Abandon Ship!!!!

Unfortunately I will no longer be posting on this blog. Some things have come up and I unfortunately have to leave this blog. Followers- if you like, e-mail me and I will give you the link to my new blog that I am starting. I plan on starting right where I left off on this blog. Plus some new things I planned on adding here. It is a good time to start a new blog I guess since things seem to be changing for the better in my life now. Hopefully this is the beginning of a wonderful journey. Thank you all for following my blog and if you don't continue my journey with me to my next site- good luck and I love you anyways! Kisses- spread the love!


mariposa8308@yahoo.com

Evolving Time!!!

Just wanted to let you all know I'm going to be adding and changing a few things on my site. So keep an eye out for new pages! I've been wanting to try my hand at erotica so I've been kind of jotting down some ideas- will post the stories when I finish them and think they are actually worth reading! :) Also I may post some poetry from time to time. I have always been a lover of poetry- just haven't written any in a Loooooong time! But I've finally been itching to write some after 7 years of not having the heart to. I have to have inspiration to write- so it may be a slow process adding some other writings besides my crazy looney take on submission. But it is in the works!


I also might be adding some photos, links to MY favorite blogs. Who knows what else! We shall see what I can figure out with my goldfish brain. Me and technology- yeah, I hardly know how to use half the functions on my phone- so expanding a website?! Should be interesting. But anyways- keep any eye out for new bits of craziness.

You Know You're A Kinkster When...

I've been doing some thinking- of course we all know that self proclaimed kinksters are completely different from vanilla folk. Recently I took a step back and thought about the differences in our thinking. It's actually kind of hilarious. Have we just gone completely off our rockers or are the vanilla folk just too- vanilla? I compiled a little list.


You Know You're A Kinkster...


When purple is your favorite color

Bruises- As Kinksters we love bruises. We show them off- yeah! A great play session is defined by how purple your ass is, how long the bruises last and how long your ass is sore afterwords. We feel jipped if it only lasts a day. Dammit! We analyze others bruises with envy. "Oooh! That looks like they had fun. Wonder what leaves marks like that." I didn't think anything of this behavior until one day I'm at work talking to my boss- midconversation "What happened to your arms?! Are those bruises?" It was after a play session and I had quite the bruises on my forearms. My immediate thought was "yeah buddy! You think that's something, you should see my ass! Now that's bruising." Then I realized- wait, it looks like I've been in a fight for my life! hehe I like but I'm in the vanilla world now- I should be embarrassed and not wanting to show- especially my boss- my purple ass with pride! So I had to put on the face of "oh, yeah. I'm such a clutz. I'm moving and I keep bumping into things. Man does it hurt." "Ow! yeah that looks like it hurts." If you call your arms being pinned down and being manhandled and spanked as hurt- then sure, lets go wtih that. I prefer to think of it as a fucking awesome night and wouldn't mind all my nights to be so- stimulating.


If the word collar makes you as excited as a kid on Christmas morning

First off- I want to know who the hell was the first person that looked at a collar an thought "that would look hot on my woman." Then- who was the first woman that thought "ooh. A collar- yes I would like nothing more than for you to put that around my neck." Or vice versa. WTF! Don't get me wrong- I think they're totally hot myself- but still- where does this shit come from? A vanilla person would be completely mortified- "A collar?! Have you lost your mind? Like hell you are putting that around my neck! I'm not an animal." But any submissive- well that likes collars- lights up like a firework at the mention of a collar. It's their dream to receive a collar from their Dom- they go show it off to their friends. I got a collar, I got a collar and you don't get one. Do a little "I got a collar" dance. Yeah- I got one all prepared for such an occasion. The worst white girl dance in the world! A little running man, chinese typewriter, cabbage patch, lawn mower, sprinkler and a little "boo yah!" shouted at the end. "In yo face! I got a collar!" Sorry- I get a little carried away when I daydream. Collars tend to do that to me- see! Kinkster! The thought of getting a collar- I'm jumping up and down with excitement- I want one! I want one! Like it's a fucking Rolex watch or something- yeah something totally wrong with wanting to wear a collar- but that's what makes it kinky ;)


If you want to be spanked to tears

You know your kinky if you've ever been in a scene getting your ass handed to you and you think "Harder!!!Spank me harder! I want to cry out in pain!" Or- if you are the one doing the spanking- you want to see the other person writhe in pain and beat their ass so much they have to use their safeword. Immediately when a vanilla person hears the word spanking- it takes them back to their childhood where they were punished and feared a spanking. But here we are as kinksters- you hear the word spanking and you immediately assume the position- "Do it!!!!" You want that pain and that soreness and adrenaline rush. "Get the belt." You hated hearing that as a child- but if you hear that now your shaking in anticipation for the first blow! Yeah- craziness.


