Sorry You're Mistaken- That's Not Me

So am I going to jump into the dark abyss and become a hermit again or am I going to actually live and experience life? Hell yeah I'm going to live!!!! I am having way too much fun to stop. I am on a road to finding myself again and I have never been more happy- ever. I realized what got to me yesterday- well it's a combination of things going on in my life right now. I am dealing with a lot of changes and big decisions in my life right now and I'm not one that does well under stress. I totally let it get to me. I know that and I'm trying to work on it. I always think it is good to learn your weaknesses and work on them so you can grow as an individual. That is what I strive to do everyday- be the happiest and healthiest I can be. Because you only live once and I want to stop letting things drag me down and actually live. I deserve it!!! What got to me yesterday? Well I am dealing with some stress in my personal life when it comes to family at the moment so anything could have pushed me back into my old habits of wanting to run and not face things. It's the straw that broke the camels back- and I never know what will trigger certain feelings. Also I didn't know I had been dealing with certain things in my life the way I have been dealing with them until I sat down and thougth about it.


I realized I have two parts to my life now. I have my kinky side and my friends that are into BDSM and then I have my "vanilla" friends and family life and work. I have subconsciously been keeping them totally separate. It's like I'm Superman- I am both kinky and I have my normal everyday life- my everyday clothes and my leotard and tights underneath- oh and the glasses of course, can't forget those- that's totally what throws people off! They will never recognize me as kinky Mariposa if I remember to take the glasses off. My outer layer is my normal life and underneath, hidden where no one can see is my kinky side. I hide my kinky side and when I want it to come out- I take off my normal everyday life layer. So yesterday R met my daughter for the first time. Uh oh! The two sides collide! My kinky side has just entered into my everyday life. Now part of my "kinky world" has met my domestic side. Yes we went to a kid friendly place and yes there was no discussion of anything kinky- well there was some, she's only 2 and a half she doesn't understand everything yet. But yet it was still odd because here I am as a Mother hanging out with a friend that is kinky like me and I have really only seen him in an adult setting- holding my child and pushing a stroller and making up ridiculous songs to sing and annoy the shit out of me!!!! I'n thinking "wait, wait- hold up here! You are not supposed to have a soft side Dude. You are a Dom and have always been a Dom in my presence- so you don't get to be all kid friendly with my friend. I mean for God's sake- you set rules for me and punish me by me taking pictures of my ass and chest and panties that you bought for me and have Domme's flog me! You don't blow bubbles with a 2 year old!"


I guess I have been living in two different worlds for my own peace of mind. I thought I had to hide my kinky side and am still ashamed of it a lot due to my family being so close minded. But I realized I shouldn't have to hide it because both sides are me. There is no reason why I have to keep living in two different worlds because this is me- take it or leave it. That doesn't mean I'm going to go tell my family- "hey, I like to get spanked and all those bruises you see on me- yeah bite marks." No way in hell am I going to tell them! I just mean that if I am going to keep meeting new people in the lifestyle as I am and I hope I do because I am enjoying it so much- that I shouldn't feel ashamed for being a single Mom and still kinky. Or that it is ok for my friends to see me in a normal everyday setting. Honestly it would be great to have friends that I feel comfortable with my family meeting since I am a huge family person. I am very close to my family so I am tired of feeling like I have to hide every single reason for going out. I make up ridiculous lies about where I am going and who I am hanging out with because I don't want them to get suspicuos of my recent outings hehe. But I don't want to do that anymore. This is me and I am accepting both sides of myself. I am just going to go with the flow and be open and live. That is all I can do and all I want to do at this point. I just want to experience life to the fullest. Oh- side note. Don't worry Kinky- my next post will be about our last meeting :) I just had to finish this one up.

Not Again!

I was planning on writing about a million other things but I just can't get past the thoughts in my head right now. One thing I was going to post was my last little meeting with Kinky- sorry Kinky- I can't. I have too much on my mind right now and it is eating away at me. I realized something that I have been doing for a while and I don't know how to stop! I want to but I am so scared and confused right now that I don't know what to do. I feel myself slipping away little by little again back into the black hole where I was for 10 years of my life. Void of all feelings, avoiding feelings and people in general because I thought I was worthless and didn't want anyone close to me that could possibly hurt me. I don't ever want to feel that way again but I find myself teetering on the edge- I could go either way. I'm fighting the force that is sucking me back into the hole but I don't know how long I can keep up the fight.


Before I explain what it is that I found I have been doing let me explain a little more about what I have been through in the past 10 years. I really don't like to go into great detail about it because I don't want to be one of those people that just vents about their problems- I'd rather keep them to myself. I'm not looking for anyone to say- "oh, poor you. Look what you've been through." I'm actually embarrassed that I let it get to the level that it did! That is the reason I don't talk about it! As I said before- I was in two mentally abusive relationships in the past 10 years. Yes I know- what are the odds of that? Well apparently I am drawn to those types of individuals- or they are drawn to me. I guess I just tend to like more controlling men and I happened to find two that were controlling in an unhealthy way. In short- these past 10 years- I have lost every single friend I had except one. I was distanced from my family- I had no life. My life involved my boyfriend or husband and that was it. I never went out, I was basically a hermit. I lost every person I cared about. My boyfriend turned every friend against me and made them think I was crazy and needed professional help and that I was a huge liar. I had known these friends for years before he even came into the picture- yet when he spoke to them- they believed him. Every form of support I had in my life abandoned me- turned their backs on me, just like that. I had grown to trust these people and they just walked away. Even my family turned their backs on me. I had no one! Every person I cared for in my life vanished. I guess it hurt more because these were people I trusted- it would have been different if they were just strangers. Who cares? They don't know me- but these were the most important people in my life that just gave up on me. So I find now that if I start to trust someone at all- I go into panic mode and try and push them away before I can get any closer to them.


I want so badly to trust others and have friends and go out and live life but I'm so scared of everyone leaving me. I can honestly say I do trust R and Kinky- I know I do. But that is why I am scared as hell! Doesn't matter if it is just friendship or if it is more- I freak out. I finally realized what triggered my panic this time. The night I spent with Kinky at BaGG we really bonded I think and I enjoyed it but knowing that he knows more about me now and that I trust him- I am in fight or flight mode right now. I just want to run- I want to run away and just forget everything and hide in my house and ignore life in general. But on the other hand I don't- I want to live! I want to trust people! When I start to trust someone I've noticed that I panic so I start to do crazy things to push the person away. I don't want to tell them to just leave me alone- so I do odd shit to push them away and give them an excuse to not talk to me anymore. I can act distant or in some cases I have acted like the most clingy person ever if I know that freaks them out so then they end up just disappearing- which is what I wanted to happen. I just drove around for 2 hours hyperventilating because I wanted to run but I have nowhere to run to! I have responsibilities- neverending responsibilities. Plus I've been dealing with some other personal things in my life at the moment with my family that are really getting to me so I just want to hide. I want to escape- I want to be alone. But at the same time I want people near me, I want them to tell me it will be ok and that they are here for me- yet it scares me half to death! I can't even hug my freakin Mom anymore! My own family! I've been on my own and distant from everyone for so long that I don't know how to handle attention. If someone is nice- I wonder what their angle is instead of just assuming they are a nice person- I think they are trying to gain my trust just to push me down again.


I think I'm not worth anyones time and I always question why someone would want to take time out of their day to talk to me or visit me. A few days ago I was so happy because I was finally having fun in my life again- after so long! I was having the time of my life! But then I start to panic and I let it get to me and I freak. I settle back into my old habits and think I'm worthless. I want to continue having fun and exploring this new side of myself- yet I fight everyday now to not run. I'm sure you all are wondering- well if you can't handle trusting someone and want to control everything, why do you want to put yourself in a situation where another is in control? Why? It is a release- it's actually empowering. I want to please and I want to trust. I enjoy it so much and find I am giddy after a play session. I am on top of the world! But then my lack of self confidence kicks in and I worry, wait for everyone to just abandon me again. I wait for life to prove to me again that I am not worth peoples time.


Right now I am standing at the edge of the black hole- deciding whether I want to jump in and run and disappear so no one can hurt me or if I am going to stay where I am, healthy and happy and just go with the flow and be open and willing to trust.

Another Year Gone... A Thousand Lessons Learned

I was on vacation this past week so I had a lot of free time to think. I started thinking about where I was this time in my life a year ago. I was exhausted physically and emotionally from my divorce. Barely able to get out of bed in the morning because I was so tired of having the weight of the world on my shoulders. Every responsibility to take care of my daughter and provide for a household was all on me. No one to turn to, no one to talk to- all alone. I just wanted it all to end. I wanted to go to sleep and never wake up. The only thing that got me through the day and my only reason for functioning was my daughter. I had to get up in the morning and go to work to provide for my family- no one else was going to do it. No one else was going to get up with a sick child all night and go to work after only 2 hours of sleep. I did everything in my power to take care of my child and then the moment that I put her to bed every night- the world ended. I didn't live- I simply survived. I would spend hours binging and purging and then lie awake all night, crying. Then get up for work in the morning after another sleepless night, dragging my feet.


I spoke a little before about my eating disorder. I don't think I'll ever open up completely to anyone and tell them the extent of it. But a few now have asked if I still struggle with it. Honestly, I don't think it is something you get over or ever goes away. I have always had a love hate relationship with food and I think I always will. Each time I sit down for a meal it is a struggle. Every calorie I consume each day I still feel guilty about- no matter how much I had to eat that day. Whether I had huge meals or just one snack all day- I feel guilty. I still enjoy that empty feeling in my stomach when I haven't eaten. I know most can't understand that- hell I don't even understand it! But I am happy to report I have not made myself sick for over 6 months now. As for calorie restriction- I still struggle with that and always have ever since I can remember. As I said before- the only reason I share this is because I hope maybe I can help someone that may be in a similar situation by sharing my story.


