Kinkier Everyday

Did I just win the kinky lottery or what?! My God!!!! I am insanely happy right now and I honestly can't say why. I am actually very confused because I've been told by society and due to my upbringing to feel a certain way about things- but I feel the total opposite! I'm just having a hard time wrapping my brain around these new emotions. I am still trying to tell myself it is ok to be alright with these things! It's ok to like the things I like and I am not alone in my feelings. This world is filled with people that feel the same way I do. I don't need to feel alone and like a freak anymore because of these thoughts and feelings. I need to just give in and embrace them so I can finally let go and just be me- completely- without being embarrassed. I'm the only one holding myself back- no one else. I need to stop worrying if my ideas and thoughts are too crazy to mention out loud or try and just do it. I think I am ready to do that finally.


So Kinky told me a little about his play session with his new play partner- I'm not mentioning anything about the session because that is not my story to tell. I'll just say that instead of feeling upset or jealous like most probably would since I can say now I do care for Kinky- I was ecstatic! The more he told me and the more I saw how happy he was- the more excited I got! I was like a kid who saw Santa for the first time- I was in awe! I was like "wait! Let me comfy!" Snuggle all under my covers- turn the TV off- give you my full atttention, get a pen and paper out and take notes- just kidding. "OK- now I'm ready. Spill it!!!!" I just kept thinking how happy Kinky was and I think I was as excited as he ws about everything- and I'm happy Hottie Patottie was able to have so much fun. Told you you were in for a treat ;) The only negative feeling I had was that I wish I could have been there to see all the fun! Also that I want to try some of the things they did- but I know my time will come- this wat Hottie's time! I didn't have any jealousy or spiteful feelings- I was in heaven!


Another reason I'm so happy is I love the fact that the communication is so open between us all! Instead of feeling like an outsider or that I'm forgotten about I feel like we are all in this together and in it for the same reason- fun! Yes I know that we each have our own connection with Kinky but it's hard to explain- I feel connected to Hottie just by hearing about her experiences and we have a common bond now- Kinky. Plus I'm pretty sure we are all pretty new to the scene if I remember correctly. Too much? Oh well! That's how I feel. I love to hear about their experiences and I'm glad Hottie is interested in our experiences. Also- this is so fucking hot- Hottie wants to watch Kinky and I play! Mmmmmm! She said she'll even take pictures. At first I thought- oh no way in hell!!!! No one is taking pictures of my big white ass! Sorry- insecurities, trying to work on them. But if people seem to think my ass is not that bad maybe I need to start listening and have a little more confidence- so bring it! I'd love to see since I don't get to watch when I'm in a scene- take pics!!! Hell- I'd even like to watch Kinky and Hottie play sometime too :) Oh and yes Hottie- from what I've seen so far you are sexy hehe. Which says a lot because I don't often come out and say when I find a woman attractive and also because I'm pretty picky when it comes to women. Of course- men totally do it for me- but it's not often that I find a woman attractive. So yeah- I'll admit when a woman is hot.


Did I just go off the deep end?! Who is this woman that has taken over my mind?! My God!!! No- this is just me and I'm finally admitting and accepting my kinky side! So- yipee, yipee, yipee! I'm so excited to continue on this journey and not only try new things but delve deeper and find out more about my true self.

Poly Heaven

I have a dream! A dream that one day... well I do have a dream but it's not inspirational. A dream that a lot will not understand one bit but I don't give a damn! First off- side note. I'm sorry Kinky and hmmm- what should I call Kinky's new play partner? Hottie Patottie- cause she is! I'll admit when a girl is attractive hehe. Kinky and Hottie- I'm very sorry for my outburst in my last post. I am still new to all this and it is my own insecurities that cause the issues. Also because it came out of nowhere and I was totally not expecting it. I have no problem at all with Kinky having another play partner- I'm actually happy! I am happy knowing it makes him happy and I'm glad others get to explore with such an awesome play partner- he really is! I just let my own insecurities of not feeling adequate and pretty enough get to me from time to time. It was in no way shape or form meant to hurt either of you or make you feel bad in any way! I was just voicing my concerns at the time. Play, explore, have the time of your fucking life because everyone deserves to. Hell- I'd love to hear the adventures you two have- just not right after a play session Kinky :) At dinner? Sure! Hanging out? Great! Before a play session? No problem! Just not when I want to know how I made you feel during our play session- that is my time! But any other time feel free to discuss anything- I love kink and that is is why I enjoy my time with Kinky so much- we can talk about anything! Oh and Hottie Patottie- pst: two things- if there is anything in my blog that gets to you let me know, honestly. Second- you chose a great person to explore with. He is kind and considerate and adventurous. Plus you are really in for a treat let me tell you! :)


So- I have a dream.... fantasy, mirage whatever the fuck you want to call it. Poly Heaven!!!!!! Ahhhhh! Am I going straight to hell for including those two words together? Probably- but fuck it! I'm having too much fun! Let's call it Operation P.H. shall we? Ok- too far? Meh- who cares. What is Operation P.H. you ask? My ultimate fantasy when I first learned about the poly lifestyle when I was a teen. Say what?! yes- lets just describe it as a poly household. That to me would be fucking awesome! To have a whole group, friends, play partners, whatever- that all have an understanding and it's just a free for all! Huh? Damn right it would be awesome! Boys, girls, everyone lets join hands and sing!!!! Menage, orgies, boys on boys, girls on girls, boy on girl on boy on girl on boy on girl- what am I Dr. Seuss now? But what would be the best part of it all? The support, knowing you have others that understand where you are coming from. The love! The understanding! The... pleasure! Well a girl can dream.


I'm know I'm not the only one out there that is into that type of thing so don't judge people! You're kinks are probably way worse than mine! hehe I think that is why I enjoyed BaGG so much. It was like a free for all of spanking! Except- I think I was the only sub there. Everyone was exchanging spankings. Um no- I don't do the spanking- I live to be spanked!!!! But go ahead all! It was hilarious and a joy to watch actually. Also- Kinky's friends I met- it was like a close knit group and they all just seemed to be comfortable and open with everypone in their little group. Awesome! I felt like a little nerdy girl on the outside like "What do I have to do to get in the club? Do I have to audition ot something? I want in!!!" No- I don't just screw anything that walks! I am one that has to have that established trust in order to play- but once I trust you- go to town! Also- public play, little more lax. Like when Kinky and I went- if he trusted the person enough to say "spank Mariposa." I would trust him enough to not have some crazy ass sadist have his way with me. So public play a little different.


Oh- another tangent. Yeah Kinky- you want me to have to use my safe word? You are going to have to try a lot harder Sir. Implements you say? Bring it! Flogger? My favorite! Also- crops- God! I saw this video with one being used and I sooooooooo want to try it. Restraints? Mmmmmm! Rope? Dear Lord! I can't wait, I can't wait, I can't wait!!!!! What was I posting about again? Sorry I get going on kink and I just fly off the handle. Oh right- poly! Yeah- you get it- I was born in the wrong era. Free Love!!! To most- especially in the lifestyle I can come across as very closed off and not willing to try ANYTHING! I'm just a very shy person- but all you have noooo idea of the dark, sadistic, twisted fantasies that go through my head. Many I honestly am embarrassed to admit. That is exactly why I am not posting them on here! But if I did I would finally hear the words I've been wanting to hear forever- "damn girl!! You're a freak!" That's right! Only a few will ever get to see just how much of a freak I really am though. The rest of you can just sit and wonder. Sooooo- Operation P.H. possible? Maybe- you never know. For now- come on people and let your freak flags fly high!!!

Real Thoughts

Ugh! I hate insomnia- but I have so many things running through my head right now. Possible issue- OK R, please just don't even mention this post. I don't want to address this issue and I don't want to hear what you think I should feel about this subject and blah blah. I just have to voice it and move on. I can't sleep- why well one: I was just told something that I didn't think would upset me in the least but am sad to find out it kind of does upset me. I mean I'll get over it but right now I am pretty sad.


I know I'm not one that can totally satisfy a person- plus I know that it is hard for me to find one person that fits all my needs. I just didn't expect things to happen so suddenly. I feel like as soon as I really started to connect with Kinky- and I finally really start to open up and get very comfortable- something is thrown into the mix I didn't expect! Lately since BaGG it seems I have not been holding Kinky's interest as much. That to me kind of sucks because it takes me a long time to open up completely to a person and I feel now I can't. I feel like there is something in the way. Yes I understand we are poly- I'm not saying I'm not but it is odd to me that only one other person was mentioned before that he had a connection with and then all of a sudden out of nowhere- here comes news of another girl I have heard nothing about- oh and he seems less interested in me when we do play!


But the real reason I am upset is because of something that happened tonight. I felt as if I am competing for time with this girl and that I don't hold his interest. I have no issues with being poly- Kinky can play with whoever, whenever he wants. We are not in a committed relationship and I am fine if he plays with others- I have no claim on him. But- when you are with me, be with me. I don't want to hear about how much you can't wait to spank someone else's little ass after you just fucked me. I want to hear if I did for you! Not how someone else is going to do it for you later on in the week. I understand you are excited to get to play with someone new and I know how it can take up a lot of your thinking- it's like a new toy. You always are fascinated with the newest toy you have. The others that you have had for a while kind of get pushed to the back for a bit. I understand that- I just didn't expect it so quickly ater we started to really connect. I feel kind of cheated honestly.