If the words gag and bondage thrill you


Normally- if you were to walk into a room- see someone gagged, tied up and being beaten you'd think you walked into a kidnappers dome or serial killer! Unless your kinky- then you think "That's fuckin hot!" I admit- for some reason the thought of a gag kind of scares me a little. I have no idea why- I mean if you trust the person why should it freak you out? I'm really not sure- but then again I'm honestly willing to try anything once. So I'm definately open to it now. But why is it such a big turn on for kinksters to be tied up so we have no way to escape- add to that a gag that muffles crys and speach- why is that so exciting? I guess it all comes down to power exchange. Any vanilla person would honestly think they were going to be tortured to death! But here I am thinking- tie me down so tight I have rope burn and do your worst! Bring it! Now that I have someone I trust to play with- bring it! Bondage galore! Gags a plenty- lets do this!


You think slut is a compliment and want to address others as Sir

Can you imagine a vanilla couple- the guy calls her a slut out of nowhere. Bitch slap! At least I would. I would have been up in his face "Who you calling slut?!" Ok- so not really :) But now- someone says "you're MY slut" I'm thinking "damn straight I am! Say it again!" What?! Since when did slut become a compliment? I don't know but I sure likes. Especially the possessiveness of "MY slut". Yes Sir! Why is it now I am dying to call someone Sir? Even worse- I'm liking Master more and more! When before I refused to EVER address someone as Master. I like that now- but honestly- master is only reserved for if you own me. I think it is a title that is earned and not just given. Also- I don't just call anyone Sir- nope! That is earned as well. But since when do I want to address someone so properly or think of someone as my Master?! I don't know but it is a huge turn on.


If having a stranger spank you in public is no shock

Why is it that in BDSM- you go to an event or open play party, you have exchanged only a few words with a person- yet you're totally comfortable flipping up your skirt and having some STRANGER smack the shit out of your ass?! After- a thank you, you go on your way. That would be like going up to a random person in a regular setting- never met, say "Hey! I'm Mariposa. I like making out but keep the tongue to a minimum and no slobbering or its over!" Then you just start making out. Yeah- so would not happen in a regular setting. Yet when it comes to spanking we think nothing of it. Just like "yeah some random dude bruised my ass last night with his bare hand on my bare ass." WTF! Just like at BaGG my first time- I mean I enjoyed it, but if you stop and actually think about it- it's very bizarre. I spoke to a gentleman- told him I like some pain- what I've done, what I like, what I'd be willing to try. Then like its nothing- this stranger is spanking my bare ass with his hand. Then- his WIFE comes over, never even spoken to her and here she is paddling my bare ass- I don't even know this womans name and she is spanking my ass. Crazy- just crazy. Hot- but crazy.


I understand some aren't into the whole public play thing or even into the lifestyle that much. Some like to keep it totally private and in the bedroom only- but for us out there that show our true colors to others- you get what I mean. So are we the crazy ones or is the rest of the world just too conservative?

Love

I've sat down and tried to write about a few different subjects but for some reason I keep coming back to this subject. So I figure write about it and get it off my mind. I've also rewritten this post countless times. I'm glad I waited till now to post it because before I was still in the dark about my own feelings and where I stood about them. I can say now I completely understand and have come to terms with my feelings and embrace them. I panic a little writing this just because it is so revealing- but that is me, I'm an open book. I usually have no issues with telling stories or voicing my feelings. So this shouldn't be any different. I'm going to do just that because this is my place the bare my soul- it's my sanctuary.


