Mariposa's Lifestyle Rules

I want to thank one of my reader's for this great idea for a post. Kisses!!! He is one that has been following my blog since I started- thank you, thank you, thank you! I am glad there are people out there still interested in my story. Also let me put it out there now that I have more followers- if you have any questions or ideas for posts- please e-mail me! Even if you just have a comment. mariposa8308@yahoo.com I would love my readers to be more involved and I'm honestly am very open, if you haven't noticed :) So I'll answer any questions you have or write about any topic you are curious about. Also- I know there are a LOT more readers out there than followers listed- but it would be very, very nice to have a better idea of how many actually read. Was that pathetic enough? No? Ok, what if I beg? Please, please, please will you become a follower for me? I'm not even asking you to comment or anything- just create a little screen name and add yourself to my followers. Please? I bare my soul to you people here! Can you help by showing your support? Sniff, sniff. Please? For me? Did that work? Ok- fine! Little incentive for you kinky bastards out there- if I get enough followers, I'll post pics on my blog. Yes, kinky pics ;) How about that? Does that do the trick?


So- my lovely, faithful reader asked me if there were any lifestyle rules I follow. Well, yes I do. There's no handbook for BDSM- so there is nowhere to go that says do this, not that. Sub's follow these rules, Dom's follow these rules. So I think rules vary from person to person, relationship to relationship, play session to play session. I do have a set of rules I do follow myself in general- mostly for my safety, peace of mind and to keep myself happy. If you would have asked me a few months ago I probably would have quite a few different rules. But now that I have decided polyamory works best for me- that changes a lot of rules. Plus right now- I'm going where life takes me. No expectations- just going with the flow.


Many have asked me what my relationship is with Kinky. Well- I'm not worrying about putting a label on things. I'm just letting life lead me where it wants to. Do we play together? Yes. Do we have feelings for each other? Yes. Do we take each others feelings into consideration? Yes. What is that? I don't know- it is what it is and I don't think I have to put a label on it just because everyone wants me to. We are separate individuals that love to spend time together whether it be to hang out or to play and we both have separate lives and we are free to come and go and be with whoever we please. But again- I think I speak for both of us when I say we take each others feelings into consideration if we were to play with another. That's the only way I can explain it. We started this journey together- both new to BDSM so I think we both feel more of a connection because of that. I have no expectations- things are the way they are and I am enjoying myself. If we had to label what we are than that is betweeen me and Kinky and no one else. So there you go- you happy? :) That's the only answer your going to get. hehe


So the rules that I follow in the lifestyle depend a lot on the situation I am in at the moment. Plus I think the longer I am the lifestyle the more I will learn so the more rules I will come up with. So the rules I follow right now mostly deal with polyamory because that is a big part of my connection at the moment. So, Mariposa's rules for the lifestyle:


1. Most important- honesty and communication. I think these are both important in any relationship, but especially when it comes to BDSM and also more so with polyamory. With polyamory- everyone should be aware of all the partner's involved. I would think if you are in a poly relationship with someone you would have no problem with telling them anything because you wouldn't want to hurt them by hiding things. You can still cheat in a poly relationhsip- being with another is not cheating, but once you hide intent- that is when it is considered chaeting. At least in my book. So in any poly relationship I think honesty and communication are key. Everyone needs to be open because with every new partner introduced into people's lives- there comes a different dynamic. Everyone is effected in some way when another is brought into the mix- so everyone needs to be on the same page so it doesn't create problems later on down the road. With BDSM- you have to communicate with your partner not only because of the trust issue but for your own safety. Some things in BDSM can be harmful to you not only physically but mentally as well. So honesty and communication are just as important so everyone stays happy and safe.

2. Considering I have a connection with Kinky now and we are play partners and we have open communication- I would always talk to him first if I decided to play with another for a few different reasons: 1. Just as he cares about my feelings- I care about his feelings. I don't want to do anything that will hurt him. 2. So far he knows a lot more people in the lifestyle than I do so he knows a little more about others that could be possible play partners- so I would take his advice on who would be a good play partner and who would not. Plus- if I bring another in the mix I want everyone to get along! I don't want any drama in my life- I have enough of that already! The only thing I will say about our connection is- in a sense of a poly relationship- I would consider Kinky my primary. We get along and he is local and we started this journey together so he has a special place in my heart.


3. I do what makes me happy and follow my gut. If it feels ok- I go for it, if not I immediately turn the other way. I've learned my lesson on trusting my gut.

4. I never got to events involved in the lifestyle alone. As a woman and a sub at that- you can never be too careful. Plus I'm a really caring sweet person so in a situation like that I tend to be a pushover and don't want to hurt anyone's feelings. So- I need a little extra protection hehe. I either go with R or now Kinky. I pretty much fall into the role as a sub whenever I am around others in the lifestyle. So I pretty much expect R or Kinky to be my protection- which they both do automatically, I don't even have to mention it. Guess they just automatically fall into the Dom role just as I do the sub role. Which I have to say I'm very happy about. I'm a sub! I like others to have control no matter the situation! Like I said- naturally submissive.

5. I never play on the first meeting- again, learned my lesson on that one. If I'm going to play with someone I have to get along with them and be friends- not just looking for a quick hookup. That's not what BDSM is to me. If I was I'd go to a club or a bar and pick up a guy! I'm a woman- sex is always available- I'm not just looking to get laid.


6. When I am with Kinky- I am his, I'm his sub. In a scene and events where no other partners are present- I am his. I follow his rules- do as he says. So say like last time at BaGG- if he wants his friends to spank me- that is his choice because I am his to do with as he pleases.

7. I am an indepentant person. I have a life outside of BDSM- I have a job, a family. So I cannot be a sub 24/7. I have responsibilities and want to keep it that way. Not saying I'm against living a 24/7 lifestyle- but my life at the moment will not allow that kind of arrangement. Plus- I don't want to hand over every single decision to someone else- I'm not a slave, I'm a sub. I will go where life takes me- I'm open to 24/7 but it would depend on my situation and my connection with the person.


8. Playtime is playtime! Anything is open! I am a sub and I know my place. But once playtime is over- you best treat me with respect! None of that name calling when I'm just walking down the street! Yes you can call me a slut, dirty girl, whore as much as you want when we are playing- but the minute play is over- on ho! You treat me with respect.


9. Polyamory means- many LOVES. Not fuck anyone you think is hot in the moment. Love means there has to be some form of connection there. Either friendship or trust based relationship or a romantic connection. So no- being poly doesn't mean I'm a slut that will hook up with anyone. It means I am open to the possibility of forming a caring relationship with more than one at a time and am open to my partners having the same. Plus- me being the hippie that I am, according to Kinky :), I would hope we all get along like one big happy family because we are all in it together and some connection if we are all playing with one another. Free love! Spread the love! Everyone needs a little love in this world, right? Coexist! Peace! Yeah, yeah- I'm a hippe, I admit it! Also- if you get along with everyone that leaves the door open for threesomes or other things. Hey- it could be fun. I'm kinky that way.


10. Which brings me to a very important rule- multiple partners- safe sex, safe sex, safe sex!!!! I am clean and best stay that way or I will kick some ass!!! We're responsible adults here people- think. Oh and also- I am not looking to have any babies either! So yeah- think!


Do I have any rules that Kinky has given me to follow? Well- the only one I can think of is that I have to always dress in a nice manner for him. You know- no sweats and my hair all a mess etc. But I don't do that anyways- so don't have to worry about that ever happening! I'm too vain for that. Other than that- I can't think of any that he has given me. Except that of course I am his sub when I am with him. That's a given. I'm sure I will come up with more rules as time goes one- but for now that is all I have.


10.

Sub's Can't Plan- Don't Even Try

I met with Kinky this week. I was honestly having a bad day and so was Kinky. I've been stressed due to things going on in my life and I was selfish, turned into a girl for a minute (went back to old habits as usual, insecurities) I gave Kinky a hard time. Come to find out he is as stressed as I am now if not more so! I immediately felt bad when he opened up to me and told me how stressed he was. I felt like I was 3 inches tall. Here I was flipping about my own insecurities and letting my own mind get to me yet again causing Kinky even more unneeded stress. So after work we talked on the phone- he said he was going to beat the shit out of my ass because I made him frustrated. I thought "go ahead! That sounds like fun! Seriously do your worst. I don't mind being an object you take your frustrations out on from time to time- especially since I caused the frustration."


I still hate to admit, mostly to myself, how much I actually like pain. It's a hard concept to wrap your mind around. I know I'm not alone in liking pain- hell, there are people out there that like way more pain than I could ever dream of! Not saying I enjoy it to that extreme but I do like a lot more then I ever thought I would. Plus the scary part- the more pain that is inflicted on me- I want it to be more and more intense each time. That is truly a scary thought! I think- "what sick twisted individual wants to be in pain?! How can pain bring me pleasure? You're supposed to fear pain, run from it. Yet here I sit wanting more and more of it." It's not so much the pain I enjoy as much as the bruises and the soreness the next day. That's what I enjoy the most. I feel sick and twisted for admitting that- but it is what it is and I can't figure out why I enjoy it and I don't think I'll ever know why- I just know I enjoy it. So when Kinky said he was going to hand it to me I thought "oh, perfect opportunity to get out all my frustrations as well! I think a good struggle would do the trick!" So I tell him- why?! I have no idea!!! I don't think before I speak, things just fly out of my mouth. You would think I would have learned by now! So he says "oh, it's on the minute you close that door when we get to your house." Ooooh! Fun! I say "bring it!"


Now, on the drive home-I know this whole situation is going to end one way and one way alone- Kinky in control. I know this, he knows it- but I figure, meh I could give him some trouble- it's all in fun. But I know I need to get in my little sub zone in order to make this work. I've found that I truly do have to somewhat prepare myself mentally because I always have a million things going on in my head so I try to take time to clear some of that out and focus. That way when Kinky asks me his questions I'm not sitting there saying "I don't know" I know that can get frustrating and boring. So I try to not to do that anymore. But I don't calm myself as I normally would because I'm ready to put up one hell of a fight! I'm talking kicking, biting, scratching, throw me to the ground! Let's do this!!! I have a lot of frustration to get out too! But I know in the end I'll submit- so I get in my little subbie zone.