I am one that concentrates on one connection at a time. Also- I am one that doesn't connect with a lot of people. I am very choosy and I will only open up to a select few. If I'm just starting to connect with someone- I don't want to bring another into the mix until I have really established where I lie with the other person. Now I feel I can't do that because this other girl is taking up Kinky's time with me. I spent a lot of last night hearing about this girl. I don't mind hearing about her but to me it seemed like he would have rather been with her than me at the moment and I don't like feeling that way. I don't mind talking of others, hell I wouldn't mind being friends with this girl- but sorry- when I am with an individual- it is Mariposa time! Call me greedy- but you concentrate on me! You still feel a connection to me? Show me and stop wondering about your new toy! If that is the case- I don't want to play for a while until you get her out of your system a bit and can go back to giving me your all when you are with me. I came back from vacation wanting to actually open up to Kinky a bit more and had a few questions for him on our connection and then out of nowhere "Hey- yeah, so want to be listed as play partners on fetlife? Oh by the way- there is another too. I ask because she asked if she could list me as a play partner so I figured I'd better add you too." Ok- well, that explains the distance after such an awesome night at BaGG- I thought there was something wrong with me! No- nothing wrong with me- I haven't changed. I was wanting to come back after vacation and sit down and actually discuss what the fuck we are and where we are going but then I am hit with this out of nowhere!


I'm only upset because- fine call me greedy, call me what you will- but I want my time just like everyone else. That is the only reason I am upset. I feel that I now do not have my time and the attention I need to have a fufilling experience. Also- R and something Kinky said last night kind of upset me. They both mentioned how busy I am because I'm a Mom. Also- Kinky told me to go home to my daughter. Ok people- I am a grown adult and I can do whatever the fuck I want and stay out as late as I want. Just because I'm a Mom does not mean that I can't have time for myself. I put my child first yes- but don't mention it and tell me to go home and take care of my daughter and then spend half of the night with me talking about some other girl. That is not fufilling. That does not show me you want to spend time with ME. Thas shows me your mind is somewhere else and I feel you would rather be with that other person at the moment and do not appreciate the time you spend with me. If that is the case- no problem. Just tell me and I'll let you be for a while. If you don't want to take the time out of your day and would rather be with another- go spend the time with them then. It makes me feel like I'm just a stand in for the time being. I don't like that. Concentrate on me and not another. That is my only issue. Also- I have had maybe 2 hours of sleep and I get a little cranky when I don't sleep so it might be worse also just because of that factor hehe. But last night I did feel like I was competing for time and I don't like that feeling.

Welcome Home!

After being in a kid friendly environment for almost a whole week I was about to pull my hair out! Don't get me wrong- I love being a Mom but for God's sake my kinky side can only stay hidden for so long people! I need adult time dammit! Lord! If I have to say "Don't pick your nose!" or "Let's go potty." one more time I'm gonna go postal! I need to talk about cocks and balls and spankings and oral and sex!!!! Sex! Sex! Sex! Mmmmmmmmmmm! Ok- I think I got some of it out of my system.


I just spent a week at Disneyland- the happeist place on earth. For who?! Maybe a 3 year old! But the happiest place on earth for me would involve naked men and women walking around freely and groping! Hell- cuff me to a St. Andrew's Cross and flog the hell out of me- that would be a happy fucking place! But I'd settle for a spanking anyday! Alright! I admit it! I am now a spank junkie. I'm a sex junkie- well nothing new there- we all know I have a sex drive that would make a rabbit look celibate. But spanking and biting and scratching and hair pulling and being pinned down- God! The more I have it the more I want! I'm not only a spankaholic- I'm a D/s aholic in general. Especially after the experience at BaGG- I'm a freakin addict. I'll be completely honest with you all- my whole evening from beginning to end- the drive to BaGG, meeting everyone, the bonding with Kinky, the public spanking and the end of the night- all together the best experience I have had since I started playing. I had so much fun and I enjoyed every minute. I felt so comfortable the whole time and felt more like myself. I want to feel that way everyday! So after an experience like that- which I really consider a turning point in my outlook on D/s in general- I didn't really want to leave town on vacation- I wanted more dammit!


I often wonder if I just think about D/s too much or if others are constantly reminded of it during the day. Sometimes I feel like that's all I ever think of now- but honestly as a sub I guess we just naturally think of it more because we are the ones who's ass is bruised so everytime we sit for the next couple days we are reminded of the experience by the sting- or by the bruises left on my arms and my tender neck from bites aches everytime my shirt brushes against it. Also I have rules to remember each day so I guess it's no wonder my mind is always on D/s. Oh- and considering how many hours I spend a day writing for my blog- yeah, I think about it a lot. I wonder if Dom's are reminded or as mindful of it as subs are daily. Or is it more just when they are in a scene? Of course, in my opinion anyways, subs should always be aware of their "place". To me D/s is more about mental connection and not just a physical thing. Anyone can use a paddle; Anyone can make me have an orgasm (well- I would hope they know how!) But if there is no mental connection there- boring!!!! If I'm not challenged mentally the whole time- I get bored very fast. To me D/s is a mental connection more than anything. Most my age don't view it that way- they just like the sexual part of it- but to me it's not just sex- it's trust and connection. The sex is an afterthought- a benefit. So I like being reminded during the day; I like to be mindful of my place- I enjoy it.


Anyways- where was I? Sorry- I went off on another tangent. Vacation, right! I enjoyed myself but I was happy to be home. Friday I was in one hell of a bratty mood- I get like that sometimes. So I texted Kinky a few messages just because I could. I wanted to see how far I could push. I told him "ha! there's nothing you can do about it because you're not here." Like I said I'm a spankaholic so I was trying to push him so next time we met I had a few punishments coming my way, hehe. He texted me back "meet me at your place after work." Mwahahahahaha! My evil plan work- wait, what?! Today?! Trouble- I'm in big trouble! He'd asked me earlier what kind of panties I was wearing- well I have boring cotton bikinis and then I have my cute panties. That morning I put on some boring panties, pulled on a pair of jeans, put my hair in a ponytail, no makeup- screw it! I'm not trying to impress anyone at work. Lesson #552- always be prepared to see Kinky at any time- that includes cute panties, hair done and preferably girly clothes or else you are in trouble- especially for the panties! Note to self- get rid of boring cotton panties- STAT!


Why do my plans always backfire? I'm thinking I have time to prepare and store up some punishments but no! Now not only have I gotten myself in trouble again by mouthing off- but I have broken Kinky's rule! I'm not dressed accordingly! Fail! It's not like I could say "yeah- that time really doesn't work for me, can we reschedule to sometime next week?" It's not a freakin dental appointment! It's an appointment for my ass to get one hell of a beating! On the way home I'm thinking "Great! What kind of punishment have I gotten myself into now?!" He texts me- "how's the drive?" I can't help myself that day. I'm in a bratty mood and I just want to push buttons. I figure, well I'm already in trouble- why not push him a little mroe?! Let's see what you got! I text back "Oh horrid! I'm on my way to meet an evil man that shows no mercy!" "Well the longer you make him wait the more it will hurt." Ooooooh- is that a challenge Mister? "Maybe he needs to learn some patience. I'll get there when I want to!" He texts back "I am patient. It is just a question of what you will do to please me." Dammit! Using my subbiness nature to want to please against me. Fine! You win! "I'm trying my best."


As I'm driving I realize- Kinky probably knows me well enough by now that I'm pushing buttons so he will spank me- so as a punishment I'm betting I wont get spanked! I'll be lucky to just get a tap on my ass! My plans never work. I always sabotage myself. I'm expecting to have a few moments to gather my thoughts before he shows up at my house- but as I pull up to my house I notice his truck is already parked in front of my house- aw man! Oh and he's not sitting in his truck- he is waiting for me in the driveway! Gulp. Yes I know he would never do anything horribly wrong but he knows how to use scare tactics very well and he knows they always work on me. My mind is my worst enemy. I get out of my car- should I be happy to see him at this point or fearing for my behind? "Hello Miss. How was your day?" Well it was going great! Not really sure how it will end though. We get inside- I'm expecting him to shove me down on the ground or slam me against a wall or something- he's too calm! You're driving me crazy here! He always does the complete opposite of what I expect- you do that on purpose Kinky? I know you like to keep me on my toes but come on!


