I decided to share some things from my past again- my next few posts will involve this and I am warning you they are pretty deep and revealing- but it is about time I let it out. I have not shared a lot of these details with anyone! Just wanted to let you know all of my posts are not going to be dark and depressing now LOL- I plan on staying upbeat because that is me. But these next few posts can get a little dark.
Someone made a comment the other day that srtuck a chord with me. I've heard it so often I usually just ignore it or push it aside. They told me I was a very strong person- that I've been through so much yet I stay positive. They said they truly respect me for the way I handle things. I immediately thought "oh, you have only seen the tip of the iceberg!" I admit I have been through a LOT in my life that most never experience. Also considering my age, 27, I've been through hell! Generally when people tell me I'm a strong person I can't help but think- "please, I am not. I just deal- what else can I do? What choice do I have but to deal with what life throws my way?" I'm not just going to sit back and let life pass me by because things get tough. I get up and I take it one day at a time- that's all I can do.
With that said there have been two major events in my life that have shaped who I am today. I'm sharing these experiences for two reasons. One- sharing your experiences can help others. There may be someone out there that is going through a similar situation that benefits from hearing about my experience and know I made it through- that they are not alone. Two- it's kind of like therapy for me, I've held these stories in for 10 years and they have eaten at me slowly. I think since this is such a pivotal moment in my life- I finally need to tell my story- no matter how bad it is. Before I get all dark and dreary- at this moment in my life I am the happiest I have been in years- maybe even the happiest I have ever been. I wake up everyday and am thankful I just get to enjoy another day on this beautiful planet- but it has taken a long time for me to get to this point.
My first story that started this dark period of my life is about my first serious boyfriend. The exhibitionist I mentioned in an earlier post? Yeah- him :)Let me begin by explaining my personality before I met him. I was an upbeat person. Bubbly, outgoing, a go getter, saw the positive in everything!I grew up in dance- I mention this because it plays an important role here. I started dancing at the age of 3. I mostly did ballet- I danced six days a week for at least 6 hours a day. It was my life- my reason for living. I competed in dance for 10 years. I wanted to be a professional dancer. If you don't know that much about the ballet industry- let me tell you, they are obsessed with looks and weight. I grew up thinking I was only worth something if I was perfect! I had to be fit, beautiful, perfect all the time. I had to be a certain weight to even be considered special enough for a company. So needless to say from a very young age I dealt with body issues. I was anorexic, I would basically starve myself for days at a time. I would eat maybe one meal a day- if you consider a couple bites of food a meal! But I was praised for being in such great shape- so I just thought "well, beauty is pain." I loved the way I looked, the way I felt. I thought that was the only way people would accept me- if I had physical beauty I could have anything, do anything.
Anyways- I met my first boyfriend when I was 14. We went to the same church- the moment I saw him I liked him. We didn't start dating until I was 16- he always seemed to have a girlfriend! Also- all his girlfriends were all on the chunky side. I thought "there's no way he can resist the way I look! Come on- you would totally choose me over that fat girl any day." (I know- horrible, horrible thinking!) At that point in my life I was very confident in my looks and personality.
Well he broke up with one girlfriend and I immediately made my move before he got to another girl! To me when we started dating life was perfect. He had the type of personality everyone was drawn to, he was magnetic, you just wanted to be around him. Aslo he was a smooth talker. I don't know how he did it but he had a way about him- you would believe anything that came out of his mouth. I could have said "oh, what a beautiful day- the sky is so blue!" then he could look you straight in the eye and say something as ridiculous as "no- the sky is orange." and you would believe him! I wasn't the only one- he fooled everyone- My friends and family.
I've blocked out a lot of these memories I guess because I couldn't deal with them emotionally so I only remember vague details. I'll try to explain things the best I can. Basically the relationship started out wonderful. We were in love- I had never felt anything close to the way I felt about him. I thought we were meant for each other (oh, young naive love!) He drew me in, made me trust him completely. I started distancing myself from my family and friends. I even quit dance- my one passion in life! The thing I loved most and had worked so hard at- just decided to quit one day. I don't know how but he made me believe things about my family and friends. He made me believe they were all against us- that the only thing that mattered was our love for each other. If we had each other nothing else mattered. When I was completely distanced from all my support- that's when he began to change. He began to put me down- tell me I needed to change things about myself. It got so bad my days would consist of nonstop comments about how ugly I was, how my body was disgusting to look at. How I was stupid and no one else would want me or put up with me.
Come to find out- the whole time we were together he was still with his "ex girlfriend". They had an entire relationship while we were together. Now I'm not stupid! I knew something was going on between them. But everytime I brought it up he would deny it and tell me I needed psycholigical help because I had trust issues. His family even told me this! He said no one else would put up with me accusing them of these things and that I was lucky he put up with it. He started getting violent. He never physically laid a hand on me but he did things as a scare tactic I think. He would start walking toward me with this look in his eyes- the only way I can think to describe it is pure evil, craziness! I would back away until I was in a corner and had nowhere to run and he would pin me to the wall and hit the wall with his hand right next to my head. I would be so scared I would back down and shut my mouth.
He took away everything that brought joy to my life: friends, family, dance. I lost the ability to feel joy, love, confidence, the will to live! In my mind it became a battle of who he wanted more- me or his ex. I tried to "win" his love with the only thing I thought I had going for me- my looks, my body. But even that didn't work- he tore my confidence apart- made me believe I was the most disgusting, disgraceful looking thing on the planet. It didn't matter how skinny I was, how much I starved myself, how cute I was- nothing won him over. I even started having nightmares where I would literally wake up screaming "NO! Choose me!" I had nightmares night after night of different situations where his ex and I and him were in different locations and he would always be with her, closer to her, hugging her, kissing her.
I stayed with him for 4 years. I amlost married him becauae I thought no one else waould ever want me. But that all changed one day. I went out with my best friend one night because he happened to be out of town. She was my only friend that didn't believe his tactics. She stayed by my side. I've known her for 20 years and we are still best friends and always will be- I love her to death. Anyways- I went out with her; being the flirt that she is she started talking to a guy that night. She was shy and didn't want to ask for his number so being the pushover I am- she convinced me to go ask for his number for her! I went up to this totally hot guy and like a dork said "my friend is asking for your number." He ended up giving me the number. But later on he ended up telling me he only gave it to me because he thought I was asking for it for myself. That was the turning point- knowing that someone would be interested in me, especially a hot guy- broke through the shell of lies that my boyfriend had built.
I finally ended things with him. But I was still a broken, weak person- nowhere near who I was before. I didn't have the drive for anything after that. I was just existing- I wasn't living anymore. That's how I remained for the next 7 years of my life- numb from any emotion. Which leads into my next story....