What comes to mind when you hear the word love? Many things I'm sure- some good, some bad. For me- probably a month ago only bad things came to mind when I heard love. Pressure, vulnerability, power, weakness, commitment, trust, relationship- to me those were all bad things- because every relationship I've had ended in disaster. I thought the minute the word love came out- you were headed down a path of destruction. There goes the fun! Every time I've opened myself up to someone- they took advantage and broke me. So for me- no matter what type of love it was- whether it be friendship or a romantic love, I feared it. I thought- great, here goes heartache again. I'm going to become vulnerable and be crushed yet again. But now I know that's not what love is- or at least not what it should be.


I've noticed most view love in a selfish way. I know I did at one point. People seem to think of love and a relationship as a claim on someone "They're mine! Everyone else back up! We are in a relationship and they are committed to ME." It's as if the whole world has to be about that person and their needs. Immediately it becomes your job to make that person happy- they rely on you for happiness and to keep them satisfied in every way possible emotionally and physically. You must spend x amount of time with them or talk x amount of hours a day or week to show your devotion and your love. You're forever having to prove your worthiness and devotion to the other or else they wont be yours anymore. It takes all your engery. OK- so yes that can be love- but a young form of love. As I've grown older I've realized that's not love. Love isn't supposed to bring you down, should never be selfish. Love is a happy feeling- it should uplift you, not be a downer. If you truly love someone- you should want them to be happy no matter what- not tie them down and pressure them. Love isn't gifts or time spent with someone. Love is an emotion you feel for someone- not material things or actions. That is a WAY to show love- but that is not love. You can love someone and not see them or talk to them for weeks- that doesn't mean the love isn't there. It can make it tough on a relationship because you want to be close to the person, but it doesn't make the love less strong. Just like- no matter how many connections you have with others- if you truly care about someone- that's not going to fade because you feel something for someone else. There is no limit on how many you can love at once or how much love you can feel.


So with that said- I'll tell my story of how I got to where I am right now when it comes to love. It's been a long road and I am still working on some things with my past and becoming the best person I can be. But- you can't change over night and I am trying my hardest and want to get over my fears and doubts. I've told the story of my past when it comes to love- now I'll tell you my present story. I've been waiting to post this because I honestly didn't know where I stood with Kinky for a few reasons. I can't speak for Kinky- this is my side of the story. The good, the bad and the ugly.


Honestly I was not looking for any connection at all with anyone. I was just looking to have fun, make friends, possibly find a Dom- not a relationship, not love- just a physical connection. I was scared of any type of connection- even friendship. You still have to open up and be vulnerable with friendship. But I was lonely in life and I knew I at least needed friends- I had no one to talk to, I was completely alone in my life. I still feel alone from time to time- just due to things I have to deal with in my day to day life- I feel like no one can truly understand what I go through- plus, there is nothing anyone can do to change my situation so I just have to learn to accept it for what it is.


I thought- I'll go online and try to meet people. That way I don't have to meet them in person and I can cut ties at any time. So I started chatting with people- I enjoyed it. It wasn't in person but I still felt I was beginning to interact with the world again- baby steps. I met a couple people in person but I was very afraid of meeting them and didn't open up to them whatsoever- I just went through the motions. No feelings, nothing- just numb. "Yes I met so and so in person. Cute, kinky- yeah I'd play with them." But I couldn't bring myself out of my shell enough to even be friends with these people. I just kept talking to people even though I was not emotinally available at all- even for friendship. That's when I happened to start chatting with R. Right away easy to talk to- I don't know just felt comfortable enough to talk about anything. Somehow I guess we got on the subject of me meeting total losers and R said "how about I mentor you?" Um- dude- I really am not even open to friendship and here you are asking me to trust you to give me advice? Yeah- so not happening! Then I thought about it- well, maybe I do need to be more open to people in general- by that point I had numerous people say to me that I was not good at communicating or open enough- especially for something like BDSM. Well yeah- I wasn't open at all! I didn't want to give out any info to anyone- nothing. So I figured- what the hell! Why not have a mentor- actually a good idea since I have no fucking clue what I'm doing when it comes to D/s.


I still kept my distance in the beginning- and totally still did not trust R. I thought- why does he want to help a total stranger? What do you want? You have to have a motive. I told myself to stop being paranoid- if I wanted friends I would have to trust somehow! So I started to slowly trust R. It wasn't until my first trip to Citadel that I'd say I was open enough to actually trust others. That trip opened my eyes and made me realize just how disconnected I was with everything, everyone. So after that I made it a point to actually open up to a connection with individuals. But- I was still leary of people in general and was only looking for trust and respect- not a loving connection. I didn't want to feel any emotion for anyone- I just wanted a physical connection. There was no way I was going to put myself out there to get hurt yet again. So I just looked for a Dom- a physical relationship- no emotions except trust, well and of course attraction.


