I have realized something about myself recently. I knew I was a passionate person but didn't realize that I bring that aspect into every part of my life. I'm not just talking about passion in the sense of relationships, sex. When most hear the word passion they immediately think of sex, pleasure. I realized I approach everything full force from the beginning. I don't embark on any project in my life without being passionate about it. I put everything I have into every situation in my life. I am enveloped by it- I think that is why I tend to think things to death. When I am in a moment I am THE moment. I let it take over- I breathe in the moment. Whether it be work or time with my daughter, time with a friend, working out- I am in the moment completely. Nothing shakes my determination. I also think that is why I tend to take things so personally and I let things get to me. I am forever giving my all in every aspect so I get so involved in the moment that every emotion I feel is intense. Whether it be sorrow, anger, happiness, excitement, love- everything is intense to me.
So I wonder if a person can be too passionate. Am I too passionate of life in general? I know I tend to put myself out there more due to the fact that I am so passionate but I can't hold it back. If I hold it in I feel like I'm going to explode. I am forever having others tell me to relax in situations. I can't! Can't you see all my feelings just seeping out of me? Some may find it annoying, some may love it. I think it is a great trait to have. But it does have its benefits and its downfalls. Since most don't seem to be as passionate about life as me- they view me as too eager to please or weak. I don't think a willingness to please is a weakness at all. It is part of me and I can't help that- why should I feel bad about that? Yes it can get tiring feeling everything so intensly every moment of everyday but I can't turn it off. I've found that people have taken advantage of my eagerness to please and my passion for life. That is where it can be a bad trait- if someone wants to use it to manipulate you. But I think it is more of a good trait than a bad trait. Especially in this lifestyle. Knowing I am a passionate person and knowing I will do anything to please lets my partner know I will always give 100%. I will be in every moment of every encounter with my Dom. I will do everything in my power to make sure I please every moment of everyday.
Just the past few days something has switched in my thinking process. I don't know what triggered it, what brought it on- or if it just happened. I went from thinking as an independant individual wanting to be bratty and push limits and fight someone with everything I have to wanting to turn down that brattiness and only please. I want to know what exactly pleases a person, so I know everything I do pleases them. What the hell? Since when do I want to willingly submit with no fight at all? What changed in me? I think I just officially became a true sub this week. I think I was still trying to fight against my needs because I still thought it was crazy for me to want to give that much control to another. But now- that's all I want. I totally yearn for the feeling of being owned- cherished. I want to live to please another- I don't want to disobey and fight someone. I want them to tell me exactly what I can do to please them and give my all to please.
I am not going to reveal anymore about this subject at this point. I am a little confused by this transition at this time and I need to digest. I have been caught a little off guard by this change in thinking. I don't know what to do with it at this point. Yet- I am so at peace at this moment in my life. I feel like I've come home after being away for a long time. I feel like I've finally found that girl I was 10 years ago- but now I am a grown woman willing to admit to my true self.
Wednesday, August 25, 2010
Tuesday, August 24, 2010
The Best Submissive I Can Be
So I have spoken to a lot of Dom's at this point. Quite a few have recommended I buy a "handbook" for submissives since I am new to D/s so I have a guideline for what is expected of me as a submissive. Um- you're all crazy! I hate to say it but that is my opinion. Ever heard of being naturally submissive? Isn't that what most subs are? Deep down you have to have that type of personality in order to truly be submissive. What woman is willingly going to submit when they want to take control of situations? Doesn't make sense! So why would I need a book to explain to me how to let another take control when I do that naturally?
Well- I figured, since I am new to this maybe I'll buy a book and see if there is anything in there that would help since this is a whole new experience for me. Maybe I'm forgetting or accidentally doing things I shouldn't, not knowing I am offending people. So I bought a little "handbook". I was right- it is a total crock of shit! It makes it seem so clinical. It suggests if you are new to the scene to observe other sub's and figure out which behaviors you think are acceptable and which are not. Then avoid the unacceptable behaviors and make it a goal to focus on the acceptable behaviors. Sounds to me like they are stating I need to change my personality to fit what I think a Dom wants in general. Sorry- not going to happen. I am who I am, I feel I need to find the right Dom that fits my personality- not change who I am to please ANY Dom. It is a different dynamic with each partner. I've been in enough situations now to know that even though I have my own personality- each Dom brings out different aspects of my personality. Some may like to be called Sir- and I love that. Some don't like to be called Sir, which is fine. Some may like a bratty personality and me fighting them every step of the way- which I admit I do in the beginning. Some may want me to just shut up and follow rules no questions asked all the time. I admit once I am in the "zone" I fall into the role of the submissive they are looking for. Once I know how the Dom wants me to respond to them- I follow suit. But I still remain me, just that different parts of my personality shine through more than others.
Reading this book made me stop and think about what type of submissive I am. The author mentioned how she can't stand bratty behavior. I admit I am one that acts bratty a lot of the time. Not to say it is all the time, every time. It just made me stop and think about my behaviors and really think more about what type of Dom would fit my needs. I know some are saying "a Dom to fit YOUR needs? I'm the Dom- you only worry about MY needs!" Well if that is your view- we will not get along. Plus- if I view things differently from a Dom- I definitely will never fulfill their needs. You have to start with the same view of D/s. You have to be into the same kinks- or open to trying new things with that individual or else it will just turn into a power struggle! I know from experience LOL. I talked to one Dom that just wanted me to shut up and do whatever he said no questions asked- 24/7. I pushed the whole way. I said no, I disobeyed on purpose sometimes because that is me. He had a real problem with that and thought I was truly not submissive. He said "maybe this life style is not for you." I disagree- he may not have liked bratty behavior, but I have found some that like that playfulness just as much as I do. It's not that I'm not submissive- anyone who truly knows me knows I am the epitome of a sub when it comes down to it. I can't be anything else. It just shows that everyone has different needs when it comes to D/s.
So I took the time to sit down and think about my behaviors as a sub. I think it is important because that way you know exactly what type of Dom would suit you. So I analyzed my behaviors with Dom's. I'll give you a little taste of my "style", if you want to call it that, of submission. When I start chatting with a Dom- I'm not one that writes messages starting out with "Dear Sir"- no that's not me. I talk to you as a person first. I want to get to know you and your personality. What are your likes, dislikes- to see if it is even worth our time to get to know one another. Once I've established we have the same interests and views I basically let the Dom take the lead. Ask me questions, get to know me, tell me your "style" as a Dom. I tend to take a backseat and I don't ask questions or demand anything- I figure if you want to tell me anything you will just come out and tell me. Once I've established contact I basically want to see how dominant you are. Do you take over completely or are you still trying to be "respectful" and treat me as an equal? I admit- I like someone who takes control, but not to the point that it feels like I HAVE to submit to you the minute I start chatting with you. I just want to have that sense of confidence there all the time. I want to know you truly are a Dom even in day to day life. I like strong personalities- bold individuals.
So once I get a sense of a Dom- I start to test he he. Yes I can be bratty, usually only in the beginning or only while chatting online and on the phone. Honestly when I meet someone in person it is a completely different story. I'm in full submissive mode in person. I like to see how much I can push and get away with. I may purposefully not say Sir or crack smart ass remarks. I get a little rush when someone says "excuse me?" when I forget to say Sir or they remind me of the rules I am to follow. I like to find out the person's reaction when I don't follow directions to get a sense of how it would be in person. Also I think it makes it a little more interesting if I am not compliant from the beginning. To me it is more of a reward if I am resistant in the beginning and you get me to submit to you by being the Dom that you are, putting me in my place. To me it's a win win situation. You get the satisfaction of a strong female submitting to your strong personality and I have the satisfaction of finding someone strong enough to put me in my place.