Kinky is just standing there talking, very calmly while my mind is racing through different scenarios. Also I'm distracted by the cuteness! What can I say? I have a thing for dark hair and blue eyes. I'm torn- I don't know if I should be waiting for the punishment or admiring the cuteness. I'm excited because I know I'm so close to getting the spanking I want- it's been over a week since the last one! Inside I'm jumping up and down "I'm gonna get a spanking! I'm gonna get a spanking! Yipee!" Or maybe I'm not- maybe that's my punishment- no spanking. He gives me a hug "I missed you."- well I missed him too. Very much so- I enjoy his company. We hug for a while- then I find myself pinned against a wall yet again- yummy! I like the feeling of his body against mine. Mmmmm- the whispering begins. "Did you miss my hands in your hair, pulling your hair? Did you miss my hand around your throat? My hand on your ass? Did you miss my cock in your tight pussy? Did you miss knowing your my slut? My fuck toy to do with as I please?" God you have no idea!!! Dammit- why does dirty talk get to me so much? He starts biting my neck and pulls down my shirt and bites my shoulders. Then he pulls away and sits down in a chair "get on your knees." Oh- ok, oral- always up for that :) "no lay across my lap" Wait, what? Huh? Oh- no, no, no! I am not 5- you are not turning me over your knee to spank me! Like hell I'll stand for that! Wait, wait! OMG- I am laying across his lap like a 5 year old!!! Spank! I am getting spanked over his knee! Spank! OMG! He hits my legs "let your legs go, I got you." No! I am not a child dammit! Let me get up! "Let your legs go!" He smacks my legs harder- alright alright! Spank, spank, spank! This is kind of humiliating! But then again- isn't that part of the draw to D/s? OK- go ahead. He lifts up my shirt and smacks my back- Yow! Totally unexpected! It's odd- your body gets used to a certain type of pain- like I can handle spankings a lot more that I used to be able to- but the back- not a place I'm used to yet so it's pretty tender. I'm not sure whether I should like it or not! Still undecided.


After a bit he tells me to get up. He leads me back to my room and tells me to lay down on my stomach- I do and he holds down my arms and starts spanking me- hard. He tries to pull my jeans down- No!!!!!Not a good idea- boring panties! He flips me over and takes his knee and holds my arm down- Yike! That's gonna leave a bruise! I still try and fight him- he pushes my arm down harder and grabs my hair and yanks "why are you fighting me?" "Because" "That's not an answer. We've already been over this! A shrug or because is not an answer- so why?" "They need to stay up." "Why?" I get an idea- hmmm. What will he do if I just refuse to answer? I sit there and look him in the eye like "make me answer. What you gonna do about it?" I wait to see- I guess he figured out my tactic because he just sits there and waits. Damn- nothing, that's what he's going to do because he knows I want a reaction out of him. Fine! I tell him and he says "well too bad- they're coming down anyways!" He flips me back over and pulls down my pants and spanks me- he gets my back a few times too. Then he turns me over again and shoves my arms down and smacks me on my stomach, ribs, chest. Ahhh! I can't help my reaction- WTF! You're hitting me?! I get mad for a minute- you violent son of a- wait, hehe. Hello! Isn't most of what we do considered hitting? Spanking is hitting- hell we even use instruments to make the blow have more impact! I've just never had anyone smack me on my stomach before and I guess it's just a natural reaction to want to protect your stomach from trauma. I can't help but tense up. Also in my mind I'm trying to figure out if this is a punishment or is it for enjoyment? I still honestly don't know if that is something I enjoy or not.


Kinky lays on top of me and says "I think I'll just lay here for a while." He literally lays on top of me- I sit there just waiting for him to make a move. Whatcha planning? You know- I could so take you! I'm strong! I try to pull out of his grip- nope. I keep trying- I could take you! Let's wrestle! I keep struggling- fine I guess I'm not going to win- as usual. I say "Fine! You win! Do what you want!" "Good- you finally learned if you just give in and let me be in control things actually happen." He bites my neck- oh God, I go crossed eyed- Mmmmm! Didn't know I liked biting so much. Seriously- you want me to shut up or just not able to think- bite my neck! It's my kryptonite apparently! He helps me stand up and leads me back out to the living room and tells me to sit down- what the hell do you have planned next?! Oh- we're just talking. Ok- hehe. But when he starts talking all I can think about the whole time is how I just want to jump on him and start making out!!! Like teenagers- rolling all over the floor, wrestle, get out some sexual frustration and stick our tongues down each others throats!!! Nope- he's done, we're just talking. Not the time :(


I just want to say it is nice to have someone to explore things with and I always feel safe and in a good place. It's nice to have someone to trust and you know you can be yourself completely and there's no pressure. I hope I can create the same environment for him as well. It's nice to just talk about whatever is on our minds. I don't judge and I know he doesn't- so it is nice to just speak my mind and I like to hear his thoughts as well. I have trouble trusting someone that much but I am glad that I have found one I can trust.

Sorry You're Mistaken- That's Not Me

So am I going to jump into the dark abyss and become a hermit again or am I going to actually live and experience life? Hell yeah I'm going to live!!!! I am having way too much fun to stop. I am on a road to finding myself again and I have never been more happy- ever. I realized what got to me yesterday- well it's a combination of things going on in my life right now. I am dealing with a lot of changes and big decisions in my life right now and I'm not one that does well under stress. I totally let it get to me. I know that and I'm trying to work on it. I always think it is good to learn your weaknesses and work on them so you can grow as an individual. That is what I strive to do everyday- be the happiest and healthiest I can be. Because you only live once and I want to stop letting things drag me down and actually live. I deserve it!!! What got to me yesterday? Well I am dealing with some stress in my personal life when it comes to family at the moment so anything could have pushed me back into my old habits of wanting to run and not face things. It's the straw that broke the camels back- and I never know what will trigger certain feelings. Also I didn't know I had been dealing with certain things in my life the way I have been dealing with them until I sat down and thougth about it.


I realized I have two parts to my life now. I have my kinky side and my friends that are into BDSM and then I have my "vanilla" friends and family life and work. I have subconsciously been keeping them totally separate. It's like I'm Superman- I am both kinky and I have my normal everyday life- my everyday clothes and my leotard and tights underneath- oh and the glasses of course, can't forget those- that's totally what throws people off! They will never recognize me as kinky Mariposa if I remember to take the glasses off. My outer layer is my normal life and underneath, hidden where no one can see is my kinky side. I hide my kinky side and when I want it to come out- I take off my normal everyday life layer. So yesterday R met my daughter for the first time. Uh oh! The two sides collide! My kinky side has just entered into my everyday life. Now part of my "kinky world" has met my domestic side. Yes we went to a kid friendly place and yes there was no discussion of anything kinky- well there was some, she's only 2 and a half she doesn't understand everything yet. But yet it was still odd because here I am as a Mother hanging out with a friend that is kinky like me and I have really only seen him in an adult setting- holding my child and pushing a stroller and making up ridiculous songs to sing and annoy the shit out of me!!!! I'n thinking "wait, wait- hold up here! You are not supposed to have a soft side Dude. You are a Dom and have always been a Dom in my presence- so you don't get to be all kid friendly with my friend. I mean for God's sake- you set rules for me and punish me by me taking pictures of my ass and chest and panties that you bought for me and have Domme's flog me! You don't blow bubbles with a 2 year old!"


I guess I have been living in two different worlds for my own peace of mind. I thought I had to hide my kinky side and am still ashamed of it a lot due to my family being so close minded. But I realized I shouldn't have to hide it because both sides are me. There is no reason why I have to keep living in two different worlds because this is me- take it or leave it. That doesn't mean I'm going to go tell my family- "hey, I like to get spanked and all those bruises you see on me- yeah bite marks." No way in hell am I going to tell them! I just mean that if I am going to keep meeting new people in the lifestyle as I am and I hope I do because I am enjoying it so much- that I shouldn't feel ashamed for being a single Mom and still kinky. Or that it is ok for my friends to see me in a normal everyday setting. Honestly it would be great to have friends that I feel comfortable with my family meeting since I am a huge family person. I am very close to my family so I am tired of feeling like I have to hide every single reason for going out. I make up ridiculous lies about where I am going and who I am hanging out with because I don't want them to get suspicuos of my recent outings hehe. But I don't want to do that anymore. This is me and I am accepting both sides of myself. I am just going to go with the flow and be open and live. That is all I can do and all I want to do at this point. I just want to experience life to the fullest. Oh- side note. Don't worry Kinky- my next post will be about our last meeting :) I just had to finish this one up.

Not Again!

I was planning on writing about a million other things but I just can't get past the thoughts in my head right now. One thing I was going to post was my last little meeting with Kinky- sorry Kinky- I can't. I have too much on my mind right now and it is eating away at me. I realized something that I have been doing for a while and I don't know how to stop! I want to but I am so scared and confused right now that I don't know what to do. I feel myself slipping away little by little again back into the black hole where I was for 10 years of my life. Void of all feelings, avoiding feelings and people in general because I thought I was worthless and didn't want anyone close to me that could possibly hurt me. I don't ever want to feel that way again but I find myself teetering on the edge- I could go either way. I'm fighting the force that is sucking me back into the hole but I don't know how long I can keep up the fight.


Before I explain what it is that I found I have been doing let me explain a little more about what I have been through in the past 10 years. I really don't like to go into great detail about it because I don't want to be one of those people that just vents about their problems- I'd rather keep them to myself. I'm not looking for anyone to say- "oh, poor you. Look what you've been through." I'm actually embarrassed that I let it get to the level that it did! That is the reason I don't talk about it! As I said before- I was in two mentally abusive relationships in the past 10 years. Yes I know- what are the odds of that? Well apparently I am drawn to those types of individuals- or they are drawn to me. I guess I just tend to like more controlling men and I happened to find two that were controlling in an unhealthy way. In short- these past 10 years- I have lost every single friend I had except one. I was distanced from my family- I had no life. My life involved my boyfriend or husband and that was it. I never went out, I was basically a hermit. I lost every person I cared about. My boyfriend turned every friend against me and made them think I was crazy and needed professional help and that I was a huge liar. I had known these friends for years before he even came into the picture- yet when he spoke to them- they believed him. Every form of support I had in my life abandoned me- turned their backs on me, just like that. I had grown to trust these people and they just walked away. Even my family turned their backs on me. I had no one! Every person I cared for in my life vanished. I guess it hurt more because these were people I trusted- it would have been different if they were just strangers. Who cares? They don't know me- but these were the most important people in my life that just gave up on me. So I find now that if I start to trust someone at all- I go into panic mode and try and push them away before I can get any closer to them.