About that time I started chatting with Kinky. I was very very leary of talking to him because he was local. Plus he was just an overall nice person. I thought- no one can be that nice. Why is he being so nice? People are not just that nice to total strangers! I mean I am- but that's me, I'm odd- I've never met another that is like me. So he must want something- or he is a total fake. So unfortunately I pretty much ignored his messages to chat- even though I did truly want to get to know him- I thought there was no way he could be the person he was coming across as. Finally one day chatting with him I got up the nerve to ask him to meet in person- I figured, why not! Would be nice to have a friend in the area in the lifestyle. At the last minute I panicked- I didn't meet with him- I had so many things going on in my head. I had met fake after fake and here I was inviting another person to my HOUSE! What?! I can't take meeting another person just to find out after the fact that they were just using me, my emotions for a one night stand. I stood him up. I felt so bad because I had never done such a thing. But I figured- he hardly knows me- he'll just forget about me and move on. What I didn't expect was him to confront me about it. I felt so bad. What did I do? I lashed back out at him because I was so upset with myself. I apologized to him and later decided- why not meet him? He could just be a friend and nothing else- not likes its an engagement or anything- just meet him! So we started chatting online again regularly and then we started texting.


I finally got up the nerve to ask Kinky to meet in person again. I figured I'd pick a time in a few weeks. He just happened to text me one night while I was packing- he offered to come help me- what the hell! Sure come over. So help me if you are an axe murderer! Or worse yet- someone who steals my heart and breaks it. So Kinky comes over- now I'm a very shy person, so for me to actually meet a new person- alone, I was nervous as hell. But he walked in and started talking to me like he had known me forever- within minutes I felt comfortable with him. Within maybe two hours of talking I seriously felt like I was hanging out with a good friend that I hadn't seen in a long time. I was just in awe that I felt so comfortable around him- and that he didn't just come over to put the moves on me. He was actually talking to me, getting to know me and not just interested in sticking his tongue down my throat! I kept thinking- he truly is as nice as he came across. The next thing I know- I'm lying down with my head in his lap- like again I know him! Huh?! I have a hard time giving my Mother a hug- yet here I am, cuddling with someone I've known a few hours. Twilight zone! Then- then, we're making out! What?! Mariposa is that you? Who has taken over your body? Hotness! Serious hotness- at least for me. Immediate attraction. He stayed the whole night- we just sat up talking and cuddling the whole night. Wow. That's the night my neck looked like I'd been in a piranha attack :) Still- hottest makeout session to date.


After that night- I was ecstatic- someone I can totally be open with and comfortable around! I hadn't felt like that in years! Right off the bat- friends. I knew no matter what that I wanted him as a friend no doubt. Oh and hell yeah there would be play involved! Sexiness. I figured- if anything we'd be great friends that played every once in a while- someone I can finally trust to experiment with. So I agreed to meet him again. Ah, yes- the night I got my 24+ spankings and put a whole new meaning to the phrase "tying the knot"- kinky style! This is kind of fun revisiting these play sessions. After that night I knew he was someone I could trust. We went out again, hmmm- handcuffs, Mr. Stingy- first sexual encounter. I admit- at that point I was still totally off limits emotionally. That night my eyes started opening to a possibility of actually felling something stronger than friendship for him. At that point I cared for Kinky- but wasn't looking for a relationship- ok so wasn't looking for a monogamous relationship. At that point- didn't know Kinky was poly and didn't know if he was even thinking in that direction. I thought I was just a friend to him and would only be that or just a play partner because he had also said he wasn't looking for a relationship. I wasn't aware he had any feelings for me whatsoever.