So most can't handle my brattiness on the phone I will admit- most view it as me just being disobedient. I may lay it on a little thick from time to time just to see if you truly can handle my stubborn personality. But in person it is completely different. It seems once I am in the presence of a Dom all that stubbornness melts away, unless I just happen to be in a really feisty mood that day- which does happen from time to time. Generally when I am in the presence of a dominant personality- its like a switch has been flipped. I immediately become shy, quiet, obedient. I wait for the Dom to start conversation, ask me questions, let him take the lead in conversation- let him steer me in the direction he wants it to go. The more I talk to someone the more I open up. So I may seem very shy at first and not open. But as time goes by I open up more and more. I wait in anticipation for the moment that you switch into Dom mode, when we are away from others and you speak to me in the tone that lets me know- "OK now you are to be submissive and know your place. We are no longer equal- you are to submit to my every desire." As soon as I know we are in that role- I can't help it- it just happens. I immediately feel like I can't make eye contact, I stare at the floor. My voice gets softer, I usually answer in very short precise answers. Usually I'll just sit in silence until you ask me yes or no questions and will only answer "yes Sir" or "no Sir". Of course I smile the whole time- I can't help it- this smile just comes out of nowhere. I like how controlled I feel in that moment. I like the feeling of another in control of everything.
As the conversation goes on I become less resistant. I try to please as much as I can. Whether it be the tone of voice you want me to speak in, what you want me to say, the way you want me to sit, stand. I do everything willingly- no fight at all. I'm in complete "sub mode" now. For some reason when it becomes physical I revert back a little. I start to resist again if you tell me to undress or bend over etc. I may not outright say "no" but I may wait for you to repeat yourself twice, maybe three times sometimes. I want a response out of you- put me in my place again. Remind me who's in charge. Pull my hair, grab my arm, whatever. Just establish your control with a touch, maybe even a whispered threat. Then as time goes on I am more and more in the moment to the point where you tell me to do/say something and there is no fight at all. I relish in that moment, I love that feeling. The feeling of total control and my willingness to do whatever I can to please. I seem to be unable to form words- I just feel/do. The only time I will talk is if you tell me to say something. I seem to forget how to form thoughts into words. You may ask me a question and all I can say is "I don't know". I'm completely in sub mode at that point. I'm totally enveloped by the sensations I am feeling and want you to take what you want, I give everything willingly.
Some talk of aftercare, time for a sub to switch back to "normal". Honestly most are completely shocked that the moment we are said and done- I switch back to "normal" instantly. I don't usually need time to recover- once the moment is over I am not enveloped by it anymore- I think clearly instantly. A few have said to me "wow, I was trying to get you into sub space but I couldn't". Just because I snap out if it the instant it is done does not mean I wasn't in "sub space". I definitely was- I just recover fast. I can only think of one moment when I was in shock after and did not recover right away. Maybe because the experiences I've had have not been the most intense- who knows. I guess I will have to wait and find out. The only moment when I felt like a deer in headlights was the Mistress Trinity encounter. I think it was mostly because it all happened so quickly- no warm up. Just one minute we're talking the next she's using a flogger on me when I expected a spanking and not a flogger. I think it was more the shock than it just being an intense moment. After I could barely walk and I seriously felt like my eyes were the size of saucers. All that was going through my head was "THAT just happened! OMG! Seriously- that just happened." I was just in total shock that I was spanked and flogged by a woman and liked it! Not just the woman part- but the fact that I actually enjoyed being spanked and flogged. That was definitely an eye opening moment. I think that is the moment that totally solidified my need for BDSM.
So there is a little bit about my view as a sub. I say screw these "handbooks". Yes they can be helpful, don't get me wrong. But honestly when I am in the moment- I can't be anything but myself. Plus- I like being me. I don't see that as a problem and I think everyone should be comfortable with being themselves no matter how bratty or obedient you are. I just happen to be a little stubborn in the beginning- and I love it!
Well- I figured, since I am new to this maybe I'll buy a book and see if there is anything in there that would help since this is a whole new experience for me. Maybe I'm forgetting or accidentally doing things I shouldn't, not knowing I am offending people. So I bought a little "handbook". I was right- it is a total crock of shit! It makes it seem so clinical. It suggests if you are new to the scene to observe other sub's and figure out which behaviors you think are acceptable and which are not. Then avoid the unacceptable behaviors and make it a goal to focus on the acceptable behaviors. Sounds to me like they are stating I need to change my personality to fit what I think a Dom wants in general. Sorry- not going to happen. I am who I am, I feel I need to find the right Dom that fits my personality- not change who I am to please ANY Dom. It is a different dynamic with each partner. I've been in enough situations now to know that even though I have my own personality- each Dom brings out different aspects of my personality. Some may like to be called Sir- and I love that. Some don't like to be called Sir, which is fine. Some may like a bratty personality and me fighting them every step of the way- which I admit I do in the beginning. Some may want me to just shut up and follow rules no questions asked all the time. I admit once I am in the "zone" I fall into the role of the submissive they are looking for. Once I know how the Dom wants me to respond to them- I follow suit. But I still remain me, just that different parts of my personality shine through more than others.
Reading this book made me stop and think about what type of submissive I am. The author mentioned how she can't stand bratty behavior. I admit I am one that acts bratty a lot of the time. Not to say it is all the time, every time. It just made me stop and think about my behaviors and really think more about what type of Dom would fit my needs. I know some are saying "a Dom to fit YOUR needs? I'm the Dom- you only worry about MY needs!" Well if that is your view- we will not get along. Plus- if I view things differently from a Dom- I definitely will never fulfill their needs. You have to start with the same view of D/s. You have to be into the same kinks- or open to trying new things with that individual or else it will just turn into a power struggle! I know from experience LOL. I talked to one Dom that just wanted me to shut up and do whatever he said no questions asked- 24/7. I pushed the whole way. I said no, I disobeyed on purpose sometimes because that is me. He had a real problem with that and thought I was truly not submissive. He said "maybe this life style is not for you." I disagree- he may not have liked bratty behavior, but I have found some that like that playfulness just as much as I do. It's not that I'm not submissive- anyone who truly knows me knows I am the epitome of a sub when it comes down to it. I can't be anything else. It just shows that everyone has different needs when it comes to D/s.
So I took the time to sit down and think about my behaviors as a sub. I think it is important because that way you know exactly what type of Dom would suit you. So I analyzed my behaviors with Dom's. I'll give you a little taste of my "style", if you want to call it that, of submission. When I start chatting with a Dom- I'm not one that writes messages starting out with "Dear Sir"- no that's not me. I talk to you as a person first. I want to get to know you and your personality. What are your likes, dislikes- to see if it is even worth our time to get to know one another. Once I've established we have the same interests and views I basically let the Dom take the lead. Ask me questions, get to know me, tell me your "style" as a Dom. I tend to take a backseat and I don't ask questions or demand anything- I figure if you want to tell me anything you will just come out and tell me. Once I've established contact I basically want to see how dominant you are. Do you take over completely or are you still trying to be "respectful" and treat me as an equal? I admit- I like someone who takes control, but not to the point that it feels like I HAVE to submit to you the minute I start chatting with you. I just want to have that sense of confidence there all the time. I want to know you truly are a Dom even in day to day life. I like strong personalities- bold individuals.