Six months ago- out of the blue- something in me changed. I have no idea what it was that changed my mindset- but I woke up one morning and begin to take back control of my life. I have learned so many things about myself these past few months its unbelievable. It is hard to believe it has been such a short period of time. I am 27 and I realized I have missed out on my 20s. Your 20s are usually the time to discover yourself, learn who you are- live life! I missed out on all that. I went from a 4 year long mentally abusive relationship (16-20) to another long term relationship that was similar in many ways. My Ex- Husband was also mentally abusive, just not in the same way as my prior boyfriend. He was more subtle about it. Instead of saying things outright like my first serious boyfriend, things like "you're fat and ugly and no one would ever want you!" he would plant seeds of doubt and sit back and watch them grow. I met him when I was 20, got married when I was 23, had a child at 24 and got divorced at 25. Now I'm a single Mom at 27 and trying to believe that I am worth someones time. I still struggle with that. I think I am a waste of everyones time and that I don't deserve their attention. I'm trying to get more comfortable and feel ok, secure being submissive. For so many years I've had to be strong and try and hold it all together when in fact I wanted nothing more than the total opposite! I'm realizing it is ok and freeing and WONDERFUL to give control to another. I can finally say I am ME again and I'm loving every minute of it. I'm not weak in any way for willingly giving another control- in fact it is empowering. It is that release that I have been craving for so long.


I had said I wanted to be that girl that I was 10 years ago- but I realized that's ridiculous. I am a woman now who knows what she wants and knows how to get it. That girl from 10 years ago doesn't know anything! I feel like I have to make up for those 7 years I wasted- taking care of a full grown baby! I didn't marry a man- I married a 5 year old in a 27 year olds body that I had to do everything for! I've missed out on my 20s and I have to say it does upset me, but I am a stronger person because of it.


I wanted to take a moment to thank the people that have helped me learn more about myself these past 6 months. I will acknowledge the good and the bad because it is both the good and the bad that make us who we are- they blend together to form a beautiful story. Just as one Dom told me before that I talked to- you can take the good in your life (the rich, healthy soil) and the bad, ugly in your life (compost, garbage) and mix it together and it will sprout into a beautiful flower. All your experiences in life shape you into the beautiful soul you are.


So first- thank you Thunderbolt for reminding me that I don't need to get involved with another player and immature little boy. You showed me that I am better than the whores you usually meet and I will not be treated as such. Thank you Blow Pop for always being a gentleman and helping me understand there are actually good, honest people in the lifestyle. Also to not just settle for anyone who claims to be kinky and yet you have nothing else in common. Thank you Atomic Fireball for reminding me that I like conversation just as much as I like sex. Oh- and thank you for reminding me of every disgusting flaw I despise in men- always good to have a reminder every once in a while. Thank you "Sir" for showing me that sometimes I do need to stand up for myself and speak my mind and realize things on my own.


Alright R! Here we go! Sappy time- go ahead, go puke now and get it over with. OK, you ready? Thank you for restoring my faith in men in general and helping me remember the importance of friends. Life definately gets lonely without friends. Also thank you for bringing laughter and joking back into my life. I'm finally back to my sarcastic, goofy self. I'm sure you're glad that I am as sarcastic as you! Thank you Kinky. Thank you for being sweet, kind and understanding and open and honest! Thank you for going on this journey with me of kink :) I enjoy every experience more and more. Also, thank you for showing me that I am still desirable. Last- thank you for all that take the time to read my blog. It makes me so happy that there are people out there that actually find my story interesting and enjoy my writing. I started this as a place to just let out my frustrations, kind of a diary that anyone could view. I figured no one would read it at all, it would just be for me. But it has turned into so much more. It is an outlet for me to get everything out in the open- I am one that has to express myself somehow. I can't just keep things bottled up inside and this allows me to clear my mind and get things out.


People may think I am too passionate about life in general- but I can't help it. I went from wanting to die to taking joy in every moment of every day. I feel like I have a second chance at life. I went from having no feelings, no drive for life at all, just complete emptiness to being overjoyed that I was still alive and sane. I appreciate EVERYTHING so much more. It's like after 10 years of being in a walking coma- I'm alive again. I'm thankful every morning that I wake up and that I still have a job to go to. That I have a roof over my head and food to eat and a family to take care of. My coffee tastes sweeter, my food is more satisfying. Every touch and every kiss I feel more and cherish every moment. I am so happy that someone would actually take the time out of their day to spend time with me. Everything is brighter and more intense. I live in the moment now instead of thinking days, weeks, months, years ahead. I don't worry about what might happen- I just pay attention to what is actually happening to me. I spent 10 years with people telling me I was worthless and I finally woke up and realized I am worth something and I am cherishing every moment I have on this planet. So thank you all! You make my life richer.

The Color Purple

Holy Testicle Tuesday!!! Boy oh boy do I have a story to share :) As I said before- big plans Wednesday night- my first trip to Bondage A Go Go! Kinky Candy invited me to go. I admit I am nervous when I am in big crowds and in a new place with lots of people I'm not familiar with that are kinky sons of bitches! I'm a very shy person- I'm a wallflower, what can I say? But I was excited to go! So in a fiesty mood one day I e-mailed Kinky and basically said "use me like the little slut that I am. Do with me as you see fit." Then the next day I get a text from Kinky- "I want you to be ready to be used by me and my friends at BaGG and fucking love it Slut!" I text back "hehe, ok". After a few minutes it hits me- bam! Wait just a damn minute! Used?! By your friends?! What the hell do you have planned? That- that could mean lots of things! You know my active imagination! R didn't help things either- "I'm just worried he's going to take you somewhere for a gang bang." Thanks for keeping me calm R! Great job! Dammit- just one more worry. Me and my big mouth. Always getting myself in trouble.


As Wednesday approached I got more and more nervous. What the hell does he have planned? Yes I know it's never as extreme as the crazy ideas my mind comes up with and I know he would never do anything I didn't want to. Yet everytime- I can't help it! My brain goes into overdrive and thinks "uh oh! What if it is a gang bang he has planned? Shit!" So Wednesday comes arond and I am shaking from my nerves all day. I get dressed- not happy with my dress even after going to at least 20 stores! But my boots- God! Love my boots! I've never done this before, but for some reason I feel the need to take 20 minutes and sit there in silence- get in the zone if I'm going to make it through this night still standing. I figure- I'll meditate, clear my head. I have a feeling I need a clear head for the events ahead of me. So I sit down on the floor- ok, time to get in sub mode! I'm definately going to have to be in sub mode tonight full force! I think "you are here to please him. Your only job tonight is to make him happy and act like the perfect little sub that you are." Then instead of clearing my head I find myself looking at my boots- Damn! I don't care- I know my legs look hot in these things. I can't help wondering what Kinky's reaction will be to the boots. I know he loves boots as much as I do. I happen to catch a glimpse of the top of my dress out of the corner of my eye. Yum! I may not have the worlds biggest chest but in this dress- with the cut outs in the fabric- you get glimpses of cleavage. I guess this dress was a good choice after all! Totally my style- It's not over the top. I don't just show as much skin as I can like "look at me!" I like more subtle. From far away it looks like a normal cute little black dress- you get closer and from the right angles you get quite a view. Plus the fabric is thin so it is almost see through. Subtle yet a bit revealing at times. A tease- leaves you wanting to see more. That's my style. I don't just advertise the goods to whoever is in the room to see- I don't hang out in my panties and bra! You have to work for it and I have to be willing to show you.


After my little meditation- or self ogling session- I go back to the living room to wait for Kinky. I'm feeling pretty confident with my boots and dress. Knock, knock! Woo hoo! I open the door and the minute I see him I lose all confidence- I almost run into the other room. I think- "maybe I don't look good after all." But I must say Kinky looks hot as hell in his uniform. God, I LOVE uniforms. I'm almost torn- I know he has leather pants and I was expecting to see him in leather but when I see that uniform- yum. "Please officer, is there anything I can do to persuade you to not bring me in for questioning? Anything at all?" Oops- sorry, went into cheesy porno fantasy mode there for a minute. Now due to my drop in confidence when he walks in- my plans to jump on him the minute he walks through the door shatter. I'm too busy thinking "Do I look alright? Am I dressed appropriatetly? Do I just look like an all out fool and not sexy in the least?" So I just stand there in the kitchen leaning against the counter unable to make eye contact. He grabs me and hugs me- well that's a good sign. Bites me on the neck- Mmmm! Already leaving marks and the night hasn't even begun- yeah, turtleneck needed tomorrow. He turns me around and shoves me into the wall and pins me down with his arm on my neck, upper back. He may be on the smaller side but he is strong! God- I love it! That feeling of knowing he has the strength to put me in my place. He tries to lift up my dress, I fight him as I am already in self conscious mode. I'm thinking "no! My ass is horrid- you don't want to see it!" He shoves me harder against the wall and lifts up my dress and spanks me. "Don't fight me!" He spanks me harder. He grabs my hair and pulls my head back. I don't know why but it seems I can't help it- immediately everytime he goes from talking about normal everyday stuff to Dom mode- I can't help but smile at first. Like "yeah- let's get this party started!" So when he pulls my hair that first time and whispers in my ear I get this huge grin on my face. "Did you forget what I told you yesterday? Or did you think I forgot? Why didn't you suck my cock right when I walked in the door?" I say "no, I didn't forget." He lets go of my hair. "Well get to work then." I kneel down in front of him. God I love to suck his cock. After a few minutes he pulls my head back and says "Now stand up and take off your panties."