I get to my house and I'm completely mentally prepared- do your worst! I walk into my house, put down all my stuff and just relax. From the kitchen I walk back to the living room and "OMG!!!! There's a mutant in my house!!!" I start hyperventilating. Now I admit- I do get freaked out by a lot of things- but I do have a few things I would consider real phobias: snakes, heights, deep water, bugs and little people. I know it's horrible, ok? I know but I can't help it! Don't get me wrong- I love all beings on this planet- some just freak me out a little. Maybe I've seen Wizard of Oz too many times- I see a little person in the store and I freeze! What are there going to be flying monkeys next?! Or little orange faced, green haired men singing "Oompa Loompa Dupity Doo" Yeah- Willy Wonka- another horror flick for me. Sorry- horrible again but I admit my faults. Anyways- huge mutant!!! There is some creepy, horrid, ugly, huge ass bug crawling around! I scream like there is an axe murderer in the house. There goes all my preparation out the window. I'm now freaking because this- thing- in my house and it's looking at me! I sit down and I am not moving until that thing is out of the house! I am not taking my eyes off it- it could charge at any time! Who knows- it could have hundreds of razor sharp teeth and if it bites me it could paralyze me with its venom and then eat my body whole! Ok- so very unlikely- but anything is possible!


Now, instead of being calm and getting ready for God knows what with Kinky- I'm now curled up in a little ball in the corner in fear for my life! Kinky comes in "Kill it!!!!" My hero! He killed my arch enemy. Now I feel bugs crawling all over me- ugh! I'm in a frenzy and not thinking straight now- Kinky gives me a hug. Awww- I like how he greets me. Always so nice- isn't just in Dom mode right away. Get to take time and say hello and we can talk as friends and ok we're sitting down in a chair. He's sitting in my lap? OK- why- are- YOU- straddling me? Shouldn't it be the other way around? He kisses and grabs my arm and puts it behind my back- awww man!!!! You manipulative, little evil #%*^ @!#$(& #$$%*&! I've been duped! I know I wont get out of this one but I try. I try and pull my hands ou of his grasp and I succeed a few times- I make him drop the cuffs he was trying to put on me. Ha ha! Now you have to get up and get them! So maybe I can jump up and get off this chair. "See I plan. I have reserves." He pulls out another pair of cuffs from his pocket. Dammit! Then I look down- he has pants on that have like a million different pockets! I'm thinking "God what else is in there?!!!" I see rope so I take it and throw it. I know it wont do anything but at least he'll have to get up and walk and go get it! "That's fine! You can throw that rope. I don't need it. I have more in my other pocket." Fuck! What- your pants like Mary Poppins bag? What are you going to pull out next? A St. Andrews Cross? Lord! I'm pissed! I still fight him as much as I can before he's able to get a cuff on my wrist. But as soon as he has one wrist I know I'm doomed. Fine! Alright! You win! You happy?!!!


I stop fighting as much once he gets the cuffs on cause I know I've been defeated. Had to open my big mouth! Had to plan! Thought I could get away with something as a sub- nope! You don't play fair Kinky! He grabs the rope and grabs my foot and tries to tie the rope around my ankle. I know I have no way of getting out of being tied up now since I no longer have use of my hands but I figure I can delay the process as much as possible. So I try and stop him from tying it around my ankle by sticking my other foot in his way. "That's fine. I'll just tie your ankles together." I don't know why that thought freaks me out! the thought of being tied to a chair unable to move at all? No- that's fine. But my ankles tied together! OMG! Something's completely wrong with my thought process. So I ease up on fighting him. He ties the rope around my ankle and then ties my ankle to the chair leg. OK- spread eagle or ankle's together- which is worse? I'm not sure.


As he's tying my leg to the chair I glare at him. "what's that look for? Hmmm?" I say "You don't play fair." I'm still pissed! I was looking forward to one hell of a struggle! Now I'm sitting here dead in the water! No chance! "You forget I'm the one in control." Yes, I know. Now, I try to be good- I really do. I want to be the perfect little subbie and be there to please and not fight and just give myself over- but no matter what! Everytime! I can't help myself. I want to fight back! Especially in this instance. I'm all worked up now- I'm not just going to sit and take your control! You didn't play fair- you manipulated! I say "for now you are." Just wait! Wait until you untie me from this chair! Or better yet- wait until I have my chance at being a Domme! OK- so I'm still not sure how it will go. I will either fail miserably or if all goes according to my plan- it will be quite an experience for Kinky-a great one! :) He slaps my face "you are in a bratty mood today aren't you?" Oh- you have no idea! I could honestly give you much more trouble than I am but I'm trying to bite my tongue. I come back with more bratty comments. "Who's the one tied to a chair?" So! What's your point? Yes I may be cuffed to a chair and you're tying me with ridiculous amounts of rope so I'll have no way of getting out-but I will not admit defeat! I still have my words- it may not be much, but I do have that you sneaky bastard. I make it my goal then, that night- I will not let him get me to enter sub space- I will fight you! You may have my body under control- but try and get me to submit completely! I can't fight you physically now but I can challenge you mentally.


Kinky finished tying up one leg. He stands and gets the rope ready to tie my other leg. I make more bratty comments "Hmmm- what can I use as a gag in this house?" No! My only defense left are my words! I reel it in a little- don't want that taken away from me. He starts tying my other leg to the other chair leg. I don't fight him anymore- I don't want a gag! "There's nothing you can do now. I could even leave you here tied up, alone." I say "you wouldn't do that." He gives me a look like "oh, really?" Fine- you would! I let him finish his rope work. Then- he gets more rope and ties my torso to the chair! Come on! Are you going to use all 100 ft. of rope on me? Geez! Then he puts another set of cuffs on me- ow! These ones are tight. He takes the other pair off that he had on me before. "You know the difference in these cuffs?" No- "the ones you had on before gave you more range of motion. These ones limit your motion." Dammit! Like I could move if I wanted to anyways? He loosens the cuffs a little- yeah! I have pretty small wrists! Maybe I can squeeze a hand out! Not that I have any idea what I would do if I succeeded. I would just end up back in the cuffs and have a punishment coming my way. But I still try just because I'm stubborn. Yes my wrists are small but I can't squeeze my whole hand out- damn! Now my hands are just more uncomfortable!


Kinky smacks my chest. Yow! He lifts up my shirt- oh great! Real sexy! Here I am in scrubs with an elastic waist and they're 2 sizes too big! Elastic pants? Oh- couldn't think of anything sexier! Ugh! Plus I'm swimming in my scrubs due to the 30+ pounds I've lost recently! Not buying new ones till I'm to my normal weight! Ok- so I might have to because by then they'll look like mumu's on me! See- I'm generally a thin person- I'm generally a toothpick! But we're not getting into my whole weight gain/loss BS right now! So I'm freaking out inside- put my shirt back down! Oh- great! Now the bra is out of the way too! Grand- just grand! If there is one body part I am most self concious about it would definately be my breasts- or my stomach- yeah those are the areas affected by having kids!!! Damn you child bearing! Never again! So anytime my chest or stomach is exposed I freak! OMG! Shield your eyes from the damage that is being a Mom! Oh the horror! Used to be confident- used to have it going on. But now- I cringe! OK-enough about my millions and millions of insecurities. Then- Kinky takes a picture! No! Come on!!! Do we really have to document this? Maybe if I had a hot corset on or something, fine. But now? Really? EVIL!!! Ok- fine, you can take pics but no face and I am NOT looking at them! "Look up" No! He pulls my hair and makes me look up- Grrrrr! Then- he makes me look at them! Why?! Why torture me this way?


Kinky decides he wants to find something to clamp to my nipples. Meep! That thought freaks me out! That's a tender spot! But, ok- I'm open, lets see. He looks for these clips I had- thank God they are no longer in the house. Ha ha! I hear him go out to the garage to look for something. Of course my mind goes into overdrive "what the hell could he be finding out there?!" he finally comes back in- he wont let me see what he has in his hand. He starts using it on the back of my neck. Kinda sharp- but sends shivers down my spine. "How does that feel?" "Interesting" he moves to the front of my neck and uses it along my collar bone and breasts. "You can use lots of different items around the house." Curiosity is killing me! "Like this screwdriver." he shows me hmmm- ok screwdriver. The list of household items I view differently is getting longer and longer. He goes back to looking for clapms! No! He comes back- he notices some things he brought. Sorry, I'm a girl and I totally am blanking on what the name of what it is he used. Oh no! He sits down so he's straddling me while I brace myself for agony! He puts it on my nipple- ok little painful! He asks- I tell him. He takes it off and pulls my hair so I'm looking at him. "I'm not here to cause you pain. I'm here to give you pleasure." Mmmmm- oh you sure do!


Kinky says "Awww- I forgot Mr. Stingy." Woo hoo! yeah- Mr. Stingy- the evil little paint stirring stick or whatever it is! Yes- there are a few household items now that I will never view the same. I will never be able to go into Lowe's or Home Depot and buy paint and when the sales clerk hands me a stir stick- I'll shuddder. Or go to a restaurant and see a salad fork and laugh! Yeah- last time we went to dinner I made some smart ass remark and Kinky said he would use the fork on me. He said he would steal it to prove his point. Ha ha! No you wont! Later that evening what does he pull out of his pocket? The fork! My fridge- Mmmm. Ok- so last little spanking session lets just say I never understood when someone said they could orgasm from spanking. Um- now I understand. I didn't but I came so close! Pushed up against my fridge! Now dining room chairs- yeah, whole new outlook. Next- one of my daughter's books! That is just wrong in so many ways ;) Kinky picks up a thin book and proceeds to smack my breasts and my thighs with the book. I admit- does sting a bit- but the actual sound of the impact is more daunting! Thwack! Holy Shit! Plus in an empty house with wood floors things echo. You are not sending me into sub space- I refuse! Not happening! I can control one thing right now and that is wy will! Mwahahahahaha! The legs I can handle- the chest, a little more tender! He stops- ok hold it together Mariposa, you got this- recover! Done!


