I was on vacation this past week so I had a lot of free time to think. I started thinking about where I was this time in my life a year ago. I was exhausted physically and emotionally from my divorce. Barely able to get out of bed in the morning because I was so tired of having the weight of the world on my shoulders. Every responsibility to take care of my daughter and provide for a household was all on me. No one to turn to, no one to talk to- all alone. I just wanted it all to end. I wanted to go to sleep and never wake up. The only thing that got me through the day and my only reason for functioning was my daughter. I had to get up in the morning and go to work to provide for my family- no one else was going to do it. No one else was going to get up with a sick child all night and go to work after only 2 hours of sleep. I did everything in my power to take care of my child and then the moment that I put her to bed every night- the world ended. I didn't live- I simply survived. I would spend hours binging and purging and then lie awake all night, crying. Then get up for work in the morning after another sleepless night, dragging my feet.
I spoke a little before about my eating disorder. I don't think I'll ever open up completely to anyone and tell them the extent of it. But a few now have asked if I still struggle with it. Honestly, I don't think it is something you get over or ever goes away. I have always had a love hate relationship with food and I think I always will. Each time I sit down for a meal it is a struggle. Every calorie I consume each day I still feel guilty about- no matter how much I had to eat that day. Whether I had huge meals or just one snack all day- I feel guilty. I still enjoy that empty feeling in my stomach when I haven't eaten. I know most can't understand that- hell I don't even understand it! But I am happy to report I have not made myself sick for over 6 months now. As for calorie restriction- I still struggle with that and always have ever since I can remember. As I said before- the only reason I share this is because I hope maybe I can help someone that may be in a similar situation by sharing my story.
Six months ago- out of the blue- something in me changed. I have no idea what it was that changed my mindset- but I woke up one morning and begin to take back control of my life. I have learned so many things about myself these past few months its unbelievable. It is hard to believe it has been such a short period of time. I am 27 and I realized I have missed out on my 20s. Your 20s are usually the time to discover yourself, learn who you are- live life! I missed out on all that. I went from a 4 year long mentally abusive relationship (16-20) to another long term relationship that was similar in many ways. My Ex- Husband was also mentally abusive, just not in the same way as my prior boyfriend. He was more subtle about it. Instead of saying things outright like my first serious boyfriend, things like "you're fat and ugly and no one would ever want you!" he would plant seeds of doubt and sit back and watch them grow. I met him when I was 20, got married when I was 23, had a child at 24 and got divorced at 25. Now I'm a single Mom at 27 and trying to believe that I am worth someones time. I still struggle with that. I think I am a waste of everyones time and that I don't deserve their attention. I'm trying to get more comfortable and feel ok, secure being submissive. For so many years I've had to be strong and try and hold it all together when in fact I wanted nothing more than the total opposite! I'm realizing it is ok and freeing and WONDERFUL to give control to another. I can finally say I am ME again and I'm loving every minute of it. I'm not weak in any way for willingly giving another control- in fact it is empowering. It is that release that I have been craving for so long.
I had said I wanted to be that girl that I was 10 years ago- but I realized that's ridiculous. I am a woman now who knows what she wants and knows how to get it. That girl from 10 years ago doesn't know anything! I feel like I have to make up for those 7 years I wasted- taking care of a full grown baby! I didn't marry a man- I married a 5 year old in a 27 year olds body that I had to do everything for! I've missed out on my 20s and I have to say it does upset me, but I am a stronger person because of it.
I wanted to take a moment to thank the people that have helped me learn more about myself these past 6 months. I will acknowledge the good and the bad because it is both the good and the bad that make us who we are- they blend together to form a beautiful story. Just as one Dom told me before that I talked to- you can take the good in your life (the rich, healthy soil) and the bad, ugly in your life (compost, garbage) and mix it together and it will sprout into a beautiful flower. All your experiences in life shape you into the beautiful soul you are.
So first- thank you Thunderbolt for reminding me that I don't need to get involved with another player and immature little boy. You showed me that I am better than the whores you usually meet and I will not be treated as such. Thank you Blow Pop for always being a gentleman and helping me understand there are actually good, honest people in the lifestyle. Also to not just settle for anyone who claims to be kinky and yet you have nothing else in common. Thank you Atomic Fireball for reminding me that I like conversation just as much as I like sex. Oh- and thank you for reminding me of every disgusting flaw I despise in men- always good to have a reminder every once in a while. Thank you "Sir" for showing me that sometimes I do need to stand up for myself and speak my mind and realize things on my own.
Alright R! Here we go! Sappy time- go ahead, go puke now and get it over with. OK, you ready? Thank you for restoring my faith in men in general and helping me remember the importance of friends. Life definately gets lonely without friends. Also thank you for bringing laughter and joking back into my life. I'm finally back to my sarcastic, goofy self. I'm sure you're glad that I am as sarcastic as you! Thank you Kinky. Thank you for being sweet, kind and understanding and open and honest! Thank you for going on this journey with me of kink :) I enjoy every experience more and more. Also, thank you for showing me that I am still desirable. Last- thank you for all that take the time to read my blog. It makes me so happy that there are people out there that actually find my story interesting and enjoy my writing. I started this as a place to just let out my frustrations, kind of a diary that anyone could view. I figured no one would read it at all, it would just be for me. But it has turned into so much more. It is an outlet for me to get everything out in the open- I am one that has to express myself somehow. I can't just keep things bottled up inside and this allows me to clear my mind and get things out.
People may think I am too passionate about life in general- but I can't help it. I went from wanting to die to taking joy in every moment of every day. I feel like I have a second chance at life. I went from having no feelings, no drive for life at all, just complete emptiness to being overjoyed that I was still alive and sane. I appreciate EVERYTHING so much more. It's like after 10 years of being in a walking coma- I'm alive again. I'm thankful every morning that I wake up and that I still have a job to go to. That I have a roof over my head and food to eat and a family to take care of. My coffee tastes sweeter, my food is more satisfying. Every touch and every kiss I feel more and cherish every moment. I am so happy that someone would actually take the time out of their day to spend time with me. Everything is brighter and more intense. I live in the moment now instead of thinking days, weeks, months, years ahead. I don't worry about what might happen- I just pay attention to what is actually happening to me. I spent 10 years with people telling me I was worthless and I finally woke up and realized I am worth something and I am cherishing every moment I have on this planet. So thank you all! You make my life richer.