So once I get a sense of a Dom- I start to test he he. Yes I can be bratty, usually only in the beginning or only while chatting online and on the phone. Honestly when I meet someone in person it is a completely different story. I'm in full submissive mode in person. I like to see how much I can push and get away with. I may purposefully not say Sir or crack smart ass remarks. I get a little rush when someone says "excuse me?" when I forget to say Sir or they remind me of the rules I am to follow. I like to find out the person's reaction when I don't follow directions to get a sense of how it would be in person. Also I think it makes it a little more interesting if I am not compliant from the beginning. To me it is more of a reward if I am resistant in the beginning and you get me to submit to you by being the Dom that you are, putting me in my place. To me it's a win win situation. You get the satisfaction of a strong female submitting to your strong personality and I have the satisfaction of finding someone strong enough to put me in my place.
So most can't handle my brattiness on the phone I will admit- most view it as me just being disobedient. I may lay it on a little thick from time to time just to see if you truly can handle my stubborn personality. But in person it is completely different. It seems once I am in the presence of a Dom all that stubbornness melts away, unless I just happen to be in a really feisty mood that day- which does happen from time to time. Generally when I am in the presence of a dominant personality- its like a switch has been flipped. I immediately become shy, quiet, obedient. I wait for the Dom to start conversation, ask me questions, let him take the lead in conversation- let him steer me in the direction he wants it to go. The more I talk to someone the more I open up. So I may seem very shy at first and not open. But as time goes by I open up more and more. I wait in anticipation for the moment that you switch into Dom mode, when we are away from others and you speak to me in the tone that lets me know- "OK now you are to be submissive and know your place. We are no longer equal- you are to submit to my every desire." As soon as I know we are in that role- I can't help it- it just happens. I immediately feel like I can't make eye contact, I stare at the floor. My voice gets softer, I usually answer in very short precise answers. Usually I'll just sit in silence until you ask me yes or no questions and will only answer "yes Sir" or "no Sir". Of course I smile the whole time- I can't help it- this smile just comes out of nowhere. I like how controlled I feel in that moment. I like the feeling of another in control of everything.
As the conversation goes on I become less resistant. I try to please as much as I can. Whether it be the tone of voice you want me to speak in, what you want me to say, the way you want me to sit, stand. I do everything willingly- no fight at all. I'm in complete "sub mode" now. For some reason when it becomes physical I revert back a little. I start to resist again if you tell me to undress or bend over etc. I may not outright say "no" but I may wait for you to repeat yourself twice, maybe three times sometimes. I want a response out of you- put me in my place again. Remind me who's in charge. Pull my hair, grab my arm, whatever. Just establish your control with a touch, maybe even a whispered threat. Then as time goes on I am more and more in the moment to the point where you tell me to do/say something and there is no fight at all. I relish in that moment, I love that feeling. The feeling of total control and my willingness to do whatever I can to please. I seem to be unable to form words- I just feel/do. The only time I will talk is if you tell me to say something. I seem to forget how to form thoughts into words. You may ask me a question and all I can say is "I don't know". I'm completely in sub mode at that point. I'm totally enveloped by the sensations I am feeling and want you to take what you want, I give everything willingly.
Some talk of aftercare, time for a sub to switch back to "normal". Honestly most are completely shocked that the moment we are said and done- I switch back to "normal" instantly. I don't usually need time to recover- once the moment is over I am not enveloped by it anymore- I think clearly instantly. A few have said to me "wow, I was trying to get you into sub space but I couldn't". Just because I snap out if it the instant it is done does not mean I wasn't in "sub space". I definitely was- I just recover fast. I can only think of one moment when I was in shock after and did not recover right away. Maybe because the experiences I've had have not been the most intense- who knows. I guess I will have to wait and find out. The only moment when I felt like a deer in headlights was the Mistress Trinity encounter. I think it was mostly because it all happened so quickly- no warm up. Just one minute we're talking the next she's using a flogger on me when I expected a spanking and not a flogger. I think it was more the shock than it just being an intense moment. After I could barely walk and I seriously felt like my eyes were the size of saucers. All that was going through my head was "THAT just happened! OMG! Seriously- that just happened." I was just in total shock that I was spanked and flogged by a woman and liked it! Not just the woman part- but the fact that I actually enjoyed being spanked and flogged. That was definitely an eye opening moment. I think that is the moment that totally solidified my need for BDSM.
So there is a little bit about my view as a sub. I say screw these "handbooks". Yes they can be helpful, don't get me wrong. But honestly when I am in the moment- I can't be anything but myself. Plus- I like being me. I don't see that as a problem and I think everyone should be comfortable with being themselves no matter how bratty or obedient you are. I just happen to be a little stubborn in the beginning- and I love it!
Sunday, August 22, 2010
Inner Battle
I've felt a little out of sorts lately. I haven't been able to put a finger on why I have been. I'm usually very good at understanding what is going on in my head- this time- I keep asking myself "why have I checked out emotionally? Why am I so worried of what others think and worry that I will say or do the wrong thing?" I think I finally figured it out. Due to the immature asses I chatted with before- it has made me now forever doubt the intentions of others. Now that I'm actually communicating with a great person I doubt if they truly are what they say the are. I can't see how anyone would be interested in owning me because I've let these boys make me feel less than. I am again letting others control my happiness and I'm tired of it. So I'm just going to put it all out there and if I fail, oh well. At least I'm being honest and true to myself.
So lately instead of focusing on a connection with someone I've been reading into things way too much and not just having fun with life in general. I just need to be me! I'm the type that goes with the flow- what will be will be- I try not to let anything get to me. But many have said to me- "oh the guys on your blog don't have a good track record." Well honestly because I only post about the jackasses- I don't care if they get mad about what I say. I've never posted about the great people I meet. I feel bad writing about someone I am either still talking to or if it didn't work out just due to personality/kink differences. But I am going to post about the one I am chatting with at the moment for a few different reasons. One- I need to get out all this drama going through my head (sorry to say R but a lot of the questioning has come from things you have said LOL. You seem to like to freak me out and play mindgames) Second- if this person is going to own me in the future, I think he needs to get used to me posting about him because I fully intend to keep posting about my experiences. Of course I would totally respect his wishes if he did not want me to post about him, but I really want to post about all the great experiences I will have. Third- he is a great person and I want to share my thoughts- I'm tired of holding all this in and want to say how much fun I think we could have and how we are possibly an awesome match. Especially seeing as I have never been owned before- he seems like the best person for me to get my feet wet with, he is understanding and firm when he needs to be but also is interested in getting to know me and not just telling me what HE likes for others to do to please him. I think we view D/s in the same way and also he likes me being fiesty from time to time which is a huge thing because I have come across so many that see that as a bad personality trait. I can't change that about myself and honestly it is tough to hold in that fiesty part of myself. I like to fight at first, then I'll give in. To me it would be boring if I just followed directions everytime no questions asked, no resistence. Not to say it is an everyday occurance but I like to do that from time to time. A lot view that as just being disobedient- I don't see it that way. I see it as more of a challenge and also more fun. Don't you agree that it is more fun to have someone fight you and then eventually submit instead of one that just follows your directions first time they are asked, everytime? Isn't it more rewarding to have someone submit to you after a bit of a fight? I think it is.
