I am still amazed each day by how comfortable I am getting when it comes to BDSM. Now that I'm comfortable with it I can explore more and truly figure out what I enjoy and what I can do without.I think since there are so many aspects of BDSM I will continuously evolve. I may like certain things now but decide later on they really don't do it for me anymore.
Things I thought I liked in the beginning- I've found out I don't like so much- and things I thought I had no interest in- I love! For instance in the beginning I thought I was into humiliation- well I found out I am but only in certain aspects. I'me fine tuning my kinks :) I found I definately do not like verbal humiliation- like name calling or comments like "your worhtless" or "your pathetic". I dislike that so much. But physical humiliation I love. Such as: having to walk around without any clothes- completely naked, Told to wear more revealing clothes- or go without underwear or a bra, Told to stand or sit in different positions- like bent over a desk naked, legs spread or with a skirt on, flipped up and no underwear. That type of humiliation I love- live for!
I never thought I would be into pain. I think because society views people that enjoy pain or enjoy infliciting pain as sick, twisted individuals. So I was totally closed off to the idea of being excited about being spanked until my ass is so sore I can't sit down. Or being turned on when I see bruises develop from rough play all over my body. Having my hair pulled so hard I tear up; having a cock shoved down my throat so I gag. Being slapped on the face- pushed, thrown down on a bed, shoved up against a wall- hand around my neck applying pressure. It took me a long time to admit to myself that that is what I like. It intrigues me that is what I love the most so far out of everything I have tried- rough play and pain- I love every moment of it.
Another thing I've learned as well is not only do your likes and dislikes evolve- in my case it changes with every partner as well. One thing that feels right with one may not feel right with another. It's situational- I may enjoy calling one person Sir, but it may feel completely odd with another. I may enjoy verbal humiliation with one but feel completely degraded and used with another. I may want one person to tie me up and use me for their pleasure only, yet with someone else I may want them to please me as much as I please them. When it comes down to it- personally anyways- since I am so into pleasing my partner- I enjoy whatever it is they enjoy. I find out what they like and I am comfortable with those things in that particular situation. I definately have hard limits on certain things but everything else I am open and willing to try with my partner if I know it will bring them pleasure.
The biggest thing I've learned so far is it's ok to try new things and it's ok to chage your mind on your likes and dislikes. At this point since I have not tried much when it comes to the "list" of different BDSM experiences I feel like a kid in a candy store. I stand in awe- trying to figure out which one to try first. They all look so yummy and I want to try them all to see which ones I like. I want to run through the store and grab everything all at once and gorge myself because I have held in my need for so long. Sometimes it is so overwhelming that my days are filled with nothing but thoughts of BDSM- I want to experience so much all the time right now. I feel like I have to make up for lost time :) But it might just be because I'm a sex crazed redhead- I can never get enough.
Side note:
I was discussing something with a Dom the other day that I have thought about numerous times before. I wanted to ask all the Dom's out there a question. I know how hard it was for me to admit that I enjoyed pain- I can only imagine how hard it was for some to come to terms with the fact that they liked inflicting pain. So I want to ask if you are willing to share your experiences with me- how did you feel going through that? What made you realize it was ok? What was your turning point? At what age did you know you enjoyed BDSM? How did you get involved in BDSM? Anything- I would love to hear some of your experiences.
Saturday, July 24, 2010
I Am Woman- Hear Me Roar!
As I said before there were two major events in my life that shaped who I am- I discussed the first, now for the second. After I ended the relationship with my first boyfriend I dated a few people and in that time frame was my little kinky friend with benefits that kind of introduced me to D/s in a way. I didn't get involved in anything serious because as I said I was numb- I didn't feel emotion anymore- I just existed.
Deep down I know I'm the type that craves that deep connection with someone. I want that closeness. So I got up the courage to start dating again- seriously. I ended up going on a dating website because I was such a shy person at that time I thought it would be the only way for me to put myself out there to meet people. I ended up meeting who would soon be Mr. Ex-Mariposa, my now ex-husband. I went into it thinking "well I have to open up sometime! I can't be one of those old women with 50 cats that never gets married or never has children!" Plus my Mom was always saying "at your age I already had 2 kids and was married." For God's sake- I was only 20! My Mom is very old fashioned in that sense- she thinks women get married as soon as they are legal and pop out babies and stay home to raise the kids. Also I have two older siblings- there is a bit of a gap in age so at 20 I already had two married siblings and one had a kid. It made me feel like an old maid- at 20! Neeldess to say I felt the pressure from everyone to find a damn husband and procreate.
In my mind I thought "there is no way I can EVER open up to someone again. I'm not putting myself through that again." But out I went- searching for a husband. I wanted to meet a sweet individual that was not pushy or overbearing in any way (which is the exact opposite of everything I actually want!) But I thought- if I meet someone who is shy and sweet and caring- he would be less likely to hurt me. So after talking to Mr. Ex-Mariposa for a few months we met in person. He was in the air force at the time. He was very sweet- totally spontaneous. I thought "great, opposites attract!" I figured it would be a great compliment to my personality. I'm the type that makes lists and checks them twice and then I make a list about that list and check that twice! You get the point- I plan, I don't take chances, I am in no way spontaneous. I thought his personality would help me loosen up a bit. Come to find out- it wasn't that he was spontaneous- it was that he just didn't have the drive to do anything with his life.
I'm not going to focus on what made our marriage fail very much for two reasons. One: it is still a bit painful to talk about and I'm not to the point yet to bare every horrible detail of it. Two: The reason for our divorce is not what shaped me- it is the year after we split that shaped me. So I'm focusing on the positive- what got me to where I am today.
Let me give a breif history of the problems that ultimately led to our divorce. Mr. Ex-Mariposa was a very difficult person to live with. I don't even know where to begin because there were so many problems in our marriage- so I'll just list them and get on with the story- I don't want to waste my time on him. Can you tell we still don't get along? :) Ok- one: he was a huge cheater, he loved women. Two: he couldn't keep a job to save his life; he lost 6 jobs in 6 years. Three: nothing was ever his fault- he always had an excuse for the things he did which led him to hurt people. For example- his cheating was my fault. I didn't pay enough attention to him, yet it was ok for him to spend his whole day on a computer game and only talk to me for maybe 15 minutes a day if I was lucky. Yet- I was the one that needed to pay more attention to him. Four: he stole my credit cards numerous times and maxed them out. He took money from our bank account, leaving our account overdrawn by quite a bit a few times. Basically it was all about him yet he was non existent in my life and our daughter's life. He was physically there but not emotionally. Our daughter was lucky to see her Father every few days for about 30 mintes because he couldn't get his ass off a damn game.
I got so tired of him ignoring us I would get so upset and overwhelmed with life in general because I was the only one doing anything to support our family that I would scream at him. I have never yelled at anyone- ever! Except for him. I'm not proud of it but he made me so upset I had to let it out- I screamed almost every night so much that I didn't have a voice in the morning. What was his response? Nothing- he just sat there, completely silent, didn't even look in my direction, didn't even acknowledge my presence in the room with him. Finally one day I told him I wanted a divorce- his only response was "OK, you can have the house and Sassy(that's my daughter, nickname of course :) and I'll go move in with my parent's." What?! That's it? I devoted my life to caring for you, taking care of this family and all I get is an ok? Plus he acted as if our daughter, his own flesh and blood, was a piece of property that could just be left behind. In that moment- it all came to a head. All the hurt I never dealt with from my first relationship combined with the hurt from my failed marriage broke me. Mentally- I checked out.
We went our separate ways- he moved across the country to live with his parents. There I was left alone with a house to take care of, a child to raise and a pile of debt to take care of. I felt abandoned, alone, forgotten. At first I was completely relieved to come home to an empty house and not have to deal with the stresses of a non existant person in my house. But it got lonely- overwhelming. I felt completely alone, secluded. I knew there was nothing anyone could say or do that would make it better. I just had to stay as strong as I could and move ahead, take it one day at a time and hope my life would get better.
I got to the point where I was even more numb than I had been up to that point. I just took up space on this planet- I only had one reason for existing- caring for my daughter. After a while I was so tired of being numb I tried to eat to feel something. I went from dealing with anorexia on and off my whole life to gorging myself on food to try and comfort myself. It still didn't help- if anything it made it worse. The guilt I felt from eating so much due to my anorexic ways prompted me to make myself vomit. The first time I did it- it was like a release. I know horrible and disgusting but true. I felt something besides pain and numbness. I developed bulimia. My days consisted of working and after I put my daughter to bed each night I would proceed to stuff myself with whatever I could get my hands on and make myself sick for hours. After that- my throat raw from it- I would cry myself to sleep if I could fall asleep at all. There were days I got up for work without any sleep whatsoever because I was up all night crying. The only thing that kept me going- that made me get up in the morning, the reason for not just giving up and ending my life was my daughter. I knew I had to take care of her- she was and still is my life, my purpose for being here.