Kinky grabs my hair and pulls my head back "Do you think you deserve your Masters cock?" Um- well considering I've been fighting you and talking back- I don't really know! I ask him if he thinks I do- I don't know if I've completely crossed the line or not! He pulls my hair again "I asked if you think you deserve it." Um, um- it this a trick question? Why not? "yes" "Do you want to be untied?" "Yes" "Yes what?" "Yes please?" "Yes please what?" Oh- now we're enforcing the Sir/Master thing?! I fight it- I like saying it but I fight it- I don't know if he wants me to use Sir or Master! I don't do Master! Well, maybe I would, but I'll fight you on it! So I say "Yes please Sir." "Hmmm- that'll do for now." He takes the cuffs off- phew! Those are some indents! He unties my torso as well. But he leaves my legs tied. He pushes me forward and lifts my shirt and smacks my back. Yikes! Tender! He smacks hard and fast- I will not enter sub space! I will not enter sub space! Dammit! He smacks my sides- that pushes me over the edge! I'm in a light form of sub space. I'm content- I just sit there silent while he unties my legs. Before he unties both legs he ties rope around my wrists and hooks the rope to his belt loop like a leash. What now? I just got my hands free! He finishes untying me and stands me up and takes me into the kitchen. He slams me against the wall. "oh, that's right! You like the fridge!" He slams me against the fridge. He takes the rope off his belt loop and ties it to the door handle of the fridge. He starts spanking me. Love, love, love spanking! He pulls down my pants and continues spanking me- "oh that's right you still have cold stuff in here!" He takes the rope off the handles and goes rummaging through my freezer. "No!" Even though I am very interested in sensation play- I figure I have to keep up the fight. It keeps me out of sub space and that's my main goal right now! He grabs an ice pack. Ok- cold! He sticks it on my ass. Then he spanks me a little more and a little more ice.


Kinky starts looking around again. What are you going to use next?! He finds a fly swatter! Thank God it's never been used! But I'm freaking inside- it just seems like it would do some damage! I start saying "No, no, no!" Thwack! Thwack! Stingy!!!! "oh- that side doesn't do anything. Let's try the handle." What? How do you know? Are you the one being swatted on the ass with it?! He hits me with the handle- OMG!!!!! Ok- that, that stings! It reminds me of that God awful thing they used on me at BaGG last time! For the first time ever playing with Kinky I'm thinking- "safeword? Should I use my safeword? No that will stop everything! Plus I'm fighting tonight and he wont get the satisfaction of me giving in!" Thwack! Thwack! FUCK!!!! He stops- whew! Survived that one. Ok- regain composure here Mariposa. He starts spanking me again. Too late- I don't know what it is but there is nothing than can make me submit like a bare hand spanking. It's not as intense as that swatter was or a paddle or anything- but for some reason you spank me with a bare hand and I'm gone. I'm not sure if it was the combination of the swatter then the spanking- but I was done- sub space. No more fight- I'm putty in your hands. He untied me from the fridge and ushered me back to the bedroom. I feel like a damn dog! He takes the rope and ties me to my treadmill!


Kinky pulls out my box of toys. Oh Lord! I don't even know what the hell is in there! It's been months and I mean MONTHS since those things have seen daylight. Also- I only personally bought one of those toys myself. The others have never been used and I didn't pick them out! They had not been used in forever because a vibrator can only please someone for so long with a sex drive like mine. After a while they just made things worse, not better! So I just put my toys away and suffered. You know how they say men think of sex every 10 seconds or something like that? Well- yeah I probably do as well! Plus- I turn into a 15 year old boy when I hear certain words. I'm forever having to tell my daughter now "swallow!" because she loves to swish milk around her mouth now! Everytime I say it I laugh inside "hehe you said swallow." Guess that's what happens when you grow up the only girl in the house and all your closest friends are guys. I don't get along with girls- too much drama! So of course a vibrator will only please for so long. I would have an orgasm and instead of feeling better I would be climbing the walls even more!


Kinky starts pulling out toys. "what's this?" Um- you don't want to know- but it's never been used and it surely is not going to be used today! He pulls out a Sharpie marker "Do I even want to know?" LOL- No! Goodness! "You never heard of people writing things on someones body?" Dammit! He gets up and pulls my shirt up and starts to write on me. OMG! Not again! What am I going to have to scrub off this time?! I can't make out the first thing he does- but then he writes across my chest S L U T. Then in bigger letters I think he writes P.E.N.I.S. on my stomach- I start cracking up. You meany! I totally forgot about him writing on me until later that evening when I was trying to fall asleep. I jumped out of bed and pulled up my shirt and looked in the mirror- nothing! You tease! You and your mind fucks! He goes back to my box of toys. He pulls out my favorite vibrator- No, no, no! I just always find it odd to have someone else use a toy on me. He uses the vibrator on me a little- oh God! Ok- huge turn on! He stops and goes back to the box of toys. I also have journals in there- no! Don't read those! OK- one is fine cause it's for my blog and that's actually decent writing- the other! Dear Lord! Close it now! It is my sad woeful divorce journal, right when I got back into writing again. So not only is it depressing as hell- it's BAD, HORRIBLE writing! He keeps flipping through it- oh come on! You really want to see how ridicuoulsly depressed I was back then? It's just sad! Oh- and then next writing exercises that no one should ever see! So now can we put away a part of my soul no one should ever see?!


I kneel down cause I'm embarrassed and tired. I'm waiting for him to say "stand up!" but he doesn't. He comes and stands in front of me "Well since you are already on your knees I don't have to tell you to kneel down." he pulls his pants down. My hands are still tied behind my back- ok, new one for me. Never performed oral without my hands. Should be interesting. After a while he unties my hands- I almost think I was doing better without hands! You have to work harder at things that way. Plus I like his hands in my hair when I'm doing that- yum! His phone rings- he answers! He looks at me like "hello! get back to work!" Alright- I do. Hmmm- he can't do anything while he's on the phone- hehe. I stop and I just run my hands and nails on his stomach, his legs. Give him a tiny nip- just anything but what he wants me to. He hangs up "Did I say to stop?!" No- but I felt like stopping :) "Now stand up and take off your pants and panties and then continue sucking my cock." I figure safer at this point to just follow directions- I think I've pushed far enough now. After a little more he tells me to get on my hands and knees.


Everytime- I don't know what it is but when he spanks me while we're fucking- no pain, not even a sting! It just feels great! Ohh and he scratched my back and my ass with his nails- my hair stood on end! Yeah- it's official. Vanilla sex- never again!!! Finally for once in my life I think I'm enjoying as much if not MORE than my partner! Instead of wondering- "are you done yet? I could be sleeping right now!" I am actually engaged the whole time! What a concept! All these years of boring sex- when all I have to do is have someone beat the shit out of me before they fuck me in order for me to enjoy it! I mean- who thought it could be so easy? ;) Also- that night I got the best nights sleep I've gotten in months! I guess I just have to be tied to a chair, tortured a bit and have my ass beaten in order to sleep through the night. Found an insomnia cure!!! So- so far, this experience and the experience at BaGG- well and after! Top 2! Hopefully this is opening the door to even more exciting times! Oh boy do I have some ideas and things I'd like to try!

Dirty Girl

Now that I have someone I trust to explore things with and that I have fully admitted that I am one kinky girl- the fun can truly begin! One thing I've found is that in the lifestyle your kinks, desires are always fluctuating/evolving. For one- there are so many different kinks out there that it seems you could explore forever and two- since I'm new I'm not sure what I'll like and dislike- so I say let's try em all! Well of course I have hard limits but I'm not going to shy away from something new- I want to explore. Honestly the things that I truly thought I had no interest in when I first entered the scene are actually some of my favorite things now- I enjoy more pain than I thought I would, breathe play, begging, biting, actually being called a slut or fuck toy (that one took a little getting used to- and I don't just let anyone call me a slut! If you did you would probably get bitch slapped or a swift kick to the family jewels! I may be submissive but I only submit to who I want)


Since there are so many different fetishes out there it only makes sense that you would find more and more things you wanted to try. So I thought about five that have really caught my interest lately, that I think could be fun. Some I've thought about for some time but was just embarrassed to mention- others are new interests. First one that has honestly been on my mind for quite a while is collar/leash lead. The first time I heard about this my immediate reaction was "oh hell no! I ain't no animal! I will kill you before you even think about getting close enough to put a damn collar around my neck! Let alone have a leash attached to it!" But then when I actually saw someone wearing one in person for the first time I thought "now that is fucking hot!" But it's something I never mention to my partners because there are so many different views on a collar. Some view it as binding as marriage vows, some view it as a symbol of ownership, some use it as a training tool, some use it for play purposes in the bedroom only, some use it for play purposes at events- or both bedroom and events. So I never mention it because I could be talking to someone that views a collar as ownership and I just mean for play purposes and they may freak and say "oh hell no! You want to be owned by me?! No not happening- get the hell out!" So I never mention that because there are as many views on a collar as there are colors in this world. We may have totally different views on collars and it creates a non existent issue so I just avoid that conversation. Personally- I see collars as ok for everything I listed. I don't think they are only for ownership; I think they are what the two agree on. Honestly I'm really, really interested in trying it- so of course I see them as being ok for play purposes- how else will I know if it's for me unless I try it first!


Another interest- I've thought about it before but not much. Lately I have been thinking more about it. I might- just for shits and giggles because I honestly know I would probably do a horrid job- I want to try my hand at domination. Just once- to be in the opposite role. Not only would it be fun- I would get a sense of what it takes to be a Dom and what it is like from that perspective. I think it would give me a better understanding of the dynamic. Also I think because from time to time even in a scene I get the urge to just fight back and instead of Kinky pinning me down I want to fight and pin him down and say "now who's in charge my kinky little boy?" But I'm the sub so I hold in that feistiness as well as I can. Maybe that's why I am so bratty most of the time. Hmmm- interesting. Not that I would want the control- no I'm a sub to the core; but from time to time I think it is fun to rough house and fight back. I like to be as rough as others are with me- think of it as angry sex! Yeah- it can be fun. So I'd like to fight but ultimately it would end with me submitting. But it would be fun just once to be the one in control and make Kinky crazy with need by teasing and with words like he makes me. Am I capable of it? Got me! I know deep down I may have a Domme side- it's just a question of whether or not I end up looking like a total fool in the process?


