R! Are you seriously trying to make me think to the point that my brain turns to mush? I think you are- I think you take joy in making me freak out a little. Just when I thought my situation could not get any worse- it got WAY worse. R- you know I overthink everything so why put me in this position, huh? Alright everyone- as you know I am banned from any pleasure by Sir, plus no sugar. Well today I had to go without panties due to being a smartass. I'm not sure if everyone knew this but I am still following the rules R set for me as well. So I basically have two sets of rules going on right now. Now this has not been a problem- unitl now! Sometimes I think they are working together. Or fighting against one another- who knows. R's rules are in effect until I am owned- which means at the moment I am following two Dom's rules! Talk about demanding! Geez guys- give a girl a break will ya?
Here is my dilemma- I am not allowed to have an orgasm without Sir's permission. But I got another punishment for forgetting one of R's rules. His punishment for me was to have an orgasm. So as you can see- I will break someone's rule eihter way! If I have an orgasm I break Sir's rule and get a punishment from him. If I don't have an orgasm I break R's rule and get an even worse punishment from him for not completing my punishment. Either way- I'm screwed! So yes R- I am overthinking it. Why? I overthink everything- you should know this by now. Also I honestly don't know who's authority I should follow at this point! I also think- well who's punishment do I fear most? But honestly at this point that holds no weight because ultimately I am the one who is willingly taking part in their rules and punishments. So I could call it quits at anytime- I just don't have to give into their demands. So the question becomes- who do I want to follow as an ultimate authority figure?
Who is Top Dog? Do I go with my mentor because I have been following his rules for so long and he has been here through most of my journey? He's my friend- if I don't follow his rule will he take it personally and get upset I chose Sir's rule over his? Or do I show my willingness to follow Sir's rules no matter what? If I follow his rule over R's will that show I am serious and can and want to follow his rules? Will he be happy I chose his rule over R's? Will that please him? At this point I don't know what to do. There is still a part of me that keeps waiting for Sir to just disappear or not be interested anymore- so I may be following his rules and put myself out there for nothing. Or I think- is he really being honest or is he just looking to chat with some girl online for some kicks? Am I playing into his game by following his rules so willingly? Or does he truly want me to follow his rules and ultimately own me? Is he different from the others I've met so far? I hope he is. I hate to doubt him- it's not that I doubt HIM- I just doubt everyones intentions now since I have met so many that have had ulterior motives. They weren't really looking for a sub- they were looking for an easy lay. So I am very resistant to put myself out there as much as I did before. I don't want to show my true self until I fully know Sir. Know his true intentions- I get a feeling he is different but I can never tell for sure. In order to tell for sure he would have to be willing to put himself out there a little more as well.
At this point I am basing my decision on one thing- it's the only thing I can go on right now. Do I put myself out there and show my devotion to Sir- show him my willingness to please or do I take the safe road and follow R's rule since I have for so long? I still have to think about my decision- I have until 9pm tonight. So I better get to thinking!