I want so badly to trust others and have friends and go out and live life but I'm so scared of everyone leaving me. I can honestly say I do trust R and Kinky- I know I do. But that is why I am scared as hell! Doesn't matter if it is just friendship or if it is more- I freak out. I finally realized what triggered my panic this time. The night I spent with Kinky at BaGG we really bonded I think and I enjoyed it but knowing that he knows more about me now and that I trust him- I am in fight or flight mode right now. I just want to run- I want to run away and just forget everything and hide in my house and ignore life in general. But on the other hand I don't- I want to live! I want to trust people! When I start to trust someone I've noticed that I panic so I start to do crazy things to push the person away. I don't want to tell them to just leave me alone- so I do odd shit to push them away and give them an excuse to not talk to me anymore. I can act distant or in some cases I have acted like the most clingy person ever if I know that freaks them out so then they end up just disappearing- which is what I wanted to happen. I just drove around for 2 hours hyperventilating because I wanted to run but I have nowhere to run to! I have responsibilities- neverending responsibilities. Plus I've been dealing with some other personal things in my life at the moment with my family that are really getting to me so I just want to hide. I want to escape- I want to be alone. But at the same time I want people near me, I want them to tell me it will be ok and that they are here for me- yet it scares me half to death! I can't even hug my freakin Mom anymore! My own family! I've been on my own and distant from everyone for so long that I don't know how to handle attention. If someone is nice- I wonder what their angle is instead of just assuming they are a nice person- I think they are trying to gain my trust just to push me down again.


I think I'm not worth anyones time and I always question why someone would want to take time out of their day to talk to me or visit me. A few days ago I was so happy because I was finally having fun in my life again- after so long! I was having the time of my life! But then I start to panic and I let it get to me and I freak. I settle back into my old habits and think I'm worthless. I want to continue having fun and exploring this new side of myself- yet I fight everyday now to not run. I'm sure you all are wondering- well if you can't handle trusting someone and want to control everything, why do you want to put yourself in a situation where another is in control? Why? It is a release- it's actually empowering. I want to please and I want to trust. I enjoy it so much and find I am giddy after a play session. I am on top of the world! But then my lack of self confidence kicks in and I worry, wait for everyone to just abandon me again. I wait for life to prove to me again that I am not worth peoples time.


Right now I am standing at the edge of the black hole- deciding whether I want to jump in and run and disappear so no one can hurt me or if I am going to stay where I am, healthy and happy and just go with the flow and be open and willing to trust.

Another Year Gone... A Thousand Lessons Learned

I was on vacation this past week so I had a lot of free time to think. I started thinking about where I was this time in my life a year ago. I was exhausted physically and emotionally from my divorce. Barely able to get out of bed in the morning because I was so tired of having the weight of the world on my shoulders. Every responsibility to take care of my daughter and provide for a household was all on me. No one to turn to, no one to talk to- all alone. I just wanted it all to end. I wanted to go to sleep and never wake up. The only thing that got me through the day and my only reason for functioning was my daughter. I had to get up in the morning and go to work to provide for my family- no one else was going to do it. No one else was going to get up with a sick child all night and go to work after only 2 hours of sleep. I did everything in my power to take care of my child and then the moment that I put her to bed every night- the world ended. I didn't live- I simply survived. I would spend hours binging and purging and then lie awake all night, crying. Then get up for work in the morning after another sleepless night, dragging my feet.


I spoke a little before about my eating disorder. I don't think I'll ever open up completely to anyone and tell them the extent of it. But a few now have asked if I still struggle with it. Honestly, I don't think it is something you get over or ever goes away. I have always had a love hate relationship with food and I think I always will. Each time I sit down for a meal it is a struggle. Every calorie I consume each day I still feel guilty about- no matter how much I had to eat that day. Whether I had huge meals or just one snack all day- I feel guilty. I still enjoy that empty feeling in my stomach when I haven't eaten. I know most can't understand that- hell I don't even understand it! But I am happy to report I have not made myself sick for over 6 months now. As for calorie restriction- I still struggle with that and always have ever since I can remember. As I said before- the only reason I share this is because I hope maybe I can help someone that may be in a similar situation by sharing my story.


Six months ago- out of the blue- something in me changed. I have no idea what it was that changed my mindset- but I woke up one morning and begin to take back control of my life. I have learned so many things about myself these past few months its unbelievable. It is hard to believe it has been such a short period of time. I am 27 and I realized I have missed out on my 20s. Your 20s are usually the time to discover yourself, learn who you are- live life! I missed out on all that. I went from a 4 year long mentally abusive relationship (16-20) to another long term relationship that was similar in many ways. My Ex- Husband was also mentally abusive, just not in the same way as my prior boyfriend. He was more subtle about it. Instead of saying things outright like my first serious boyfriend, things like "you're fat and ugly and no one would ever want you!" he would plant seeds of doubt and sit back and watch them grow. I met him when I was 20, got married when I was 23, had a child at 24 and got divorced at 25. Now I'm a single Mom at 27 and trying to believe that I am worth someones time. I still struggle with that. I think I am a waste of everyones time and that I don't deserve their attention. I'm trying to get more comfortable and feel ok, secure being submissive. For so many years I've had to be strong and try and hold it all together when in fact I wanted nothing more than the total opposite! I'm realizing it is ok and freeing and WONDERFUL to give control to another. I can finally say I am ME again and I'm loving every minute of it. I'm not weak in any way for willingly giving another control- in fact it is empowering. It is that release that I have been craving for so long.


I had said I wanted to be that girl that I was 10 years ago- but I realized that's ridiculous. I am a woman now who knows what she wants and knows how to get it. That girl from 10 years ago doesn't know anything! I feel like I have to make up for those 7 years I wasted- taking care of a full grown baby! I didn't marry a man- I married a 5 year old in a 27 year olds body that I had to do everything for! I've missed out on my 20s and I have to say it does upset me, but I am a stronger person because of it.


I wanted to take a moment to thank the people that have helped me learn more about myself these past 6 months. I will acknowledge the good and the bad because it is both the good and the bad that make us who we are- they blend together to form a beautiful story. Just as one Dom told me before that I talked to- you can take the good in your life (the rich, healthy soil) and the bad, ugly in your life (compost, garbage) and mix it together and it will sprout into a beautiful flower. All your experiences in life shape you into the beautiful soul you are.


So first- thank you Thunderbolt for reminding me that I don't need to get involved with another player and immature little boy. You showed me that I am better than the whores you usually meet and I will not be treated as such. Thank you Blow Pop for always being a gentleman and helping me understand there are actually good, honest people in the lifestyle. Also to not just settle for anyone who claims to be kinky and yet you have nothing else in common. Thank you Atomic Fireball for reminding me that I like conversation just as much as I like sex. Oh- and thank you for reminding me of every disgusting flaw I despise in men- always good to have a reminder every once in a while. Thank you "Sir" for showing me that sometimes I do need to stand up for myself and speak my mind and realize things on my own.


Alright R! Here we go! Sappy time- go ahead, go puke now and get it over with. OK, you ready? Thank you for restoring my faith in men in general and helping me remember the importance of friends. Life definately gets lonely without friends. Also thank you for bringing laughter and joking back into my life. I'm finally back to my sarcastic, goofy self. I'm sure you're glad that I am as sarcastic as you! Thank you Kinky. Thank you for being sweet, kind and understanding and open and honest! Thank you for going on this journey with me of kink :) I enjoy every experience more and more. Also, thank you for showing me that I am still desirable. Last- thank you for all that take the time to read my blog. It makes me so happy that there are people out there that actually find my story interesting and enjoy my writing. I started this as a place to just let out my frustrations, kind of a diary that anyone could view. I figured no one would read it at all, it would just be for me. But it has turned into so much more. It is an outlet for me to get everything out in the open- I am one that has to express myself somehow. I can't just keep things bottled up inside and this allows me to clear my mind and get things out.


People may think I am too passionate about life in general- but I can't help it. I went from wanting to die to taking joy in every moment of every day. I feel like I have a second chance at life. I went from having no feelings, no drive for life at all, just complete emptiness to being overjoyed that I was still alive and sane. I appreciate EVERYTHING so much more. It's like after 10 years of being in a walking coma- I'm alive again. I'm thankful every morning that I wake up and that I still have a job to go to. That I have a roof over my head and food to eat and a family to take care of. My coffee tastes sweeter, my food is more satisfying. Every touch and every kiss I feel more and cherish every moment. I am so happy that someone would actually take the time out of their day to spend time with me. Everything is brighter and more intense. I live in the moment now instead of thinking days, weeks, months, years ahead. I don't worry about what might happen- I just pay attention to what is actually happening to me. I spent 10 years with people telling me I was worthless and I finally woke up and realized I am worth something and I am cherishing every moment I have on this planet. So thank you all! You make my life richer.