For almost a year, during all the divorce proceedings, my life stayed the same. I was numb, existing, not sleeping, making myself sick. I was a walking zombie. Shortly after our divorce was final I found out Mr. Ex-Mariposa had moved to Arizona and was living with a girlfriend- I had not heard from him at all in months. No phone calls to see how his daughter was doing, no financial support- nothing. I found out the name of the girl he was with somehow and realized it was one of the many girls he was involved with while we were still married. Immediately I freaked! I thought "oh God- this is going to push me over the edge. How much worse coan it get?"
Shortly after that day I had an epiphany. It came out of nowhere- I was in the middle of working and it was like someone hit me over the head. In an instant I went from a broken soul to thinking "what are you doing?! These men still have control over you even though they are no longer in your life. You are letting them get to you. They don't care- they have moved on. But here you sit- still letting them control everything about you. Take back the control! They are YOUR emotions, YOUR actions, YOUR choices. Don't let their idiotic choices dictate your life. It is your life, your mind, your body- no one else should have control over that! Take back control of your life!" In that instant everything changed. I was no longer numb, angry, depressed, upset. I knew what I had to do.
I spent 10 years of my life thinking that the experiences you have in life define who you are. That's not true- my experiences don't define me in any way. What defines me is the way I handle each experience, not the experience itself. I realized I was making the choice to be depressed and not move on. So right then and there I made the choice to be ME again- whatever that may be. I was not going to dwell on the past ever- I promised myself I would find that person I was 10 years ago. That bubbly, outgoing, go getter, confident girl. I admit I am not completely there yet but I get closer each day. Now I am comfortable in my own skin- I know who I am and I accept it. I accept everything no matter how good or bad. Just like I finally accepted and admitted to myself that BDSM is for me- there is no turning back now. I've tramsformed from an ugly caterpillar to a beautiful butterfly that has just spread her wings- I have yet to fly completely free. But I know I will get there soon enough. Look out world- Mariposa is back!
Deep down I know I'm the type that craves that deep connection with someone. I want that closeness. So I got up the courage to start dating again- seriously. I ended up going on a dating website because I was such a shy person at that time I thought it would be the only way for me to put myself out there to meet people. I ended up meeting who would soon be Mr. Ex-Mariposa, my now ex-husband. I went into it thinking "well I have to open up sometime! I can't be one of those old women with 50 cats that never gets married or never has children!" Plus my Mom was always saying "at your age I already had 2 kids and was married." For God's sake- I was only 20! My Mom is very old fashioned in that sense- she thinks women get married as soon as they are legal and pop out babies and stay home to raise the kids. Also I have two older siblings- there is a bit of a gap in age so at 20 I already had two married siblings and one had a kid. It made me feel like an old maid- at 20! Neeldess to say I felt the pressure from everyone to find a damn husband and procreate.
In my mind I thought "there is no way I can EVER open up to someone again. I'm not putting myself through that again." But out I went- searching for a husband. I wanted to meet a sweet individual that was not pushy or overbearing in any way (which is the exact opposite of everything I actually want!) But I thought- if I meet someone who is shy and sweet and caring- he would be less likely to hurt me. So after talking to Mr. Ex-Mariposa for a few months we met in person. He was in the air force at the time. He was very sweet- totally spontaneous. I thought "great, opposites attract!" I figured it would be a great compliment to my personality. I'm the type that makes lists and checks them twice and then I make a list about that list and check that twice! You get the point- I plan, I don't take chances, I am in no way spontaneous. I thought his personality would help me loosen up a bit. Come to find out- it wasn't that he was spontaneous- it was that he just didn't have the drive to do anything with his life.
I'm not going to focus on what made our marriage fail very much for two reasons. One: it is still a bit painful to talk about and I'm not to the point yet to bare every horrible detail of it. Two: The reason for our divorce is not what shaped me- it is the year after we split that shaped me. So I'm focusing on the positive- what got me to where I am today.
Let me give a breif history of the problems that ultimately led to our divorce. Mr. Ex-Mariposa was a very difficult person to live with. I don't even know where to begin because there were so many problems in our marriage- so I'll just list them and get on with the story- I don't want to waste my time on him. Can you tell we still don't get along? :) Ok- one: he was a huge cheater, he loved women. Two: he couldn't keep a job to save his life; he lost 6 jobs in 6 years. Three: nothing was ever his fault- he always had an excuse for the things he did which led him to hurt people. For example- his cheating was my fault. I didn't pay enough attention to him, yet it was ok for him to spend his whole day on a computer game and only talk to me for maybe 15 minutes a day if I was lucky. Yet- I was the one that needed to pay more attention to him. Four: he stole my credit cards numerous times and maxed them out. He took money from our bank account, leaving our account overdrawn by quite a bit a few times. Basically it was all about him yet he was non existent in my life and our daughter's life. He was physically there but not emotionally. Our daughter was lucky to see her Father every few days for about 30 mintes because he couldn't get his ass off a damn game.
I got so tired of him ignoring us I would get so upset and overwhelmed with life in general because I was the only one doing anything to support our family that I would scream at him. I have never yelled at anyone- ever! Except for him. I'm not proud of it but he made me so upset I had to let it out- I screamed almost every night so much that I didn't have a voice in the morning. What was his response? Nothing- he just sat there, completely silent, didn't even look in my direction, didn't even acknowledge my presence in the room with him. Finally one day I told him I wanted a divorce- his only response was "OK, you can have the house and Sassy(that's my daughter, nickname of course :) and I'll go move in with my parent's." What?! That's it? I devoted my life to caring for you, taking care of this family and all I get is an ok? Plus he acted as if our daughter, his own flesh and blood, was a piece of property that could just be left behind. In that moment- it all came to a head. All the hurt I never dealt with from my first relationship combined with the hurt from my failed marriage broke me. Mentally- I checked out.
We went our separate ways- he moved across the country to live with his parents. There I was left alone with a house to take care of, a child to raise and a pile of debt to take care of. I felt abandoned, alone, forgotten. At first I was completely relieved to come home to an empty house and not have to deal with the stresses of a non existant person in my house. But it got lonely- overwhelming. I felt completely alone, secluded. I knew there was nothing anyone could say or do that would make it better. I just had to stay as strong as I could and move ahead, take it one day at a time and hope my life would get better.
I got to the point where I was even more numb than I had been up to that point. I just took up space on this planet- I only had one reason for existing- caring for my daughter. After a while I was so tired of being numb I tried to eat to feel something. I went from dealing with anorexia on and off my whole life to gorging myself on food to try and comfort myself. It still didn't help- if anything it made it worse. The guilt I felt from eating so much due to my anorexic ways prompted me to make myself vomit. The first time I did it- it was like a release. I know horrible and disgusting but true. I felt something besides pain and numbness. I developed bulimia. My days consisted of working and after I put my daughter to bed each night I would proceed to stuff myself with whatever I could get my hands on and make myself sick for hours. After that- my throat raw from it- I would cry myself to sleep if I could fall asleep at all. There were days I got up for work without any sleep whatsoever because I was up all night crying. The only thing that kept me going- that made me get up in the morning, the reason for not just giving up and ending my life was my daughter. I knew I had to take care of her- she was and still is my life, my purpose for being here.
For almost a year, during all the divorce proceedings, my life stayed the same. I was numb, existing, not sleeping, making myself sick. I was a walking zombie. Shortly after our divorce was final I found out Mr. Ex-Mariposa had moved to Arizona and was living with a girlfriend- I had not heard from him at all in months. No phone calls to see how his daughter was doing, no financial support- nothing. I found out the name of the girl he was with somehow and realized it was one of the many girls he was involved with while we were still married. Immediately I freaked! I thought "oh God- this is going to push me over the edge. How much worse coan it get?"
Shortly after that day I had an epiphany. It came out of nowhere- I was in the middle of working and it was like someone hit me over the head. In an instant I went from a broken soul to thinking "what are you doing?! These men still have control over you even though they are no longer in your life. You are letting them get to you. They don't care- they have moved on. But here you sit- still letting them control everything about you. Take back the control! They are YOUR emotions, YOUR actions, YOUR choices. Don't let their idiotic choices dictate your life. It is your life, your mind, your body- no one else should have control over that! Take back control of your life!" In that instant everything changed. I was no longer numb, angry, depressed, upset. I knew what I had to do.
