Submission- to yield or surrender (oneself) to the will or authority of another.
I have been waiting a long time to write this post. This has actually been on my mind since I first started my blog. I wanted to write not only about my experiences but ask thought provoking questions and touch on different topics to do with BDSM. My blog to me is not just a diary of my experiences- I want it to touch people and make them think. I want to hear others opinions on things as well. I have to say I am glad I waited until now to discuss submission because I honestly only realized about two months ago what submission truly is. Excuse me if I get long winded, but as I said this has been on my mind for a long time and it is something I am very passionate about and I want to take the time to truly explain myself. I know a lot have an issue with the word "gift" when it comes to submission so that is why I put it out there. Is submission a gift or not?
I understand there are many outlooks on what submission truly is. I can only state what I think submission means. I'm not speaking for every sub or Dom out there. I have come across many now in the lifestyle and I have received completely different answers from every single person on what submission is. I don't think there is a right or wrong answer- I think we all just see submission from a different perspective. That is why there are so many different dynamics out there between Doms and their subs. Also that is why I think it is so important to find one that views it the same way as you or else you could end up in a situation that makes you completely unhappy or even hurt.
I think there are two separate parts to submission. There is physical submission and there is mental submission. I think the majority only focus on the physical aspect of things. Not saying there is anything wrong with that- just that most of what we do is only physical submission. Like open play at a dungeon- that is just physical submission. A lot of us participate in this and I'm included in that. It can be fun but that to me is not true submission- that is just play. Physical submission is not what drew me to D/s in the first place. Honestly I think it is much easier for someone to submit physically than mentally- look at it as superficial submission. Sorry if that upsets some but if you think about it- it is. It's much easier to find a play partner- say I like this, this and this and my safeword is _____. I like being called slut and I like humiliation and hair pulling. That's mechanical, it's superficial, to me that is not true submission- that is just fun. Anyone can call you a slut and humiliate you as long as you trust them enough to play. You go through the motions- check off things on a checklist "oh, he pulled my hair, check. He called me a dirty little slut, check. spanking, check." They're only giving you what you want physically. They don't know the reason behind the things you like- just like if they were to punish you for not following directions- they're not punishing you for anything but to correct a physical error. It's not because you did something to disappoint them- it's not mental at all. I know a lot like it just that way and they don't want it to be anything besides physical- but not me. To me it seems it is much easier to submit physically to someone. Plus- so many out there are in the lifestyle for just that reason that the true meaning of submission is forgotten.
I talked to a Dom a while back and now that I think about it- it makes sense. He had said that all the subs he came across that came into the lifestyle in their mid 20s tend to be more serious about D/s- it's more of a mental thing- about connection. Where as women who are younger just tend to go for it from the beginning and don't think, are not wishy washy on if they are truly submissive- they just go! It makes sense for two reasons- one: more hormones when you are younger so it's more of a sexual connection than a mental connection and two: I think girls at a younger age are less sure of themselves and think if they do whatever a guy tells them to do, dresses in skimpy clothes- is kinky and out there- people will think more highly of them. They think they have to prove themselves worthy. As women age, or just people in general, I think the older you get the more self aware and secure you become. So the older you get it becomes about more of a mental connection than just physical. So when you enter D/s as an older person- it's a question of whether you want to give up mental control instead of if you just want someone to be rough with you and call you names. Needless to say- that is where I am at in my life and that is how I personally view submission. I'm not just in it for physical gratification- if I was I would submit to anyone! No- I am in it for more of a mental connection- I have to trust the person and respect the person to submit to them. When I first entered the lifestyle I tried just the physical aspect of things and it was not satisfying at all! I met with play partners I hardly knew- just knew their kinks and they knew mine and we played and that was it. No mental connection- just physical- it was boring as all hell.