The Color Purple

Holy Testicle Tuesday!!! Boy oh boy do I have a story to share :) As I said before- big plans Wednesday night- my first trip to Bondage A Go Go! Kinky Candy invited me to go. I admit I am nervous when I am in big crowds and in a new place with lots of people I'm not familiar with that are kinky sons of bitches! I'm a very shy person- I'm a wallflower, what can I say? But I was excited to go! So in a fiesty mood one day I e-mailed Kinky and basically said "use me like the little slut that I am. Do with me as you see fit." Then the next day I get a text from Kinky- "I want you to be ready to be used by me and my friends at BaGG and fucking love it Slut!" I text back "hehe, ok". After a few minutes it hits me- bam! Wait just a damn minute! Used?! By your friends?! What the hell do you have planned? That- that could mean lots of things! You know my active imagination! R didn't help things either- "I'm just worried he's going to take you somewhere for a gang bang." Thanks for keeping me calm R! Great job! Dammit- just one more worry. Me and my big mouth. Always getting myself in trouble.


As Wednesday approached I got more and more nervous. What the hell does he have planned? Yes I know it's never as extreme as the crazy ideas my mind comes up with and I know he would never do anything I didn't want to. Yet everytime- I can't help it! My brain goes into overdrive and thinks "uh oh! What if it is a gang bang he has planned? Shit!" So Wednesday comes arond and I am shaking from my nerves all day. I get dressed- not happy with my dress even after going to at least 20 stores! But my boots- God! Love my boots! I've never done this before, but for some reason I feel the need to take 20 minutes and sit there in silence- get in the zone if I'm going to make it through this night still standing. I figure- I'll meditate, clear my head. I have a feeling I need a clear head for the events ahead of me. So I sit down on the floor- ok, time to get in sub mode! I'm definately going to have to be in sub mode tonight full force! I think "you are here to please him. Your only job tonight is to make him happy and act like the perfect little sub that you are." Then instead of clearing my head I find myself looking at my boots- Damn! I don't care- I know my legs look hot in these things. I can't help wondering what Kinky's reaction will be to the boots. I know he loves boots as much as I do. I happen to catch a glimpse of the top of my dress out of the corner of my eye. Yum! I may not have the worlds biggest chest but in this dress- with the cut outs in the fabric- you get glimpses of cleavage. I guess this dress was a good choice after all! Totally my style- It's not over the top. I don't just show as much skin as I can like "look at me!" I like more subtle. From far away it looks like a normal cute little black dress- you get closer and from the right angles you get quite a view. Plus the fabric is thin so it is almost see through. Subtle yet a bit revealing at times. A tease- leaves you wanting to see more. That's my style. I don't just advertise the goods to whoever is in the room to see- I don't hang out in my panties and bra! You have to work for it and I have to be willing to show you.


After my little meditation- or self ogling session- I go back to the living room to wait for Kinky. I'm feeling pretty confident with my boots and dress. Knock, knock! Woo hoo! I open the door and the minute I see him I lose all confidence- I almost run into the other room. I think- "maybe I don't look good after all." But I must say Kinky looks hot as hell in his uniform. God, I LOVE uniforms. I'm almost torn- I know he has leather pants and I was expecting to see him in leather but when I see that uniform- yum. "Please officer, is there anything I can do to persuade you to not bring me in for questioning? Anything at all?" Oops- sorry, went into cheesy porno fantasy mode there for a minute. Now due to my drop in confidence when he walks in- my plans to jump on him the minute he walks through the door shatter. I'm too busy thinking "Do I look alright? Am I dressed appropriatetly? Do I just look like an all out fool and not sexy in the least?" So I just stand there in the kitchen leaning against the counter unable to make eye contact. He grabs me and hugs me- well that's a good sign. Bites me on the neck- Mmmm! Already leaving marks and the night hasn't even begun- yeah, turtleneck needed tomorrow. He turns me around and shoves me into the wall and pins me down with his arm on my neck, upper back. He may be on the smaller side but he is strong! God- I love it! That feeling of knowing he has the strength to put me in my place. He tries to lift up my dress, I fight him as I am already in self conscious mode. I'm thinking "no! My ass is horrid- you don't want to see it!" He shoves me harder against the wall and lifts up my dress and spanks me. "Don't fight me!" He spanks me harder. He grabs my hair and pulls my head back. I don't know why but it seems I can't help it- immediately everytime he goes from talking about normal everyday stuff to Dom mode- I can't help but smile at first. Like "yeah- let's get this party started!" So when he pulls my hair that first time and whispers in my ear I get this huge grin on my face. "Did you forget what I told you yesterday? Or did you think I forgot? Why didn't you suck my cock right when I walked in the door?" I say "no, I didn't forget." He lets go of my hair. "Well get to work then." I kneel down in front of him. God I love to suck his cock. After a few minutes he pulls my head back and says "Now stand up and take off your panties."


I stand up and take off my panties. He stuffs my panties in his shirt pocket. I'm thinking "Don't tell me I'm going to have to go all night without panties! Dammit!" He turns me around so I'm facing the wall and fucks me. He only does for a few minutes- just the perfect amount of time for me to be in the mindset of "I'll do whatever the fuck you want right now!" He hands me back my panties and says "now put your panties back on slut." I get myself back together. He says "I'm not going to spank you because I'm sure my friends are going to do a good job of that tonight." Oh lord- another public spanking! He said friends! Plural- how many we talking here?! Am I going to be able to sit tomorrow? We head to his truck. I ask him "ok, what do you mean used? That could mean a lot of things! Just a hint please?" "Well, they'll use your ass that's for sure. But no, no one is going to fuck you." Damn straight they're not! I may be open but yeah- we are not talking gang bang here! After a bit of driving he tells me to suck his cock- he has a thing for getting head while driving. But honestly- I don't ever mind sucking that cock- it's nice, very nice. So instead of just trying to make him cum quickly- which is usually my goal- I just try out different things, try to figure out what he likes best. Everyone's different. I think you have to experiment with each partner at first to see what drives them crazy. Plus- I just like oral. So I try licking, sucking hard and fast, slow and deep- Mmmm- ok he likes that. I scratch his thighs while I'm sucking on him- oh he really likes that! Yum. We pull into the parking lot and I am already a hot mess and we haven't even gone into BaGG! So we get out and start walking. I'm still self concious wondering if my boots are too much and if my dress is too plain.


Now- a very nice gentleman was going to be at BaGG also that I had exchanged a few messages with but wasn't really looking to see if we connected on any level other than friendship. At first when I chatted with him I did but I was there with Kinky and I just wanted to enjoy my time with him that evening. I didn't want to try and connect with another at that point. That wasn't my goal that evening. I was kind of nervous to see him there because I didn't know how he would take seeing me walk in with Kinky. I don't know if he is poly or not- not sure what his thoughts are on all that. I had told him I would be there with a friend but not a "friend". Kinky said "Don't worry. My friends and I will protect you from him." I'm thinking- oh great! This is not going to turn out well! He's going to go off somewhere and leave me to the wolves! But the minute we get in the door he grabs my hand and leads me letting everyone know I'm there with him. I have to say it was totally unexpected but I ate it up! Oh oh! He is here! Maybe he wont recognize me, maybe I look different from my pics. He looks at me "you're beautiful in person." Blushing- I hate compliments. Then he comes over and stands right next to me. "Nice to finally meet you." I'm completely at a loss for words. Don't you see me holding Kinky's hand? "Nice to finally meet you as well." I am torn- I feel bad because he was wanting to meet for a while and I'm always nice to everyone, but I don't want to lead him on because at the moment- I'm getting close to Kinky and I'm not one who wants to meet several people at once and try to establish connections with numerous people. I take my time and I concentrate on one connection at a time. I really want to take the time to get to know Kinky more and I am working on trust with him. Plus- it takes a lot for me to actually open up to someone in order to trust them. I admit- it is very hard to gain my trust so I tend to shy away from people- I only trust a few individuals completely and it takes time to get to that level of trust. "You were my main motivation for coming out tonight." Aww, shucks! Who wouldn't smile at that comment? Awkward silence. "You really are shy in person." You have no idea! The way he's looking at me though I admit I feel a little special. He's looking at me like I'm this gorgeous creature. It's nice to get that kind of attention. Then Kinky grabs my hand "Let's go outside." "Your not going to take her away from me already are you?" "Yep!" Ok- so I like that two individuals are giving me so much attention- hehe.


We stand outside for a bit, well quite a while! I like that I can talk to Kinky wihtout being self conscious- that takes a lot for me. I am normally on edge the whole time I am talking to someone. We chat with a few others. Kinky starts talking about his uniform- Mmmm. Love uniforms- the only reason I mention this is because he starts showing me how they had to stand in the acedemy. He turns around so his back is to me- his hands are behind his back and I have never had this feeling before in my life but looking at his ass in those pants I honestly don't know what I want to do! I have a few thoughts running in my head. I want to spank him or maybe grab his ass! I just want to rub my hands all over his body! But I don't only because we are outside in public with others around and um, yeah- I wouldn't want to stop. I'm in boot and corset heaven! I want every pair of boots that I see others wearing and I want a damn corset! Yum. Some young jock looking dudes are walking down the street and one of them says loudly "vampires!" hehe- what just because we are in black and like kinky sex we are vampires? You want a vampire? Come here and I'll bite your neck- I know you'll end up liking it! You wish you could have the kind of pleasure we all have in our lives. After a bit the lower level of the club opens and we go inside. I love the fucking city! I am so happy to just be around others that are as crazy as me. I feel a connection with each individual just by being at this club and enjoying the same things they do. I wish I could feel that comfortable everyday. I can honestly say when I am at any event that involves BDSM- I am at peace. That is the only way to describe it- I am happy, comfortable, I feel at home. I feel like I've been lost for years and finally found where I belong.