Another new interest- obedience training. As I said I am a sub pure and simple- so of course I want to be shaped into the perfect little sub I can be for my partner. I want to please with every action, every word. I want to be a walking, talking tool of pleasure. At times in a scene I feel like an untamed animal that needs to be reeled in. Smack me and say "pay attention!"- goldfish brain always getting in the way. Oooh- something shiny! Oh- sorry I forgot I was supposed to be submitting! I can't make decisions because the whole time I'm thinking- "well, what do YOU want me to do because this is about pleasing YOU, not me! How do I know how to please you at that moment unless you give me some hint, some insight on what would please you most at the moment?" Needs and wants change- so if I were to say hug and kiss you but in the back of your mind you really want me to suck your cock- I'm not doing what pleases you most in that moment! I can't read minds! Kinky always says explore and figure out what I like. Well I have but that still doesn't tell me at that particular moment what you want most! It's not that I don't have a brain or can't think for myself- it's that I want to do everything in my power, every moment for it to be the best experience it can be every time. I don't want my partner to leave being unfufilled- I want to please as much as I can.


Of course- due to my stubborn nature- if I were given command after command I would probably fight tooth and nail at first and not give in; but I would ultimately give in- but isn't that part of the fun? ;) I may be strong willed but it's not because I don't want to please- believe me I do! I live to please- but I view my stubborness as a way to test just how dominate you are. Since I'm so strong willed in my everyday life I want to know you are even more stong willed than I am because you have to be in order to be in a dominating position with me. See I like VERY dominate men. If you're going to dominate me- really dominate me! Put me in my place- show me who's in charge! Whatever way you see fit in putting me in my place- do it. Train me to be your perfect little slut. Teach me exactly what it is that pleases you. Because every Dom/Master is different- so shape me to your liking. Another thing I freaked about before was addressing someone as Sir- I thought "this is not the 19th century! I will not give someone a title!" But God! Now when I play and I answer yes or no questions I've been thinking "yes just doesn't do it justice. It shows I'm listening, but it doesn't show I'm submitting to his will." It just seems a "yes Sir" would be more fitting. Reaffirming I am giving him control. Just as if I were trained to act according to how he wants me to- it affirms I am the sub and want to please.


One thing that I have been interested in ever since I can remember- actually the one thing that drew me to BDSM is bondage. I'm not talking light bondage you can slip out of if you really want to- silk scarf so it doesn't hurt my poor little wrists or ankles- I've done that and it just doesn't cut it. I'm talking tie me up, down, whichever way you want so I have no way of getting away and I'm completely at your mercy. God- that's a big turn on! I love being pinned down so it's only fitting I would want to be tied up, bound so all physical control is taken away. See if you are pinned down it's more a mental thing- which I enjoy just as much- you have me pinned but it's still my choice to just let you pin me and not try and fight you to get out- but rope, chain etc. that bit of control is taken away and you are completely at the others mercy. HOTNESS!!!! Total domination! Fucking Hot!!! Oh, did I mention I like rope? Or that I like to be dominated like you would not believe? Yeah- I totally do! I better move on to something else because just the thought of bondage is getting to me!


Another thing that interests me is orgasm control. For one- the control aspect again and two- I honestly don't know if I believe this shit or not! I would have to experience it myself in order to believe it. I do enjoy orgasm denial as well- but I'm speaking of orgasm control now. People have said "Oh, I had this girl trained to where I just said a word and no matter where we were, waht we were doing it would make her orgasm. We could be eating dinner and I could say the word and she'd orgasm immediately." Ok- I call shenanigans! I mean alright- it might be possible, not saying it's completely immpossible but prove it! Wouldn't that be awesome?! If you could just whisper lets say "flower" in the middle of grocery shopping and all of a sudden your hanging onto the cart for dear life while trying to regain composure and not let anyone know you just orgasmed from the word flower? "oh God! Not again!" hehe The few I've talked to that have stated such things say it takes months to train a person to and also a lot of commitment for both parties- say it could even take over a year to be able to. But honestly I think that would be awesome and totally hilarious at the same time to orgasm from just a word!


The next one I am interested in is again for the control factor. I know I've said before that I don't like begging but the more I think about it- it could actually be fun. Just the few times that I've had to ask Kinky permission to do something- and I had to ask nicely and say please- just that was a turn on! So to actually have to beg for something might be exciting! The stubborn part of me may fight and think "like hell you're getting me to beg!" But when I actually have to say please and ask permission for things it excites the hell out of me!


Oh- I forgot one more! As I said before I like to rough house every once in a while. Ever since I saw Mistress Trinity at Citadel- I didn't realize how much I like the struggle and rough play. The second I saw her yelling at her sub and flogging the shit out of his back- and then he got up and fought back- she came at him harder! Ooooooh! I was speechless! Mmmmm! I thought "what I wouldn't give to be on the receiving end of that!" My God! For some reason play like that just excites me. I'm sure my eyes were the size of saucers and my jaw hit the floor. The tension, the excitement between the two of them- you could just feel it in the room. Not saying I want every play session to be rough and tense- but oh boy- would it be fun to do that every once in a while. Lucky me I did get a little taste of Mistress Trinity and her flogger and paddle. I can honestly say that is the first time I thought " I don't give a damn if she is male or female- I just know I want her!!!! She can do whatever the hell she pleases to me and I would willingly let her because she is fucking hot!!!" So yes- I don't mind to be dominated by a woman- but if I am- it has to be one strong willed hard core bitch and a fucking hot one at that for me to submit to a Domme.


So lets really begin this journey shall we?! Kinks- yeah, trying to figure out some cutesy new nickname and it's totally not working :) Kinky- you say we can take it as slow as I want- well, considering I trust you completely now- I'd say bring it!!! I know as a Dom people worry about pushing the sub too far- too much out of their comfort zone. Honestly- when it comes to play- it would take a whole lot to push me out of my comfort zone- and if I am, that's why I have a safe word! No biggy! I'm not going to let one thing upset me and fly off the handle- I trust you and I know you would never intentionally hurt me mentally or physically. Yes I have hard limits- but at the moment everything else is open for exploration! So play! Play hard! You had said before that when it comes to play and I am with you or none of my other partners- if and when I do have others- are not present that I am yours. Alrighty! Let's get this party started! I am perfectly fine with that- I actually love that! So yes- when I am with you during play- I am yours. I give over full control to you- so do with me as you please. I am here to serve and be the good little girl you want me to be ;) But of course- I may give you some trouble from time to time- but you already know that. Just as you said- we started this journey together- and I would also consider you a primary - so any time I play with someone else I would definately take your feelings into consideration just as you do mine. I am very picky when it comes to who I am willing to play with- I learned my lesson!! So I may not play with others a lot. At the moment- no one tickles my fancy- well actually we know about the boy crush- but other than that hehe. But I will always think of our dynamic first and how it would effect our connection because I'm having too much fun at the moment and I do care about your feelings just as you care about mine.

Is Submission A Gift?

Submission- to yield or surrender (oneself) to the will or authority of another.


I have been waiting a long time to write this post. This has actually been on my mind since I first started my blog. I wanted to write not only about my experiences but ask thought provoking questions and touch on different topics to do with BDSM. My blog to me is not just a diary of my experiences- I want it to touch people and make them think. I want to hear others opinions on things as well. I have to say I am glad I waited until now to discuss submission because I honestly only realized about two months ago what submission truly is. Excuse me if I get long winded, but as I said this has been on my mind for a long time and it is something I am very passionate about and I want to take the time to truly explain myself. I know a lot have an issue with the word "gift" when it comes to submission so that is why I put it out there. Is submission a gift or not?


I understand there are many outlooks on what submission truly is. I can only state what I think submission means. I'm not speaking for every sub or Dom out there. I have come across many now in the lifestyle and I have received completely different answers from every single person on what submission is. I don't think there is a right or wrong answer- I think we all just see submission from a different perspective. That is why there are so many different dynamics out there between Doms and their subs. Also that is why I think it is so important to find one that views it the same way as you or else you could end up in a situation that makes you completely unhappy or even hurt.


I think there are two separate parts to submission. There is physical submission and there is mental submission. I think the majority only focus on the physical aspect of things. Not saying there is anything wrong with that- just that most of what we do is only physical submission. Like open play at a dungeon- that is just physical submission. A lot of us participate in this and I'm included in that. It can be fun but that to me is not true submission- that is just play. Physical submission is not what drew me to D/s in the first place. Honestly I think it is much easier for someone to submit physically than mentally- look at it as superficial submission. Sorry if that upsets some but if you think about it- it is. It's much easier to find a play partner- say I like this, this and this and my safeword is _____. I like being called slut and I like humiliation and hair pulling. That's mechanical, it's superficial, to me that is not true submission- that is just fun. Anyone can call you a slut and humiliate you as long as you trust them enough to play. You go through the motions- check off things on a checklist "oh, he pulled my hair, check. He called me a dirty little slut, check. spanking, check." They're only giving you what you want physically. They don't know the reason behind the things you like- just like if they were to punish you for not following directions- they're not punishing you for anything but to correct a physical error. It's not because you did something to disappoint them- it's not mental at all. I know a lot like it just that way and they don't want it to be anything besides physical- but not me. To me it seems it is much easier to submit physically to someone. Plus- so many out there are in the lifestyle for just that reason that the true meaning of submission is forgotten.