I stand up and take off my panties. He stuffs my panties in his shirt pocket. I'm thinking "Don't tell me I'm going to have to go all night without panties! Dammit!" He turns me around so I'm facing the wall and fucks me. He only does for a few minutes- just the perfect amount of time for me to be in the mindset of "I'll do whatever the fuck you want right now!" He hands me back my panties and says "now put your panties back on slut." I get myself back together. He says "I'm not going to spank you because I'm sure my friends are going to do a good job of that tonight." Oh lord- another public spanking! He said friends! Plural- how many we talking here?! Am I going to be able to sit tomorrow? We head to his truck. I ask him "ok, what do you mean used? That could mean a lot of things! Just a hint please?" "Well, they'll use your ass that's for sure. But no, no one is going to fuck you." Damn straight they're not! I may be open but yeah- we are not talking gang bang here! After a bit of driving he tells me to suck his cock- he has a thing for getting head while driving. But honestly- I don't ever mind sucking that cock- it's nice, very nice. So instead of just trying to make him cum quickly- which is usually my goal- I just try out different things, try to figure out what he likes best. Everyone's different. I think you have to experiment with each partner at first to see what drives them crazy. Plus- I just like oral. So I try licking, sucking hard and fast, slow and deep- Mmmm- ok he likes that. I scratch his thighs while I'm sucking on him- oh he really likes that! Yum. We pull into the parking lot and I am already a hot mess and we haven't even gone into BaGG! So we get out and start walking. I'm still self concious wondering if my boots are too much and if my dress is too plain.


Now- a very nice gentleman was going to be at BaGG also that I had exchanged a few messages with but wasn't really looking to see if we connected on any level other than friendship. At first when I chatted with him I did but I was there with Kinky and I just wanted to enjoy my time with him that evening. I didn't want to try and connect with another at that point. That wasn't my goal that evening. I was kind of nervous to see him there because I didn't know how he would take seeing me walk in with Kinky. I don't know if he is poly or not- not sure what his thoughts are on all that. I had told him I would be there with a friend but not a "friend". Kinky said "Don't worry. My friends and I will protect you from him." I'm thinking- oh great! This is not going to turn out well! He's going to go off somewhere and leave me to the wolves! But the minute we get in the door he grabs my hand and leads me letting everyone know I'm there with him. I have to say it was totally unexpected but I ate it up! Oh oh! He is here! Maybe he wont recognize me, maybe I look different from my pics. He looks at me "you're beautiful in person." Blushing- I hate compliments. Then he comes over and stands right next to me. "Nice to finally meet you." I'm completely at a loss for words. Don't you see me holding Kinky's hand? "Nice to finally meet you as well." I am torn- I feel bad because he was wanting to meet for a while and I'm always nice to everyone, but I don't want to lead him on because at the moment- I'm getting close to Kinky and I'm not one who wants to meet several people at once and try to establish connections with numerous people. I take my time and I concentrate on one connection at a time. I really want to take the time to get to know Kinky more and I am working on trust with him. Plus- it takes a lot for me to actually open up to someone in order to trust them. I admit- it is very hard to gain my trust so I tend to shy away from people- I only trust a few individuals completely and it takes time to get to that level of trust. "You were my main motivation for coming out tonight." Aww, shucks! Who wouldn't smile at that comment? Awkward silence. "You really are shy in person." You have no idea! The way he's looking at me though I admit I feel a little special. He's looking at me like I'm this gorgeous creature. It's nice to get that kind of attention. Then Kinky grabs my hand "Let's go outside." "Your not going to take her away from me already are you?" "Yep!" Ok- so I like that two individuals are giving me so much attention- hehe.


We stand outside for a bit, well quite a while! I like that I can talk to Kinky wihtout being self conscious- that takes a lot for me. I am normally on edge the whole time I am talking to someone. We chat with a few others. Kinky starts talking about his uniform- Mmmm. Love uniforms- the only reason I mention this is because he starts showing me how they had to stand in the acedemy. He turns around so his back is to me- his hands are behind his back and I have never had this feeling before in my life but looking at his ass in those pants I honestly don't know what I want to do! I have a few thoughts running in my head. I want to spank him or maybe grab his ass! I just want to rub my hands all over his body! But I don't only because we are outside in public with others around and um, yeah- I wouldn't want to stop. I'm in boot and corset heaven! I want every pair of boots that I see others wearing and I want a damn corset! Yum. Some young jock looking dudes are walking down the street and one of them says loudly "vampires!" hehe- what just because we are in black and like kinky sex we are vampires? You want a vampire? Come here and I'll bite your neck- I know you'll end up liking it! You wish you could have the kind of pleasure we all have in our lives. After a bit the lower level of the club opens and we go inside. I love the fucking city! I am so happy to just be around others that are as crazy as me. I feel a connection with each individual just by being at this club and enjoying the same things they do. I wish I could feel that comfortable everyday. I can honestly say when I am at any event that involves BDSM- I am at peace. That is the only way to describe it- I am happy, comfortable, I feel at home. I feel like I've been lost for years and finally found where I belong.


The gentleman that was talking to me earlier found us again and we start chatting. Kinky takes my arms and wraps them around him so I'm hugging him from behind. Then the battle of testosterone begins! I'm sorry but I felt like the most gorgeous woman at that moment. Here I am- I have two men not really talking to me but to each other and trying to top one another on their kinks. Trying to impress ME and show who is the real man! What could be hotter?! The gentleman says he likes to spank and he likes paddles and things like that. Then Kinky had to talk about how he has spanked my ass quite a bit. Then the gentleman comes back with something and it goes on and on. I'm just sitting there listening to it all and loving every minute of it. Both of these guys- want me! Yahoo! Just a litle boost of confidence. We go back upstairs and watch some of the play going on. Hehe- I'm standing between two guys that apparently have slipped and fell and bumped their head leaving them with a massive brain injury so they now think I'm some hot chick so they are both trying to impress me, while watching my favorite- flogging. Mmmm- I want to be in there! Why do I love a flogger so much? I don't know why but I do! We head back outside to get some air again. We start talking to some of Kinky's friends. He tells them he would like them to spank me! Oh great! Here we go! He is speaking to an older individual- then he start talking to me. "So have you been spanked in public before?" "Yes" "With a hand?" "Yes" "How about a paddle?" "Yes" Then he lists a bunch of things I really don't hear cause I'm sitting there thinking "Am I wrong for finding this coversation totally hot?!" Here we are discussing spanking! My spankings! Hehe- I can't wait!


After a while we go back inside to look for another of Kinky's friends. We find her and I get to meet her which I have to say I was excited about. I've heard a lot about her and I love to meet new people. She is a Domme but apparently loves Kinky's spankings. We chat a bit then out of nowhere it turns into a wrestling match between Kinky and his friend. Actually- kind of hot. Then he starts spanking her- ok totally loving it! I don't usually get to see Kinky when he is spanking me so I don't get to see how much he enjoys it- plus I love to see someone get spanked :) He then talks to her about my public spanking- how many people are going to spank my ass tonight?! Come on! We head back upstairs and hang out up there for a bit and then finally- thank God, cause my feet are about to fall off in these damn boots- we go sit down. We sit down near the dance floor downstairs. Mmmm- Go Go dancers. Yes, I'll admit if a girl is hot- this girl was pretty cute. But I'm not really paying attention to her right now- I'm not really paying attention to anything right now because I am sitting next to Kinky and just enjoying my time. We are both cuddly people so I think this was actually one of the times I liked best about the evening. We just sat there and kind of cuddled- of course there was some making out invloved and biting and rubbing- you know. But I enjoyed just talking and sitting close to him. It has been a long time since someone has shown me that much attention and I love it. I also have to say I found out just how much I enjoy biting as well. I bite him on the neck every once in a while but I don't usually do it very hard. He told me this time I could bite harder- so I did. I know it might sound odd but I love that feeling of flesh between my teeth. Plus I love his reaction to it. I could go on and on about this part of the night but I wont. I'll just say that I felt like we bonded a lot at that time and completely got lost in the moment and didn't care who the hell was around or who was looking or what we did- I just focused on our time.


We head back upstairs after a while and talk to another of his friends. We sit down and they are talking their man computer techy mumbo jumbo and I just sit there with a blank stare on my face. Hello- there are people getting spanked and pinched and flogged over there and you are just sitting here like it is a regular night club discussing technology? Dudes! I was done- this is kinky time people! I mock them "mwah, mwah, mwah, mwah." Kinky grabs my hair and pulls hard "Don't mock me." hehe- yeah I'm in a fiesty mood. His friend looks at us and says "so is she your sub?" I don't know what to say- I look at Kinky to see what he says. Well- I mean we're friends but yes I am the sub in the dynamic- but HIS sub? Not sure about that one. I wait for Kinky to answer "Yes, she is." I try not to act like a giddy school girl. Yes- we are friends and I know we connect but I'm not sure if he is looking to have a sub. Not sure if we are just friends, play partners- what it is- but I know we have a great time together and connect. Labeling it never crossed my mind- but the minute he says I'm his sub I have to say I actually liked hearing that. Just like I liked the whole night how he held my hand and led me through the club- I just felt like he totally wanted me there and was happy I was there with him and I just felt special. Kinky went outside to get his friends for my spanking after that! Oh God- here goes nothing!


So Kinky left me with his friend while he went outside. He was a very friendly guy and I admit cute. But this dude is younger than me- too much younger than me but I keep thinking- he's hot! At one point he asked me something and the way he looked at me and the way he said it I was like hyperventilating inside. I like sexy voices and words really get to me. But then I mentally slapped myself- Stop it! This dude is a baby compared to you! Ok- so not really. He gets up and leaves so then I am there sitting alone. I freak! OMG! What the hell? Now I'm sitting here all alone before I get spanked in public and I have no one to calm me down! Ok, deep breaths- you're going to live, it's just a spanking! Finally Kinky comes back with his friends. Oh boy- my legs are shaking. His friend- the one that was asking me all the questions earlier about bare hand spanking and paddles etc. is first. "OK- do you want to start with the skirt down and then pull it up or skirt down the whole time?" What?! I can't think! OMG! Ok- breathe. You are not going to be naked and people see this all the time around here- nothing new about a girl getting paddled. What the hell- lets go for it. "start with the skirt down and then pull it up." He asks me to lean over and hold onto this ledge on the wall. He starts to rub my ass- I'm freaking a little inside because here I am being spanked by a married man and his wife is right there watching the whole thing! Sorry- new concept to me! He spanks me firmly. OK- Kinky was right, he has a very nice hand. He spanks me a few more times, harder each time. Hotness! He asks me "Is that too firm or too soft?" "No it's just fine." He goes back to spanking- he lifts my skirt and spanks me hard! Then he pauses- I had my eyes close. I open my eyes and I can see his shadow and that he is now holding a paddle. Did I ever tell you I hate paddles? I've had it done maybe twice and none have been very big paddles. The one he is holding isn't huge but it is solid!