I spent 10 years of my life thinking that the experiences you have in life define who you are. That's not true- my experiences don't define me in any way. What defines me is the way I handle each experience, not the experience itself. I realized I was making the choice to be depressed and not move on. So right then and there I made the choice to be ME again- whatever that may be. I was not going to dwell on the past ever- I promised myself I would find that person I was 10 years ago. That bubbly, outgoing, go getter, confident girl. I admit I am not completely there yet but I get closer each day. Now I am comfortable in my own skin- I know who I am and I accept it. I accept everything no matter how good or bad. Just like I finally accepted and admitted to myself that BDSM is for me- there is no turning back now. I've tramsformed from an ugly caterpillar to a beautiful butterfly that has just spread her wings- I have yet to fly completely free. But I know I will get there soon enough. Look out world- Mariposa is back!
Friday, July 23, 2010
Life Is A Learning Process
I decided to share some things from my past again- my next few posts will involve this and I am warning you they are pretty deep and revealing- but it is about time I let it out. I have not shared a lot of these details with anyone! Just wanted to let you know all of my posts are not going to be dark and depressing now LOL- I plan on staying upbeat because that is me. But these next few posts can get a little dark.
Someone made a comment the other day that srtuck a chord with me. I've heard it so often I usually just ignore it or push it aside. They told me I was a very strong person- that I've been through so much yet I stay positive. They said they truly respect me for the way I handle things. I immediately thought "oh, you have only seen the tip of the iceberg!" I admit I have been through a LOT in my life that most never experience. Also considering my age, 27, I've been through hell! Generally when people tell me I'm a strong person I can't help but think- "please, I am not. I just deal- what else can I do? What choice do I have but to deal with what life throws my way?" I'm not just going to sit back and let life pass me by because things get tough. I get up and I take it one day at a time- that's all I can do.
With that said there have been two major events in my life that have shaped who I am today. I'm sharing these experiences for two reasons. One- sharing your experiences can help others. There may be someone out there that is going through a similar situation that benefits from hearing about my experience and know I made it through- that they are not alone. Two- it's kind of like therapy for me, I've held these stories in for 10 years and they have eaten at me slowly. I think since this is such a pivotal moment in my life- I finally need to tell my story- no matter how bad it is. Before I get all dark and dreary- at this moment in my life I am the happiest I have been in years- maybe even the happiest I have ever been. I wake up everyday and am thankful I just get to enjoy another day on this beautiful planet- but it has taken a long time for me to get to this point.
My first story that started this dark period of my life is about my first serious boyfriend. The exhibitionist I mentioned in an earlier post? Yeah- him :)Let me begin by explaining my personality before I met him. I was an upbeat person. Bubbly, outgoing, a go getter, saw the positive in everything!I grew up in dance- I mention this because it plays an important role here. I started dancing at the age of 3. I mostly did ballet- I danced six days a week for at least 6 hours a day. It was my life- my reason for living. I competed in dance for 10 years. I wanted to be a professional dancer. If you don't know that much about the ballet industry- let me tell you, they are obsessed with looks and weight. I grew up thinking I was only worth something if I was perfect! I had to be fit, beautiful, perfect all the time. I had to be a certain weight to even be considered special enough for a company. So needless to say from a very young age I dealt with body issues. I was anorexic, I would basically starve myself for days at a time. I would eat maybe one meal a day- if you consider a couple bites of food a meal! But I was praised for being in such great shape- so I just thought "well, beauty is pain." I loved the way I looked, the way I felt. I thought that was the only way people would accept me- if I had physical beauty I could have anything, do anything.
Anyways- I met my first boyfriend when I was 14. We went to the same church- the moment I saw him I liked him. We didn't start dating until I was 16- he always seemed to have a girlfriend! Also- all his girlfriends were all on the chunky side. I thought "there's no way he can resist the way I look! Come on- you would totally choose me over that fat girl any day." (I know- horrible, horrible thinking!) At that point in my life I was very confident in my looks and personality.
Well he broke up with one girlfriend and I immediately made my move before he got to another girl! To me when we started dating life was perfect. He had the type of personality everyone was drawn to, he was magnetic, you just wanted to be around him. Aslo he was a smooth talker. I don't know how he did it but he had a way about him- you would believe anything that came out of his mouth. I could have said "oh, what a beautiful day- the sky is so blue!" then he could look you straight in the eye and say something as ridiculous as "no- the sky is orange." and you would believe him! I wasn't the only one- he fooled everyone- My friends and family.
I've blocked out a lot of these memories I guess because I couldn't deal with them emotionally so I only remember vague details. I'll try to explain things the best I can. Basically the relationship started out wonderful. We were in love- I had never felt anything close to the way I felt about him. I thought we were meant for each other (oh, young naive love!) He drew me in, made me trust him completely. I started distancing myself from my family and friends. I even quit dance- my one passion in life! The thing I loved most and had worked so hard at- just decided to quit one day. I don't know how but he made me believe things about my family and friends. He made me believe they were all against us- that the only thing that mattered was our love for each other. If we had each other nothing else mattered. When I was completely distanced from all my support- that's when he began to change. He began to put me down- tell me I needed to change things about myself. It got so bad my days would consist of nonstop comments about how ugly I was, how my body was disgusting to look at. How I was stupid and no one else would want me or put up with me.
Come to find out- the whole time we were together he was still with his "ex girlfriend". They had an entire relationship while we were together. Now I'm not stupid! I knew something was going on between them. But everytime I brought it up he would deny it and tell me I needed psycholigical help because I had trust issues. His family even told me this! He said no one else would put up with me accusing them of these things and that I was lucky he put up with it. He started getting violent. He never physically laid a hand on me but he did things as a scare tactic I think. He would start walking toward me with this look in his eyes- the only way I can think to describe it is pure evil, craziness! I would back away until I was in a corner and had nowhere to run and he would pin me to the wall and hit the wall with his hand right next to my head. I would be so scared I would back down and shut my mouth.
He took away everything that brought joy to my life: friends, family, dance. I lost the ability to feel joy, love, confidence, the will to live! In my mind it became a battle of who he wanted more- me or his ex. I tried to "win" his love with the only thing I thought I had going for me- my looks, my body. But even that didn't work- he tore my confidence apart- made me believe I was the most disgusting, disgraceful looking thing on the planet. It didn't matter how skinny I was, how much I starved myself, how cute I was- nothing won him over. I even started having nightmares where I would literally wake up screaming "NO! Choose me!" I had nightmares night after night of different situations where his ex and I and him were in different locations and he would always be with her, closer to her, hugging her, kissing her.
I stayed with him for 4 years. I amlost married him becauae I thought no one else waould ever want me. But that all changed one day. I went out with my best friend one night because he happened to be out of town. She was my only friend that didn't believe his tactics. She stayed by my side. I've known her for 20 years and we are still best friends and always will be- I love her to death. Anyways- I went out with her; being the flirt that she is she started talking to a guy that night. She was shy and didn't want to ask for his number so being the pushover I am- she convinced me to go ask for his number for her! I went up to this totally hot guy and like a dork said "my friend is asking for your number." He ended up giving me the number. But later on he ended up telling me he only gave it to me because he thought I was asking for it for myself. That was the turning point- knowing that someone would be interested in me, especially a hot guy- broke through the shell of lies that my boyfriend had built.
I finally ended things with him. But I was still a broken, weak person- nowhere near who I was before. I didn't have the drive for anything after that. I was just existing- I wasn't living anymore. That's how I remained for the next 7 years of my life- numb from any emotion. Which leads into my next story....
Someone made a comment the other day that srtuck a chord with me. I've heard it so often I usually just ignore it or push it aside. They told me I was a very strong person- that I've been through so much yet I stay positive. They said they truly respect me for the way I handle things. I immediately thought "oh, you have only seen the tip of the iceberg!" I admit I have been through a LOT in my life that most never experience. Also considering my age, 27, I've been through hell! Generally when people tell me I'm a strong person I can't help but think- "please, I am not. I just deal- what else can I do? What choice do I have but to deal with what life throws my way?" I'm not just going to sit back and let life pass me by because things get tough. I get up and I take it one day at a time- that's all I can do.