Kinky invited me to BaGG- I was so happy and in my element there- I was just so excited to meet all these new people and they were all so nice. Plus- Kinky made me feel so special that night. Honestly- that night, when we were alone on the lower level just talking and bonding- that moment I started thinking "you know. He is someone I could totally see myself with in a relationship. He's more than just a friend to me." That night was the turning point- I knew I was developing feelings for him. That night he said he loved me- when I heard him say it I immediately froze inside- "did I hear that right? No way." He said it a second time and mentioned the word relationship "OMG! He did say it. There's no way you love me- I'm not capable of being loved. You've lost your mind. Look who you're talking to! I'm not lovable!" I couldn't say it back- I know now that at that point I did love him but the thought of that scared me to death. There was no way in hell I was going to admit to myself that I loved him.


Of course- life always getting in the way- I had a trip the next week after BaGG. There I was hundreds of miles away sorting through my feelings- realizing I do love him. But I also doubt myself "maybe he didn't mean to say it and it just slipped out and he just went with it. Or maybe he meant it more in a friendly way than what I'm thinking." So I thought- alright, when I get back we need to sit down and discuss this because I need to make sure of what he means and I need to tell him I love him as well. So on the way home I get up the confidence to tell him I cared for him as well and I was ready to tell him when I saw him. The first time I saw him after I got back wasn't really the right time to tell him. So I waited to tell him- I wanted to tell him, but I wanted to do it in person- not something I just wanted to text! Then he texts me one day- asks me if he can list me as a play partner online. I thought perfect! I started to text him back I was glad he mentioned that because I wanted to know exactly what it was between us- before I could send the text I get another text from him- oh, I'm listing my friend Hottie on there as well. We haven't played yet but we plan on it. Oh- ok. That was unexpected. It confused me to no end. I had never heard him mention this girl before and here he was saying he was going to list her on his profile as the same thing as me- when he just said he loved me. So- does that mean you don't love me? Did he decide when I was gone that he didn't really care for me in that manner? Cause he hasn't mentioned the L word since I got back and now a new girl is at the same level as me! There goes my plans to tell him how I feel for him.


I told Kinky we needed to meet and talk. I wanted to know where the hell I stood with him. Were we friends, play partners, did he care for me in the way I care for him? So I met him for dinner- I was so nervous I had no idea where to start- plus since I had never heard of this girl I had no idea what his connection was with her. I didn't know if they were going to be in a relationship or play partners or what the hell was going on! I understand poly and I have no issue with that- I love it. But I needed some clarification on where we all stood. When we sat down to dinner Kinky looked at me like I was a little crazy "I thought we had gone over all this before." Oh- I guess I should already know all these answers. Plus I didn't want to say the wrong thing and be like- you just said you loved me and now there's not only 3 people in the mix- there is 4! I had no claim on him- as far as I knew- I wasn't in a relationship with him. I had no freaking clue where I stood with him. So I just sat there in silence while he continued to talk about this new girl. I kept waiting for the right time to ask where I stood with him- but I didn't want to seem like a bitch and interrupt him and be like- look! Stop talking about her and talk to me! Plus- I needed to know who this other girl was if I were to be involved in any type of dynamic with them.


As the night progressed I just kept everything in that I wanted to because he just seemed so excited about Hottie and couldn't wait to play with her. I didn't want to steal his thunder- I didn't want to seem selfish and say "I have something to say!" So I left it how it was. I went home confused as hell and didn't know where that left us. We did talk a little more after that night about our connection but I was still unclear on where I stood with him. I have been for a while- one minute he would say he loved me and that he view's me as a primary partner then the next he's introducing me as his friend. Huh? I'm dumb when it comes to these things! Too many mixed signals! I knew he loved me but I didn't know if he meant it in a I love you but we are not calling this a relationship type of connection or I love you as a friend. So everytime I felt comfortable with my feelings for him- he would say something to send me a mixed signal and I would pull back and not give into my emotions. I felt like I would take three steps forward, two back. Five steps forward, three back. I was so uncertain on where I stood with him- I had no fucking clue what was going on. I felt like a mad woman! Finally I decided- I love him and I'm just going to go for it. I don't care if I have stronger feelings for him then he does for me- it is what it is and I'm just going to go for it. That's the night I decided to submit completely. I wasn't going to hold anything back and I was going to give him my all not only as a sub but emotionally.