Whack! Ok, not as bad as I thought it would be. Whack! ok- so it's stings a bit. Whack! Whack! Whack! Fuck!!!!!!!!!! Whack, whack, whack, whack, whack! Sweet Mother of Abraham Lincoln!!!! Whack, whack! Baby Jesus!!!!! He calls his wife over. She's spanking me too?!!!! Yes- she spanks me! This is getting more and more odd! She taps the paddle a few time and then gives one hard smack! Oh- she's good too! She does it on the other side. Then another pause. I see another shadow and this one is a long thin instrument. I'm not sure what it is but it does not look like I will like it! Thwack! Holy Hell!!! Fuck! Fuck! Fuck! What is that thing?! Thwack! Jesus Christ and all that is holy!!!!! Another pause- OMG! Thank God he's done with that thing! NO! Not the paddle again!!!! Whack! Whack! Whack! Going to my happy place now. Whack! Whack! Am I going to be able to walk out of here? Whack! Whack! Dear God! You sure like paddles don't you?! "Are you doing ok?" I pause, I'm wondering- should I continue? Usually I would stop at this point but I know I'll want more the minute he stops. I'll push myself a little farther this time. "Yes I'm fine." Whack! Whack! Whack! Why did I agree to this?! Whack! Whack! Holy Mother of God!!!! Ok- just, just relax. He's probably almost done. "I don't work with safewords. All you have to do is tell me to stop and I will." Whack! Whack! "Now there is definately some blood vessels broken." I can tell he probably thinks I've had enough and I'm wondering that myself. But I tell him I'm ok. Whack! Whack! Ok- I'm done! He stops. WOW! I can barely move.


I stand there in total shock for a minute and I talk to Kinky's friend who just bruised my ass and his wife. Must say- very odd! I'm standing here talking to a married couple that just beat my ass! But they are both wonderful people and I'm so happy I was able to meet them. I'm glad Kinky's other friend was busy so she couldn't join in cause honestly my ass could not take anymore! After chatting a bit more we head home. The ride home is great. We talk about the experience and more deep conversation. I just like talking to Kinky as much as I like him spanking me hehe. Both are great. We get back to my house. I go to take my boots off because my feet are literally numb. "No, don't take those off yet." Aww, man! What else do you have planned? He tells me to stand up. I stand up and he sits down in the chair and tells me to suck his cock. Again- never gets old and I love every minute of it! After a while he pulls me up and has me straddle him on the chair. I don't normally like to be on top but hey- why not! Mmmm- great except for the fact that my boots keep slipping and I'm nearly doing the splits while trying to be decent on top! Yeah- not working. So we head to my bedroom. I'm not going to go into full detail because maybe this time I want to keep this part to myself :) I'll just say it was fucking hot! I love how he whispers in my ear- I can't remember much of what he said because I was in my own little blissful world but I love when someone whispers in my ear like that. I didn't give a damn how loud I was, who heard, what I sounded like- I just didn't want him to stop! Normally I'm not like that- I'm so self concious about what the other is thinking and what I sound like blah, blah. Not now- just don't stop whatever you're doing!


So yes- we had a very, very nice evening. I honestly enjoyed every second of the experience and I really hope there are more to come. A few days later R asked me what shade of purple my ass was! He pulled up a page of purple candies- I told him it was a cross between wild blueberry Jelly Belly and grape crush Jelly Belly. He said "perfect! We'll just call you Jelly Belly!" Dammit R! You and you traps! Just trying to come up with a nickname for me! Not concerned or wondering what color my ass is just for your gratification! No- you have to come up with yet another nickname! Hey- guess it's only fitting since I give all my guys candy names. I have my own now- Jelly Belly!

Parking Garages- Useful For More Than Parking

This weekend I went on a little shopping trip with Kinky Candy. I was on a mission to buy me some boots! Oh- I love boot season. I'm a girl that has a shoe fetish- but when it comes to strappy feminine sandals and boots, Mmmm- totally different level. It goes from fetish to an addiction! I would wear boots 24/7 if I could. Anyways- what was I talking about? Sorry I got sidetracked talking about boots. Mmmmmm- boots! Focus Mariposa, Focus! That's right- shopping with Kinky. Well we planned a litte trip to the mall to buy some boots and maybe lingerie or an outfit for wednesday- I'm sure I'll have a story to tell after that night :)


So first stop- boots! See I'm not like most people, I don't pick shoes to match an outfit I choose an outfit to match my shoes. Oh and my panties. I work backwords. We go into a shoe store- Ahhhhhh! Pearly gates open, angels singing- shoe heaven! I hear a choir in the backround- singing Hallelujah. Shhh! Don't disturb me- I'm in shoespace, it's a lot like subspace. I'll take one of everything you got! If it has a heel- bring the bitches out! I snap out of my little shoe fantasy- oh that's right, I have to act like a normal human being- I have company! Pick up your jaw off the floor Mariposa and wipe the drool from your mouth and play it cool, real cool. Inside I'm excited as can be. I want to run through the store tossing shoe after shoe to the salesman and say "I want to try them on! I don't give a damn what they look like. I just want to try me on some shoes!" I contain the 5 year old inside me screaming "Boots! Boots! Boots!"


I had a pictue in my mind of what type of boots I was looking for and none really stood out so we moved on to the next store and the next and the next! I tried not to take too much time in the stores because I know most men HATE shopping. So I went as quickly as I could. Finally decided on a few pair and figured- what the hell, lets try them on! They were definately not what I had pictured but they were cute. Then Kinky says "Good, I get to see you try on some boots." Oh! I totally forgot! Hello- he has a boot fetish just like me! I could have been trying on boots all day! I was just worried about him thinking "God! Can we go now?!" Awww- well I'll have to go on a trip just to try boots on now- I'll never complain about trying on shoes!


I try on a pair that are a little shorter than what I wanted- mid calf. I wanted knee high but none of them really fit the bill. The ones I tried on laced up and had a stiletto heel- hey if I'm gonna wear a heel- I'm gonna wear a heel! None of that thick chunky want to be heel. When I tried them on in the store I had on long pants so I didn't get the full effect. I thought- they're cute and kind of comfy- who could ask for more! So I buy them. It's not until I get home and try them on with a dress that I fall in love with these things. Damn! I'm gonna have a bootgasm myself from looking at these babies! Love em! I want to sleep in these puppies.


Well- I attained my lovely boots- time to find a dress! Hmm- where to go? I'm a girly girl but I have my limits! I can handle a few ruffles but usually I like things more simple- chic, sexy things. Think more feminine than girly girl. Feminine with an edge. I'm limited on where I can go to find dresses that fit me. I'm a little on the curvy side but not voluptuous but I'm not a stick figure either. It seems the world now thinks there are only two types of women in this world- big girls and anorexic models! I'm too small for the big girls sizes but too hippy for the 12 year old clothing! Hello! Whatever happened to average?! Where do I go to shop? I'm a woman- I have hips! But- just because I have hips doesn't mean my stomach is as big around or bigger than my hips! You remember the term hour glass figure? Apparently not! Well my ass is not gaining weight and I can't shrink bone- believe me I've tried! So where the fuck am I supposed to buy a simple dress? Ok- rant over hehe. I'm thinking- I want a dress that shows off my legs. That is the one thing I do like about my body- I love my long legs. Then I think- Forever 21! They have short, cute, not too trashy dresses- let's try there! I have never stepped foot in a Forever 21 store- it's just not my style. But I figure-eh, I can go for a little more girly.


We walk into Forever 21, right away I see nothing but teens. I'm like 7 years too old to be in this damn store. I take about 5 steps in and I start looking around at the racks of clothing. I see lace ruffles and big skirts and shiny fabrics and just pure hell wherever I look! OMG! Ruffles?!!! Sequins?!!! Shiny black pants to make my ass look ten times the size?!!!! I'm gonna puke! No! Too girly! I turn around "I can't do this!" Kinky just starts cracking up while I'm having a panic attack from the yards and yards of Ruffles! Ugh! I'm not 5! I don't do ruffles and I don't do shiny taffeta or whatever the hell that God awful fabric was. Blah! I'm done for he day- I'm now nauseous from frill overload.


We head back to Kinky's truck. He parked in a parking garage. As we leave I'm too busy chit chatting to notice- he is driving up instead of exiting the parking garage. Oh boy- here we go. I ask "what are you dooooing?" "How many levels are on here anyways?" Ok- fine just ingore my question- I see where this is going. Then he turns the car around like he is going to exit. Nope! He pulls into a parking spot. I think- "nah- there is no way he's going to do anything. It's daylight for crying out loud. I mean- yeah, it's completely empty up here but- it's daylight." He gets out of the car- walks around a bit- what is going on? Enjoying the weather? Gonna strangle me up here and trying to find a place to dump my body? I'm totally kidding on that one. I trust him. He just stands there staring down at the street. WTF are we doing?! Anytime I have no idea what he has planned I am on edge. My mind just goes crazy with ideas of what he has planned. The anticipation and surprise of everything is what gets to me the most. He knows this so he is forever keeping me on my toes! But it is fun I admit. He opens my door and tells me to get out of the truck. I'm still thinking- "OK- what do you have planned? I know you're not going to spank me in the daylight where someone could drive by any minute!" He starts kissing me- "oh. Ok- Making out- nothing wrong with that. I don't care if someone drives by and sees us- snogging. Then he turns me around so I'm facing the truck- "uh. No, no, no! You are not spanking me here!" I try to turn around and fight him "Oh, no you don't" Dammit! I'm torn- I want to fight but of course I want to be spanked! I wait for him to start. It never gets old- Sorry, never will. He bites the back of my neck. Mmmm- that never gets old either. I love that my neck is forever tender now when I turn my head or clothes brush against it- it's a little reminder of fun! He starts scratching my back, my stomach- Yes! Love it! Never...gets...old people!


