I was planning on writing about a million other things but I just can't get past the thoughts in my head right now. One thing I was going to post was my last little meeting with Kinky- sorry Kinky- I can't. I have too much on my mind right now and it is eating away at me. I realized something that I have been doing for a while and I don't know how to stop! I want to but I am so scared and confused right now that I don't know what to do. I feel myself slipping away little by little again back into the black hole where I was for 10 years of my life. Void of all feelings, avoiding feelings and people in general because I thought I was worthless and didn't want anyone close to me that could possibly hurt me. I don't ever want to feel that way again but I find myself teetering on the edge- I could go either way. I'm fighting the force that is sucking me back into the hole but I don't know how long I can keep up the fight.
Before I explain what it is that I found I have been doing let me explain a little more about what I have been through in the past 10 years. I really don't like to go into great detail about it because I don't want to be one of those people that just vents about their problems- I'd rather keep them to myself. I'm not looking for anyone to say- "oh, poor you. Look what you've been through." I'm actually embarrassed that I let it get to the level that it did! That is the reason I don't talk about it! As I said before- I was in two mentally abusive relationships in the past 10 years. Yes I know- what are the odds of that? Well apparently I am drawn to those types of individuals- or they are drawn to me. I guess I just tend to like more controlling men and I happened to find two that were controlling in an unhealthy way. In short- these past 10 years- I have lost every single friend I had except one. I was distanced from my family- I had no life. My life involved my boyfriend or husband and that was it. I never went out, I was basically a hermit. I lost every person I cared about. My boyfriend turned every friend against me and made them think I was crazy and needed professional help and that I was a huge liar. I had known these friends for years before he even came into the picture- yet when he spoke to them- they believed him. Every form of support I had in my life abandoned me- turned their backs on me, just like that. I had grown to trust these people and they just walked away. Even my family turned their backs on me. I had no one! Every person I cared for in my life vanished. I guess it hurt more because these were people I trusted- it would have been different if they were just strangers. Who cares? They don't know me- but these were the most important people in my life that just gave up on me. So I find now that if I start to trust someone at all- I go into panic mode and try and push them away before I can get any closer to them.
I want so badly to trust others and have friends and go out and live life but I'm so scared of everyone leaving me. I can honestly say I do trust R and Kinky- I know I do. But that is why I am scared as hell! Doesn't matter if it is just friendship or if it is more- I freak out. I finally realized what triggered my panic this time. The night I spent with Kinky at BaGG we really bonded I think and I enjoyed it but knowing that he knows more about me now and that I trust him- I am in fight or flight mode right now. I just want to run- I want to run away and just forget everything and hide in my house and ignore life in general. But on the other hand I don't- I want to live! I want to trust people! When I start to trust someone I've noticed that I panic so I start to do crazy things to push the person away. I don't want to tell them to just leave me alone- so I do odd shit to push them away and give them an excuse to not talk to me anymore. I can act distant or in some cases I have acted like the most clingy person ever if I know that freaks them out so then they end up just disappearing- which is what I wanted to happen. I just drove around for 2 hours hyperventilating because I wanted to run but I have nowhere to run to! I have responsibilities- neverending responsibilities. Plus I've been dealing with some other personal things in my life at the moment with my family that are really getting to me so I just want to hide. I want to escape- I want to be alone. But at the same time I want people near me, I want them to tell me it will be ok and that they are here for me- yet it scares me half to death! I can't even hug my freakin Mom anymore! My own family! I've been on my own and distant from everyone for so long that I don't know how to handle attention. If someone is nice- I wonder what their angle is instead of just assuming they are a nice person- I think they are trying to gain my trust just to push me down again.
I think I'm not worth anyones time and I always question why someone would want to take time out of their day to talk to me or visit me. A few days ago I was so happy because I was finally having fun in my life again- after so long! I was having the time of my life! But then I start to panic and I let it get to me and I freak. I settle back into my old habits and think I'm worthless. I want to continue having fun and exploring this new side of myself- yet I fight everyday now to not run. I'm sure you all are wondering- well if you can't handle trusting someone and want to control everything, why do you want to put yourself in a situation where another is in control? Why? It is a release- it's actually empowering. I want to please and I want to trust. I enjoy it so much and find I am giddy after a play session. I am on top of the world! But then my lack of self confidence kicks in and I worry, wait for everyone to just abandon me again. I wait for life to prove to me again that I am not worth peoples time.
Right now I am standing at the edge of the black hole- deciding whether I want to jump in and run and disappear so no one can hurt me or if I am going to stay where I am, healthy and happy and just go with the flow and be open and willing to trust.