I talked to a Dom a while back and now that I think about it- it makes sense. He had said that all the subs he came across that came into the lifestyle in their mid 20s tend to be more serious about D/s- it's more of a mental thing- about connection. Where as women who are younger just tend to go for it from the beginning and don't think, are not wishy washy on if they are truly submissive- they just go! It makes sense for two reasons- one: more hormones when you are younger so it's more of a sexual connection than a mental connection and two: I think girls at a younger age are less sure of themselves and think if they do whatever a guy tells them to do, dresses in skimpy clothes- is kinky and out there- people will think more highly of them. They think they have to prove themselves worthy. As women age, or just people in general, I think the older you get the more self aware and secure you become. So the older you get it becomes about more of a mental connection than just physical. So when you enter D/s as an older person- it's a question of whether you want to give up mental control instead of if you just want someone to be rough with you and call you names. Needless to say- that is where I am at in my life and that is how I personally view submission. I'm not just in it for physical gratification- if I was I would submit to anyone! No- I am in it for more of a mental connection- I have to trust the person and respect the person to submit to them. When I first entered the lifestyle I tried just the physical aspect of things and it was not satisfying at all! I met with play partners I hardly knew- just knew their kinks and they knew mine and we played and that was it. No mental connection- just physical- it was boring as all hell.


I'm not into D/s for the reason a lot of girls are into it. I have come across numerous girls that are in the lifestyle because they think they don't deserve respect and should be treated as a sex object. They don't have self esteem, they have been taken advantage of in their life and think they are less than. That is not me at all. Yes I have been taken advantage of in my life and for that reason have some self esteem issues but I don't view myself as less than- I know I still deserve respect as a person. Let me clarify- I'm not saying all subs have self esteem issues- not that at all, but that so many do that Dom's I think are so used to it now. Myself- I'm not in the lifestyle due to self esteem issues or because I think I'm less than. I know I am a person and I am equal with everyone. I'm not stupid and I don't "need to be put in my place" as a woman. I am very capable of taking care of myself and want to take care of myself. I am very independant- I'm not looking for someone to make every decision for me because I can't think for myself. I have a brain and I use it. No- I am in the lifestyle for different reasons. I submit because I enjoy that feeling. Instead of feeling less than when I submit- it gives me strength knowing I am making the decision to let another take control. I like to know I can please by doing what they ask of me. Knowing I pleased them and no one else because I gave them my trust and respect and let them take control. It takes two for the D/s dynamic to work- so I do believe that submission is a gift. But I also believe dominance is a gift as well. The submissive willingly gives up control and the Dominant willingly accepts the control. As a Dom you can't make someone submit just as a sub you can't make someone take control: it's a choice by each party. So it takes both the Dom and the sub for the dynamic to work.


I'm not looking to be degraded- I'm looking to please and for guidance, understanding, respect. I want to connect with one I look up to, trust to make good desicions for both of our well beings, one I can ask advice if I need it- not one that just likes to be in control of everything cause they're on a powerr trip. One that treasures my submission as much as I treasure their decision making and confidence. I talked to a Dom once that said he expected his sub to only care about his pleasure and nothing else. If his sub thought about her pleasure her mind was in the wrong place because she was not thinking of his pleasure first. He wanted to be thanked when he called his sub a dirty little bitch and when he punished them. This to me sounds like someone on a power trip. First- I'm sorry but it's just not my thing to be called a dirty little bitch- or be put down. He asked me "has anyone ever called you a bitch in a good way?" How can I view that as being a good word in any way? This is the definition of bitch- a lewd or immoral woman. A malicious, spiteful or overbearing woman. You want me to thank you for calling me a lewd, immoral, malicious, spiteful woman? How can that be viewed as good in any way? It can't be! So why would I want you to call me a bitch let alone thank you for calling me a lewd, immoral woman? Sorry, I think more highly of myself than that and would hope you do as well. Just as why would you want me to thank you for punishing me for doing something wrong? I can understand saying I'm sorry and I learned my lesson but to thank you for the actual punishment? No- I have standards. Just because I'm submissive does not mean I am in any way shape or form less worthy of respect than any Dom is- I am willingly giving you the control and trusting you to cherish it and take care of me- just as I cherish your control and take care of you.


Now back to the difference between physical submission and mental submission. As I said before physical submission is much easier and less deep than mental submission. With the trust that this person will not hurt you physically and a safe word- you're good to go. You have that safeword as a safety net- you can stop at any time. But when it comes to mental submission- that is a completely different type of submission. It's on its own level. I don't want to compare it to love because I don't think you need to be in love in order to submit mentally to one. But I think they both take a lot of the same aspects in order for it to happen. To submit mentally you have to trust that person completely. You have to be open and communicate with that person, you have to respect that person. Sorry to say it but yes- submission is a lot like love in the regard that it takes more than just a physical connection for someone to submit mentally. You have to be willing to let that person in, become close to the person, get to know them and what makes them tick. That takes a lot of energy and time and willingness for both parties. To me it is not fufilling fo just do something because someone tells me to. I want to know why. I want to know why and how it pleases the person, what is on their mind while I am doing it. I want to know the thought process behind things. Would it mean more if lets say someone were to get a bouquet of lilies and they had no idea they were your favorite flower? They just happen to guess and chose your favorite flower? Or know that the person went out and knew your favorite flower was lilies and went to a couple different florists to find liles knowing you would be ecstatic because they remembered it was your favorite and took the time to search for them? It's the THOUGHT behind the action that is most rewarding- not the action itself- am I right? I think so. So of course it's more rewarding knowing why and how someone wants you to follow their rules.


I would like to know how others view submission- do you view it as a gift? Or are most only interested in the physical aspect of things? Or do you think women should submit because that is their place in life? I really am interested in hearing others thoughts on this topic. Feel free to comment- please I love comments!

When Is Enough- Enough?

I think I've played enough now to figure something out about myself. Most- when they think of a submissive- they think someone who gives control willingly to another; one who lives to please. Most want a sub they "train" to act how they want- no questions asked. Just to behave and do as your told the first time. Now I love to submit and I wouldn't, couldn't have it any other way. I love to be dominated and there is no way in hell I would ever want to dominate another. But a lot of people have said to me "you're not a true submissive if you always misbehave and don't follow rules and commands." Yes I admit I like to misbehave and push buttons- does that still make me submissive? Does that make me a bad submissive and will one get fed up with my unwillingness to do things the first time I'm asked? I know every dynamic is different between partners but it seems I am in the minority in my thinking and most want a sub that is a "good little girl" and does what she's told 24/7.


I like to hear someone repeat themselves and push me before I ultimately give into their demands. I do get in my moods where I am the perfect little subbie but 9 times out of 10 I like to be bratty. Does that make me a horrible sub? Or less of a sub? I can't help it! To me it is boring if I follow every command and give in no questions asked. To me that is not stimulating. No- I like to pause and not answer when I'm asked a question so my hair will be pulled a little harder or spanked a little rougher. I like a rough touch and I like to be pushed out of my comfort zone a little. I like when someones words get a little more harsh and demanding with each time they repeat themselves. My question is, when is enough- enough? When does it cross the line and become a problem? Does it get annoying to my partner to always have to push me for me to give in and submit? I honestly wouldn't have it any other way. If I just follow commands no questions asked I feel like I'm not even taking part in the scene. I feel like a ragdoll, a stand in- anyone could submit to demands. It's not stimulating for me at all unless I put up a little fight. Plus I live for that little rush I get when I'm standing there waiting, wondering what will happen if I don't submit right away. What can my partner come up with next? How far is he willing to push me? Is that wrong of me?


I feel the only way I can take part in a scene and stimulate my partners mind as much as they stimulate mine is if I fight a bit. As I said it is more a mental thing for me. Just as I like to be kept on my toes- I like to keep my partner on their toes by fighting back a little so they have to come up with new ways to get me to submit to their will. Does that make me less submissive because I want to have some form of control in a scene? Some Dom's I have talked to say it is actually the sub that has all the control. At first I thought- how the hell is that possible? As a sub you give your control to another to use you however they see fit. The Dom is the one that decides what to do and when to do it. The Dom makes the decisions and punishes or pleases when they want to- so how is the sub the one in control? Now I get it! The sub is the one that sets the limits. The sub has a safeword that will stop a scene. The sub WILLINGLY gives up control. You have to be willing to hand over that control for it to even be a D/s dynamic. If not- there would be no such thing. But- it takes both a Dom and a sub for it to work.


So to me- I feel the way I can please is to show my WILLINGNESS to submit. That is the only "control" I have in a scene. For me it is a huge gift (I know a lot of people have a problem with that word, but whatever) to give my submission to someone. Even though I like to submit and am a very kind and giving person- I am very headstrong and love control in my everyday life. So I tend to fight, fight, fight in the beginning of a scene and then once I get in the groove and get more relaxed with someone I give over more and more control. I'm not one that will just submit to anyone- so for me to submit to you- I do view it as a gift because it takes a strong willed person that I trust and care for in order for me to submit completely. So when I fight in the beginning it is because when I do give in I feel like that is me saying "alright. I give in- I am giving you my all to please you by giving up my control. So do with me as you will because my willingness to do anything to please YOU is my gift to you." Also I think when I fight in the beginning and finally do submit to your will that is more rewarding than just submitting from the beginning because I think it shows I am willing to submit to YOU, not just anyone- YOU. I think that is more fufilling than someone who will just submit to anyone who claims to be a Dom. I think if you "earn" my submission it is more fufilling for both. Am I completely wrong in my thinking here? Personally I don't think so.

Kinkier Everyday

Did I just win the kinky lottery or what?! My God!!!! I am insanely happy right now and I honestly can't say why. I am actually very confused because I've been told by society and due to my upbringing to feel a certain way about things- but I feel the total opposite! I'm just having a hard time wrapping my brain around these new emotions. I am still trying to tell myself it is ok to be alright with these things! It's ok to like the things I like and I am not alone in my feelings. This world is filled with people that feel the same way I do. I don't need to feel alone and like a freak anymore because of these thoughts and feelings. I need to just give in and embrace them so I can finally let go and just be me- completely- without being embarrassed. I'm the only one holding myself back- no one else. I need to stop worrying if my ideas and thoughts are too crazy to mention out loud or try and just do it. I think I am ready to do that finally.