He opens the car door and I think "Oh, that was a short session." I sit down. He says "I didn't say we were done!" He reaches for his little evil paint stick! Still a love hate relationship with that thing. I stand back up- wait a damn minute! You are not using that thing on my ass! Oh, yes he is using it on my ass. Surprisingly not as bad as I thought it would be- then again I have jeans on. Then he hits my thighs and calfs- yikes! Stingy! Then my back and my shoulders- oh yeah! That stings quite a bit! I had a very thin shirt on. Different type of pain than I'm used to. I can't help myself- it's just a gut reaction even though I'm enjoying the hell out of it I turn around and grab the stick to stop him. I'm in fight or flight mode. I'm thinking he's going to tell me to turn back around and not fight him- that's usually the case. I like to be bratty sometimes and put up a fight. But he hugs me- I immediately think "well why did I stop him? I want more!" But I also just like hugging him- I'm a very touchy feely person. I'd wrap my arms and legs around you if you'd let me. But only with certain people. It takes a certain personality type to bring out my softer side.


I had asked him earlier if he liked to be bitten and scratched as well. I love to leave marks just as much as I love to receive them. But I'm always timid at first- I don't know how much pain a person likes. Myself- I can get crazy! I like to be just as rough as I like others to be with me. But I never know how the other feels about that. I know a lot just want subs to be quiet and obey every command no questions asked- I am like that most of the time. But sometimes I just get worked up and need a release. I want to push, shove, bite, scratch, fight you the whole way. I want to leave teeth marks, scratches, leave you sore from trying to restrain me while I struggle. But I understand some don't like that so I hold the need inside to just CHOMP! I live on feedback, Hell I love it! Tell me in explicit detail what you like. Not pleasing you enough? Tell me- force me to do it exactly how you want.


After a while we sit back in his truck. Grrrr- evil little paint stick on my legs! He really thwacks me good quite a few times on my leg and I reach for the stick and he hits my pinky in the process- God dammit! How can that hurt so much? It's jut a damn finger you big baby! I give him the sad puppy dog eyes. "ow. You got my finger." "Well that's what happens when you try and stop me." Yeah- very true hehe. "I think I'll just handcuff you so I can do whatever I want to you with no fight." Me and my big mouth! Here come the handcuffs! He cuffs my hands and I am immediately on edge just waiting for what he has planned. He just sits there nicely and puts my head on his shoulder. I'm still on edge- thinking any minute he's just going to pounce! Why else would I have cuffs on? We just sit there for a while and I relax a bit. Then the choices come- fuck! I just spent how long choosing one pair of boots and you want me to decide within seconds what I want! "Since you've been a good little slut- I think you deserve a reward. I'll give you the choice- you want more spankings, or you want me to play with your clit or should I let you suck my cock?" Ok- that's like choosing betweeen coffee, chocolate and shoes! I want them all! I don't know! Just do with me what you will- I'll enjoy it no matter what the hell it is! He says he'll give me a little time to decide.


After a while Kinky asks me if I have made my decision- I don't know! They all sound great! He pulls my hair- "you don't know? Do you know anything?" I shrug again, he pulls my hair even tighter "hmm?" I shrug- he keeps pulling my hair until I'm almost laying down on the damn seat. He lets go and says "Well since you can't decide maybe I'll just cuff your hands to the handle up there and that way I can do whatever I want to you and you can't do anything to stop me." Uh oh- why do I have a bad feeling about that?! I fight him while he tries to grab my hands- no, no, no! You are not putting my hands up there! Ok- so it would probably be fun as hell but no! He grabs my wrists "geez- I'm just trying to take the cuffs off of you and you think I'm going to do something bad to you." Yes I do! You kinky SOB! I wouldn't expect anything else from you!


I finally decide after some more hair pulling- Mmmm, that I want to suck his cock. See I can type that but to say it out loud- totally different. I can type anything- cock, fuck, pussy, fuck me hard- but the minute you ask me to say it- I turn into the most bashful thing and blush and can't get the words out. But honestly my mind is as filthy as a truck drivers mouth! I think all these things- but to verbalize- I freak out- always have. I need to get over my fear of words :) I figure I enjoy sucking his cock and he says he enjoys it- he may just be saying that though hehe. See- I used to be very very confident in my oral skills but you could say I'm a little out of practice and it's been a while since I've seen a REAL cock! I admit I've been lucky and most I've been with were quite well endowed so I'm used to having- hmm, something to work with per say. But lately there are the poor souls that are lacking. So I'm a little out of practice. FYI boys- if your jaw is no longer used to the real thing- My God! Takes some time to build up those muscles I guess! Plus I have a small ass mouth! It's a curse!


OK- here I go off on one of my tangets again. I hate when guys say "yeah, I'm average." Dude- if I can fit the whole thing in my mouth without so much as gagging- it is NOT average because again- small mouth! Yeah stay in your little world of denial- cause that thing is not average! I have like the the worst gag reflex in the world unfortunately! Not getting into why- but I do. So- if you don't gag me- you get the point. I hate to break it to all you men out there but it is so not true when someone says- It's not the size that matters, it's what you do with it. Um- yeah, biggest lie ever. Yes it definately makes it fucking awesome if you have a big cock AND you know what your doing. But if you have a small cock yet still know what you're doing- not the same! What's going to feel better people? A 5" cock that pretty much fills you up or an 8" cock that definately fills you up? Damn straight the 8" wins! I don't care what you do with it- awesome! But if you have skills and a big cock- Good God! Ok- rant over.


Fun times, fun times. What's better than an afternoon of shopping for boots, a little spanking and some exhibition? Sounds like a great afternoon to me!

Yummy Yummy Kinky Candy Part 2

Where did I leave off? Oh right- pulled into my driveway. Finally! We get inside and I'm thinking- ok, is that it? Is the night over? Or are you continuing this charade? "Do you want to continue sucking my cock? Or do you want it in you?" Geez- it's like asking me if I want milk chocolate or dark chocolate. I love both! I shrug. I ask "what do you want?" I'm not gonna force myself on you if you don't want me dude. "That wasn't answering my question." He pulls my hair "it's a simple question. It's not rocket science!" Finally I say "I want you inside me." "Now was that so hard?" "No" I can't help but giggle- like I said I giggle when I get nervous. He slams me against the wall and pins my hands above my head. "What's so funny, huh? That wasn't meant to be a funny question. If I wanted to laugh I'd put on Robin Williams...." I lose it at that point. Inside I'm rolling on the floor laughing but I hold it in and say "sorry". Then he starts spanking me. "This is for making me wait for an answer." Spank, spank, spank! "A little slut like you should not sit there and waste my time by making me wait for an answer!" Spank, spank, spank!


After a while he runs his fingers lightly ove my ass "what did you learn?" I hesitate, he pulls my hair- "hmm?" "to answer the first time." "Good girl." He spins me around and slams my back against the wall and starts kissing me, biting my neck- God I love that! I don't know what it is but the minute I feel teeth on my neck I go crossed eyed from pleasure. Guess you could say that's my special spot- you can get me to do anything if you just bite me into oblivion. Ok- so that is totally a joke! Don't get any ideas Kinky! He steps away and I fix my dress strap that fell down- or somehow got pulled down in the process? Got me! I also step away from the wall- he pushes me against the wall again "I didn't tell you to move!" He pulls my dress strap back down. "Now if you want my cock inside you, you have to get me hard again." He unbuttons his pants "oh, I already am. Guess you just have to lube it up." I'm in a daze at the moment- he almost sounds like the teacher on Charlie Brown "Mwah, Mwah mwah." Huh? Were you talking to me? I'm assuming he just asked me to suck his cock. So I bend over and suck on him for a few seconds and then I stand back up. He is just standing there staring at me- the inner child in me comes out and I want to push limits. So I just stand there and stare back, waiting for him to say something. I see a smile forming- oh, he's gonna break character! Come on- I know you want to smile. "I didn't tell you to stop." Damn, not gonna happen. Fine you win- as usual. So I bend back over and suck his cock again. After a while he grabs my hair and pulls my head up quickly. He turns me around so I'm facing the wall and pulls down my underwear. Finally! I'm not going to go into details about every little thing- just not me, I have to keep something to myself! Plus at that point all I was concentrating on was my sense of touch, sound.


He takes me right there up against the wall. Yum, yum, yum. After a while he grabs my wrist and pins it behind me pulls me away from the wall and steers me down the hall towards an empty bedroom- my daughter's old room to be exact. Kinky! Wrong in so many ways but makes it that much more fun. He turns on the light- wait, wait a damn minute here! I don't fuck with the lights on Buster! Why? Because my flabby blinding white ass will make you run away screaming if it doesn't blind you from the reflection of the light first! I know I will definately not win that fight- I know the more I fight for the lights off due to my own insecurities it will just end the same- the lights will stay on. He pushes me down so I'm on all fours and pretty much just has his way with me :) The whole time he is talking to me but I am so zoned out I have no clue what he is saying- plus I can't hear him over my own damn moans! I'm in my own little happy place, he spanks me but for the life of me I don't remember any pain from it. I don't know how hard the spanks were- but I feel nothing. All I feel is pure pleasure at that point. He makes me turn so I'm facing the mirror and tells em to look at myself. I hate to look in the mirror in the morning let alone when I am completely blissed out! I look for a second and I see my eyes- who is this person?! I have never seen my eyes glazed over like this before. Then again I don't make it a habit to look in the mirror during moments like this! I'm not sure if I look like a total disaster or if it is hot. So I close my eyes. He keeps telling me to look in the mirror. I look every once in a while. Still don't know if I look completely ridiculous or not. But at that moment I don't care because I'm too busy cumming!