Recently I had been waiting to talk to him in person because I was still confused on where we stood relationship wise. But it's been busy so I haven't been able to see him in person. I had so many things going on in my head- I still do. I've yet to say them all to him. Finally I texted him and said- what the hell am I to you?! I finally got my answer. The answer that I wanted :) But again it scares me to death. But I'm glad I don't have to feel like a crazy person anymore. I felt like I had to tiptoe around before and watch the way I said things in case he didn't think of me in that manner. I was forever biting my tongue- I was seriously going crazy with all the thoughts in my head that I wanted to tell him. I still want to get them out. I just haven't had a chance to. I'll put a little bit of it up here just because I need to stay sane. The rest is for me to tell Kinky in person- just the two of us.


My connection with Kinky for me at the moment: first and foremost he is my friend. I feel I can talk to him about anything- I love that openness. Plus sometimes I just want to hang out with him and just talk- it doesn't always have to involve play. I actually enjoy just sitting and talking. I feel he is a person that will always be in my life in one way or another. He is just an awesome person and I am happy to know him. If we decide later on that this dynamic doesn't work- I still want him in my life. Like Kinky said- we started this journey together. We are play partners- I am his sub. I trust him completely and I love to explore and try new things and I know I can submit completely to him and I will always be safe and cared for. Yes- he is my primary partner. I love him. I want to see where this path leads us. He holds a special place in my heart and he means so much to me. Just by being himself he has helped me to open up again and trust. I don't think I could ever put into words how much that means to me. I know no matter what- no matter how many are involved in the dynamic- no matter how often I see him or hear from him that he still loves me and I still love him. I may get selfish from time to time and say "I want to see you!" But it's only because I miss him and I enjoy just being around him. I love his company- but I know he has others he cares for as well- they need attention also. He needs to focus on those relationships as well. It doesn't make me jealous at all- I am happy that Kinky has more than one in his life that he can connect with. That just shows what a great person he is- that he has many that care for him. At this point I honestly know I do not want a connection with another. It was hard enough for me to open up to Kinky- also, I'm not going to push to have a connection with another. I am happy with the way things are right now and I will just let things happen naturally. I'm not actively seeking another connection- I am content at the moment. Plus- I want to focus on my connction with Kinky. That's just the way I work.


I'm not one that would probably have deep connections with more than one. I know that works for others- it just isn't me. I'm the type that has a primary partner and then if I want to explore with another I will- but I don't see it developing into a "relationship". I guess you could say I could see having play partners from time to time- but my true connection at the moment is with Kinky. As I said before about love- it's not selfish. That is how I feel with Kinky. I'm not here to be the raging bitch that says "You haven't been spending time with me. You haven't been paying attention to me. If you love me you'll do this." No- I love him and I want him to do whatever it is that makes him happy. That is love- he is free to do as he pleases as long as it makes him happy. I am here when he wants to be with me- if he doesn't want to be around me at the moment- I don't want him to just hang out or talk to me because he thinks he HAS to because we are in a relationship. If you want to focus on something else at the moment- do it. I'll still be here- I still love you. Just because your not in my presence 24/7 doesn't mean that the love fades in your absence. It is still here and will be when you need and want it. I am a support system, I am a friend, I am a lover. I am here to share in Kinky's joy and he is here to share in my joy- not to tie each other down and make each other feel less than. I am here to love- period.

Turning Point

First things first- I'm not going to worry what others think anymore- some interpret things differently from the way I meant them on here- so I've started holding back a little on some of my posts. But I'm not going to anymore. For one- interpret however you want, I know what I mean and that's all that matters. Two- this is my blog- it's my baby. This is my place to share my life, my experiences. The only ones I truly care if they have an issue with what I write is the people that are included in my experiences. Everyone else- if you don't like it, don't read it! So- no more filter- I'm telling it exactly how it is.


The past couple weeks have been a big turning point in my life. I'm finally becoming myself again and I love it. So sorry if I get too passionate when talking about things but I am just in a good place in my life and I want to share. October is a tough month for me- it's pretty much the 2 year mark where my life fell apart and I became a true single individual and a single parent at that! So October was a reminder of how far I've come. Also I've been rediscovering myself this past year and I finally have friends in my life that I truly trust and respect and I know respect me back. So I've been doing a lot of soul searching lately and I know I have things I need to work on to improve myself and my happiness- but I also realized that without either myself or the poeple in my life knowing- they have been a huge part in my healing process. For me to even go out of my way and get to know someone is huge because I was where I didn't trust ANYONE and I mean anyone. I was a hermit- I didn't want to see or talk ot get to know a soul. So for me to be in a position where I have friends, I go out by myself even to just be alone- like Starbucks. I go to events with large crowds and I have a play partner that I've let in my life enough to where I trust him completely and for me to even be able to mutter the words "I love you" and be open to any kind of connection that comes my way with another human being is huge. It honestly scares me to death. So many times in my life I've gotten to this point with friends, family, relationships where I finally open up and am totally vulnerable and then they change or abandon me. So I feel like a sitting duck. But I'm not going to go hide in a corner and ignore anything anymore- I'm pushing forward and whatever happens, happens. I'm not going to live my life in fear anymore and let my insecurities and all the what ifs going through my head hold me back. I am finally happy with my life just the way it is and I don't want to lose that.


