So I had a new experience last night! Yes- it was a good one this time. I am hesitant to post because I don't know how he feels about me putting anything in my blog about it. I think he was kind of scared what I would actually put down! Don't worry- I know your reading this- it's not bad. But I wont post much about you- I will post mostly about what I learned from the experience because I think I found out two important things about myself last night. But sorry I have to say- yes, you are getting a name just like the others :) Youd didn't escape that one. So I will refer to you as Atomic Fireball. Let me just give everyone a little history so you know why I chose the name.
I was browsing the BDSM personals site one day and came across this profile. Immediately the name caught my attention- I thought, interesting name- I have to take a look at this. Immediately it caught my attention because of the shear humor in his description of himself. I thought he seems like a cool guy even to hang out with if nothing else. So I sent him a message, not expecting a reply back cause let's face it- I can be boring! When I received a response back I was in hysterics while reading it. I liked that he just said it like it was- honest and straightforward with an odd twist of humor mixed in. With each message I received it got more and more outlandish and I would roll on the floor laughing each time I read. He has a way about him that he will comment about some totally normal everyday thing and then out of nowhere comes some kinky, crazy comment that throws you for a loop. My reaction when I read each message was this- "hmm, that's great- well thought out message" BAM, total outlandish remark "gasp! I can't believe he actually just wrote that- but that is so freaking hilarious and I love it!" I knew I had to meet this guy in person just to hang out with him if nothing else because he was a riot!
So there you go- a little history as to where I came up with the name. Atomic Fireball- it's a hard candy with a very spicy cinnamon flavor that ends up turning your mouth into fire! It starts off mild and you think "mmm, this is really good." Then BAM out of nowhere your mouth is in flames and you have to take a break, fanning your mouth cause it's too much to handle and then immediately you think "wow, that's craziness! But it's good!" Such is his personality- you think "OMG I can't believe he just said that! But that is freakin awesome! I wonder what he'll have to say next." So you get it- crazy, wacky, shocking hilarity. Love it!
Anyways- I'm now going to focus on the things that I learned about myself. I have to say I am getting more and more comfortable everyday with all of this. At first I was freaking out inside and thought- there is no way a sane person can be into all this! But chatting and hanging out with like minded individuals has really helped me open up and accept this part of myself. With each experience I've had I learn more about myself, which I think is great! I think self awareness is a huge thing. I am a very shy person generally but for some reason I can write about things more openly than I can talk about them. I'm not as shy as I once was though- I used to be so bad I couldn't even say the word SEX without getting up the courage and blushing when I said it! Now look at me- I'm writing a damn blog about just that! WTF!
I learned two things about myself from this experience- both good things I might add. The first invloves my pain threshold. When I first realized I was into BDSM I thought " Oh, no! Pain- so not me. Not at all!" Then I realized shortly after that I liked a bit of pain- light spanking, hair pulling that type of thing. Then during this experience I learned I like a lot more than I originally thought! I'm not talking major, major pain- like slap me in the face, drag me around by my hair, spank me till my ass is black and blue type of pain. No not at all- but when it comes to certain aspects- I do enjoy some pain! Like spanking- my God! I learned I like my ass to burn after I've been spanked; the next day I want to wince when I sit down. I never thought I would want to be spanked to that extent. I had thought I would like it in a playful sense, like a slap here and there. But no- I like to be spanked so hard I tear up from the sting of it. I learned as well that I love my nipples to be pinched HARD and love bites! I love to wince and cry out from the pain- it is a huge turn on I never ever expected I would enjoy something so much. So basically I learned I am much more of a masochist than I thought.
The second thing I learned was that I'm really not that big on humiliation. I had a great conversation with AF that night about how you are always learning and evolving in BDSM. I learned it's ok to try things and if you don't like them then that is ok- just move omn and try something new. Let me clarify- humiliation did not play any role in this experience- I think that is why it was so enjoyable. At first I guess because everyone I talked to was big on humiliation- I just thought it came with the territory and it was something I had to get used to. They were into name calling and "putting me in my place" in ways I did not care for. I realized the approach I enjoy more is just plain confidence from my Dom and positive reinforcement, encouragement. I want to know I'm pleasing them- not please because I am scared of the consequences if I don't. Originally it was hard for me to have to repeat things asked of me because I would get a response of "excuse me, bitch?" if I didn't repeat a split second after they told me to. So I would cringe when they asked me to say something like "fuck me hard" because it is hard for me to speak in that manner. So I knew I would be hearing "excuse me, bitch?" shortly after they asked and I hated being called a bitch or a cunt, etc. It just made me freeze. If someone wants me to repeat something for them to hear I want it to be because it pleases them- not because I feel like I'll be put down if I don't. Also I like crazy, rough, animalistic sex. But I don't enjoy it if I feel like I'm just being used for their pleasure only, like an object. I like being viewed as an object of pleasure not a sex object to be used. I like passion, chemistry. I want it to be a joyous occasion.
So- to sum it up I think I am at a huge turning point and now think I am very comfortable in my life with the decision I have made. Well not that it was a decision- I just happen to like the kinkier things in life- that's just me plain and simple. No I didn't decide to like it- I finally accepted that I like it.