He pulls out and lays down on his back and says "since I've been doing all the work- it's your turn. Suck my cock." At this point I honestly don't know how useful I am when it comes to pleasuring- I can't even form a damn sentence. But I do as I'm told. Then he pulls me up to straddle him and says "ride me." With those words somehow I mentally go back 10 years. I freeze and I don't say anything- I just shake my head no. I have a little complex when it comes to something that happened 10 years ago with a situation similar to that and I can't believe it still effects me after so long. I felt so bad at that moment because I totally shut down and didn't want to talk- I withdrew as I normally do when it comes to this particular problem. I just get so embarrassed by my reaction and that something still effects me that much that I just freeze and I want to go run and hide. I don't want to talk about what exactly my issue is on here- it is very private. Let's just say it has to do with a very mentally abusive boyfriend I had at the time. See- the difference between Kinky and another play partner that this happened with- Kinky understood and stopped! He actually wanted to address it and discuss it- not just treat me like an object.


I felt like I ruined the whole night and experience for Kinky. See- Kinky says it's about the sub's pleasure and feeling comfortable- what?! Wow- I'm so used to hearing everyone say the sub is only there to please the Dom completely and not for the sub's pleasure at all. I felt like I didn't live up to being a good sub. I felt like I didn't push myself enough and didn't give my all to please. But- he was so kind during the whole situation. I totally trust and respect him more now for the way he handled everything. No matter the situation I can honestly say I trust him 100% now. It is just fun and he actually understands and takes the time to get to know ME and treats me as a person and not an object. So thank you for being a true gentleman Kinky :)


Other than me totally losing it at the end of the night- my God!!! When can we do it again? hehe I wish every night were that intense. I can only hope that Kinky receives as much pleasure as I do. Looking forward to more fun experiences.

Yummy, Yummy Kinky Candy!

So I met up with Kinky Candy again a few nights ago. (evil grin slowly appears)We had fun. He texted me earlier in the day and we decided out of the blue- hey, lets go out tonight! Cool! Then he texts me later "what time should I come aquire you tonight?" "Hmm- how about 8? Wait a minute- did you just say 'aquire me'? Why does this not sound good?" So the whole time I'm getting ready my mind is racing trying to figure out what exactly Kinky has planned. Finally, lightbulb! I text R- "would I be using the correct terminology if I said I was going to 'aquire' a suspect?" R texts back- "why?" I said "oh, I mentioned something to Kinky the other day about a cop fantasy and being 'tortured' for information." R texts back- "LOL- get ready for handcuffs!" Dammit! Me and my big mouth. Great- so what exactly DOES he have planned?


I pace while I'm waiting for Kinky to show up. My active imagination goes into overdrive and I think of different scenarios and get more and more nervous. I hear a knock at the door- he's here! Ok- brace yourself, be ready for anything Mariposa. I open the door and I check pockets as he walks through the door- ok just keys. I turn my back on him to go into the kitchen thinking any minute he's just going to pounce on me! Nothing- oh, ok. Guess he's not doing anything like that tonight. So we walk to his truck, get in. He says "give me your hand." I give him my hand- click. Handcuffs. Dammit! He is using the handcuffs. He cuffs my other hand as well- but he's not done! He has another set of handcuffs and he cuffs me to the dashboard! The funny thing- I just gave him my hands like it was nothing, no questions, no hesitation- just let him cuff me to the dashboard. It's not until I'm cuffed and can't do anything about it that I sit and think- WTF did I just get myself into? Too late now! These babies are the real thing! They get a little tighter on my wrists as I fidget- ok lets not do that.


As we're driving he says "look at the toy I got at Folsom!" Uh oh! What the hell is it?! He pulls out what looks like a ruler. I take a closer look- what is that like a paint stirring stick? That's exactly what it looked like. "Hahahaha! That thing wont do anything. It will break the first time you smack me with it. Please- I've seen splinters bigger than that thing." Thwack! "that thing fuckin stings! Put that away! What the hell! Ohh- it stings. Nice. Do it again!" He hits my leg a few moe times and then lays his little evil paint stick on his lap. I don't even ask where we are going because I know he wont tell me. We drive to the downtown area of our town. Thwack! "God dammit- I'm gonna break that thing if you don't watch it." We pull into a parking lot and he gets out his keys for the cuffs. "Do you want those off, hmm?" "Yes" "What do you say?" Dammit- I hate begging. Ok- so I don't hate it, just when someone says to say please the child comes out in me and I want to be defiant and say "no! Make me." But I figure the night just started- no reason to start racking up punishments yet. So I say "can you please take the handcuffs off?" He very nicely takes the cuffs off.


We get out of the truck and start walking, I'm thinking what the hell is down here? Nothing interesting. "We're going to the Amtrak station." "What? Ok? Are you kidnapping me? We taking a train somewhere?!" "No- its my thinking spot." Alrighty. What do you have to think about that's so important that you are just going to sit at a train station with a girl that is wearing a cute dress for you and you just cuffed in your car? Must be pretty important. So we sit down at his thinking spot and just talk. That's the great thing- he can do crazy kinky things to me yet we can still hold a conversation. Awesome either way. I like just sitting and talking as much as him spanking me- ok so if I had to choose I would have a hard time choosing which I like more. Just kidding. Anyways- he says "you know this is part of your punishment right?" Oh- that's right, I got a punishment for not going to Folsom this year and going to Citadel instead. "What talking to you? How is that a punishment?" "No- sitting here at a train station when you're dressed so nicely." Yeah- I was wondering about that! See- Kinky has a rule, when we do anything together- doesn't matter what it is, I am to dress nicely, cute, sexy- whatever you want to call it. So I'm sitting there in a very cute dress if I do say so myself, wondering why I got dressed up to sit at a train station! So yeah- pretty good punishment :)


After a while and a few kisses and bites to keep me on my toes we go back to his truck. I wonder if he'll put the cuffs back on me. No- he lets me go without. But out comes that evil little stick of his again. Thwack, thwack, thwack! OK- you are just having too mcuh fun with that thing! We talk and he keeps smacking me on the leg every once in a while. He smacks me three times really fast on my right leg- Damn- that stings! "When's your birthday?" Huh? "why?" Thwack, thwack "OK- May 17!" thwack! Goodness! I don't know if I like that thing or not. It's a love hate relationship at this point. I flinch everytime I see him get ready to smack me. I can't help it! I think "oh no!" But then I end up liking it in the end- it's that stinging type of pain- my favorite. We stop to get a bite to eat. He orders me a drink- not him! Just me! Dude- I seriously did some damage to my liver this past weekend. I drank like three days in a row- crazy amounts of alcohol! Fine- if you insist- I wont turn down a drink.


We finish eating and it's back to the car and I'm on my toes again. He tucked his little evil stick in his sun visor. I kept looking at it thinking "I hate you, you little stinker. I'm watching you! No sudden movements!" Kinky noticed I kept looking at it I guess, he says "it's not going anywhere." He pulls it out and starts teasing me! He acts like he's going to smack me with it. I can't help it- each time I flinch, brace myslef for impact. Not that it's horrible or anything- it's just that surprising, stinging feeling. He seems to get a kick out of seeing me flinch! He puts his little evil stick away. Thwack! he smacks me on the leg with his hand instead. Dammit! Sneaky bastard. He seems to like dark, deserted places because we start driving down a road that leads to nowhere. He wasn't joking when he had stated earlier that we were going to drive around and find all the dark hidden spots in the area. He pulls off the road- it's dark, nothing around. He gets out of the truck. What? Now?! He opens my door- guess I have to get out. What are we doing exactly? "Assume the positon." Ah- spankings! He grabs my wrists and pins them against the truck above my head. He starts spanking me. Yes- firm hand just like I remember :) I have no idea how many spankings I got or how long it lasted or when my panties were pulled down- but yeah- now I know what subspace is. I never got what people said when they talked about subspace- I know there are different levels etc. But I think this is the first time I actually entered some form of subspace. He pulls my head back by my hair and whispers in my ear "do you like that hmmm? Do you want more?" I don't know- something like that! Like I said- subspace, can't remember word for word people! I say "yes"- he starts spanking me again "well good because I'm not done yet. It's not up to you when I stop anyways. I'll stop spanking you when I'm ready to." Meep! Getting a little tender. I'm at the point where I'm thinking "ok- that is beginning to sting a bit. Maybe you should ease up." But he continues- Wow! Yeah- gonna feel it tomorrow.


He turns me around to face him and slams my back against the truck and starts kissing me- bites my neck. I have to be honest- I'm not goint to try and even remember what he said at this point case I have no fucking clue. All I remember is he was asking me yes or no questions and I would just shake my head yes or no. Then he pulls my dress and bra down and starts sucking on my nipple- now see I'm generally not a person that gets turned on by this but- it felt very nice. I relaxed and leaned my head back on the car, close my eyes. Slap! He slaps my breast- hello! Then he sucks on my other nipple and as soon as I relax again- slap! The other breast- Mmmm! Then he turns me around again and shoves me against the truck, spanks me. Then he slaps my thigh- wow, didn't expect that! The legs are a tender spot! Then he slaps the back of my knee and my calf and works his way back up my other leg. He spanks me again "this is for leaving Citadel early!" Spank, spank, spank! Yikes! He whispers in my ear " I know what you''re thinking right now. No please stop. My ass is sore. I can't take anymore." Spank! "Well too bad!" Spank! "It's not your decision..." Spank! "when" Spank! "I" Spank! "stop!" Spank, spank, spank, spank! Oh...My....God! I'm breathless right now just writing about this! He grabs my hair and pulls my head back "do you like that?" "Yes" "Are you turned on?" "Yes" "Why? Hmmm?" I shrug. I'm in subspace right now I can only answer yes or no questions- you expect me to form a sentence when I'm floating?! He pulls my hair harder "speak!" I shrug my shoulders again "Stop making we wait for an answer." I don't know what else to say so I just say "cause it feels good?" He yanks my hair "It's not because I'm hot? Hmm? Just that this feels good?" I answer- "no" He starts spanking me again "you need to think about your answers before you speak next time!" Spank, spank, spank! I'm totally breathless at this point and hardly able to stand up so I lean against the truck. It's gone from pain to pleasure. He pulls my head back again by my hair and whispers something- I don't remember exactly what it was but he basically asked if I was turned on again and what I was thinking. All I could get out was "I want you." "Do you think you deserve my cock, slut?" "Yes" "Do you think you've been a good slut? Done everything I've asked you to do?" Is this a test?! I can't think right now! Are you going to ask me to name all 50 states next or what? Cause that's honestly what it feels like to form a one word answer right now! So I just keep saying yes. "Is your ass sore?" "Yes"- need to sit down- floating, dizzy! "Do you think you'll feel it tomorrow when you sit down?" "Yes" He opens the car door and I sit down. He's talking to me and then faster than I can blink he chokes me. God this guy knows how to keep me on my toes! I swear everytime he does that it gets tighter and longer- I have to say that is one thing I never thought I would like is breath play. But come to find out- I enjoy it.