So I went to BaGG again this week with Kinky. It was a little different this time. As I said this is truly a major turning point in my life. I am finally comfortable with who I am. I've always been a little different, out there, crazy- according to society. But now- I truly don't give a fuck what anyone else thinks- I'm me- deal! So yeah- BDSM is a huge part of my life and maybe sometimes I take being a sub too seriously- but that's just me- I'm a passionate person. When I do something I give my all. It could be the simplest task in the world- like cleaning, when I clean- I clean! Passion! Yes I'm dramatic if you didn't already know that. Also I'm a huge perfectionist so I want to be the best I can be at everything! So I've played with Kinky enough now to know I trust him and I feel safe and happy and taken care of when we do. So going into BaGG with our D/s dynamic- I wnated to be the best sub I could be that night. I don't think I just think of him as a "play partner" anymore- I'd say I view him more as my Dom. Not just another to play with but one that I truly do want to submit to. As I said before- you have to earn the title Sir or Master with me, I don't just call anyone Sir. So for me to call Kinky Sir in a scene tells me I am comfortable enought to submit to him completely. That night I wanted to completely fufill his needs and just give him my all as a sub. So there I was killing myself- putting layer upon layer of clothing on. Thong, garter belt, fishnets, corset, leather mini skirt and boots. Since I haven't worn a corset in a while I'm not used to them anymore. It's not even laced tightly and I'm dying!!! I look at myself in the mirror "why am I putting myself through all this? Why not just wear some comfy shit?!" It was then that I realized I was being a complete sub. I may have fought and been bratty before- it was to try to hold onto some form of control. I realized then that I had bought everything I was wearing with the intent to please Kinky. Well- plus I like corsets and boots- so kinda gave me an excuse to buy them. But here I was uncomfortable as hell and showing way more skin than I was comfortable with- to please Kinky. If that's not a sub than I don't know what is. It was then that I realized I didn't just see him as one I played with from time to time- but as a Dom. Someone I actually do care for and I want to please as much as I can.


Of course with my lack of confidence I'm freaking out in my outfit waiting for Kinky- pacing. But I know one way to work on my confidence is to just push myself out of my comfort zone- the more I do the more comfortable I'll be with myself. So I suck it up and tell myslef "own it! Be confident! You've seen others there in way less than what you're wearing and they weren't the best looking. Now you're no supermodel but you definately look better than they did! Plus Kinky and Hottie Patottie have told you numerous times they like the way you look as well. So own it baby!" I'm feeling a little more confident- knock, knock- no turning back now. I open the door- in walks Kinky- he just makes me smile :) He's carrying a bag- ok what's that for? "Now I could either wear these pants I have on or what's in the bag. But I'm not going to show you what's in the bag until after you decide." OK- well I know he went shopping recently as well- soooo, I'm hoping for leather pants. Plus I like surprises- so I go with the bag.


Kinky hugs me "Wow- seeing you in your outfit makes me almost want to say forget BaGG and lets just have fun here." hehe, well that's nice to know but please! Hardly think it looks that good! That's another thing I'm working on- taking compliments. I normally just brush them off because I don't believe them and think people are just trying to be nice. But I need to stop that and just accept them and trust that they are really telling the truth and accept what they say. So Kinky- I'm stating it in front of everyone as my witness- if I brush off compliments from now on and say anything negative at all instead of saying thank you- punish me as you see fit. I think that ought to help me a bit. I'm working on confidence here and I know it starts with me accepting me- or else it will never happen.