So Kinky told me a little about his play session with his new play partner- I'm not mentioning anything about the session because that is not my story to tell. I'll just say that instead of feeling upset or jealous like most probably would since I can say now I do care for Kinky- I was ecstatic! The more he told me and the more I saw how happy he was- the more excited I got! I was like a kid who saw Santa for the first time- I was in awe! I was like "wait! Let me comfy!" Snuggle all under my covers- turn the TV off- give you my full atttention, get a pen and paper out and take notes- just kidding. "OK- now I'm ready. Spill it!!!!" I just kept thinking how happy Kinky was and I think I was as excited as he ws about everything- and I'm happy Hottie Patottie was able to have so much fun. Told you you were in for a treat ;) The only negative feeling I had was that I wish I could have been there to see all the fun! Also that I want to try some of the things they did- but I know my time will come- this wat Hottie's time! I didn't have any jealousy or spiteful feelings- I was in heaven!


Another reason I'm so happy is I love the fact that the communication is so open between us all! Instead of feeling like an outsider or that I'm forgotten about I feel like we are all in this together and in it for the same reason- fun! Yes I know that we each have our own connection with Kinky but it's hard to explain- I feel connected to Hottie just by hearing about her experiences and we have a common bond now- Kinky. Plus I'm pretty sure we are all pretty new to the scene if I remember correctly. Too much? Oh well! That's how I feel. I love to hear about their experiences and I'm glad Hottie is interested in our experiences. Also- this is so fucking hot- Hottie wants to watch Kinky and I play! Mmmmmm! She said she'll even take pictures. At first I thought- oh no way in hell!!!! No one is taking pictures of my big white ass! Sorry- insecurities, trying to work on them. But if people seem to think my ass is not that bad maybe I need to start listening and have a little more confidence- so bring it! I'd love to see since I don't get to watch when I'm in a scene- take pics!!! Hell- I'd even like to watch Kinky and Hottie play sometime too :) Oh and yes Hottie- from what I've seen so far you are sexy hehe. Which says a lot because I don't often come out and say when I find a woman attractive and also because I'm pretty picky when it comes to women. Of course- men totally do it for me- but it's not often that I find a woman attractive. So yeah- I'll admit when a woman is hot.


Did I just go off the deep end?! Who is this woman that has taken over my mind?! My God!!! No- this is just me and I'm finally admitting and accepting my kinky side! So- yipee, yipee, yipee! I'm so excited to continue on this journey and not only try new things but delve deeper and find out more about my true self.

Poly Heaven

I have a dream! A dream that one day... well I do have a dream but it's not inspirational. A dream that a lot will not understand one bit but I don't give a damn! First off- side note. I'm sorry Kinky and hmmm- what should I call Kinky's new play partner? Hottie Patottie- cause she is! I'll admit when a girl is attractive hehe. Kinky and Hottie- I'm very sorry for my outburst in my last post. I am still new to all this and it is my own insecurities that cause the issues. Also because it came out of nowhere and I was totally not expecting it. I have no problem at all with Kinky having another play partner- I'm actually happy! I am happy knowing it makes him happy and I'm glad others get to explore with such an awesome play partner- he really is! I just let my own insecurities of not feeling adequate and pretty enough get to me from time to time. It was in no way shape or form meant to hurt either of you or make you feel bad in any way! I was just voicing my concerns at the time. Play, explore, have the time of your fucking life because everyone deserves to. Hell- I'd love to hear the adventures you two have- just not right after a play session Kinky :) At dinner? Sure! Hanging out? Great! Before a play session? No problem! Just not when I want to know how I made you feel during our play session- that is my time! But any other time feel free to discuss anything- I love kink and that is is why I enjoy my time with Kinky so much- we can talk about anything! Oh and Hottie Patottie- pst: two things- if there is anything in my blog that gets to you let me know, honestly. Second- you chose a great person to explore with. He is kind and considerate and adventurous. Plus you are really in for a treat let me tell you! :)


So- I have a dream.... fantasy, mirage whatever the fuck you want to call it. Poly Heaven!!!!!! Ahhhhh! Am I going straight to hell for including those two words together? Probably- but fuck it! I'm having too much fun! Let's call it Operation P.H. shall we? Ok- too far? Meh- who cares. What is Operation P.H. you ask? My ultimate fantasy when I first learned about the poly lifestyle when I was a teen. Say what?! yes- lets just describe it as a poly household. That to me would be fucking awesome! To have a whole group, friends, play partners, whatever- that all have an understanding and it's just a free for all! Huh? Damn right it would be awesome! Boys, girls, everyone lets join hands and sing!!!! Menage, orgies, boys on boys, girls on girls, boy on girl on boy on girl on boy on girl- what am I Dr. Seuss now? But what would be the best part of it all? The support, knowing you have others that understand where you are coming from. The love! The understanding! The... pleasure! Well a girl can dream.


I'm know I'm not the only one out there that is into that type of thing so don't judge people! You're kinks are probably way worse than mine! hehe I think that is why I enjoyed BaGG so much. It was like a free for all of spanking! Except- I think I was the only sub there. Everyone was exchanging spankings. Um no- I don't do the spanking- I live to be spanked!!!! But go ahead all! It was hilarious and a joy to watch actually. Also- Kinky's friends I met- it was like a close knit group and they all just seemed to be comfortable and open with everypone in their little group. Awesome! I felt like a little nerdy girl on the outside like "What do I have to do to get in the club? Do I have to audition ot something? I want in!!!" No- I don't just screw anything that walks! I am one that has to have that established trust in order to play- but once I trust you- go to town! Also- public play, little more lax. Like when Kinky and I went- if he trusted the person enough to say "spank Mariposa." I would trust him enough to not have some crazy ass sadist have his way with me. So public play a little different.


Oh- another tangent. Yeah Kinky- you want me to have to use my safe word? You are going to have to try a lot harder Sir. Implements you say? Bring it! Flogger? My favorite! Also- crops- God! I saw this video with one being used and I sooooooooo want to try it. Restraints? Mmmmmm! Rope? Dear Lord! I can't wait, I can't wait, I can't wait!!!!! What was I posting about again? Sorry I get going on kink and I just fly off the handle. Oh right- poly! Yeah- you get it- I was born in the wrong era. Free Love!!! To most- especially in the lifestyle I can come across as very closed off and not willing to try ANYTHING! I'm just a very shy person- but all you have noooo idea of the dark, sadistic, twisted fantasies that go through my head. Many I honestly am embarrassed to admit. That is exactly why I am not posting them on here! But if I did I would finally hear the words I've been wanting to hear forever- "damn girl!! You're a freak!" That's right! Only a few will ever get to see just how much of a freak I really am though. The rest of you can just sit and wonder. Sooooo- Operation P.H. possible? Maybe- you never know. For now- come on people and let your freak flags fly high!!!

Real Thoughts

Ugh! I hate insomnia- but I have so many things running through my head right now. Possible issue- OK R, please just don't even mention this post. I don't want to address this issue and I don't want to hear what you think I should feel about this subject and blah blah. I just have to voice it and move on. I can't sleep- why well one: I was just told something that I didn't think would upset me in the least but am sad to find out it kind of does upset me. I mean I'll get over it but right now I am pretty sad.


I know I'm not one that can totally satisfy a person- plus I know that it is hard for me to find one person that fits all my needs. I just didn't expect things to happen so suddenly. I feel like as soon as I really started to connect with Kinky- and I finally really start to open up and get very comfortable- something is thrown into the mix I didn't expect! Lately since BaGG it seems I have not been holding Kinky's interest as much. That to me kind of sucks because it takes me a long time to open up completely to a person and I feel now I can't. I feel like there is something in the way. Yes I understand we are poly- I'm not saying I'm not but it is odd to me that only one other person was mentioned before that he had a connection with and then all of a sudden out of nowhere- here comes news of another girl I have heard nothing about- oh and he seems less interested in me when we do play!


But the real reason I am upset is because of something that happened tonight. I felt as if I am competing for time with this girl and that I don't hold his interest. I have no issues with being poly- Kinky can play with whoever, whenever he wants. We are not in a committed relationship and I am fine if he plays with others- I have no claim on him. But- when you are with me, be with me. I don't want to hear about how much you can't wait to spank someone else's little ass after you just fucked me. I want to hear if I did for you! Not how someone else is going to do it for you later on in the week. I understand you are excited to get to play with someone new and I know how it can take up a lot of your thinking- it's like a new toy. You always are fascinated with the newest toy you have. The others that you have had for a while kind of get pushed to the back for a bit. I understand that- I just didn't expect it so quickly ater we started to really connect. I feel kind of cheated honestly.


I am one that concentrates on one connection at a time. Also- I am one that doesn't connect with a lot of people. I am very choosy and I will only open up to a select few. If I'm just starting to connect with someone- I don't want to bring another into the mix until I have really established where I lie with the other person. Now I feel I can't do that because this other girl is taking up Kinky's time with me. I spent a lot of last night hearing about this girl. I don't mind hearing about her but to me it seemed like he would have rather been with her than me at the moment and I don't like feeling that way. I don't mind talking of others, hell I wouldn't mind being friends with this girl- but sorry- when I am with an individual- it is Mariposa time! Call me greedy- but you concentrate on me! You still feel a connection to me? Show me and stop wondering about your new toy! If that is the case- I don't want to play for a while until you get her out of your system a bit and can go back to giving me your all when you are with me. I came back from vacation wanting to actually open up to Kinky a bit more and had a few questions for him on our connection and then out of nowhere "Hey- yeah, so want to be listed as play partners on fetlife? Oh by the way- there is another too. I ask because she asked if she could list me as a play partner so I figured I'd better add you too." Ok- well, that explains the distance after such an awesome night at BaGG- I thought there was something wrong with me! No- nothing wrong with me- I haven't changed. I was wanting to come back after vacation and sit down and actually discuss what the fuck we are and where we are going but then I am hit with this out of nowhere!