We start driving again. All I can do is sit there and giggle like a little girl. That's what I do when I get nervous- I giggle. I'm in a daze- thinking- are we driving back to my place? He turns the opposite direction of my house- wait! I thought- you just- I can't- Where the hell are we going now?! Take me home and fuck me dammit!!! "Oh, look! We're going to Barnes and Noble." Why?!!! I feel like throwing a temper tantrum and screaming "I don't wanna! Please take me home! Take me home and take advantage of me already you dirty boy!" We park- God Dammit! I just follow him in the store. What the hell are we doing in a book store when you could be slamming me up against a wall somewhere screwing my brains out?! "Do you like to read?" What?! Books? We're seriously talking about books right now? You are lucky I don't jump on you in the middle of the freakin store and demand you fuck me! Yes I know it wouldn't get me anywhere but still. He just keeps walking around the store- not really looking at anything. He stops in the interior decorating section. What? Feel the need to redecorate all of a sudden after you just redecorated my ass with purple bruises? Come on! Some reaction! Am I the only one that is like a horny teenager right now? Apparently! He hands me a knitting book "here. Read this, I'll be right back." Yipee- just my cup of tea. I put it back on the shelf "I didn't say put it back! I said read it!" Fine! I flip through the damn knitting book while I wait for him to return. Seriously? You are seriously making me look at this? Wait a minute- I'm letting you make me look at this?! What the hell has happened to my brain? Supspace- that's what! And you are making me read a knitting book instead of taking advantage of this subspace I'm in right now.


He comes back. Finally! We head back to the car- but are we going home yet? No! We are finding more dark spots! Hey- I know of one huge dark spot that we could go to- my fucking empty house! It's waiiiiitiiing! No? Fine. So we drive around some more- more evil stick! I'm getting impatient! I ask "you having fun just driving around?" "Mmmhmm." I don't remember what I said or did but apparently I was being a little feisty. He grabs my hair and slowly pulls my head closer and closer to him. "Do you know why I'm pulling you closer and closer?" What did he just say? Ah right- "to keep me on my toes." "exactly! Maybe I'll be nice and let you suck my cock while I drive." I unbutton his pants and start succking his cock- alright people! I'll go into a little more detail this time- geez! People seem to like to hear about sucking cock. The only reason I don't is I can't judge or tell you how it feels. I'm just the one pleasing. I can't tell you how it felt but I can tell you how his cock felt in my mouth- that work? Well- lets just say not lacking in size and very pleasant to look at actually. Not many are hehe. I take him into my mouth and I taste a little pre cum. As I move faster I feel him getting harder and bigger. I'm hoping the moans I hear mean it feels good. I feel his hand on the back of my head lightly. I like that- he's not forcing my head down- just kind of guiding it- letting me know what pace to go at. I feel like he's letting me know he is still in control and could push my head down if he wanted to but never does. There- that good enough? Well that's all you get! The next thing I know we pull into my driveway.....


TO BE CONTINUED!

Letting My Freak Flag Fly

I have a secret that I have kept for years. It is something I even had a problem admitting to myself- just like how I am into BDSM. As I said before I grew up in a very conservative, Christina household. I grew up being fed information on what is correct, what is considered "bad". So having the feelings I had made me feel like a horrible, demonic person. So admitting I was into BDSM was hard enough- I mean it's one thing to admit you like kinky, rough sex. A lot of people are into that! That is more acceptable than what else I have been hiding. It is very revealing, it is something a lot frown upon- even in the BDSM community. Ok- not frown upon but it is something that a lot of people can't wrap their mind around.


My big secret- the one I've never told anyone- I want to live a poly lifestyle. Yes people! I'm finally letting my freak flag fly high and proud! I'm a very open person- always have been. I accept everyone for who they are. I don't judge- we are all different. That's what makes this world such a beautiful place! So be who you are and don't apologize for it. No one is "different" or should be considered an outcast. Not one person is exactly the same on this planet- so we are ALL different! So why judge and push your beliefs on someone else? If we were all supposed to be the same and think and feel the same- we would have been made that way.


I was first exposed to polyamory when I was a teen. Immediately when I heard about it I thought "that is the most wonderful thing ever!" But I felt guilty for feeling that way. I was raised in church- you read and follow the Bible! You do not under any circumstances have pre marital sex, if you do that is considered adultry because you are only to be with one person and love only one person for your entire life! Well- considering I have had numerous sexual partners already and I have been divorced- I'm already damned to hell according to the Church. Whatever! I'm done feeling guilty about my choices and what makes me happy in life. I've been living my life according to others beliefs- faith. All it has done is make me feel like a disgrace. Well- I'm done! I'm the happiest I have ever been in my life right now. How can something be considered so horrible if it makes me this happy? I finally gave in and admitted I like BDSM- and I'm ecstatic! So I'm going to be completely honest with myself, give into these feelings I've held back for years! Screw society- this makes me happy. I'm poly!


Even though I've only been in manogomous relationships in the past- I know I'm poly. I'm not your typical girl that gets upset if you look at another female, find her attractive. That's human nature. Just because I am in a relationship with someone and maybe they have deep feelings for me- it doesn't mean your brain automatically shuts off your ability to have feelings for another. We're not wired to only have deep feelings for one individual. Just as there are numerous shades of green in the world- there are numerous levels of love. You can love someone romantically, or on a friendship level, or the love between a parent and child. It doesn't even have to be love! You can be in love with one individual and be infatuated with another. We are beings made to feel. We have emotions for a reason. Why go against nature and shut off emotions because society says we have to? Why should I feel guilty about say- loving one person and finding another attractive? I shouldn't! But society has made it so manogomy is mainstream. I'm done conforming to society- I'm starting to color outside the lines and I love it. So I'm not stopping. If I want to be poly- so be it.


In a relationship all I ask for is respect and honesty. Even in a poly relationship one can cheat. What makes it cheating? Not being honest, hiding intent. I know the dynamic is different with each poly relationship but I'm going to state what would work for me- how I view a poly relationship for me personally. If I were to have a primary partner- I would just want the person to be completely honest and open. You're interested in someone else? No problem. Just don't let it get in the way of our connection, respect what we have and keep communicating with me. That's all I ask- no secrets. I'm not the jealous type, I don't get hurt as long as you are honest. I don't keep secrets from my partners so I expect they would not keep secrets from me. I don't expect someone to have feelings for me and then completely shut off all emotion to others. We all have emotions- just let them flow. Why hide them or fight them? That just creates problems and makes you unhappy- spiteful of the other person even. Just as men can't help but stare at a beautiful woman as they walk by- I can't help but check out a hot ass guy if I see him! You want to make out with that hot chick? Hell, I'd probably admit I would too! I'm not afraid to admit when a person is attractive no matter what gender. Doesn't mean I would do anything with that person- but I wont get upset for someone thinking another is smokin hot. Go ahead! You want to make out with them, spank em- whatever you want. Do it- just remember the connection you have with me and respect that fact. I respect you as a person- just respect me in return.


Honestly- to have a connection with someone where you are completely honest with someone, no secrets- that is more fufilling and more intimate than any manogomous relationship could ever be. You are completely free to be who you are! What could be more intimate than that?

Beer, Outfits and Swollen Feet

A dsy in the life of a party girl! Ok- so I was done partying a long time ago. I kind of felt like I took a trip back to the past this weekend- like 7 years ago. R and I spent Saturday in SF. First stop- Oktoberfest baby! Beer, food and annoying German music- what more could you ask for? I'd always wanted to go to Oktoberfest so when R said "hey- lets do Oktoberfest." there was no question. We get there and our first stop is to get tokens for the gallons of beer and pretzels we are going to consume. Next stop- R buys a mug twice the size of my head to hold his beer- awesomeness! I stick with the smaller cup which honestly is not that small. We get our beer and grab a pretzel with like a pound of salt on it and we're good to go. Slut watching time! See- I take joy in hot drunk chicks in german outfits making fools of themselves. It's the simple things in life.


Apparently when a normal person consumes a significant amount of alcohol it then somehow becomes ok for a grown man to wear lederhosen and little Peter Pan hats- or in some cases a chicken on their head. Women put on the shortest petticoats they can find and still be considered legal, find a mismatched crushed velvet dress, some hooker heels, braid their hair like Laura from Little House on the Prairie and your golden! Seeing old men chop a log with axes to the beat of an accordion player becomes the best entertainment ever! The only two saving graces for me for this event were the dancers- at the end of the dance they actually turned the women over the mens knee and spanked them! Now we're talking! The other saving grace was seeing this guy wrap his lips around a big sausage and just go to town! Yeah- who doesn't love a bratwurst? So after dropping $60.00 we walk away with a few beers, four pretzels, two pieces of cake and one hell of a fuckin buzz. R of coure made me finish his beer! Whatever.