The gentleman that was talking to me earlier found us again and we start chatting. Kinky takes my arms and wraps them around him so I'm hugging him from behind. Then the battle of testosterone begins! I'm sorry but I felt like the most gorgeous woman at that moment. Here I am- I have two men not really talking to me but to each other and trying to top one another on their kinks. Trying to impress ME and show who is the real man! What could be hotter?! The gentleman says he likes to spank and he likes paddles and things like that. Then Kinky had to talk about how he has spanked my ass quite a bit. Then the gentleman comes back with something and it goes on and on. I'm just sitting there listening to it all and loving every minute of it. Both of these guys- want me! Yahoo! Just a litle boost of confidence. We go back upstairs and watch some of the play going on. Hehe- I'm standing between two guys that apparently have slipped and fell and bumped their head leaving them with a massive brain injury so they now think I'm some hot chick so they are both trying to impress me, while watching my favorite- flogging. Mmmm- I want to be in there! Why do I love a flogger so much? I don't know why but I do! We head back outside to get some air again. We start talking to some of Kinky's friends. He tells them he would like them to spank me! Oh great! Here we go! He is speaking to an older individual- then he start talking to me. "So have you been spanked in public before?" "Yes" "With a hand?" "Yes" "How about a paddle?" "Yes" Then he lists a bunch of things I really don't hear cause I'm sitting there thinking "Am I wrong for finding this coversation totally hot?!" Here we are discussing spanking! My spankings! Hehe- I can't wait!


After a while we go back inside to look for another of Kinky's friends. We find her and I get to meet her which I have to say I was excited about. I've heard a lot about her and I love to meet new people. She is a Domme but apparently loves Kinky's spankings. We chat a bit then out of nowhere it turns into a wrestling match between Kinky and his friend. Actually- kind of hot. Then he starts spanking her- ok totally loving it! I don't usually get to see Kinky when he is spanking me so I don't get to see how much he enjoys it- plus I love to see someone get spanked :) He then talks to her about my public spanking- how many people are going to spank my ass tonight?! Come on! We head back upstairs and hang out up there for a bit and then finally- thank God, cause my feet are about to fall off in these damn boots- we go sit down. We sit down near the dance floor downstairs. Mmmm- Go Go dancers. Yes, I'll admit if a girl is hot- this girl was pretty cute. But I'm not really paying attention to her right now- I'm not really paying attention to anything right now because I am sitting next to Kinky and just enjoying my time. We are both cuddly people so I think this was actually one of the times I liked best about the evening. We just sat there and kind of cuddled- of course there was some making out invloved and biting and rubbing- you know. But I enjoyed just talking and sitting close to him. It has been a long time since someone has shown me that much attention and I love it. I also have to say I found out just how much I enjoy biting as well. I bite him on the neck every once in a while but I don't usually do it very hard. He told me this time I could bite harder- so I did. I know it might sound odd but I love that feeling of flesh between my teeth. Plus I love his reaction to it. I could go on and on about this part of the night but I wont. I'll just say that I felt like we bonded a lot at that time and completely got lost in the moment and didn't care who the hell was around or who was looking or what we did- I just focused on our time.


We head back upstairs after a while and talk to another of his friends. We sit down and they are talking their man computer techy mumbo jumbo and I just sit there with a blank stare on my face. Hello- there are people getting spanked and pinched and flogged over there and you are just sitting here like it is a regular night club discussing technology? Dudes! I was done- this is kinky time people! I mock them "mwah, mwah, mwah, mwah." Kinky grabs my hair and pulls hard "Don't mock me." hehe- yeah I'm in a fiesty mood. His friend looks at us and says "so is she your sub?" I don't know what to say- I look at Kinky to see what he says. Well- I mean we're friends but yes I am the sub in the dynamic- but HIS sub? Not sure about that one. I wait for Kinky to answer "Yes, she is." I try not to act like a giddy school girl. Yes- we are friends and I know we connect but I'm not sure if he is looking to have a sub. Not sure if we are just friends, play partners- what it is- but I know we have a great time together and connect. Labeling it never crossed my mind- but the minute he says I'm his sub I have to say I actually liked hearing that. Just like I liked the whole night how he held my hand and led me through the club- I just felt like he totally wanted me there and was happy I was there with him and I just felt special. Kinky went outside to get his friends for my spanking after that! Oh God- here goes nothing!


So Kinky left me with his friend while he went outside. He was a very friendly guy and I admit cute. But this dude is younger than me- too much younger than me but I keep thinking- he's hot! At one point he asked me something and the way he looked at me and the way he said it I was like hyperventilating inside. I like sexy voices and words really get to me. But then I mentally slapped myself- Stop it! This dude is a baby compared to you! Ok- so not really. He gets up and leaves so then I am there sitting alone. I freak! OMG! What the hell? Now I'm sitting here all alone before I get spanked in public and I have no one to calm me down! Ok, deep breaths- you're going to live, it's just a spanking! Finally Kinky comes back with his friends. Oh boy- my legs are shaking. His friend- the one that was asking me all the questions earlier about bare hand spanking and paddles etc. is first. "OK- do you want to start with the skirt down and then pull it up or skirt down the whole time?" What?! I can't think! OMG! Ok- breathe. You are not going to be naked and people see this all the time around here- nothing new about a girl getting paddled. What the hell- lets go for it. "start with the skirt down and then pull it up." He asks me to lean over and hold onto this ledge on the wall. He starts to rub my ass- I'm freaking a little inside because here I am being spanked by a married man and his wife is right there watching the whole thing! Sorry- new concept to me! He spanks me firmly. OK- Kinky was right, he has a very nice hand. He spanks me a few more times, harder each time. Hotness! He asks me "Is that too firm or too soft?" "No it's just fine." He goes back to spanking- he lifts my skirt and spanks me hard! Then he pauses- I had my eyes close. I open my eyes and I can see his shadow and that he is now holding a paddle. Did I ever tell you I hate paddles? I've had it done maybe twice and none have been very big paddles. The one he is holding isn't huge but it is solid!


Whack! Ok, not as bad as I thought it would be. Whack! ok- so it's stings a bit. Whack! Whack! Whack! Fuck!!!!!!!!!! Whack, whack, whack, whack, whack! Sweet Mother of Abraham Lincoln!!!! Whack, whack! Baby Jesus!!!!! He calls his wife over. She's spanking me too?!!!! Yes- she spanks me! This is getting more and more odd! She taps the paddle a few time and then gives one hard smack! Oh- she's good too! She does it on the other side. Then another pause. I see another shadow and this one is a long thin instrument. I'm not sure what it is but it does not look like I will like it! Thwack! Holy Hell!!! Fuck! Fuck! Fuck! What is that thing?! Thwack! Jesus Christ and all that is holy!!!!! Another pause- OMG! Thank God he's done with that thing! NO! Not the paddle again!!!! Whack! Whack! Whack! Going to my happy place now. Whack! Whack! Am I going to be able to walk out of here? Whack! Whack! Dear God! You sure like paddles don't you?! "Are you doing ok?" I pause, I'm wondering- should I continue? Usually I would stop at this point but I know I'll want more the minute he stops. I'll push myself a little farther this time. "Yes I'm fine." Whack! Whack! Whack! Why did I agree to this?! Whack! Whack! Holy Mother of God!!!! Ok- just, just relax. He's probably almost done. "I don't work with safewords. All you have to do is tell me to stop and I will." Whack! Whack! "Now there is definately some blood vessels broken." I can tell he probably thinks I've had enough and I'm wondering that myself. But I tell him I'm ok. Whack! Whack! Ok- I'm done! He stops. WOW! I can barely move.


I stand there in total shock for a minute and I talk to Kinky's friend who just bruised my ass and his wife. Must say- very odd! I'm standing here talking to a married couple that just beat my ass! But they are both wonderful people and I'm so happy I was able to meet them. I'm glad Kinky's other friend was busy so she couldn't join in cause honestly my ass could not take anymore! After chatting a bit more we head home. The ride home is great. We talk about the experience and more deep conversation. I just like talking to Kinky as much as I like him spanking me hehe. Both are great. We get back to my house. I go to take my boots off because my feet are literally numb. "No, don't take those off yet." Aww, man! What else do you have planned? He tells me to stand up. I stand up and he sits down in the chair and tells me to suck his cock. Again- never gets old and I love every minute of it! After a while he pulls me up and has me straddle him on the chair. I don't normally like to be on top but hey- why not! Mmmm- great except for the fact that my boots keep slipping and I'm nearly doing the splits while trying to be decent on top! Yeah- not working. So we head to my bedroom. I'm not going to go into full detail because maybe this time I want to keep this part to myself :) I'll just say it was fucking hot! I love how he whispers in my ear- I can't remember much of what he said because I was in my own little blissful world but I love when someone whispers in my ear like that. I didn't give a damn how loud I was, who heard, what I sounded like- I just didn't want him to stop! Normally I'm not like that- I'm so self concious about what the other is thinking and what I sound like blah, blah. Not now- just don't stop whatever you're doing!