So the question is do I give him a candy name or not? Nothing seems to quite live up to his personality. Also if he ends up being my Dom am I really going to call him a candy name? No- probably not. So I think to show respect and show I am truly serious about all this- for the time being I will address him as Sir. I will discuss it with him later and ask his opinion. But in this post I will call him Sir.
So I have been chatting with Sir for quite some time now. The first time I started chatting with him I was very impressed- we seemed to view things the same and it was easy to converse. But honestly seeing the pics he had up on his profile I immediately thought "oh no- he's too cute to be interested in someone like me. He is probably looking for the perfect pinup model type blonde hair. He is not looking for a redhead with curves." So I chatted with him not expecting for him to be impressed with me at all. What can I say- ok yes I admit I am a shallow person when it comes to looks so I expect everyone else to base their impressions on looks first. Especially in a lifestyle like BDSM- most do base their opinion of you on looks first, personality very last. Hell I admit I am into looks first! But I will take the time to get to know an individual- some wont. So yeah- now that we've established that I think Sir is cute lets move on LOL. At the time I was honestly chatting with like five different Dom's and liked something about each of them. They all had bold personalities and at that time I thought being bold about wanting to know about kinks and looks and everything was the way to go. I was not looking for slow moving people and them wanting to get to know me for me. I was looking for a play partner- not to be owned. So Sir was kind of pushed to the back of the pack just because he was not as bold as the others. Come to find out- that is not what I am looking for. I'm not just looking for a play partner and for someone to only worry about how they can do it for me or if I am willing to submit to them for one play session. Plus I pushed him aside because I thought he had no interest in me except just as friends and someone to chat with when he was bored.
One day we were chatting and in the midst of a conversation Sir told me he was interested in me- that he liked me. That opened my eyes. "oh- so he is actually just taking the time to get to know me! What a concept!" Then I realized- he would make an awesome match as a Dom. I got that feeling from the beginning of chatting with him but did not pursue anything because I thought he had no interest in me as a possible sub. So once he showed interest I thought I need to slow things down here and take a good look at the possible connection here. I had only been interested in finding a quick fix for my need for D/s before but it was not fufilling. I realized I wanted to be owned- have that consistency with someone in order to trust one enough to experience all the things I want to try. I'm not going to just let some stranger I've only met once tie me up and have their way with me. No- I have to trust the person completely that they are not going to do anything stupid and that they know what they are doing! I can't have that connection with someone unless I take the time to get to know them and see if we truly are a good match. Then after I realized I wanted to find a Dom to own me I happened upon another Dom who had a lot of the same personality traits and views of D/s as Sir. Then the inner battle began.
Thoughts filled my mind of "are they truly genuine? What if I focus more on one and they turn out to be just another jackass trying to win over my trust just like the others? Who's to say they are both the way they present themselves? Can they both truly be such nice caring people? What if I concentrae more on one and they turn out to be a total fake- then I've shut the door on the opportunity to get to know the other- and they might be genuine. How is it that there can be two such wonderful people in this world?" But I didn't want to lead one on just to keep them in my back pocket in case the other the other turned out to be a total fake. I didn't get the feeling either were fake- but you can never tell online. You can present yourself any way you choose- but I didn't want to say this to either and have them think I am doubting them because I truly wanted to see if we had a connection and if it was worth the time getting to know both of them. They have both been consistent in the way they have presented themselves, but you can only get to know a person so much from chatting. Eventually you have to meet, see if the person is truly genuine. So I hold back waiting to meet them in person to see if they are truly who they say they are. I feel bad for having reservations but I can't help it- especially since I've met quite a few that have been total fakes.
So at this point- I am very interested in Sir owning me but I think I truly have to see if he is the person he has presented himself to be. If so I think we would totally get along great and it would be an awesome match. But I can only put myself out there so much and can only feel a sense of his personality so much online. It's not up to me where it goes at this point. I am willing to put myself out there now and say I really want to see where this goes because I really like his personality and like the way he approaches things- but I am not in the driver's seat. I'm open and waiting to get to know him better- it's now up to him if he is really looking to get to know me and thinks I would be a great match. Come on- I'm willing and open, take it where you want to- or tell me if you really are not interested and just want to chat only.
So lately instead of focusing on a connection with someone I've been reading into things way too much and not just having fun with life in general. I just need to be me! I'm the type that goes with the flow- what will be will be- I try not to let anything get to me. But many have said to me- "oh the guys on your blog don't have a good track record." Well honestly because I only post about the jackasses- I don't care if they get mad about what I say. I've never posted about the great people I meet. I feel bad writing about someone I am either still talking to or if it didn't work out just due to personality/kink differences. But I am going to post about the one I am chatting with at the moment for a few different reasons. One- I need to get out all this drama going through my head (sorry to say R but a lot of the questioning has come from things you have said LOL. You seem to like to freak me out and play mindgames) Second- if this person is going to own me in the future, I think he needs to get used to me posting about him because I fully intend to keep posting about my experiences. Of course I would totally respect his wishes if he did not want me to post about him, but I really want to post about all the great experiences I will have. Third- he is a great person and I want to share my thoughts- I'm tired of holding all this in and want to say how much fun I think we could have and how we are possibly an awesome match. Especially seeing as I have never been owned before- he seems like the best person for me to get my feet wet with, he is understanding and firm when he needs to be but also is interested in getting to know me and not just telling me what HE likes for others to do to please him. I think we view D/s in the same way and also he likes me being fiesty from time to time which is a huge thing because I have come across so many that see that as a bad personality trait. I can't change that about myself and honestly it is tough to hold in that fiesty part of myself. I like to fight at first, then I'll give in. To me it would be boring if I just followed directions everytime no questions asked, no resistence. Not to say it is an everyday occurance but I like to do that from time to time. A lot view that as just being disobedient- I don't see it that way. I see it as more of a challenge and also more fun. Don't you agree that it is more fun to have someone fight you and then eventually submit instead of one that just follows your directions first time they are asked, everytime? Isn't it more rewarding to have someone submit to you after a bit of a fight? I think it is.
So the question is do I give him a candy name or not? Nothing seems to quite live up to his personality. Also if he ends up being my Dom am I really going to call him a candy name? No- probably not. So I think to show respect and show I am truly serious about all this- for the time being I will address him as Sir. I will discuss it with him later and ask his opinion. But in this post I will call him Sir.
So I have been chatting with Sir for quite some time now. The first time I started chatting with him I was very impressed- we seemed to view things the same and it was easy to converse. But honestly seeing the pics he had up on his profile I immediately thought "oh no- he's too cute to be interested in someone like me. He is probably looking for the perfect pinup model type blonde hair. He is not looking for a redhead with curves." So I chatted with him not expecting for him to be impressed with me at all. What can I say- ok yes I admit I am a shallow person when it comes to looks so I expect everyone else to base their impressions on looks first. Especially in a lifestyle like BDSM- most do base their opinion of you on looks first, personality very last. Hell I admit I am into looks first! But I will take the time to get to know an individual- some wont. So yeah- now that we've established that I think Sir is cute lets move on LOL. At the time I was honestly chatting with like five different Dom's and liked something about each of them. They all had bold personalities and at that time I thought being bold about wanting to know about kinks and looks and everything was the way to go. I was not looking for slow moving people and them wanting to get to know me for me. I was looking for a play partner- not to be owned. So Sir was kind of pushed to the back of the pack just because he was not as bold as the others. Come to find out- that is not what I am looking for. I'm not just looking for a play partner and for someone to only worry about how they can do it for me or if I am willing to submit to them for one play session. Plus I pushed him aside because I thought he had no interest in me except just as friends and someone to chat with when he was bored.