With that said there have been two major events in my life that have shaped who I am today. I'm sharing these experiences for two reasons. One- sharing your experiences can help others. There may be someone out there that is going through a similar situation that benefits from hearing about my experience and know I made it through- that they are not alone. Two- it's kind of like therapy for me, I've held these stories in for 10 years and they have eaten at me slowly. I think since this is such a pivotal moment in my life- I finally need to tell my story- no matter how bad it is. Before I get all dark and dreary- at this moment in my life I am the happiest I have been in years- maybe even the happiest I have ever been. I wake up everyday and am thankful I just get to enjoy another day on this beautiful planet- but it has taken a long time for me to get to this point.
My first story that started this dark period of my life is about my first serious boyfriend. The exhibitionist I mentioned in an earlier post? Yeah- him :)Let me begin by explaining my personality before I met him. I was an upbeat person. Bubbly, outgoing, a go getter, saw the positive in everything!I grew up in dance- I mention this because it plays an important role here. I started dancing at the age of 3. I mostly did ballet- I danced six days a week for at least 6 hours a day. It was my life- my reason for living. I competed in dance for 10 years. I wanted to be a professional dancer. If you don't know that much about the ballet industry- let me tell you, they are obsessed with looks and weight. I grew up thinking I was only worth something if I was perfect! I had to be fit, beautiful, perfect all the time. I had to be a certain weight to even be considered special enough for a company. So needless to say from a very young age I dealt with body issues. I was anorexic, I would basically starve myself for days at a time. I would eat maybe one meal a day- if you consider a couple bites of food a meal! But I was praised for being in such great shape- so I just thought "well, beauty is pain." I loved the way I looked, the way I felt. I thought that was the only way people would accept me- if I had physical beauty I could have anything, do anything.
Anyways- I met my first boyfriend when I was 14. We went to the same church- the moment I saw him I liked him. We didn't start dating until I was 16- he always seemed to have a girlfriend! Also- all his girlfriends were all on the chunky side. I thought "there's no way he can resist the way I look! Come on- you would totally choose me over that fat girl any day." (I know- horrible, horrible thinking!) At that point in my life I was very confident in my looks and personality.
Well he broke up with one girlfriend and I immediately made my move before he got to another girl! To me when we started dating life was perfect. He had the type of personality everyone was drawn to, he was magnetic, you just wanted to be around him. Aslo he was a smooth talker. I don't know how he did it but he had a way about him- you would believe anything that came out of his mouth. I could have said "oh, what a beautiful day- the sky is so blue!" then he could look you straight in the eye and say something as ridiculous as "no- the sky is orange." and you would believe him! I wasn't the only one- he fooled everyone- My friends and family.
I've blocked out a lot of these memories I guess because I couldn't deal with them emotionally so I only remember vague details. I'll try to explain things the best I can. Basically the relationship started out wonderful. We were in love- I had never felt anything close to the way I felt about him. I thought we were meant for each other (oh, young naive love!) He drew me in, made me trust him completely. I started distancing myself from my family and friends. I even quit dance- my one passion in life! The thing I loved most and had worked so hard at- just decided to quit one day. I don't know how but he made me believe things about my family and friends. He made me believe they were all against us- that the only thing that mattered was our love for each other. If we had each other nothing else mattered. When I was completely distanced from all my support- that's when he began to change. He began to put me down- tell me I needed to change things about myself. It got so bad my days would consist of nonstop comments about how ugly I was, how my body was disgusting to look at. How I was stupid and no one else would want me or put up with me.
Come to find out- the whole time we were together he was still with his "ex girlfriend". They had an entire relationship while we were together. Now I'm not stupid! I knew something was going on between them. But everytime I brought it up he would deny it and tell me I needed psycholigical help because I had trust issues. His family even told me this! He said no one else would put up with me accusing them of these things and that I was lucky he put up with it. He started getting violent. He never physically laid a hand on me but he did things as a scare tactic I think. He would start walking toward me with this look in his eyes- the only way I can think to describe it is pure evil, craziness! I would back away until I was in a corner and had nowhere to run and he would pin me to the wall and hit the wall with his hand right next to my head. I would be so scared I would back down and shut my mouth.
He took away everything that brought joy to my life: friends, family, dance. I lost the ability to feel joy, love, confidence, the will to live! In my mind it became a battle of who he wanted more- me or his ex. I tried to "win" his love with the only thing I thought I had going for me- my looks, my body. But even that didn't work- he tore my confidence apart- made me believe I was the most disgusting, disgraceful looking thing on the planet. It didn't matter how skinny I was, how much I starved myself, how cute I was- nothing won him over. I even started having nightmares where I would literally wake up screaming "NO! Choose me!" I had nightmares night after night of different situations where his ex and I and him were in different locations and he would always be with her, closer to her, hugging her, kissing her.
I stayed with him for 4 years. I amlost married him becauae I thought no one else waould ever want me. But that all changed one day. I went out with my best friend one night because he happened to be out of town. She was my only friend that didn't believe his tactics. She stayed by my side. I've known her for 20 years and we are still best friends and always will be- I love her to death. Anyways- I went out with her; being the flirt that she is she started talking to a guy that night. She was shy and didn't want to ask for his number so being the pushover I am- she convinced me to go ask for his number for her! I went up to this totally hot guy and like a dork said "my friend is asking for your number." He ended up giving me the number. But later on he ended up telling me he only gave it to me because he thought I was asking for it for myself. That was the turning point- knowing that someone would be interested in me, especially a hot guy- broke through the shell of lies that my boyfriend had built.
I finally ended things with him. But I was still a broken, weak person- nowhere near who I was before. I didn't have the drive for anything after that. I was just existing- I wasn't living anymore. That's how I remained for the next 7 years of my life- numb from any emotion. Which leads into my next story....
Thursday, July 22, 2010
Finding My Way (Atomic Fireball)
So I had a new experience last night! Yes- it was a good one this time. I am hesitant to post because I don't know how he feels about me putting anything in my blog about it. I think he was kind of scared what I would actually put down! Don't worry- I know your reading this- it's not bad. But I wont post much about you- I will post mostly about what I learned from the experience because I think I found out two important things about myself last night. But sorry I have to say- yes, you are getting a name just like the others :) Youd didn't escape that one. So I will refer to you as Atomic Fireball. Let me just give everyone a little history so you know why I chose the name.
I was browsing the BDSM personals site one day and came across this profile. Immediately the name caught my attention- I thought, interesting name- I have to take a look at this. Immediately it caught my attention because of the shear humor in his description of himself. I thought he seems like a cool guy even to hang out with if nothing else. So I sent him a message, not expecting a reply back cause let's face it- I can be boring! When I received a response back I was in hysterics while reading it. I liked that he just said it like it was- honest and straightforward with an odd twist of humor mixed in. With each message I received it got more and more outlandish and I would roll on the floor laughing each time I read. He has a way about him that he will comment about some totally normal everyday thing and then out of nowhere comes some kinky, crazy comment that throws you for a loop. My reaction when I read each message was this- "hmm, that's great- well thought out message" BAM, total outlandish remark "gasp! I can't believe he actually just wrote that- but that is so freaking hilarious and I love it!" I knew I had to meet this guy in person just to hang out with him if nothing else because he was a riot!
So there you go- a little history as to where I came up with the name. Atomic Fireball- it's a hard candy with a very spicy cinnamon flavor that ends up turning your mouth into fire! It starts off mild and you think "mmm, this is really good." Then BAM out of nowhere your mouth is in flames and you have to take a break, fanning your mouth cause it's too much to handle and then immediately you think "wow, that's craziness! But it's good!" Such is his personality- you think "OMG I can't believe he just said that! But that is freakin awesome! I wonder what he'll have to say next." So you get it- crazy, wacky, shocking hilarity. Love it!
Anyways- I'm now going to focus on the things that I learned about myself. I have to say I am getting more and more comfortable everyday with all of this. At first I was freaking out inside and thought- there is no way a sane person can be into all this! But chatting and hanging out with like minded individuals has really helped me open up and accept this part of myself. With each experience I've had I learn more about myself, which I think is great! I think self awareness is a huge thing. I am a very shy person generally but for some reason I can write about things more openly than I can talk about them. I'm not as shy as I once was though- I used to be so bad I couldn't even say the word SEX without getting up the courage and blushing when I said it! Now look at me- I'm writing a damn blog about just that! WTF!