So yes- we had a very, very nice evening. I honestly enjoyed every second of the experience and I really hope there are more to come. A few days later R asked me what shade of purple my ass was! He pulled up a page of purple candies- I told him it was a cross between wild blueberry Jelly Belly and grape crush Jelly Belly. He said "perfect! We'll just call you Jelly Belly!" Dammit R! You and you traps! Just trying to come up with a nickname for me! Not concerned or wondering what color my ass is just for your gratification! No- you have to come up with yet another nickname! Hey- guess it's only fitting since I give all my guys candy names. I have my own now- Jelly Belly!

Parking Garages- Useful For More Than Parking

This weekend I went on a little shopping trip with Kinky Candy. I was on a mission to buy me some boots! Oh- I love boot season. I'm a girl that has a shoe fetish- but when it comes to strappy feminine sandals and boots, Mmmm- totally different level. It goes from fetish to an addiction! I would wear boots 24/7 if I could. Anyways- what was I talking about? Sorry I got sidetracked talking about boots. Mmmmmm- boots! Focus Mariposa, Focus! That's right- shopping with Kinky. Well we planned a litte trip to the mall to buy some boots and maybe lingerie or an outfit for wednesday- I'm sure I'll have a story to tell after that night :)


So first stop- boots! See I'm not like most people, I don't pick shoes to match an outfit I choose an outfit to match my shoes. Oh and my panties. I work backwords. We go into a shoe store- Ahhhhhh! Pearly gates open, angels singing- shoe heaven! I hear a choir in the backround- singing Hallelujah. Shhh! Don't disturb me- I'm in shoespace, it's a lot like subspace. I'll take one of everything you got! If it has a heel- bring the bitches out! I snap out of my little shoe fantasy- oh that's right, I have to act like a normal human being- I have company! Pick up your jaw off the floor Mariposa and wipe the drool from your mouth and play it cool, real cool. Inside I'm excited as can be. I want to run through the store tossing shoe after shoe to the salesman and say "I want to try them on! I don't give a damn what they look like. I just want to try me on some shoes!" I contain the 5 year old inside me screaming "Boots! Boots! Boots!"


I had a pictue in my mind of what type of boots I was looking for and none really stood out so we moved on to the next store and the next and the next! I tried not to take too much time in the stores because I know most men HATE shopping. So I went as quickly as I could. Finally decided on a few pair and figured- what the hell, lets try them on! They were definately not what I had pictured but they were cute. Then Kinky says "Good, I get to see you try on some boots." Oh! I totally forgot! Hello- he has a boot fetish just like me! I could have been trying on boots all day! I was just worried about him thinking "God! Can we go now?!" Awww- well I'll have to go on a trip just to try boots on now- I'll never complain about trying on shoes!


I try on a pair that are a little shorter than what I wanted- mid calf. I wanted knee high but none of them really fit the bill. The ones I tried on laced up and had a stiletto heel- hey if I'm gonna wear a heel- I'm gonna wear a heel! None of that thick chunky want to be heel. When I tried them on in the store I had on long pants so I didn't get the full effect. I thought- they're cute and kind of comfy- who could ask for more! So I buy them. It's not until I get home and try them on with a dress that I fall in love with these things. Damn! I'm gonna have a bootgasm myself from looking at these babies! Love em! I want to sleep in these puppies.


Well- I attained my lovely boots- time to find a dress! Hmm- where to go? I'm a girly girl but I have my limits! I can handle a few ruffles but usually I like things more simple- chic, sexy things. Think more feminine than girly girl. Feminine with an edge. I'm limited on where I can go to find dresses that fit me. I'm a little on the curvy side but not voluptuous but I'm not a stick figure either. It seems the world now thinks there are only two types of women in this world- big girls and anorexic models! I'm too small for the big girls sizes but too hippy for the 12 year old clothing! Hello! Whatever happened to average?! Where do I go to shop? I'm a woman- I have hips! But- just because I have hips doesn't mean my stomach is as big around or bigger than my hips! You remember the term hour glass figure? Apparently not! Well my ass is not gaining weight and I can't shrink bone- believe me I've tried! So where the fuck am I supposed to buy a simple dress? Ok- rant over hehe. I'm thinking- I want a dress that shows off my legs. That is the one thing I do like about my body- I love my long legs. Then I think- Forever 21! They have short, cute, not too trashy dresses- let's try there! I have never stepped foot in a Forever 21 store- it's just not my style. But I figure-eh, I can go for a little more girly.


We walk into Forever 21, right away I see nothing but teens. I'm like 7 years too old to be in this damn store. I take about 5 steps in and I start looking around at the racks of clothing. I see lace ruffles and big skirts and shiny fabrics and just pure hell wherever I look! OMG! Ruffles?!!! Sequins?!!! Shiny black pants to make my ass look ten times the size?!!!! I'm gonna puke! No! Too girly! I turn around "I can't do this!" Kinky just starts cracking up while I'm having a panic attack from the yards and yards of Ruffles! Ugh! I'm not 5! I don't do ruffles and I don't do shiny taffeta or whatever the hell that God awful fabric was. Blah! I'm done for he day- I'm now nauseous from frill overload.


We head back to Kinky's truck. He parked in a parking garage. As we leave I'm too busy chit chatting to notice- he is driving up instead of exiting the parking garage. Oh boy- here we go. I ask "what are you dooooing?" "How many levels are on here anyways?" Ok- fine just ingore my question- I see where this is going. Then he turns the car around like he is going to exit. Nope! He pulls into a parking spot. I think- "nah- there is no way he's going to do anything. It's daylight for crying out loud. I mean- yeah, it's completely empty up here but- it's daylight." He gets out of the car- walks around a bit- what is going on? Enjoying the weather? Gonna strangle me up here and trying to find a place to dump my body? I'm totally kidding on that one. I trust him. He just stands there staring down at the street. WTF are we doing?! Anytime I have no idea what he has planned I am on edge. My mind just goes crazy with ideas of what he has planned. The anticipation and surprise of everything is what gets to me the most. He knows this so he is forever keeping me on my toes! But it is fun I admit. He opens my door and tells me to get out of the truck. I'm still thinking- "OK- what do you have planned? I know you're not going to spank me in the daylight where someone could drive by any minute!" He starts kissing me- "oh. Ok- Making out- nothing wrong with that. I don't care if someone drives by and sees us- snogging. Then he turns me around so I'm facing the truck- "uh. No, no, no! You are not spanking me here!" I try to turn around and fight him "Oh, no you don't" Dammit! I'm torn- I want to fight but of course I want to be spanked! I wait for him to start. It never gets old- Sorry, never will. He bites the back of my neck. Mmmm- that never gets old either. I love that my neck is forever tender now when I turn my head or clothes brush against it- it's a little reminder of fun! He starts scratching my back, my stomach- Yes! Love it! Never...gets...old people!


He opens the car door and I think "Oh, that was a short session." I sit down. He says "I didn't say we were done!" He reaches for his little evil paint stick! Still a love hate relationship with that thing. I stand back up- wait a damn minute! You are not using that thing on my ass! Oh, yes he is using it on my ass. Surprisingly not as bad as I thought it would be- then again I have jeans on. Then he hits my thighs and calfs- yikes! Stingy! Then my back and my shoulders- oh yeah! That stings quite a bit! I had a very thin shirt on. Different type of pain than I'm used to. I can't help myself- it's just a gut reaction even though I'm enjoying the hell out of it I turn around and grab the stick to stop him. I'm in fight or flight mode. I'm thinking he's going to tell me to turn back around and not fight him- that's usually the case. I like to be bratty sometimes and put up a fight. But he hugs me- I immediately think "well why did I stop him? I want more!" But I also just like hugging him- I'm a very touchy feely person. I'd wrap my arms and legs around you if you'd let me. But only with certain people. It takes a certain personality type to bring out my softer side.


I had asked him earlier if he liked to be bitten and scratched as well. I love to leave marks just as much as I love to receive them. But I'm always timid at first- I don't know how much pain a person likes. Myself- I can get crazy! I like to be just as rough as I like others to be with me. But I never know how the other feels about that. I know a lot just want subs to be quiet and obey every command no questions asked- I am like that most of the time. But sometimes I just get worked up and need a release. I want to push, shove, bite, scratch, fight you the whole way. I want to leave teeth marks, scratches, leave you sore from trying to restrain me while I struggle. But I understand some don't like that so I hold the need inside to just CHOMP! I live on feedback, Hell I love it! Tell me in explicit detail what you like. Not pleasing you enough? Tell me- force me to do it exactly how you want.