One day we were chatting and in the midst of a conversation Sir told me he was interested in me- that he liked me. That opened my eyes. "oh- so he is actually just taking the time to get to know me! What a concept!" Then I realized- he would make an awesome match as a Dom. I got that feeling from the beginning of chatting with him but did not pursue anything because I thought he had no interest in me as a possible sub. So once he showed interest I thought I need to slow things down here and take a good look at the possible connection here. I had only been interested in finding a quick fix for my need for D/s before but it was not fufilling. I realized I wanted to be owned- have that consistency with someone in order to trust one enough to experience all the things I want to try. I'm not going to just let some stranger I've only met once tie me up and have their way with me. No- I have to trust the person completely that they are not going to do anything stupid and that they know what they are doing! I can't have that connection with someone unless I take the time to get to know them and see if we truly are a good match. Then after I realized I wanted to find a Dom to own me I happened upon another Dom who had a lot of the same personality traits and views of D/s as Sir. Then the inner battle began.
Thoughts filled my mind of "are they truly genuine? What if I focus more on one and they turn out to be just another jackass trying to win over my trust just like the others? Who's to say they are both the way they present themselves? Can they both truly be such nice caring people? What if I concentrae more on one and they turn out to be a total fake- then I've shut the door on the opportunity to get to know the other- and they might be genuine. How is it that there can be two such wonderful people in this world?" But I didn't want to lead one on just to keep them in my back pocket in case the other the other turned out to be a total fake. I didn't get the feeling either were fake- but you can never tell online. You can present yourself any way you choose- but I didn't want to say this to either and have them think I am doubting them because I truly wanted to see if we had a connection and if it was worth the time getting to know both of them. They have both been consistent in the way they have presented themselves, but you can only get to know a person so much from chatting. Eventually you have to meet, see if the person is truly genuine. So I hold back waiting to meet them in person to see if they are truly who they say they are. I feel bad for having reservations but I can't help it- especially since I've met quite a few that have been total fakes.
So at this point- I am very interested in Sir owning me but I think I truly have to see if he is the person he has presented himself to be. If so I think we would totally get along great and it would be an awesome match. But I can only put myself out there so much and can only feel a sense of his personality so much online. It's not up to me where it goes at this point. I am willing to put myself out there now and say I really want to see where this goes because I really like his personality and like the way he approaches things- but I am not in the driver's seat. I'm open and waiting to get to know him better- it's now up to him if he is really looking to get to know me and thinks I would be a great match. Come on- I'm willing and open, take it where you want to- or tell me if you really are not interested and just want to chat only.
Thursday, August 19, 2010
Why Me?
Yes people- I'm doubting myself again! I don't doubt my place in this lifestyle- no not at all. I know I need D/s in my life now- it's part of me. I doubt if I am worth being owned. Why would someone choose to own me? I'm nothing special. Am I even worthy of being considered for ownership? Why would someone choose me out of all the other subs out there? I'm new to all this, I'm too fiesty most of the time, I'm too much work. So- how could I possibly think someone would want to own me?
All I really have to offer is my need to please and willingness to explore all BDSM has to offer. I admit- I am so ready to jump into a D/s relationship- I want to begin my journey. I'm chomping at the bit. But I hesitate because I can't stop thinking- "would I really be a great sub for someone? What makes me think I have what it takes to please someone?" But I don't think it is my choice to make. It's not up to me if I am owned. I mean yes- I have a say in if I'm willing to submit to them, but I have no choice over whether the person wants to own me or thinks I'm worthy of being owned.
Hell- I can't even ask the questions I want to ask because I have myself so worked up that I'll bug the person if I take up any of their time. All I think about lately is D/s! It seems it has become my life at times- is that normal in the beginning? I feel like a crazy person. It is overwhelming at points- I just have to stop and take a moment to breathe- tell myself it is nothing, it is just another side of myself that I have recently discovered. I'm not saying I'm just going to jump into it with anyone! I have to trust the person completely if I'm truly going to be owned.
So- what do I have to offer? Not much- but I do have a need to please. I would make sure I do everything in my power and always give 100% in trying to please my Dom. I'm open to trying new things and want to try new things. I want to be the best sub I can be. I want someone to take the time to tell me exactly what pleases them and I will always give my best effort to do just that- please. That is all I can offer. Is that enough to be worthy of owning? I'm not sure.
All I really have to offer is my need to please and willingness to explore all BDSM has to offer. I admit- I am so ready to jump into a D/s relationship- I want to begin my journey. I'm chomping at the bit. But I hesitate because I can't stop thinking- "would I really be a great sub for someone? What makes me think I have what it takes to please someone?" But I don't think it is my choice to make. It's not up to me if I am owned. I mean yes- I have a say in if I'm willing to submit to them, but I have no choice over whether the person wants to own me or thinks I'm worthy of being owned.
Hell- I can't even ask the questions I want to ask because I have myself so worked up that I'll bug the person if I take up any of their time. All I think about lately is D/s! It seems it has become my life at times- is that normal in the beginning? I feel like a crazy person. It is overwhelming at points- I just have to stop and take a moment to breathe- tell myself it is nothing, it is just another side of myself that I have recently discovered. I'm not saying I'm just going to jump into it with anyone! I have to trust the person completely if I'm truly going to be owned.
So- what do I have to offer? Not much- but I do have a need to please. I would make sure I do everything in my power and always give 100% in trying to please my Dom. I'm open to trying new things and want to try new things. I want to be the best sub I can be. I want someone to take the time to tell me exactly what pleases them and I will always give my best effort to do just that- please. That is all I can offer. Is that enough to be worthy of owning? I'm not sure.
Tuesday, August 17, 2010
Submission
Well at this time I am exploring the possibility of becoming one's sub. I feel very honored and privileged to even be under consideration to be owned. I would be overjoyed to be owned- the thought of one thinking I please enough to be owned- that would make me very happy. So with the possibility of being owned in my near future- well who knows- no reason to rush into anything. With the possibility of being owned in my future- I have been doing a lot of thinking and surprisingly I am more at peace. I think just based on my personality- I like the dynamic of someone having control over certain aspects in my life. Not to say I want someone to control EVERY aspect of my life. Come on! First- not possible, second- so not my thing! I'm a sub- I'm not looking for someone to make every decision for me- just certain aspects. So knowing I might have that control aspect in my life soon and feeling comfortable and pleased with it solidifies in my mind- my need for submission.
I spent months going back and forth thinking- "are you really THAT submissive? Are you really willing to offer that much trust to someone? Do you really want to have to answer to authority- follow rules, complete tasks?" But when I'm told to do something or a rule is enforced I fall into it so easily- it's like second nature to me. It fits like a glove- I'm actually happy following rules no matter how ridiculous and completing tasks knowing when I do it pleases the other person.