I'm only upset because- fine call me greedy, call me what you will- but I want my time just like everyone else. That is the only reason I am upset. I feel that I now do not have my time and the attention I need to have a fufilling experience. Also- R and something Kinky said last night kind of upset me. They both mentioned how busy I am because I'm a Mom. Also- Kinky told me to go home to my daughter. Ok people- I am a grown adult and I can do whatever the fuck I want and stay out as late as I want. Just because I'm a Mom does not mean that I can't have time for myself. I put my child first yes- but don't mention it and tell me to go home and take care of my daughter and then spend half of the night with me talking about some other girl. That is not fufilling. That does not show me you want to spend time with ME. Thas shows me your mind is somewhere else and I feel you would rather be with that other person at the moment and do not appreciate the time you spend with me. If that is the case- no problem. Just tell me and I'll let you be for a while. If you don't want to take the time out of your day and would rather be with another- go spend the time with them then. It makes me feel like I'm just a stand in for the time being. I don't like that. Concentrate on me and not another. That is my only issue. Also- I have had maybe 2 hours of sleep and I get a little cranky when I don't sleep so it might be worse also just because of that factor hehe. But last night I did feel like I was competing for time and I don't like that feeling.

Welcome Home!

After being in a kid friendly environment for almost a whole week I was about to pull my hair out! Don't get me wrong- I love being a Mom but for God's sake my kinky side can only stay hidden for so long people! I need adult time dammit! Lord! If I have to say "Don't pick your nose!" or "Let's go potty." one more time I'm gonna go postal! I need to talk about cocks and balls and spankings and oral and sex!!!! Sex! Sex! Sex! Mmmmmmmmmmm! Ok- I think I got some of it out of my system.


I just spent a week at Disneyland- the happeist place on earth. For who?! Maybe a 3 year old! But the happiest place on earth for me would involve naked men and women walking around freely and groping! Hell- cuff me to a St. Andrew's Cross and flog the hell out of me- that would be a happy fucking place! But I'd settle for a spanking anyday! Alright! I admit it! I am now a spank junkie. I'm a sex junkie- well nothing new there- we all know I have a sex drive that would make a rabbit look celibate. But spanking and biting and scratching and hair pulling and being pinned down- God! The more I have it the more I want! I'm not only a spankaholic- I'm a D/s aholic in general. Especially after the experience at BaGG- I'm a freakin addict. I'll be completely honest with you all- my whole evening from beginning to end- the drive to BaGG, meeting everyone, the bonding with Kinky, the public spanking and the end of the night- all together the best experience I have had since I started playing. I had so much fun and I enjoyed every minute. I felt so comfortable the whole time and felt more like myself. I want to feel that way everyday! So after an experience like that- which I really consider a turning point in my outlook on D/s in general- I didn't really want to leave town on vacation- I wanted more dammit!


I often wonder if I just think about D/s too much or if others are constantly reminded of it during the day. Sometimes I feel like that's all I ever think of now- but honestly as a sub I guess we just naturally think of it more because we are the ones who's ass is bruised so everytime we sit for the next couple days we are reminded of the experience by the sting- or by the bruises left on my arms and my tender neck from bites aches everytime my shirt brushes against it. Also I have rules to remember each day so I guess it's no wonder my mind is always on D/s. Oh- and considering how many hours I spend a day writing for my blog- yeah, I think about it a lot. I wonder if Dom's are reminded or as mindful of it as subs are daily. Or is it more just when they are in a scene? Of course, in my opinion anyways, subs should always be aware of their "place". To me D/s is more about mental connection and not just a physical thing. Anyone can use a paddle; Anyone can make me have an orgasm (well- I would hope they know how!) But if there is no mental connection there- boring!!!! If I'm not challenged mentally the whole time- I get bored very fast. To me D/s is a mental connection more than anything. Most my age don't view it that way- they just like the sexual part of it- but to me it's not just sex- it's trust and connection. The sex is an afterthought- a benefit. So I like being reminded during the day; I like to be mindful of my place- I enjoy it.


Anyways- where was I? Sorry- I went off on another tangent. Vacation, right! I enjoyed myself but I was happy to be home. Friday I was in one hell of a bratty mood- I get like that sometimes. So I texted Kinky a few messages just because I could. I wanted to see how far I could push. I told him "ha! there's nothing you can do about it because you're not here." Like I said I'm a spankaholic so I was trying to push him so next time we met I had a few punishments coming my way, hehe. He texted me back "meet me at your place after work." Mwahahahahaha! My evil plan work- wait, what?! Today?! Trouble- I'm in big trouble! He'd asked me earlier what kind of panties I was wearing- well I have boring cotton bikinis and then I have my cute panties. That morning I put on some boring panties, pulled on a pair of jeans, put my hair in a ponytail, no makeup- screw it! I'm not trying to impress anyone at work. Lesson #552- always be prepared to see Kinky at any time- that includes cute panties, hair done and preferably girly clothes or else you are in trouble- especially for the panties! Note to self- get rid of boring cotton panties- STAT!


Why do my plans always backfire? I'm thinking I have time to prepare and store up some punishments but no! Now not only have I gotten myself in trouble again by mouthing off- but I have broken Kinky's rule! I'm not dressed accordingly! Fail! It's not like I could say "yeah- that time really doesn't work for me, can we reschedule to sometime next week?" It's not a freakin dental appointment! It's an appointment for my ass to get one hell of a beating! On the way home I'm thinking "Great! What kind of punishment have I gotten myself into now?!" He texts me- "how's the drive?" I can't help myself that day. I'm in a bratty mood and I just want to push buttons. I figure, well I'm already in trouble- why not push him a little mroe?! Let's see what you got! I text back "Oh horrid! I'm on my way to meet an evil man that shows no mercy!" "Well the longer you make him wait the more it will hurt." Ooooooh- is that a challenge Mister? "Maybe he needs to learn some patience. I'll get there when I want to!" He texts back "I am patient. It is just a question of what you will do to please me." Dammit! Using my subbiness nature to want to please against me. Fine! You win! "I'm trying my best."


As I'm driving I realize- Kinky probably knows me well enough by now that I'm pushing buttons so he will spank me- so as a punishment I'm betting I wont get spanked! I'll be lucky to just get a tap on my ass! My plans never work. I always sabotage myself. I'm expecting to have a few moments to gather my thoughts before he shows up at my house- but as I pull up to my house I notice his truck is already parked in front of my house- aw man! Oh and he's not sitting in his truck- he is waiting for me in the driveway! Gulp. Yes I know he would never do anything horribly wrong but he knows how to use scare tactics very well and he knows they always work on me. My mind is my worst enemy. I get out of my car- should I be happy to see him at this point or fearing for my behind? "Hello Miss. How was your day?" Well it was going great! Not really sure how it will end though. We get inside- I'm expecting him to shove me down on the ground or slam me against a wall or something- he's too calm! You're driving me crazy here! He always does the complete opposite of what I expect- you do that on purpose Kinky? I know you like to keep me on my toes but come on!


Kinky is just standing there talking, very calmly while my mind is racing through different scenarios. Also I'm distracted by the cuteness! What can I say? I have a thing for dark hair and blue eyes. I'm torn- I don't know if I should be waiting for the punishment or admiring the cuteness. I'm excited because I know I'm so close to getting the spanking I want- it's been over a week since the last one! Inside I'm jumping up and down "I'm gonna get a spanking! I'm gonna get a spanking! Yipee!" Or maybe I'm not- maybe that's my punishment- no spanking. He gives me a hug "I missed you."- well I missed him too. Very much so- I enjoy his company. We hug for a while- then I find myself pinned against a wall yet again- yummy! I like the feeling of his body against mine. Mmmmm- the whispering begins. "Did you miss my hands in your hair, pulling your hair? Did you miss my hand around your throat? My hand on your ass? Did you miss my cock in your tight pussy? Did you miss knowing your my slut? My fuck toy to do with as I please?" God you have no idea!!! Dammit- why does dirty talk get to me so much? He starts biting my neck and pulls down my shirt and bites my shoulders. Then he pulls away and sits down in a chair "get on your knees." Oh- ok, oral- always up for that :) "no lay across my lap" Wait, what? Huh? Oh- no, no, no! I am not 5- you are not turning me over your knee to spank me! Like hell I'll stand for that! Wait, wait! OMG- I am laying across his lap like a 5 year old!!! Spank! I am getting spanked over his knee! Spank! OMG! He hits my legs "let your legs go, I got you." No! I am not a child dammit! Let me get up! "Let your legs go!" He smacks my legs harder- alright alright! Spank, spank, spank! This is kind of humiliating! But then again- isn't that part of the draw to D/s? OK- go ahead. He lifts up my shirt and smacks my back- Yow! Totally unexpected! It's odd- your body gets used to a certain type of pain- like I can handle spankings a lot more that I used to be able to- but the back- not a place I'm used to yet so it's pretty tender. I'm not sure whether I should like it or not! Still undecided.


After a bit he tells me to get up. He leads me back to my room and tells me to lay down on my stomach- I do and he holds down my arms and starts spanking me- hard. He tries to pull my jeans down- No!!!!!Not a good idea- boring panties! He flips me over and takes his knee and holds my arm down- Yike! That's gonna leave a bruise! I still try and fight him- he pushes my arm down harder and grabs my hair and yanks "why are you fighting me?" "Because" "That's not an answer. We've already been over this! A shrug or because is not an answer- so why?" "They need to stay up." "Why?" I get an idea- hmmm. What will he do if I just refuse to answer? I sit there and look him in the eye like "make me answer. What you gonna do about it?" I wait to see- I guess he figured out my tactic because he just sits there and waits. Damn- nothing, that's what he's going to do because he knows I want a reaction out of him. Fine! I tell him and he says "well too bad- they're coming down anyways!" He flips me back over and pulls down my pants and spanks me- he gets my back a few times too. Then he turns me over again and shoves my arms down and smacks me on my stomach, ribs, chest. Ahhh! I can't help my reaction- WTF! You're hitting me?! I get mad for a minute- you violent son of a- wait, hehe. Hello! Isn't most of what we do considered hitting? Spanking is hitting- hell we even use instruments to make the blow have more impact! I've just never had anyone smack me on my stomach before and I guess it's just a natural reaction to want to protect your stomach from trauma. I can't help but tense up. Also in my mind I'm trying to figure out if this is a punishment or is it for enjoyment? I still honestly don't know if that is something I enjoy or not.