After a while we sit back in his truck. Grrrr- evil little paint stick on my legs! He really thwacks me good quite a few times on my leg and I reach for the stick and he hits my pinky in the process- God dammit! How can that hurt so much? It's jut a damn finger you big baby! I give him the sad puppy dog eyes. "ow. You got my finger." "Well that's what happens when you try and stop me." Yeah- very true hehe. "I think I'll just handcuff you so I can do whatever I want to you with no fight." Me and my big mouth! Here come the handcuffs! He cuffs my hands and I am immediately on edge just waiting for what he has planned. He just sits there nicely and puts my head on his shoulder. I'm still on edge- thinking any minute he's just going to pounce! Why else would I have cuffs on? We just sit there for a while and I relax a bit. Then the choices come- fuck! I just spent how long choosing one pair of boots and you want me to decide within seconds what I want! "Since you've been a good little slut- I think you deserve a reward. I'll give you the choice- you want more spankings, or you want me to play with your clit or should I let you suck my cock?" Ok- that's like choosing betweeen coffee, chocolate and shoes! I want them all! I don't know! Just do with me what you will- I'll enjoy it no matter what the hell it is! He says he'll give me a little time to decide.


After a while Kinky asks me if I have made my decision- I don't know! They all sound great! He pulls my hair- "you don't know? Do you know anything?" I shrug again, he pulls my hair even tighter "hmm?" I shrug- he keeps pulling my hair until I'm almost laying down on the damn seat. He lets go and says "Well since you can't decide maybe I'll just cuff your hands to the handle up there and that way I can do whatever I want to you and you can't do anything to stop me." Uh oh- why do I have a bad feeling about that?! I fight him while he tries to grab my hands- no, no, no! You are not putting my hands up there! Ok- so it would probably be fun as hell but no! He grabs my wrists "geez- I'm just trying to take the cuffs off of you and you think I'm going to do something bad to you." Yes I do! You kinky SOB! I wouldn't expect anything else from you!


I finally decide after some more hair pulling- Mmmm, that I want to suck his cock. See I can type that but to say it out loud- totally different. I can type anything- cock, fuck, pussy, fuck me hard- but the minute you ask me to say it- I turn into the most bashful thing and blush and can't get the words out. But honestly my mind is as filthy as a truck drivers mouth! I think all these things- but to verbalize- I freak out- always have. I need to get over my fear of words :) I figure I enjoy sucking his cock and he says he enjoys it- he may just be saying that though hehe. See- I used to be very very confident in my oral skills but you could say I'm a little out of practice and it's been a while since I've seen a REAL cock! I admit I've been lucky and most I've been with were quite well endowed so I'm used to having- hmm, something to work with per say. But lately there are the poor souls that are lacking. So I'm a little out of practice. FYI boys- if your jaw is no longer used to the real thing- My God! Takes some time to build up those muscles I guess! Plus I have a small ass mouth! It's a curse!


OK- here I go off on one of my tangets again. I hate when guys say "yeah, I'm average." Dude- if I can fit the whole thing in my mouth without so much as gagging- it is NOT average because again- small mouth! Yeah stay in your little world of denial- cause that thing is not average! I have like the the worst gag reflex in the world unfortunately! Not getting into why- but I do. So- if you don't gag me- you get the point. I hate to break it to all you men out there but it is so not true when someone says- It's not the size that matters, it's what you do with it. Um- yeah, biggest lie ever. Yes it definately makes it fucking awesome if you have a big cock AND you know what your doing. But if you have a small cock yet still know what you're doing- not the same! What's going to feel better people? A 5" cock that pretty much fills you up or an 8" cock that definately fills you up? Damn straight the 8" wins! I don't care what you do with it- awesome! But if you have skills and a big cock- Good God! Ok- rant over.


Fun times, fun times. What's better than an afternoon of shopping for boots, a little spanking and some exhibition? Sounds like a great afternoon to me!

Yummy Yummy Kinky Candy Part 2

Where did I leave off? Oh right- pulled into my driveway. Finally! We get inside and I'm thinking- ok, is that it? Is the night over? Or are you continuing this charade? "Do you want to continue sucking my cock? Or do you want it in you?" Geez- it's like asking me if I want milk chocolate or dark chocolate. I love both! I shrug. I ask "what do you want?" I'm not gonna force myself on you if you don't want me dude. "That wasn't answering my question." He pulls my hair "it's a simple question. It's not rocket science!" Finally I say "I want you inside me." "Now was that so hard?" "No" I can't help but giggle- like I said I giggle when I get nervous. He slams me against the wall and pins my hands above my head. "What's so funny, huh? That wasn't meant to be a funny question. If I wanted to laugh I'd put on Robin Williams...." I lose it at that point. Inside I'm rolling on the floor laughing but I hold it in and say "sorry". Then he starts spanking me. "This is for making me wait for an answer." Spank, spank, spank! "A little slut like you should not sit there and waste my time by making me wait for an answer!" Spank, spank, spank!


After a while he runs his fingers lightly ove my ass "what did you learn?" I hesitate, he pulls my hair- "hmm?" "to answer the first time." "Good girl." He spins me around and slams my back against the wall and starts kissing me, biting my neck- God I love that! I don't know what it is but the minute I feel teeth on my neck I go crossed eyed from pleasure. Guess you could say that's my special spot- you can get me to do anything if you just bite me into oblivion. Ok- so that is totally a joke! Don't get any ideas Kinky! He steps away and I fix my dress strap that fell down- or somehow got pulled down in the process? Got me! I also step away from the wall- he pushes me against the wall again "I didn't tell you to move!" He pulls my dress strap back down. "Now if you want my cock inside you, you have to get me hard again." He unbuttons his pants "oh, I already am. Guess you just have to lube it up." I'm in a daze at the moment- he almost sounds like the teacher on Charlie Brown "Mwah, Mwah mwah." Huh? Were you talking to me? I'm assuming he just asked me to suck his cock. So I bend over and suck on him for a few seconds and then I stand back up. He is just standing there staring at me- the inner child in me comes out and I want to push limits. So I just stand there and stare back, waiting for him to say something. I see a smile forming- oh, he's gonna break character! Come on- I know you want to smile. "I didn't tell you to stop." Damn, not gonna happen. Fine you win- as usual. So I bend back over and suck his cock again. After a while he grabs my hair and pulls my head up quickly. He turns me around so I'm facing the wall and pulls down my underwear. Finally! I'm not going to go into details about every little thing- just not me, I have to keep something to myself! Plus at that point all I was concentrating on was my sense of touch, sound.


He takes me right there up against the wall. Yum, yum, yum. After a while he grabs my wrist and pins it behind me pulls me away from the wall and steers me down the hall towards an empty bedroom- my daughter's old room to be exact. Kinky! Wrong in so many ways but makes it that much more fun. He turns on the light- wait, wait a damn minute here! I don't fuck with the lights on Buster! Why? Because my flabby blinding white ass will make you run away screaming if it doesn't blind you from the reflection of the light first! I know I will definately not win that fight- I know the more I fight for the lights off due to my own insecurities it will just end the same- the lights will stay on. He pushes me down so I'm on all fours and pretty much just has his way with me :) The whole time he is talking to me but I am so zoned out I have no clue what he is saying- plus I can't hear him over my own damn moans! I'm in my own little happy place, he spanks me but for the life of me I don't remember any pain from it. I don't know how hard the spanks were- but I feel nothing. All I feel is pure pleasure at that point. He makes me turn so I'm facing the mirror and tells em to look at myself. I hate to look in the mirror in the morning let alone when I am completely blissed out! I look for a second and I see my eyes- who is this person?! I have never seen my eyes glazed over like this before. Then again I don't make it a habit to look in the mirror during moments like this! I'm not sure if I look like a total disaster or if it is hot. So I close my eyes. He keeps telling me to look in the mirror. I look every once in a while. Still don't know if I look completely ridiculous or not. But at that moment I don't care because I'm too busy cumming!


He pulls out and lays down on his back and says "since I've been doing all the work- it's your turn. Suck my cock." At this point I honestly don't know how useful I am when it comes to pleasuring- I can't even form a damn sentence. But I do as I'm told. Then he pulls me up to straddle him and says "ride me." With those words somehow I mentally go back 10 years. I freeze and I don't say anything- I just shake my head no. I have a little complex when it comes to something that happened 10 years ago with a situation similar to that and I can't believe it still effects me after so long. I felt so bad at that moment because I totally shut down and didn't want to talk- I withdrew as I normally do when it comes to this particular problem. I just get so embarrassed by my reaction and that something still effects me that much that I just freeze and I want to go run and hide. I don't want to talk about what exactly my issue is on here- it is very private. Let's just say it has to do with a very mentally abusive boyfriend I had at the time. See- the difference between Kinky and another play partner that this happened with- Kinky understood and stopped! He actually wanted to address it and discuss it- not just treat me like an object.


I felt like I ruined the whole night and experience for Kinky. See- Kinky says it's about the sub's pleasure and feeling comfortable- what?! Wow- I'm so used to hearing everyone say the sub is only there to please the Dom completely and not for the sub's pleasure at all. I felt like I didn't live up to being a good sub. I felt like I didn't push myself enough and didn't give my all to please. But- he was so kind during the whole situation. I totally trust and respect him more now for the way he handled everything. No matter the situation I can honestly say I trust him 100% now. It is just fun and he actually understands and takes the time to get to know ME and treats me as a person and not an object. So thank you for being a true gentleman Kinky :)


Other than me totally losing it at the end of the night- my God!!! When can we do it again? hehe I wish every night were that intense. I can only hope that Kinky receives as much pleasure as I do. Looking forward to more fun experiences.