I'm not into D/s for the reason a lot of girls are into it. I have come across numerous girls that are in the lifestyle because they think they don't deserve respect and should be treated as a sex object. They don't have self esteem, they have been taken advantage of in their life and think they are less than. That is not me at all. Yes I have been taken advantage of in my life and for that reason have some self esteem issues but I don't view myself as less than- I know I still deserve respect as a person. Let me clarify- I'm not saying all subs have self esteem issues- not that at all, but that so many do that Dom's I think are so used to it now. Myself- I'm not in the lifestyle due to self esteem issues or because I think I'm less than. I know I am a person and I am equal with everyone. I'm not stupid and I don't "need to be put in my place" as a woman. I am very capable of taking care of myself and want to take care of myself. I am very independant- I'm not looking for someone to make every decision for me because I can't think for myself. I have a brain and I use it. No- I am in the lifestyle for different reasons. I submit because I enjoy that feeling. Instead of feeling less than when I submit- it gives me strength knowing I am making the decision to let another take control. I like to know I can please by doing what they ask of me. Knowing I pleased them and no one else because I gave them my trust and respect and let them take control. It takes two for the D/s dynamic to work- so I do believe that submission is a gift. But I also believe dominance is a gift as well. The submissive willingly gives up control and the Dominant willingly accepts the control. As a Dom you can't make someone submit just as a sub you can't make someone take control: it's a choice by each party. So it takes both the Dom and the sub for the dynamic to work.
I'm not looking to be degraded- I'm looking to please and for guidance, understanding, respect. I want to connect with one I look up to, trust to make good desicions for both of our well beings, one I can ask advice if I need it- not one that just likes to be in control of everything cause they're on a powerr trip. One that treasures my submission as much as I treasure their decision making and confidence. I talked to a Dom once that said he expected his sub to only care about his pleasure and nothing else. If his sub thought about her pleasure her mind was in the wrong place because she was not thinking of his pleasure first. He wanted to be thanked when he called his sub a dirty little bitch and when he punished them. This to me sounds like someone on a power trip. First- I'm sorry but it's just not my thing to be called a dirty little bitch- or be put down. He asked me "has anyone ever called you a bitch in a good way?" How can I view that as being a good word in any way? This is the definition of bitch- a lewd or immoral woman. A malicious, spiteful or overbearing woman. You want me to thank you for calling me a lewd, immoral, malicious, spiteful woman? How can that be viewed as good in any way? It can't be! So why would I want you to call me a bitch let alone thank you for calling me a lewd, immoral woman? Sorry, I think more highly of myself than that and would hope you do as well. Just as why would you want me to thank you for punishing me for doing something wrong? I can understand saying I'm sorry and I learned my lesson but to thank you for the actual punishment? No- I have standards. Just because I'm submissive does not mean I am in any way shape or form less worthy of respect than any Dom is- I am willingly giving you the control and trusting you to cherish it and take care of me- just as I cherish your control and take care of you.
Now back to the difference between physical submission and mental submission. As I said before physical submission is much easier and less deep than mental submission. With the trust that this person will not hurt you physically and a safe word- you're good to go. You have that safeword as a safety net- you can stop at any time. But when it comes to mental submission- that is a completely different type of submission. It's on its own level. I don't want to compare it to love because I don't think you need to be in love in order to submit mentally to one. But I think they both take a lot of the same aspects in order for it to happen. To submit mentally you have to trust that person completely. You have to be open and communicate with that person, you have to respect that person. Sorry to say it but yes- submission is a lot like love in the regard that it takes more than just a physical connection for someone to submit mentally. You have to be willing to let that person in, become close to the person, get to know them and what makes them tick. That takes a lot of energy and time and willingness for both parties. To me it is not fufilling fo just do something because someone tells me to. I want to know why. I want to know why and how it pleases the person, what is on their mind while I am doing it. I want to know the thought process behind things. Would it mean more if lets say someone were to get a bouquet of lilies and they had no idea they were your favorite flower? They just happen to guess and chose your favorite flower? Or know that the person went out and knew your favorite flower was lilies and went to a couple different florists to find liles knowing you would be ecstatic because they remembered it was your favorite and took the time to search for them? It's the THOUGHT behind the action that is most rewarding- not the action itself- am I right? I think so. So of course it's more rewarding knowing why and how someone wants you to follow their rules.
I would like to know how others view submission- do you view it as a gift? Or are most only interested in the physical aspect of things? Or do you think women should submit because that is their place in life? I really am interested in hearing others thoughts on this topic. Feel free to comment- please I love comments!