I learned two things about myself from this experience- both good things I might add. The first invloves my pain threshold. When I first realized I was into BDSM I thought " Oh, no! Pain- so not me. Not at all!" Then I realized shortly after that I liked a bit of pain- light spanking, hair pulling that type of thing. Then during this experience I learned I like a lot more than I originally thought! I'm not talking major, major pain- like slap me in the face, drag me around by my hair, spank me till my ass is black and blue type of pain. No not at all- but when it comes to certain aspects- I do enjoy some pain! Like spanking- my God! I learned I like my ass to burn after I've been spanked; the next day I want to wince when I sit down. I never thought I would want to be spanked to that extent. I had thought I would like it in a playful sense, like a slap here and there. But no- I like to be spanked so hard I tear up from the sting of it. I learned as well that I love my nipples to be pinched HARD and love bites! I love to wince and cry out from the pain- it is a huge turn on I never ever expected I would enjoy something so much. So basically I learned I am much more of a masochist than I thought.
The second thing I learned was that I'm really not that big on humiliation. I had a great conversation with AF that night about how you are always learning and evolving in BDSM. I learned it's ok to try things and if you don't like them then that is ok- just move omn and try something new. Let me clarify- humiliation did not play any role in this experience- I think that is why it was so enjoyable. At first I guess because everyone I talked to was big on humiliation- I just thought it came with the territory and it was something I had to get used to. They were into name calling and "putting me in my place" in ways I did not care for. I realized the approach I enjoy more is just plain confidence from my Dom and positive reinforcement, encouragement. I want to know I'm pleasing them- not please because I am scared of the consequences if I don't. Originally it was hard for me to have to repeat things asked of me because I would get a response of "excuse me, bitch?" if I didn't repeat a split second after they told me to. So I would cringe when they asked me to say something like "fuck me hard" because it is hard for me to speak in that manner. So I knew I would be hearing "excuse me, bitch?" shortly after they asked and I hated being called a bitch or a cunt, etc. It just made me freeze. If someone wants me to repeat something for them to hear I want it to be because it pleases them- not because I feel like I'll be put down if I don't. Also I like crazy, rough, animalistic sex. But I don't enjoy it if I feel like I'm just being used for their pleasure only, like an object. I like being viewed as an object of pleasure not a sex object to be used. I like passion, chemistry. I want it to be a joyous occasion.
So- to sum it up I think I am at a huge turning point and now think I am very comfortable in my life with the decision I have made. Well not that it was a decision- I just happen to like the kinkier things in life- that's just me plain and simple. No I didn't decide to like it- I finally accepted that I like it.
I was browsing the BDSM personals site one day and came across this profile. Immediately the name caught my attention- I thought, interesting name- I have to take a look at this. Immediately it caught my attention because of the shear humor in his description of himself. I thought he seems like a cool guy even to hang out with if nothing else. So I sent him a message, not expecting a reply back cause let's face it- I can be boring! When I received a response back I was in hysterics while reading it. I liked that he just said it like it was- honest and straightforward with an odd twist of humor mixed in. With each message I received it got more and more outlandish and I would roll on the floor laughing each time I read. He has a way about him that he will comment about some totally normal everyday thing and then out of nowhere comes some kinky, crazy comment that throws you for a loop. My reaction when I read each message was this- "hmm, that's great- well thought out message" BAM, total outlandish remark "gasp! I can't believe he actually just wrote that- but that is so freaking hilarious and I love it!" I knew I had to meet this guy in person just to hang out with him if nothing else because he was a riot!
So there you go- a little history as to where I came up with the name. Atomic Fireball- it's a hard candy with a very spicy cinnamon flavor that ends up turning your mouth into fire! It starts off mild and you think "mmm, this is really good." Then BAM out of nowhere your mouth is in flames and you have to take a break, fanning your mouth cause it's too much to handle and then immediately you think "wow, that's craziness! But it's good!" Such is his personality- you think "OMG I can't believe he just said that! But that is freakin awesome! I wonder what he'll have to say next." So you get it- crazy, wacky, shocking hilarity. Love it!
Anyways- I'm now going to focus on the things that I learned about myself. I have to say I am getting more and more comfortable everyday with all of this. At first I was freaking out inside and thought- there is no way a sane person can be into all this! But chatting and hanging out with like minded individuals has really helped me open up and accept this part of myself. With each experience I've had I learn more about myself, which I think is great! I think self awareness is a huge thing. I am a very shy person generally but for some reason I can write about things more openly than I can talk about them. I'm not as shy as I once was though- I used to be so bad I couldn't even say the word SEX without getting up the courage and blushing when I said it! Now look at me- I'm writing a damn blog about just that! WTF!
I learned two things about myself from this experience- both good things I might add. The first invloves my pain threshold. When I first realized I was into BDSM I thought " Oh, no! Pain- so not me. Not at all!" Then I realized shortly after that I liked a bit of pain- light spanking, hair pulling that type of thing. Then during this experience I learned I like a lot more than I originally thought! I'm not talking major, major pain- like slap me in the face, drag me around by my hair, spank me till my ass is black and blue type of pain. No not at all- but when it comes to certain aspects- I do enjoy some pain! Like spanking- my God! I learned I like my ass to burn after I've been spanked; the next day I want to wince when I sit down. I never thought I would want to be spanked to that extent. I had thought I would like it in a playful sense, like a slap here and there. But no- I like to be spanked so hard I tear up from the sting of it. I learned as well that I love my nipples to be pinched HARD and love bites! I love to wince and cry out from the pain- it is a huge turn on I never ever expected I would enjoy something so much. So basically I learned I am much more of a masochist than I thought.
The second thing I learned was that I'm really not that big on humiliation. I had a great conversation with AF that night about how you are always learning and evolving in BDSM. I learned it's ok to try things and if you don't like them then that is ok- just move omn and try something new. Let me clarify- humiliation did not play any role in this experience- I think that is why it was so enjoyable. At first I guess because everyone I talked to was big on humiliation- I just thought it came with the territory and it was something I had to get used to. They were into name calling and "putting me in my place" in ways I did not care for. I realized the approach I enjoy more is just plain confidence from my Dom and positive reinforcement, encouragement. I want to know I'm pleasing them- not please because I am scared of the consequences if I don't. Originally it was hard for me to have to repeat things asked of me because I would get a response of "excuse me, bitch?" if I didn't repeat a split second after they told me to. So I would cringe when they asked me to say something like "fuck me hard" because it is hard for me to speak in that manner. So I knew I would be hearing "excuse me, bitch?" shortly after they asked and I hated being called a bitch or a cunt, etc. It just made me freeze. If someone wants me to repeat something for them to hear I want it to be because it pleases them- not because I feel like I'll be put down if I don't. Also I like crazy, rough, animalistic sex. But I don't enjoy it if I feel like I'm just being used for their pleasure only, like an object. I like being viewed as an object of pleasure not a sex object to be used. I like passion, chemistry. I want it to be a joyous occasion.
So- to sum it up I think I am at a huge turning point and now think I am very comfortable in my life with the decision I have made. Well not that it was a decision- I just happen to like the kinkier things in life- that's just me plain and simple. No I didn't decide to like it- I finally accepted that I like it.
Wednesday, July 21, 2010
Personality
I think I need to take the time to explain my personality a bit. I have had a few comments brought to my attention lately about my blog and how their opinions differ. I have no problem with differing opinions, that is not the issue. I think the issue is I forget you are only seeing text and don't hear my tone of voice or facial expressions. So you can only take my words for what they are- literal, in black and white. So I need to explain myself a little. If you don't know me reading my blog you would think I am a total bitch at times and my life is a circus everyday due to the subject of my postings. Actaully I am the total opposite! I am one of the nicest most caring people you will ever meet. I may speak my mind but it is always in a way that will not hurt people's feelings and I never judge! I'm not saying this because I'm full of myself- hardly! I'm saying this because I know it's true- I'm too nice actually! I let people get away with murder! Also- it may seem like all I ever do is get myself in crazy predicaments. Well I may more than your average person- but when it comes down to it- I live a very boring life. hehe
OK- the two most important things to remember when reading my blog. I am THE most sarcastic person you will ever meet! Also- I can be a bit dramatic. What can I say- it's in my blood. I was born to be on the stage but have not been since I was a teen. I miss it like mad- so I am dramatic in my day to day life. Ok- so there might have been a little sarcasm in there. Yes I love to perform but I'm no diva- I'm not really that dramatic in person. But I'm being a scatterbrain- where the hell was I going with this?! Oh yes I remember! Anyways- I received a lot of comments about my dorkiness post. I got a lot of "well- dorkiness is definately not sexy! It's endearing, intriguing, charming--" blah, blah, blah. I know it's not sexy- I was totally being sarcastic! I'm the biggest dork that ever lived and I am the farthest thing from sexy! It was not meant to be taken literally. Like one person said "dorkiness is not considered sexy. That's why strippers don't strip down naked and tell knock knock jokes." Love it! I was just trying to make the post more interesting- just like I may go over the top with some of my descriptions of my experiences. It makes things more interesting to read. Not to say what I post is not true- I just try to make it funny and more interesting to read. So- now you know- I am goofy, sarcastic, ditzy, forgetful, dramatic, dorky as so many love to remind me, maybe a little OCD- just a little- ok A LOT. I could go on and on- but you get the gist.