Kinky lays on top of me and says "I think I'll just lay here for a while." He literally lays on top of me- I sit there just waiting for him to make a move. Whatcha planning? You know- I could so take you! I'm strong! I try to pull out of his grip- nope. I keep trying- I could take you! Let's wrestle! I keep struggling- fine I guess I'm not going to win- as usual. I say "Fine! You win! Do what you want!" "Good- you finally learned if you just give in and let me be in control things actually happen." He bites my neck- oh God, I go crossed eyed- Mmmmm! Didn't know I liked biting so much. Seriously- you want me to shut up or just not able to think- bite my neck! It's my kryptonite apparently! He helps me stand up and leads me back out to the living room and tells me to sit down- what the hell do you have planned next?! Oh- we're just talking. Ok- hehe. But when he starts talking all I can think about the whole time is how I just want to jump on him and start making out!!! Like teenagers- rolling all over the floor, wrestle, get out some sexual frustration and stick our tongues down each others throats!!! Nope- he's done, we're just talking. Not the time :(


I just want to say it is nice to have someone to explore things with and I always feel safe and in a good place. It's nice to have someone to trust and you know you can be yourself completely and there's no pressure. I hope I can create the same environment for him as well. It's nice to just talk about whatever is on our minds. I don't judge and I know he doesn't- so it is nice to just speak my mind and I like to hear his thoughts as well. I have trouble trusting someone that much but I am glad that I have found one I can trust.

Sorry You're Mistaken- That's Not Me

So am I going to jump into the dark abyss and become a hermit again or am I going to actually live and experience life? Hell yeah I'm going to live!!!! I am having way too much fun to stop. I am on a road to finding myself again and I have never been more happy- ever. I realized what got to me yesterday- well it's a combination of things going on in my life right now. I am dealing with a lot of changes and big decisions in my life right now and I'm not one that does well under stress. I totally let it get to me. I know that and I'm trying to work on it. I always think it is good to learn your weaknesses and work on them so you can grow as an individual. That is what I strive to do everyday- be the happiest and healthiest I can be. Because you only live once and I want to stop letting things drag me down and actually live. I deserve it!!! What got to me yesterday? Well I am dealing with some stress in my personal life when it comes to family at the moment so anything could have pushed me back into my old habits of wanting to run and not face things. It's the straw that broke the camels back- and I never know what will trigger certain feelings. Also I didn't know I had been dealing with certain things in my life the way I have been dealing with them until I sat down and thougth about it.


I realized I have two parts to my life now. I have my kinky side and my friends that are into BDSM and then I have my "vanilla" friends and family life and work. I have subconsciously been keeping them totally separate. It's like I'm Superman- I am both kinky and I have my normal everyday life- my everyday clothes and my leotard and tights underneath- oh and the glasses of course, can't forget those- that's totally what throws people off! They will never recognize me as kinky Mariposa if I remember to take the glasses off. My outer layer is my normal life and underneath, hidden where no one can see is my kinky side. I hide my kinky side and when I want it to come out- I take off my normal everyday life layer. So yesterday R met my daughter for the first time. Uh oh! The two sides collide! My kinky side has just entered into my everyday life. Now part of my "kinky world" has met my domestic side. Yes we went to a kid friendly place and yes there was no discussion of anything kinky- well there was some, she's only 2 and a half she doesn't understand everything yet. But yet it was still odd because here I am as a Mother hanging out with a friend that is kinky like me and I have really only seen him in an adult setting- holding my child and pushing a stroller and making up ridiculous songs to sing and annoy the shit out of me!!!! I'n thinking "wait, wait- hold up here! You are not supposed to have a soft side Dude. You are a Dom and have always been a Dom in my presence- so you don't get to be all kid friendly with my friend. I mean for God's sake- you set rules for me and punish me by me taking pictures of my ass and chest and panties that you bought for me and have Domme's flog me! You don't blow bubbles with a 2 year old!"


I guess I have been living in two different worlds for my own peace of mind. I thought I had to hide my kinky side and am still ashamed of it a lot due to my family being so close minded. But I realized I shouldn't have to hide it because both sides are me. There is no reason why I have to keep living in two different worlds because this is me- take it or leave it. That doesn't mean I'm going to go tell my family- "hey, I like to get spanked and all those bruises you see on me- yeah bite marks." No way in hell am I going to tell them! I just mean that if I am going to keep meeting new people in the lifestyle as I am and I hope I do because I am enjoying it so much- that I shouldn't feel ashamed for being a single Mom and still kinky. Or that it is ok for my friends to see me in a normal everyday setting. Honestly it would be great to have friends that I feel comfortable with my family meeting since I am a huge family person. I am very close to my family so I am tired of feeling like I have to hide every single reason for going out. I make up ridiculous lies about where I am going and who I am hanging out with because I don't want them to get suspicuos of my recent outings hehe. But I don't want to do that anymore. This is me and I am accepting both sides of myself. I am just going to go with the flow and be open and live. That is all I can do and all I want to do at this point. I just want to experience life to the fullest. Oh- side note. Don't worry Kinky- my next post will be about our last meeting :) I just had to finish this one up.

Not Again!

I was planning on writing about a million other things but I just can't get past the thoughts in my head right now. One thing I was going to post was my last little meeting with Kinky- sorry Kinky- I can't. I have too much on my mind right now and it is eating away at me. I realized something that I have been doing for a while and I don't know how to stop! I want to but I am so scared and confused right now that I don't know what to do. I feel myself slipping away little by little again back into the black hole where I was for 10 years of my life. Void of all feelings, avoiding feelings and people in general because I thought I was worthless and didn't want anyone close to me that could possibly hurt me. I don't ever want to feel that way again but I find myself teetering on the edge- I could go either way. I'm fighting the force that is sucking me back into the hole but I don't know how long I can keep up the fight.


Before I explain what it is that I found I have been doing let me explain a little more about what I have been through in the past 10 years. I really don't like to go into great detail about it because I don't want to be one of those people that just vents about their problems- I'd rather keep them to myself. I'm not looking for anyone to say- "oh, poor you. Look what you've been through." I'm actually embarrassed that I let it get to the level that it did! That is the reason I don't talk about it! As I said before- I was in two mentally abusive relationships in the past 10 years. Yes I know- what are the odds of that? Well apparently I am drawn to those types of individuals- or they are drawn to me. I guess I just tend to like more controlling men and I happened to find two that were controlling in an unhealthy way. In short- these past 10 years- I have lost every single friend I had except one. I was distanced from my family- I had no life. My life involved my boyfriend or husband and that was it. I never went out, I was basically a hermit. I lost every person I cared about. My boyfriend turned every friend against me and made them think I was crazy and needed professional help and that I was a huge liar. I had known these friends for years before he even came into the picture- yet when he spoke to them- they believed him. Every form of support I had in my life abandoned me- turned their backs on me, just like that. I had grown to trust these people and they just walked away. Even my family turned their backs on me. I had no one! Every person I cared for in my life vanished. I guess it hurt more because these were people I trusted- it would have been different if they were just strangers. Who cares? They don't know me- but these were the most important people in my life that just gave up on me. So I find now that if I start to trust someone at all- I go into panic mode and try and push them away before I can get any closer to them.


I want so badly to trust others and have friends and go out and live life but I'm so scared of everyone leaving me. I can honestly say I do trust R and Kinky- I know I do. But that is why I am scared as hell! Doesn't matter if it is just friendship or if it is more- I freak out. I finally realized what triggered my panic this time. The night I spent with Kinky at BaGG we really bonded I think and I enjoyed it but knowing that he knows more about me now and that I trust him- I am in fight or flight mode right now. I just want to run- I want to run away and just forget everything and hide in my house and ignore life in general. But on the other hand I don't- I want to live! I want to trust people! When I start to trust someone I've noticed that I panic so I start to do crazy things to push the person away. I don't want to tell them to just leave me alone- so I do odd shit to push them away and give them an excuse to not talk to me anymore. I can act distant or in some cases I have acted like the most clingy person ever if I know that freaks them out so then they end up just disappearing- which is what I wanted to happen. I just drove around for 2 hours hyperventilating because I wanted to run but I have nowhere to run to! I have responsibilities- neverending responsibilities. Plus I've been dealing with some other personal things in my life at the moment with my family that are really getting to me so I just want to hide. I want to escape- I want to be alone. But at the same time I want people near me, I want them to tell me it will be ok and that they are here for me- yet it scares me half to death! I can't even hug my freakin Mom anymore! My own family! I've been on my own and distant from everyone for so long that I don't know how to handle attention. If someone is nice- I wonder what their angle is instead of just assuming they are a nice person- I think they are trying to gain my trust just to push me down again.


I think I'm not worth anyones time and I always question why someone would want to take time out of their day to talk to me or visit me. A few days ago I was so happy because I was finally having fun in my life again- after so long! I was having the time of my life! But then I start to panic and I let it get to me and I freak. I settle back into my old habits and think I'm worthless. I want to continue having fun and exploring this new side of myself- yet I fight everyday now to not run. I'm sure you all are wondering- well if you can't handle trusting someone and want to control everything, why do you want to put yourself in a situation where another is in control? Why? It is a release- it's actually empowering. I want to please and I want to trust. I enjoy it so much and find I am giddy after a play session. I am on top of the world! But then my lack of self confidence kicks in and I worry, wait for everyone to just abandon me again. I wait for life to prove to me again that I am not worth peoples time.


Right now I am standing at the edge of the black hole- deciding whether I want to jump in and run and disappear so no one can hurt me or if I am going to stay where I am, healthy and happy and just go with the flow and be open and willing to trust.