Sometimes just for a rule to be enforced I'll push the limit and be fiesty just so authority is used. But I will admit maybe I do it too often at this point and I need to figure out when it is ok to be playful and when I truly should follow directions- no questions asked. Yes- I do need boundaries set and I'm comfortable and again feel at peace when I have set boundaries and rules. Just as there are women who love to be in control and do what they please there are women who live to please others. I am one who lives to please- that is me and I'm not going to change. Before I thought it a sign of weakness- willing to do whatever I can to please another- but now I don't view it that way at all. I am who I am- everyone is different. How can I view submission as a weakness when I feel so comfortable doing it? I feel out of place and totally out of control when I am left to make all decisions for myself. If anything I think it takes more strength to give up some form of control to another- to trust another that much, willing to do whatever it takes to please another.
Is it odd to say I feel more empowered when I follow another's rules willingly? It's an unusual concept to grasp- but that explains exactly how I feel. I'm comfortable, I'm myself, I hold my head higher, I'm more sure of myself- who I am when I give over some of the power of decision making to another. So I look forward to possibly having the opportunity to be chosen to be owned. This is me and everyday- with every rule that is set, every task completed, everytime I say "Sir"- the peace I feel in that moment tells me I'm where I need to be in my life finally and that I have found and accepted ME.
I spent months going back and forth thinking- "are you really THAT submissive? Are you really willing to offer that much trust to someone? Do you really want to have to answer to authority- follow rules, complete tasks?" But when I'm told to do something or a rule is enforced I fall into it so easily- it's like second nature to me. It fits like a glove- I'm actually happy following rules no matter how ridiculous and completing tasks knowing when I do it pleases the other person.
Sometimes just for a rule to be enforced I'll push the limit and be fiesty just so authority is used. But I will admit maybe I do it too often at this point and I need to figure out when it is ok to be playful and when I truly should follow directions- no questions asked. Yes- I do need boundaries set and I'm comfortable and again feel at peace when I have set boundaries and rules. Just as there are women who love to be in control and do what they please there are women who live to please others. I am one who lives to please- that is me and I'm not going to change. Before I thought it a sign of weakness- willing to do whatever I can to please another- but now I don't view it that way at all. I am who I am- everyone is different. How can I view submission as a weakness when I feel so comfortable doing it? I feel out of place and totally out of control when I am left to make all decisions for myself. If anything I think it takes more strength to give up some form of control to another- to trust another that much, willing to do whatever it takes to please another.
Is it odd to say I feel more empowered when I follow another's rules willingly? It's an unusual concept to grasp- but that explains exactly how I feel. I'm comfortable, I'm myself, I hold my head higher, I'm more sure of myself- who I am when I give over some of the power of decision making to another. So I look forward to possibly having the opportunity to be chosen to be owned. This is me and everyday- with every rule that is set, every task completed, everytime I say "Sir"- the peace I feel in that moment tells me I'm where I need to be in my life finally and that I have found and accepted ME.
Sunday, August 15, 2010
Positive Thinking
Well- I am feeling much better today. Like I said I let things get to me from time to time but for the most part I am a very happy care free person. So- I'm back! I'll admit I have been chatting with someone that I think would be a really great match as my Dom. Of course I have a lot to still learn about this person- but are we ever finished getting to know ourselves or others? I don't think so- I think it is great to always explore things about yourself and others. So- I don't want to say too much because he's not really big about being posted about :) I'll just talk about my impressions so far.
Well- I have found it hard to find one that matches my personality and can put up with my wackiness! I can be a bit odd at times as I'm sure you all know by now and I tend to be a little fiesty sometimes, which a lot of Dom's do not like. It seems he likes my bratiness from time to time which is good because I can't change that about myself- that is just me. You either like it or you don't. I'm not changing my personality to suit someone- if they can't handle it then we are not the right match. I find it easy to talk to him about anything and I think that is very important when it comes to BDSM. He seems to be (ok- sorry if you don't like this word but it's totally true :) a sweetheart, but a Dom at the right times. I want to find someone I can talk to as a friend before we even think about getting into D/s. So far I have to say I think I have found that.
The only thing I wonder about still at this point is what exactly the dynamic would be between us if he decides he wants to own me. I know we would only see each other maybe a few times a month- which works for both of us actaully- so that is great. But what would it be like in between those times? Would there be no interaction at all? I'm not sure lol. I honestly must say I am the type that is really into the mental aspect of things and really enjoy the control. I like rules and I like tasks. Honestly when looking for a Dom I need that dynamic- I need someone who likes to set rules and enforce them. So that is something that needs to be discussed. I know your all thinking- "why not just ask him then?" Well I would but lately he seems very busy and I'm a very shy person so I don't want to seem overbearing and ask questions when he has so many other things going on. That's just me- I don't want to take up peoples time if I don't have to. So I'm waiting patiently to see how it goes at this point. But yes- I am very impressed with him- it takes a lot for me to put that out there because even though I may seem like the type that speaks my mind all the time- when it comes to putting myself out there as a possible sub for someone I get shy and kind of flip out inside a little. I'm just being honest lol- maybe because I have never been owned so I have no idea what to really expect. Plus for me to even talk to a total stranger on the street is hard enough! So of course I'm going to have a hard time talking to someone I might possibly have to trust with my well being.
I will say this much- I think I get along with this individual better than I have with any other. I think we view D/s a lot in the same way which is great. So at this point so far so good. So hopefully we can keep chatting and getting to know each other better because I think we could really have a lot of fun together. More to come hopefully...
Well- I have found it hard to find one that matches my personality and can put up with my wackiness! I can be a bit odd at times as I'm sure you all know by now and I tend to be a little fiesty sometimes, which a lot of Dom's do not like. It seems he likes my bratiness from time to time which is good because I can't change that about myself- that is just me. You either like it or you don't. I'm not changing my personality to suit someone- if they can't handle it then we are not the right match. I find it easy to talk to him about anything and I think that is very important when it comes to BDSM. He seems to be (ok- sorry if you don't like this word but it's totally true :) a sweetheart, but a Dom at the right times. I want to find someone I can talk to as a friend before we even think about getting into D/s. So far I have to say I think I have found that.
The only thing I wonder about still at this point is what exactly the dynamic would be between us if he decides he wants to own me. I know we would only see each other maybe a few times a month- which works for both of us actaully- so that is great. But what would it be like in between those times? Would there be no interaction at all? I'm not sure lol. I honestly must say I am the type that is really into the mental aspect of things and really enjoy the control. I like rules and I like tasks. Honestly when looking for a Dom I need that dynamic- I need someone who likes to set rules and enforce them. So that is something that needs to be discussed. I know your all thinking- "why not just ask him then?" Well I would but lately he seems very busy and I'm a very shy person so I don't want to seem overbearing and ask questions when he has so many other things going on. That's just me- I don't want to take up peoples time if I don't have to. So I'm waiting patiently to see how it goes at this point. But yes- I am very impressed with him- it takes a lot for me to put that out there because even though I may seem like the type that speaks my mind all the time- when it comes to putting myself out there as a possible sub for someone I get shy and kind of flip out inside a little. I'm just being honest lol- maybe because I have never been owned so I have no idea what to really expect. Plus for me to even talk to a total stranger on the street is hard enough! So of course I'm going to have a hard time talking to someone I might possibly have to trust with my well being.
I will say this much- I think I get along with this individual better than I have with any other. I think we view D/s a lot in the same way which is great. So at this point so far so good. So hopefully we can keep chatting and getting to know each other better because I think we could really have a lot of fun together. More to come hopefully...
Friday, August 13, 2010
Life
"Life is 10% what happens to you and 90% what you do with what happens to you."