OK- the two most important things to remember when reading my blog. I am THE most sarcastic person you will ever meet! Also- I can be a bit dramatic. What can I say- it's in my blood. I was born to be on the stage but have not been since I was a teen. I miss it like mad- so I am dramatic in my day to day life. Ok- so there might have been a little sarcasm in there. Yes I love to perform but I'm no diva- I'm not really that dramatic in person. But I'm being a scatterbrain- where the hell was I going with this?! Oh yes I remember! Anyways- I received a lot of comments about my dorkiness post. I got a lot of "well- dorkiness is definately not sexy! It's endearing, intriguing, charming--" blah, blah, blah. I know it's not sexy- I was totally being sarcastic! I'm the biggest dork that ever lived and I am the farthest thing from sexy! It was not meant to be taken literally. Like one person said "dorkiness is not considered sexy. That's why strippers don't strip down naked and tell knock knock jokes." Love it! I was just trying to make the post more interesting- just like I may go over the top with some of my descriptions of my experiences. It makes things more interesting to read. Not to say what I post is not true- I just try to make it funny and more interesting to read. So- now you know- I am goofy, sarcastic, ditzy, forgetful, dramatic, dorky as so many love to remind me, maybe a little OCD- just a little- ok A LOT. I could go on and on- but you get the gist.
Tuesday, July 20, 2010
Can Dorkiness = Sexy?
Recently- on numerous occasions I have had quite a few people call me a dork! First I thought- I haven't been called a dork since elementary school! No wait- I've never been called a dork! So what gives? I admit at first I was offended! Then I started thinking about it and realized- why yes I am a huge dork! Then I thought- is that really such a bad quality? So I've embraced my inner dork- yes I state with pride I am a dork!That's just me!
I've never been one that I think people consider sexy- maybe due to the dorkiness factor. But I can't change who I am and I don't want to change who I am. I am comfortable in my own skin. That lead me to think- well that is a quality I find very sexy in a man! Confident, comfortable in their own skin, loves humor and able to laugh at themselves. So if I find those qualities sexy in a man- who's to say men wouldn't find those qualities sexy in a woman? Which leads me to the question- can dorkiness be sexy?
So- my dorky qualities. I love to laugh and make others laugh. Not to say I can't be serious when the situation calls for it- but whenever possible- I like to crack jokes and amuse others. Hell- I think I crack myself up more than I do others! Now- I'm neither confirming nor denying this- but part of my morning routine may consist of private lip syncing concerts, with a hairbrush as a mic and a bed as a stage. It may include songs such as: Bohemian Rhapsody, Margaritaville, numerous horrible 80s songs and lots of showtunes. Also- I may salsa dance down the hall in the morning to get my coffee to the ongoing soundtrack in my head. What can I say? I have a LOT of energy and crack myself up.
I can quote every line from Monty Python and the Holy Grail and find it more hilarious each time I watch it. I still love to watch Sesame Street and know all the songs and know all the character's names. I still enjoy coloring in color books! I giggle like a little girl when I'm nervous. I blush at the drop of a hat. When I get flustered or nervous I talk really fast and stutter and you can't understand a word that comes out of my mouth. I know I'm no bombshell so to break the ice sometimes I completely overact the sexiness just to get a laugh. I write lists nonstop. I can't stand my food to touch- I literally have a panic attack!
I'm still very naive when it comes to a lot of things. I am bubbly and happy and see the positive in everything. I have the worst memory in the world and am forever having ditzy blonde moments even though I'm not blonde! My memory is so bad I don't even remember where the hell I was going with this point! So I'll just end with this- can dorkiness be sexy?
I've never been one that I think people consider sexy- maybe due to the dorkiness factor. But I can't change who I am and I don't want to change who I am. I am comfortable in my own skin. That lead me to think- well that is a quality I find very sexy in a man! Confident, comfortable in their own skin, loves humor and able to laugh at themselves. So if I find those qualities sexy in a man- who's to say men wouldn't find those qualities sexy in a woman? Which leads me to the question- can dorkiness be sexy?
So- my dorky qualities. I love to laugh and make others laugh. Not to say I can't be serious when the situation calls for it- but whenever possible- I like to crack jokes and amuse others. Hell- I think I crack myself up more than I do others! Now- I'm neither confirming nor denying this- but part of my morning routine may consist of private lip syncing concerts, with a hairbrush as a mic and a bed as a stage. It may include songs such as: Bohemian Rhapsody, Margaritaville, numerous horrible 80s songs and lots of showtunes. Also- I may salsa dance down the hall in the morning to get my coffee to the ongoing soundtrack in my head. What can I say? I have a LOT of energy and crack myself up.
I can quote every line from Monty Python and the Holy Grail and find it more hilarious each time I watch it. I still love to watch Sesame Street and know all the songs and know all the character's names. I still enjoy coloring in color books! I giggle like a little girl when I'm nervous. I blush at the drop of a hat. When I get flustered or nervous I talk really fast and stutter and you can't understand a word that comes out of my mouth. I know I'm no bombshell so to break the ice sometimes I completely overact the sexiness just to get a laugh. I write lists nonstop. I can't stand my food to touch- I literally have a panic attack!
I'm still very naive when it comes to a lot of things. I am bubbly and happy and see the positive in everything. I have the worst memory in the world and am forever having ditzy blonde moments even though I'm not blonde! My memory is so bad I don't even remember where the hell I was going with this point! So I'll just end with this- can dorkiness be sexy?
Monday, July 19, 2010
Sexual Frustration
Have you even been so sexually frustrated you can't think straight? Yes folks- it is about to get very kinky. My writer's block has to do with my sexual frustration lately. I sit down to write and all I can see in my mind is images of spanking and hair pulling and wild crazy sex! Yes you know who you are- you mean, mean individual you! I will get you back don't worry- I know how to tease. I'm fiesty and I don't back down easily- two can play at that game sir. You just wait.
I am so frustrated at this point I am seriously shaking and can't see straight. I know you are thinking- why don't you just go do something about it? Well if I try it just makes it ten times worse. I orgasm now and no relief! So not fair- there is only one thing that will get rid of this tension! Yes- I don't think I have to spell it out for everyone.
I sit at work and all I can think of is someone coming in and bending me over my desk, pulling up my skirt and fucking me senseless. I go to cook dinner and all I picture is being lifted onto the counter, legs spread and pounded. I lay down to go to bed and all I see is images floating through my head of being tied up, taken advantage of. I walk through my front door and all I can think of is being slammed against the wall and taken right there, hard. I sit down to watch TV and all I picture is being bent over the couch and being spanked until my ass burns. I could go on and on but I can't take it anymore hehe. It seems like the only thing that fills my head now are dirty kinky thoughts 24/7.
I'm telling you boy- you better watch it. :) You are going to have a crazy woman to deal with. Hope you can handle it.
I am so frustrated at this point I am seriously shaking and can't see straight. I know you are thinking- why don't you just go do something about it? Well if I try it just makes it ten times worse. I orgasm now and no relief! So not fair- there is only one thing that will get rid of this tension! Yes- I don't think I have to spell it out for everyone.
I sit at work and all I can think of is someone coming in and bending me over my desk, pulling up my skirt and fucking me senseless. I go to cook dinner and all I picture is being lifted onto the counter, legs spread and pounded. I lay down to go to bed and all I see is images floating through my head of being tied up, taken advantage of. I walk through my front door and all I can think of is being slammed against the wall and taken right there, hard. I sit down to watch TV and all I picture is being bent over the couch and being spanked until my ass burns. I could go on and on but I can't take it anymore hehe. It seems like the only thing that fills my head now are dirty kinky thoughts 24/7.
I'm telling you boy- you better watch it. :) You are going to have a crazy woman to deal with. Hope you can handle it.
Sunday, July 18, 2010
Hello Everyone!
