't know exactly what I'm into because I have not tried most. (I just don't want to say) She says to list my top three and that her top three are spanking, nipple torture and she likes it rough. Hey, hey- she might be kinkier than I thought! So I tell her my top three- spanking, hair pulling and I LOVE it rough.


I get a call- my friend's in a panic "we can't open the list you sent!" Geez! Just use your imagination then- it's probably on the list, pretty much anything you could ever think of is on the list- plus some. Then of course I get the story of what's going on while I'm talking to her on the phone- she has a big mouth :) Apparently some nipple pinching and God only knows what else is going on- some orders being barked and tickling and lots of mumbled words. OK- time to get off the phone and have fun just the two of you, I'm not into phone sex, especially when it does not involve me in any way! OK- so maybe if I'm involved but we're not getting into that :) She proceeds to say "you may have just made my sex life a little more exciting!" Come to find out- my vanilla friends are not so vanilla!

Too Passionate?

I have realized something about myself recently. I knew I was a passionate person but didn't realize that I bring that aspect into every part of my life. I'm not just talking about passion in the sense of relationships, sex. When most hear the word passion they immediately think of sex, pleasure. I realized I approach everything full force from the beginning. I don't embark on any project in my life without being passionate about it. I put everything I have into every situation in my life. I am enveloped by it- I think that is why I tend to think things to death. When I am in a moment I am THE moment. I let it take over- I breathe in the moment. Whether it be work or time with my daughter, time with a friend, working out- I am in the moment completely. Nothing shakes my determination. I also think that is why I tend to take things so personally and I let things get to me. I am forever giving my all in every aspect so I get so involved in the moment that every emotion I feel is intense. Whether it be sorrow, anger, happiness, excitement, love- everything is intense to me.


So I wonder if a person can be too passionate. Am I too passionate of life in general? I know I tend to put myself out there more due to the fact that I am so passionate but I can't hold it back. If I hold it in I feel like I'm going to explode. I am forever having others tell me to relax in situations. I can't! Can't you see all my feelings just seeping out of me? Some may find it annoying, some may love it. I think it is a great trait to have. But it does have its benefits and its downfalls. Since most don't seem to be as passionate about life as me- they view me as too eager to please or weak. I don't think a willingness to please is a weakness at all. It is part of me and I can't help that- why should I feel bad about that? Yes it can get tiring feeling everything so intensly every moment of everyday but I can't turn it off. I've found that people have taken advantage of my eagerness to please and my passion for life. That is where it can be a bad trait- if someone wants to use it to manipulate you. But I think it is more of a good trait than a bad trait. Especially in this lifestyle. Knowing I am a passionate person and knowing I will do anything to please lets my partner know I will always give 100%. I will be in every moment of every encounter with my Dom. I will do everything in my power to make sure I please every moment of everyday.


Just the past few days something has switched in my thinking process. I don't know what triggered it, what brought it on- or if it just happened. I went from thinking as an independant individual wanting to be bratty and push limits and fight someone with everything I have to wanting to turn down that brattiness and only please. I want to know what exactly pleases a person, so I know everything I do pleases them. What the hell? Since when do I want to willingly submit with no fight at all? What changed in me? I think I just officially became a true sub this week. I think I was still trying to fight against my needs because I still thought it was crazy for me to want to give that much control to another. But now- that's all I want. I totally yearn for the feeling of being owned- cherished. I want to live to please another- I don't want to disobey and fight someone. I want them to tell me exactly what I can do to please them and give my all to please.


I am not going to reveal anymore about this subject at this point. I am a little confused by this transition at this time and I need to digest. I have been caught a little off guard by this change in thinking. I don't know what to do with it at this point. Yet- I am so at peace at this moment in my life. I feel like I've come home after being away for a long time. I feel like I've finally found that girl I was 10 years ago- but now I am a grown woman willing to admit to my true self.