Lou Holtz(American Football Coach)
I couldn't have said it better myself Lou. I've been trying to come up with a post the past few days but nothing seems to be right. Sorry guys, I can't post about BDSM right now or my past or some play session I've had lately. Well for one- I haven't had any play sessions! Two- my mind has been occupied with other things recently. Life in general has been bringing me down! It's tough to stay positive 100% of the time- I try my best. Of course every now and then things get in the way and drag me back to my not so happy life a few years ago. Unfortunately there are still times I am reminded about my last relationship with my ex husband- lets just say we are not on speaking terms and I'm sure we never will be. My life has been a total blur these past two years. I had to deal with something the other day that reminded me of him. I can't help it- everytime he enters my thoughts I get so angry I want to punch him! Well- that might get me in trouble and he's in a totally different state so that's not an option.
I'm not going to share all the horrible details of our life together- I think that is too personal. Even though I want to scream at the top of my lungs and tell the whole world what a horrible, mean person he is. No- I wont stoop to his level and I wont share that much detail. I just get so tired of holding everything in- I have not told anyone all the details of what happened between us. Not even my best friend of 20 years! But this is not the place to share those things. I know you all read to hear of my experiences in BDSM- but I just can't write about that right now unfortunately and it's killing me! I don't want things to bother me- I just want to live my life. But I can't help but be reminded every once in a while. Like Lou Holtz said- life is 10% what happens to you- the other 90% is up to me how I handle it and I don't like the way I'm handling it right now. So I'm going to take a few days to regroup and get my head on straight again. More to come....
Lou Holtz(American Football Coach)
I couldn't have said it better myself Lou. I've been trying to come up with a post the past few days but nothing seems to be right. Sorry guys, I can't post about BDSM right now or my past or some play session I've had lately. Well for one- I haven't had any play sessions! Two- my mind has been occupied with other things recently. Life in general has been bringing me down! It's tough to stay positive 100% of the time- I try my best. Of course every now and then things get in the way and drag me back to my not so happy life a few years ago. Unfortunately there are still times I am reminded about my last relationship with my ex husband- lets just say we are not on speaking terms and I'm sure we never will be. My life has been a total blur these past two years. I had to deal with something the other day that reminded me of him. I can't help it- everytime he enters my thoughts I get so angry I want to punch him! Well- that might get me in trouble and he's in a totally different state so that's not an option.
I'm not going to share all the horrible details of our life together- I think that is too personal. Even though I want to scream at the top of my lungs and tell the whole world what a horrible, mean person he is. No- I wont stoop to his level and I wont share that much detail. I just get so tired of holding everything in- I have not told anyone all the details of what happened between us. Not even my best friend of 20 years! But this is not the place to share those things. I know you all read to hear of my experiences in BDSM- but I just can't write about that right now unfortunately and it's killing me! I don't want things to bother me- I just want to live my life. But I can't help but be reminded every once in a while. Like Lou Holtz said- life is 10% what happens to you- the other 90% is up to me how I handle it and I don't like the way I'm handling it right now. So I'm going to take a few days to regroup and get my head on straight again. More to come....
Wednesday, August 11, 2010
Piss Off! Oh- Excuse Me, Piss Off Please?
well I's says I aint no english major! Sorry- I had a conversation with someone last night and they made me feel like I write like that. Thanks for your opinion- but I really don't give a damn! Like I said before I'm not an english major- I'm not perfect. I know my blog is filled with mistakes but this is me and I'm not changing the way I write or the way I feel about my writing. This is MY blog- I can write however I want. If you don't like it or it bugs the crap out of you- go elsewhere! Don't read it then! I'm human and I know I may misspell some things or overlook something-deal! This is my place to vent, to tell about my experiences, to write whatever I want to- piss off! Of course I mean that in the nicest way possible :) I'm serious- I may come off as an opinionated bitch a lot- but seriously, most of the things I say on here I would never ever say to someone in person! This is my place to let it all out anonymously- plus this is a country where we have freedom of speech. Let me speak my mind alright? If I sounds like a idiot- I's sounds like a idiot and I's don't care one bit! Again- I mean everything in the nicest way possible- but I am sticking my tongue out at you like a little kid right now!
Also- ever heard of literary techniques? Well if not do some research! My blog applies to one of those techniques dude! It's called stream of consciousness- look it up! Basically you write things down as quickly as they come to mind- no thinking- just write. Also it is an interior monologue showing my feelings and actions. Once I found this literary technique I loved it- it is me! I tell it like it is and I don't think before I speak a lot of the time- plus I don't hide my feelings from anyone. So it makes sense for me to write this way! Plus- this is not a damn book or a test- it's a freakin blog! But don't worry- I still love you. I accept your soon to come apology hehe. Was that Domme enough? I try sometimes and it doesn't seem to work.
Also- ever heard of literary techniques? Well if not do some research! My blog applies to one of those techniques dude! It's called stream of consciousness- look it up! Basically you write things down as quickly as they come to mind- no thinking- just write. Also it is an interior monologue showing my feelings and actions. Once I found this literary technique I loved it- it is me! I tell it like it is and I don't think before I speak a lot of the time- plus I don't hide my feelings from anyone. So it makes sense for me to write this way! Plus- this is not a damn book or a test- it's a freakin blog! But don't worry- I still love you. I accept your soon to come apology hehe. Was that Domme enough? I try sometimes and it doesn't seem to work.
Tuesday, August 10, 2010
I Want Candy
Yes- I want candy! When I say candy- I mean a man! Geez- a girl with a crazy sex drive never gets a break. People say to me- "well, your a woman. How hard can it be to get sex? Just go down to your local bar and I'm sure there would be guys begging you to have sex." Ok- um, no! For one- I don't want some drunk dude pawing at me that is so wasted he can't see straight. Second- yeah, I don't go searching for random strangers to have sex with. Third- I don't want a plain Hershey bar! I want kinky candy! Give me some variety! If I'm going to eat chocolate I want it to at least have nuts or crispies or even a truffle, some kind of substance! Plus- I'm not a Hershey girl. Godiva- yes! Hershey- no way! If I'm going to go out looking for sex- it's going to be with someone I know can deliver and deliver well- you know what I'm saying? wink, wink, nudge, nudge.
I don't want vanilla sex- no I want wild crazy sex people! Come on! I had boring vanilla sex for the past 7 years- thinking of all the laundry I could be getting done instead of laying on my back. Or all the dishes that needed to be done, or that I could be catching up on my sleep! Does that sound fun? No! I tried to spice it up one time, with my ex husband- not even anything big! I said I liked my hair pulled- what response did I get? A look of horror- and a little tug that even a baby wouldn't cry about. Come on- it's not like I asked you to fuck me in the ass! Hair pulling? Really? That freaks you out? If you only knew the things that went through my head on a daily basis. He was into dominant women- so not me! But I felt like doing it once just to show him how I wanted to be handled. Yeah- I would have turned into Mistress Trinity! No- no more vanilla sex! I could not handle that right now- it would be like a tease. I've spent years holding back all this- I want to let it out! Yeah- crazy redhead, I can't help it.