I just wanted to put it out there that comments are encouraged. Since this blog is new I have no idea how many people are actually viewing it and if they are even enjoying it! I would love some feedback. Anything- questions, thoughts, ideas. At this point I'm trying to figure out which way to go with my blog and would like to know what people want to hear about.
Saturday, July 17, 2010
My Firsts
I thought I'd write a little about my past today. I may not have been in the "lifestyle" very long but that does not mean I haven't done my share of kinky things. I've always been more on the adveturous side when it comes to sex. But I held back a lot because I didn't want men to think I was too kinky! So if I was "holding back"- well a good Dom could really push my limits! I guess I'd never thought of it till now. I'm realizing everyday I am more open to things than I originally thought. Yes with the right Dom I would love for my limits to be pushed- not ignore but push me a little out of my comfort zone. Again- it would definately have to be with someone I trust completely- I have to know my limits will be respected and that they know how far they can actually push me.
I figured I'd share a few of my firsts. Why not start with how I lost my virginity? I was 16 and it was with my first serious boyfriend. We met at the church our families went to. We played in the worship band and had a key to the church sanctuary so we could us it to practice when we wanted. We went there one night just the two of us and played strip blackjack! Yes I know- blackjack? Two reasons- one: I don't know how to play poker, two: it goes a lot faster than poker which means clothes come off faster! Woo hoo! Yes- I'm damned to hell! I not only gambled in church- I lost my virginity looking up at a huge cross thinking- 'God, please don't strike me dead!" Talk about a rush!:)
Speaking of my first boyfriend- he was quite the exhibitionist. That was a big turn on for me as well. We couldn't keep our hands off of each other. I'll just list a few of the places we fooled around/had sex because there are a lot! hehe I experienced quite a few firsts with him. Ok- here's the list. Well- we never drove anywhere without my panties coming off- even if it was a 5 minute drive to the store! So you can only imagine what fun we had on our car rides. One time we actually had sex while he was driving. I would not recommend that! We nearly crashed quite a few times! Of course there's the movie theater- but who hasn't fooled around watching a movie?
It seemed whenever there was a blanket around we would end up cuddling and sharing the blanket and groping each other! A few memorable grope sessions: during a church camping trip near the firepit while singing worship songs, watching movies at his house with his parents in the same room. Then there were times no blanket was present but it was discreet. Like at dinner at our senior ball- under the tablecloth. Also one halloween while walking through a haunted house. I had a very short skirt on and his hand was up my skirt the whole time!
His parents owned a party supply store- so we would go there a lot and have sex right in the front of the the store on the floor- under the storefront window. You could only see in from certain angles. In the back of the store there was a table full of books with sample wedding invitations. hehe- if people only knew what happened on top of those invitations a few times. That's just a few of my firsts with him. Like I said- I'm kinky, always have been :)
A few more of my firsts- well I had two good friends growing up and we would always hang out together. Lets just say we liked to see the look of shock on guys faces- so we would either make out with each other or strip down in public a lot LOL. Oh yes, how could I forget? One night we had three guys over my friends house and we made dinner. Then we proceeded to do a strip tease in the backyard, cover ourselves in chocolate syrup and lick it off each other. Then there was the time my best friend and I invited her boyfriend over her house and we were waiting for him in the bathtub taking a bubble bath. We asked him to join us and we ended up kind of having a little threesome. If you could have seen the look on his face when he walked in on us in the tub!
Well there are numerous other things- I could share more, but at this point I think that is enough hehe. So I guess I was kinky from the beginning! It all started with my first sexual encounter. Hmm- I had never thought of it until now. Interesting- very interesting.
I figured I'd share a few of my firsts. Why not start with how I lost my virginity? I was 16 and it was with my first serious boyfriend. We met at the church our families went to. We played in the worship band and had a key to the church sanctuary so we could us it to practice when we wanted. We went there one night just the two of us and played strip blackjack! Yes I know- blackjack? Two reasons- one: I don't know how to play poker, two: it goes a lot faster than poker which means clothes come off faster! Woo hoo! Yes- I'm damned to hell! I not only gambled in church- I lost my virginity looking up at a huge cross thinking- 'God, please don't strike me dead!" Talk about a rush!:)
Speaking of my first boyfriend- he was quite the exhibitionist. That was a big turn on for me as well. We couldn't keep our hands off of each other. I'll just list a few of the places we fooled around/had sex because there are a lot! hehe I experienced quite a few firsts with him. Ok- here's the list. Well- we never drove anywhere without my panties coming off- even if it was a 5 minute drive to the store! So you can only imagine what fun we had on our car rides. One time we actually had sex while he was driving. I would not recommend that! We nearly crashed quite a few times! Of course there's the movie theater- but who hasn't fooled around watching a movie?
It seemed whenever there was a blanket around we would end up cuddling and sharing the blanket and groping each other! A few memorable grope sessions: during a church camping trip near the firepit while singing worship songs, watching movies at his house with his parents in the same room. Then there were times no blanket was present but it was discreet. Like at dinner at our senior ball- under the tablecloth. Also one halloween while walking through a haunted house. I had a very short skirt on and his hand was up my skirt the whole time!
His parents owned a party supply store- so we would go there a lot and have sex right in the front of the the store on the floor- under the storefront window. You could only see in from certain angles. In the back of the store there was a table full of books with sample wedding invitations. hehe- if people only knew what happened on top of those invitations a few times. That's just a few of my firsts with him. Like I said- I'm kinky, always have been :)
A few more of my firsts- well I had two good friends growing up and we would always hang out together. Lets just say we liked to see the look of shock on guys faces- so we would either make out with each other or strip down in public a lot LOL. Oh yes, how could I forget? One night we had three guys over my friends house and we made dinner. Then we proceeded to do a strip tease in the backyard, cover ourselves in chocolate syrup and lick it off each other. Then there was the time my best friend and I invited her boyfriend over her house and we were waiting for him in the bathtub taking a bubble bath. We asked him to join us and we ended up kind of having a little threesome. If you could have seen the look on his face when he walked in on us in the tub!
Well there are numerous other things- I could share more, but at this point I think that is enough hehe. So I guess I was kinky from the beginning! It all started with my first sexual encounter. Hmm- I had never thought of it until now. Interesting- very interesting.
Thunderbolt
Ok- this is going to be a long one! Just letting you know ahead of time. This was a major learning experience so I don't want to leave anything out. So- I met another Dom in person a while back- I call him Thunderbolt. Why? Well if you are not familiar with the candy it is a gumball that starts off sweet and once you bite into it it is sour as hell! It leaves you tearing up, your face contorting from the shear sourness taking over! Which explains him to a T! He came across as a nice sweet, caring guy but then turned into a complete ass!
I started chatting with Thunderbolt and again he seemed very nice. He seemed to have the perfect mix- a nice guy but dominant when he needed to be. But for some reason from the beginning I just had this feeling he was only looking for a quick hookup and nothing else. I understand some are into that- that's fine, whatever floats your boat- I'm just not looking to hook up with random people. I may not actively be looking for a long term relationship but that doesn't mean I'm totally opposed to it. I've just found it hard to find someone you connect with on both levels- kinks and chemistry. In a vanilla relationship you just have to worry about the chemistry. But in a long term D/s relationship- there is a whole other level you have to worry about if it is truly going to be a long term relationship. In my eyes- you can't be with someone who has totally different kinks- one party will always be left unsatisfied if that's the case.
So I have come to terms with the fact that it is easier to find someone you share the same kinks with and if more develops from there- awesome! Ultimately- yes I am looking for one I can connect with on both levels- but until then it doesn't mean I'm going to sit back and let life pass me by! I'm going to have fun in the meantime. Don't get the wrong impression of me though- I'm not one that will open my legs to anyone- I do have standards! LOL I have to have some kind of connection with the person- some level of chemistry has to be present.
So shortly after I started chatting with Thunderbolt I sent him a message saying I was taking a break from chatting with people. I knew he was just looking for quick sex so I decided to put an end to our discussions. He then aggresively messaged me back and said "you know you truly are not taking a break from chatting with others. You're just afraid of what I might make you feel. It scares you. I'm different from others so have a little faith in me." So like a dumbass- always trying to look at the positive side of things I thought- maybe he isn't just looking for a one night stand. So I continued to chat with him. Ultimately I agreed to meet him in person. Going into that night I pretty much knew where we would end up at the end of the night but I think I was craving the D/s interaction more than anything.