Second stop on our busy day- Victoria's Secret! R decided my panties for Citadel were not to his liking apparently. He said "we'll go to Victoria's Secret and see if there is anything better. Tell you what- I'll buy them for you." Well hell! What girl is going to say no to panties?! OK, so I admit I have a bit of an issue when it comes to lingerie- I'm obsessed! So of course I'm not going to turn down going to buy panties! We get there and R is avoiding all the panties like they're infected or something. Come on- what you don't want to touch any panties? You know you do hehe. I kept trying to slyly get him to touch a pair but it didn't work. It was pretty funny actually. So we're looking around and I happen to find a pair that I like and they are on sale! So R being the nice guy that he is says I can get 5 instead of 1! I feel like skipping through the store and throwing panties up in the air so it's raining silk and lace and cotton. Maybe put them in a huge pile, jump in and make a panty angel. Yeah- I was in heaven. R is following me around "just pick 5 damn pairs so we can get out of here." Dude! This is a very, very important decision! You can't rush a woman who is so picky when it comes to panties- just can't be done. Plus- you're the one that wanted to come in here in the first place! "Just pick a pair already." No! This is serious business! You know how many styles of panties there are to choose from? Plus I ONLY have 5 choices here. Do I want lace? Cotton? Silk? Which colors? Do I want bold and cute or sexy? Do I want a wedgie all day or ones that only cover half an ass cheek with lace? Do I want granny panties that are made out of cute fabric or ones that look like little girls panties with ruffles? Come on! Wrong store to bring me in if you are in a hurry. Alright, geez. Spoil my fun! So I pick 5 pair and we are off to our next destination.


We then head to R's parents house- I wait in the car cause I am not going to go in and talk to his parents and try to explain how I know R and what our plans are for the evening. "Yes Mr. and Mrs. R- I met your son on a BDSM website, he is helping me find a Master that will tie me up and spank me, flog me, do dirty kinky things to me. Maybe even collar me- lead me around on a leash." "Aww- well that's nice dear. So what are your plans tonight?" "Oh- well, tonight we are going to Citadel and plan on watching a bunch of public spanking, flogging- you know just the general things that go on at a public dungeon." Yeah- that would go over well! So R changes in the comfort of his parents house for Citadel. You'll see why I have such an issue with this later.


We still had some time to kill before Citadel so we go to a little place called The Bubble Lounge. R- this is where I will be having dinner every night now- you need me that's where you can find me. I loved it- it is so my kind of place. It's a champagne bar, with amazing desserts! Well, except for the dessert they call upside down cheesecake. More like two spoonfuls of cream cheese with graham cracker sprinkles! Blah! So disappointing- it was not sweet at all. It was literally like someone took a carton of cream cheese and plopped two scoops on a plate. But yes- I will be calling them and telling them our table is to be permanently reserved and I want a Bubblicious and lemon drop and that chocolate dessert waiting for me- 6:30 sharp, every night! That is what I am having for dinner from now on thank you. What is a bubblicious you ask? It is peach nectar and champagne! Mmmmmmm- give me like 5 of those and I'll be set. Oh and the lemon drop- amazing! I looooove desserts. It was a lemon custard with some granola, a blueberry compote, granola and champagne flavored shaved ice on top. Sounds like an odd combination but the creamy custard with the crunchy granola and the coolness on the ice- it was like an explosive lemon orgasm in your mouth! Then we had some chocolate dish- can't remember what it was. The best way to describe it was chocolate french toast with whipped cream! MMMMMMMMMMM! Oh- I want more right now. Yeah that was the extent of the pleasure I received that night. Mmm- melt in your mouth, warm chocolate with whipped cream- Oh! OMG! Please- more! Don't stop! Dammit it's gone! Yes, I'm a dessert girl :) Especially chocolate.


So after The Bubble Lounge R drives me somewhere to change for Citadel. We're driving and driving. Like I said before- R got to change at his parents house. I on the other hand have to change in a dark..... church... parking lot! Before we get there R says "don't worry, no one will be there." I figure- fine I've changed in a car before, that's fine as long as no one is around. So we drive to this supposed secluded church parking lot- it's a freakin parking garage with cars everywhere! Dude! WTF! I see- you just like to play games. Fine- you want me to make a fool of myself- I will. But no one can really see anyways because it's dark. So I start to change- I pull my top off and go to put my dress on and R turns the lights on in the damn car! Hey! Not funny! Then I have to get out of the car and stand up to get my pants off and change my panties. It would have been fine if R didn't roll down the window and shout about me changing my panties! Hey- didn't you have enough fun already pinching my arms and giving me bruises and testing out pressure points just because you were bored?! No? Now you have to draw attention to my half naked ass? Whatever hehe


Final stop for the night- Citadel. Oh- after like a half hour of trying to put on my heels. Beer and salty pretzels do wonders for feet apparently! I could barely zip my shoes! Yeah- so was not feeling sexy! Actually feeling a little bloated! Just roll me into Citadel why don't you? So we get to Citadel and there is a line of like 5 old ass people in front of us waiting to get in. WTF! Is there like an early bird special that we don't know about or something? These people are honestly older than my parents! Did we make a wrong turn and go into Denny's instead? Can you use your AARP discount here? Don't break a hip honey. Jesus- or have a heart attack whipping your lady there dude. We make our way in and go downstairs to see if there is anything interesting going on. Nope- just more there for the early bird special. So we go back upstairs and find a seat. There is only one chair available so I let R sit there and I sit on the massage table near the chair. Then all of a sudden a monster comes and sits down next to me! This tall skinny man sits next to me in this tight bodysuit made out of what seems to be roadkill! It is a bodysuit of hair! OMG! R- kill it! WTF is that?! It's looking at me! I think it's a R.O.U.S.! (extra points if you even know what that is) Then after getting over my initial shock of Mr. Bigfoot himself I look over at R and out of the corner of my eye- I see the old ass dude sitting next to R ogling me like I have never been ogled before! Ok- now I am seriously going to die! I feel like running away screaming at the top of my lungs and pulling my hair out! Where the hell are we?! This is not Citadel!


After a bit the old dude gets up from his seat but then Mr. Bigfoot sits down next to the old woman that was with the old dude and starts rubbing all over her and she starts petting him! Blah- I think I just puked a little in my mouth. R is starting to fall asleep so I take a little time to look around at all the lovely, or not so lovely faces. Bam! One hottie! Damn- nice arms! Look over here boy! I'm giving him the "come over here and bend me over this chair and spank me" look. Oh- he looked! Dammit- he looked away again. Why is this not working?! Jesus- need me to be more bold and just walk right up to you, pull my dress up, bend over and grab my ankles? Come on! Oh! That explains it- yeah, he's gay. Damn- can't catch a break! Ugh- R, wake up! Boring! Oh no- here we go again. Mr. Karate is back! Remember- the dude from the first Citadel trip that was more worried about his flogger twirling abilities than pleasing his partner? Yeah- he sucks! He seriously dropped the flogger midswing! Dude- you're a dork! Then he starts beating this girl with two canes to the beat of the music like she's a drumset as he dances horribly to the music. This isn't some damn nightclub- your caning someone for God's sake! Pay attention! OMG- did she just meow? The girl he's caning just meowed! R- can we get the hell out of here now?


I figured we should wait a little longer- the night had to get better, it just had to! R wanted to go, he was tired. I told him to go take a nap in the car and I would stay and wait. "I'm not leaving you here alone!" Oh come on- how much trouble could I seriously get myself into in a public dungeon? Seriosuly. What? Afraid you might find me bound to a St. Andrew's Cross with like 10 guys taking turns beating me? Don't think you have to worry about that one! First- I'm like the only girl not half naked in this place- I think they would be more likely to go for the half naked chicks first. Second- I doubt anyone is even interested in discussing anything with me let alone want to do anything with me. Third- what part of me bound to a St. Andrew's Cross and 10 men sounds bad? To me that sounds like an awesome fucking night! But fine- if you insist. Stay. So we stay a little longer and hey things might be looking up! A Dom starts to tie up his sub on the table right in front of us- woo hoo! He ties both wrists and feet and then even ties her torso down. Behind them I see this dude with an odd instrument and he's using it on this girls back- what the? OMG- it's a plunger! Ahahahahahaha! He is plunging this girls ass and back- now that is hilarious! Then he gets out rubber chickens and starts beating her with the rubber chickens. Ha Ha! Sorry- I like comedy, what can I say? Then I'm drawn back to the sub tied down to the table- he starts doing things to this girl- parrt of me is sitting there thinking- OMG there is no way I could handle all of that! No way in hell I would let anyone do that to me. But part of me is jealous! I can't help but think how happy this girl looked before this all started and he was leading her on a leash by her collar- she willingly let him tie her down and undress her. God I want that! I want to be owned! I want to find one I can trust enough to completely give over that much control! But I know that I am having fun right now as it is exploring things. I don't have to be owned to explore and trust. I just have to go with the flow and everything will fall into place.


So- yeah, Citadel was not the most fun this time. But I admit I just had a blast getting out of the house and just having a fun day with R! Awww- no don't worry I'm not getting all mushy on you R. hehe

You Ready To Do This?

That's right R! The day has come! Tomorrow we will duke it out in a battle of stubbornness. You don't know who you're dealing with Mister. I am THE most stubborn person on this planet. Well- besides you- but I can take you! You will be balled up in the corner crying like a little girl after I defeat you. Ok- so I'll probably be the one crying due to the circumstances but whatever!


I thought I could get backups to help- but no one cares sniff, sniff. Kinky said I'm on my own, my readers just leave me here alone- laughing, waiting for my story of defeat. But I will show you all! I will conquer! I am a big girl and I can take care of myself. Bring it- bring your A game boy cause you're going down!

Honestly- there is no way for me to come out a winner in this situation so I don't know why I even talk.