Ok- so not really. It sure feels like it at this point. Well- I decided maybe I judged Sir too quickly. I'm still chatting with him and seeing how things go. I am following a few of his rules which means me being me- I get a lot of punishments. I just seem to want to put myself through hell! The minute I decide- I'm going to be good now it seems the little devious child in me comes out. I really do want to please, but it's like this little devil appears out of nowhere and says "hey- what would happen if you disobeyed or talked back? Try it- you know you want to see what happens. What's the worst that could happen? You know you want the punishment anyways." So I go along with it and I disobey to see what the punishment will be. So thanks to the little devil on my shoulder- I have now gone 3 1/2 weeks without an orgasm or any pleasure. It's almost been a month! That is the longest I have ever gone without an orgasm. I am seriously on my last leg.
With the way things have been going- I don't know if I'll ever have another orgasm again as long as I'm talking to Sir. I just keep pushing and pushing which leads to more punishments. For the past month I have been indulging in sweets since I can't indulge in other pleasures. If you don't know by now- I am a sugar junkie! Due to the fact that I have not had any pleasure lately and R introducing sugar back into my diet when we went to Citadel (Yes- I'm still blaming you R! I was doing fine before we had dessert before Citadel. I had gone months without even looking at a cookie! You've turned me into a monster!) I have been on a sugar kick now for a while. But due to my feistiness I not only have to go longer without an orgasm now- Sir banned me from sweets! OMG! I'm seriously gonna die! I didn't notice until last night- but everytime I couldn't bare the sexual frustration anymore I would grab chocolate or ice cream or a muffin or a cookie- just something to get some endorphins pumping! It would soothe my nerves for a while. But last night when I was so frustrated I thought I could punch a hole in the wall- I went to get a cookie and immediately remembered- dammit! I can't have sweets either- what have I agreed to?
So now from the lack of release and lack of sugar- my need has intensified tenfold. I know your thinking the same thing I thought immediately- "why not just have a cookie or go please yourself? He really has no way of knowing you did." Yes- I know I could get away with it- I've tried. But the minute I think "screw it! I'm done with this- I'm so going to have like 5 orgasms tonight!" I try- but I can't! I can't bring myself to please myself. Why? Two reasons: one- I know at this point if I were the one to please myself it would not take care of my craving. No- I want him to be the one to make me cum. Two- I like the control too much! I like the fact that he has denied me pleasure. I like the fact that I enjoy him taking control. So it wont feel nearly as good unless he gives me permission to cum. As crazy as that sounds- I can't help it, it's true. No matter how much I fight the feeling of liking the control- I can't help it. Even though I have not known this man for very long and still have a lot to learn about him- I can't help but want him to control me. I love the fact that when he asks me if I'm still frustrated and if I want to cum- I reply "yes!"- the simple response "no" puts me over the edge. I'm putty in his hands- I can't help but smile. I may be frustrated as hell- but that feeling of frustration- God I love it! I love being on edge. But honestly at this point- I am willing to beg for release! I'm serious! I have no idea what I would say but I am seriously contemplating it. Yes- I'm way over my head at this point. Great- not a good place to be :)