So he came to my house to pick me up. He had a present for me! He bought me a book about history because he remembered I'm big on reading about history. I thought "aww, how sweet. Maybe he is different!" So we went to dinner- he was easy to talk to I will admit, which is big for me since I am such a shy person. I remember the instant when my suspicions were confirmed on whether he was looking for a one night stand. He kept asking me about others I had met in person from the site. He kept asking me with shock in his voice "so you never played with any of them?!" He then asked me "so you played with your mentor, R?" No! Just friends! Dude- don't you get it? I'm not some slut that just sleeps with someone because they state they are dominant! Not me!
On the drive home I decided to ask a question I know I didn't want to know the answer to! "So, how often do you do this?!" His response- "depends on what you consider often." OMG- totally checked out at that point! No turning back! So we pulled up to my house, he said "I want you to go in your bedroom, change into a pink bra and panties, get on your knees- back to the door and wait for me. Understood? You have 20 minutes." So I went in my bedroom, changed, got on my knees and waited- furiously texting R- "what the hell am I doing? Not sure I want to do this!"
After waiting for quite a while- nearly hyperventilating because I was freaking out about the choice I made- he finally came in- I still had the phone in my hand. He told me in a stern voice- "put your phone down!" So I put my phone down- Here we go!He came up behind me and put a blindfold over my eyes. WTF- he keeps a blindfold on him?! I heard him pacing. He told me to sit up straight and put my hands on my thighs and not to move them. Then I felt a hand brush my hair, then my cheek, my lips.Then I felt a hand on my stomach- he pulled my bra aside- then I felt what I assumed was ice on my nipples- then a mouth!
Next he told me to strip and kneel back down. I did then he told me to open my mouth, so I did- what do you think heppened next? Yes I felt a cock entering my mouth. Like I said before I enjoy oral so there was no problem there! He told me to suck his cock- then he pushed my head down farther so I was deep throating him- yummy! He told me to lay down on the bed and put my hands on the headboard like I was bound- so I did. Then of course you know what happened. I'm not going into full detail about every thrust LOL. I accidently moved a hand and he immediately told me to put my hand back in a stern voice. Oooh- now things were getting exciting! So being the fiesty person I am I did it again on purpose. Again he told me to put my hand back. Ok- so that excited me a little- the whole control thing- so I did it again! He stopped and told me to stand up and bend over the edge of the bed. He said he was going to punish me for not listening- now we're talking! So I bent over the bed- he told me to count out loud every time he spanked me. Let me just say- I LOVE spanking! So I was a little excited at that point. He started "1,2,3,4,5,6,7,8,9,10."
After the spanking he told me to go get a black marker- oh boy- that could only mean one thing! I went and got a marker. He told me to lay back down on the bed and put my hands back on the headboard and to leave them there the whole time! Then things continued- he stopped for a minute and said "what should I write on you huh? I'll write fucked- so all your friends will know you were fucked!" LOL- I am cracking up inside at that point. So he wrote fucked on my stomach in big letters. Then he pulled my hair with one hand and I felt another hand around my neck- I immediately freak out! I think "No! Where did you even get the idea that I'm into breath play?! We never discussed anything related to that!" But he didn't choke me- he just put a little pressure which actually excited me a little- I never would have thought I would be into something like that!
If you read my journal entries you know by now that he left without even looking at me and didn't say one word! Not even bye! He just walked out! That really made me feel used! Anyways- there's my story. Again- a learning experience.
I started chatting with Thunderbolt and again he seemed very nice. He seemed to have the perfect mix- a nice guy but dominant when he needed to be. But for some reason from the beginning I just had this feeling he was only looking for a quick hookup and nothing else. I understand some are into that- that's fine, whatever floats your boat- I'm just not looking to hook up with random people. I may not actively be looking for a long term relationship but that doesn't mean I'm totally opposed to it. I've just found it hard to find someone you connect with on both levels- kinks and chemistry. In a vanilla relationship you just have to worry about the chemistry. But in a long term D/s relationship- there is a whole other level you have to worry about if it is truly going to be a long term relationship. In my eyes- you can't be with someone who has totally different kinks- one party will always be left unsatisfied if that's the case.
So I have come to terms with the fact that it is easier to find someone you share the same kinks with and if more develops from there- awesome! Ultimately- yes I am looking for one I can connect with on both levels- but until then it doesn't mean I'm going to sit back and let life pass me by! I'm going to have fun in the meantime. Don't get the wrong impression of me though- I'm not one that will open my legs to anyone- I do have standards! LOL I have to have some kind of connection with the person- some level of chemistry has to be present.
So shortly after I started chatting with Thunderbolt I sent him a message saying I was taking a break from chatting with people. I knew he was just looking for quick sex so I decided to put an end to our discussions. He then aggresively messaged me back and said "you know you truly are not taking a break from chatting with others. You're just afraid of what I might make you feel. It scares you. I'm different from others so have a little faith in me." So like a dumbass- always trying to look at the positive side of things I thought- maybe he isn't just looking for a one night stand. So I continued to chat with him. Ultimately I agreed to meet him in person. Going into that night I pretty much knew where we would end up at the end of the night but I think I was craving the D/s interaction more than anything.
So he came to my house to pick me up. He had a present for me! He bought me a book about history because he remembered I'm big on reading about history. I thought "aww, how sweet. Maybe he is different!" So we went to dinner- he was easy to talk to I will admit, which is big for me since I am such a shy person. I remember the instant when my suspicions were confirmed on whether he was looking for a one night stand. He kept asking me about others I had met in person from the site. He kept asking me with shock in his voice "so you never played with any of them?!" He then asked me "so you played with your mentor, R?" No! Just friends! Dude- don't you get it? I'm not some slut that just sleeps with someone because they state they are dominant! Not me!
On the drive home I decided to ask a question I know I didn't want to know the answer to! "So, how often do you do this?!" His response- "depends on what you consider often." OMG- totally checked out at that point! No turning back! So we pulled up to my house, he said "I want you to go in your bedroom, change into a pink bra and panties, get on your knees- back to the door and wait for me. Understood? You have 20 minutes." So I went in my bedroom, changed, got on my knees and waited- furiously texting R- "what the hell am I doing? Not sure I want to do this!"
After waiting for quite a while- nearly hyperventilating because I was freaking out about the choice I made- he finally came in- I still had the phone in my hand. He told me in a stern voice- "put your phone down!" So I put my phone down- Here we go!He came up behind me and put a blindfold over my eyes. WTF- he keeps a blindfold on him?! I heard him pacing. He told me to sit up straight and put my hands on my thighs and not to move them. Then I felt a hand brush my hair, then my cheek, my lips.Then I felt a hand on my stomach- he pulled my bra aside- then I felt what I assumed was ice on my nipples- then a mouth!
Next he told me to strip and kneel back down. I did then he told me to open my mouth, so I did- what do you think heppened next? Yes I felt a cock entering my mouth. Like I said before I enjoy oral so there was no problem there! He told me to suck his cock- then he pushed my head down farther so I was deep throating him- yummy! He told me to lay down on the bed and put my hands on the headboard like I was bound- so I did. Then of course you know what happened. I'm not going into full detail about every thrust LOL. I accidently moved a hand and he immediately told me to put my hand back in a stern voice. Oooh- now things were getting exciting! So being the fiesty person I am I did it again on purpose. Again he told me to put my hand back. Ok- so that excited me a little- the whole control thing- so I did it again! He stopped and told me to stand up and bend over the edge of the bed. He said he was going to punish me for not listening- now we're talking! So I bent over the bed- he told me to count out loud every time he spanked me. Let me just say- I LOVE spanking! So I was a little excited at that point. He started "1,2,3,4,5,6,7,8,9,10."
After the spanking he told me to go get a black marker- oh boy- that could only mean one thing! I went and got a marker. He told me to lay back down on the bed and put my hands back on the headboard and to leave them there the whole time! Then things continued- he stopped for a minute and said "what should I write on you huh? I'll write fucked- so all your friends will know you were fucked!" LOL- I am cracking up inside at that point. So he wrote fucked on my stomach in big letters. Then he pulled my hair with one hand and I felt another hand around my neck- I immediately freak out! I think "No! Where did you even get the idea that I'm into breath play?! We never discussed anything related to that!" But he didn't choke me- he just put a little pressure which actually excited me a little- I never would have thought I would be into something like that!
If you read my journal entries you know by now that he left without even looking at me and didn't say one word! Not even bye! He just walked out! That really made me feel used! Anyways- there's my story. Again- a learning experience.
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