I had a little task to complete last night for someone- wow! Well last night it helped things- I was in heaven. But today- my God! Talk about frustration! I swear I'm like a druggy. Once I start with anything sexual- instead of making it better- it makes the frustration worse! I want it more instead of less! It's like I can never get enough once I start! Yeah- it will take a person with one crazy sex drive to fufill my needs right now. What am I talking about? ALL the time! I have an out of control sex drive- I admit it. My girlfriends look at me like I'm insane and tell me I think too much like a guy. What?! A woman can't be horny all the time? What's wrong with that? Nothing I say. It can either be a curse or the greatest thing about me. Right now- since I can't do anything about it, it's a curse! But if I find someone with a sex drive as strong as mine- oh yeah! The best thing ever! OK- enough ranting about my out of control need for sex!
I don't want vanilla sex- no I want wild crazy sex people! Come on! I had boring vanilla sex for the past 7 years- thinking of all the laundry I could be getting done instead of laying on my back. Or all the dishes that needed to be done, or that I could be catching up on my sleep! Does that sound fun? No! I tried to spice it up one time, with my ex husband- not even anything big! I said I liked my hair pulled- what response did I get? A look of horror- and a little tug that even a baby wouldn't cry about. Come on- it's not like I asked you to fuck me in the ass! Hair pulling? Really? That freaks you out? If you only knew the things that went through my head on a daily basis. He was into dominant women- so not me! But I felt like doing it once just to show him how I wanted to be handled. Yeah- I would have turned into Mistress Trinity! No- no more vanilla sex! I could not handle that right now- it would be like a tease. I've spent years holding back all this- I want to let it out! Yeah- crazy redhead, I can't help it.
I had a little task to complete last night for someone- wow! Well last night it helped things- I was in heaven. But today- my God! Talk about frustration! I swear I'm like a druggy. Once I start with anything sexual- instead of making it better- it makes the frustration worse! I want it more instead of less! It's like I can never get enough once I start! Yeah- it will take a person with one crazy sex drive to fufill my needs right now. What am I talking about? ALL the time! I have an out of control sex drive- I admit it. My girlfriends look at me like I'm insane and tell me I think too much like a guy. What?! A woman can't be horny all the time? What's wrong with that? Nothing I say. It can either be a curse or the greatest thing about me. Right now- since I can't do anything about it, it's a curse! But if I find someone with a sex drive as strong as mine- oh yeah! The best thing ever! OK- enough ranting about my out of control need for sex!
Monday, August 9, 2010
I Want A Dom!!!
Don't you wish sometimes you could throw a temper tantrum like a child? I sure do! I see my daughter act like it's the end of the world if I tell her no she can't have a cookie. She immediately throws herself to the floor and starts flailing around like a fish out of water. I want to get away with that! Might get out some of my frustration- but instead of screaming "I want a cookie!" I'd scream "I want a Dom- now!!" LOL- not to say I'm going to just settle and take the first person that offers! I've found out I am quite picky when it comes to what I'm looking for. But geez- I feel like a kid in school without a cool lunch box! It seems every person I've chatted with in the past has found a sub and I'm sitting here all by my lonesome- just twiddling my thumbs, trying to wait patiently. But inside I want to scream and flail about on the floor. I know I really need to work on my patience- I have none! I know- very subtle Mariposa. I can't help it- I always speak my mind no matter how revealing it might be.
It makes me stop and think- is this not for me? Is there something completely wrong with me? Would I not make a good sub- is that why I've had no luck so far? Then I think- no I wasn't chatting with real Dom's before- I was chatting with immature little boys looking for an easy target and they found it! But believe me- I have learned! Now I'm not the most confident person- so me saying this about myself takes a lot! I don't want people to think I'm full of myself or anything- but if you know me well enough- you know I am the farthest thing from confident. But I have to say- I would make one kick ass sub for someone! I know for a fact just due to my personality. I live to please! Even in all my past relationships I gave everything I had to my partner- they came first. Their happiness, comfort, needs- everything!
So yeah- I know I would make a wonderful sub. So why is it I don't have people asking me left and right?! Well, I know I'm not the most normal person- yeah I'm goofy, I'm out there- but take a look in the mirror people! We're all freaks here! BDSM- yeah we're all a little out there. Admit it! :) Or is it my looks? Got me! I know I'm no supermodel but I look at some of these people that have Dom's and think (sorry- some may think this is very shallow) "They have a Dom?! Yet I can't find one?" Who knows- I will say this much though- yes I will make first contact with someone. But after that, you want me- don't be subtle! Aren't you a Dom for Christ's sake? You want it- come take it- stake a claim! Bring it! Show me whose in charge! I understand it takes time to get to know an individual and trust them- but if your interested- at least tell me you are! I'm not a mind reader- or else I just don't understand anything at all- like I said I'm a ditz! Spell it out! Tell me all the dirty kinky things you want to do to me. I hold back until I know what is on someones mind for a couple reasons 1. I'm supposed to be "submissive" and not be in control! 2. I don't honestly know what's going through a persons head- you have to lay it all out for me to understand.
I'm so frustrated at this point with all this pent up sexual frustration and need for punishment. I feel sorry for the person who has to deal with me! :) You'll have a wild woman on your hands! Hope you can handle it. So yeah- I want to throw a tantrum and scream "I want a Dom! I want a punishment now! I need a punishment! Tie me up! Spank me! Pull my hair! Show me who's in charge- put me in my place! Fuck me!" Yes- I'm a bit flustered at this point if you couldn't tell hehe. Oh- did I tell you- I want a Dom!
It makes me stop and think- is this not for me? Is there something completely wrong with me? Would I not make a good sub- is that why I've had no luck so far? Then I think- no I wasn't chatting with real Dom's before- I was chatting with immature little boys looking for an easy target and they found it! But believe me- I have learned! Now I'm not the most confident person- so me saying this about myself takes a lot! I don't want people to think I'm full of myself or anything- but if you know me well enough- you know I am the farthest thing from confident. But I have to say- I would make one kick ass sub for someone! I know for a fact just due to my personality. I live to please! Even in all my past relationships I gave everything I had to my partner- they came first. Their happiness, comfort, needs- everything!
So yeah- I know I would make a wonderful sub. So why is it I don't have people asking me left and right?! Well, I know I'm not the most normal person- yeah I'm goofy, I'm out there- but take a look in the mirror people! We're all freaks here! BDSM- yeah we're all a little out there. Admit it! :) Or is it my looks? Got me! I know I'm no supermodel but I look at some of these people that have Dom's and think (sorry- some may think this is very shallow) "They have a Dom?! Yet I can't find one?" Who knows- I will say this much though- yes I will make first contact with someone. But after that, you want me- don't be subtle! Aren't you a Dom for Christ's sake? You want it- come take it- stake a claim! Bring it! Show me whose in charge! I understand it takes time to get to know an individual and trust them- but if your interested- at least tell me you are! I'm not a mind reader- or else I just don't understand anything at all- like I said I'm a ditz! Spell it out! Tell me all the dirty kinky things you want to do to me. I hold back until I know what is on someones mind for a couple reasons 1. I'm supposed to be "submissive" and not be in control! 2. I don't honestly know what's going through a persons head- you have to lay it all out for me to understand.
I'm so frustrated at this point with all this pent up sexual frustration and need for punishment. I feel sorry for the person who has to deal with me! :) You'll have a wild woman on your hands! Hope you can handle it. So yeah- I want to throw a tantrum and scream "I want a Dom! I want a punishment now! I need a punishment! Tie me up! Spank me! Pull my hair! Show me who's in charge- put me in my place! Fuck me!" Yes- I'm a bit flustered at this point if you couldn't tell hehe. Oh- did I tell you- I want a Dom!
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