Kinky goes to change. Please be leather pants, please be leather pants! Winner, winner chicken dinner! Leather pants! Leather pants. Leather..... pants!!!!! I didn't realize I liked leather myself until he puts them on- yum. Yeah- let's just skip BaGG! Another thing I have a problem with- giving compliments makes me uncomfortable, but I will just go for it- how do I put this in a way where it doesn't sound like I view him as a piece of meat? Fuck it! God damn those pants were hot on you! They definately accentuated your- situation. Now I feel like the guy! He's talking to me and I have no fucking clue what he's saying to me because the whole time I'm thinking "don't look down, don't look down. For God's sake woman- have some self control! Dont- look- down!" Then he puts on boots! Kinky are you trying to kill me? Now since I was just concentrating so hard that night to be a perfect sub and be comfortable with the way I was dressed- the night is kind of a jumble in my head. I remember everything- just not the sequence. So no promises on if it's right- but I'll try.


I'm pretty sure it all started in the kitchen. Kinky hugs me and proceeds to flip up my skirt- don't fight it! Your the sub! He feels my ass- yep, thong- knew you'd like it. He pushes me against the wall and pins my hands above my head. He starts kissing my neck and does that fake out I'm gonna bite your neck- oh, no I'm not thing. Drives me crazy! I love anticipation. "Do you think I approve of your outfit?" Um- I hope so? Or else my ass is uncomfortable for nothing! I always doubt myself so I honestly don't know what he thinks. Hmmm- "yes" "Very good. For answering correctly, you get to suck my cock." I kneel down. ALright- I'm just gonna tell it like it is people. Here you go Kinky- another little ego boost. Generally- cocks, kind of an odd looking part of the body. Not really something you would think "now that is your best feature!" Well- I think women's parts are even worse! I will never understand why people find that area sexy whatsoever- but then again I like men! Generally cocks- meh, not so sexy. Some are just down right creepy! Then there are the few where your like- damn! That is- actually very nice looking. There have only been two men I've been with that I would say have nice cocks. No! Don't think like that people- that isn't me saying I've been with tons and tons of men! I've had my fair share but I am in no way a slut. So- two men with nice cocks, Kinky being one of them. Yep- another top 2 list for you Kinky :) So needless to say- suck your cock? My pleasure.


Kinky tells me to stand up and leads me into the other room. He says "pull up your skirt and sit down in the chair." Oh great! I hate being exposed! Get over it- don't fight it- your the sub! I do as I'm told. He asks me "have you ever had sex in a chair?" Well- yes but generally I'm the one on top so this is new. He asked me later how I liked it. It was different- I like trying out new things. I said "it felt good." "Compared to?" I don't know! It just did! Hello- your cock was in me, of course it felt good! hehe Ok- it was good, but doggy definately my favorite. He has me stand up and brings me back into the kitchen and shoves me against the fridge. He fucks me against the fridge and then stops and spanks me for a bit. Mmmm- then he fucks me some more. Sexiness! Just pulls my panties to the side. Love it!


Ok- time to go. I want to say no! We just started! But I know how BaGG was last time- I was so on edge by the end of the night that it was so hot after we got back- like a whole night of foreplay. So I know after BaGG is going to be fun. We leave and as we're driving I'm like a damn horny teen. I feel ridiculous- here he is holding a normal conversation and I'm just swimming in lustful thoughts. Not that I'm not listening to what he's saying- I am and I'm interested in what he has to say. Don't get me wrong- I like that we are friends as well and it's not just physical but as I'm talking and listening to him my mind is just in the gutter. "oh, wow" God I just want to kiss him right now. "really?" Bite his neck. "No way!" stroke his cock. "craziness" run my hands all over his body "Mmmhmmm" just worship his body with my lips and tongue. "yeah" God if he wasn't driving right now I'd straddle him and fuck his brains out. My God! What has come over me?! You know how you have different connections with different people? It could be totally physical- no feelings, just lust. Or it could be the opposite- just feelings and no physical connection. Or you could have a friendly connection. Well with Kinky I think there is a combination of all those- which is nice- but my God is there a physcial connection there! For me at least there is! I feel like the guy in the situation! He's said before that he enjoys hanging out without playing sometimes and one night he said we weren't going to do anything and I was like- No!!! What if I want to? He said he didn't want me to think that's all he wanted from me- honestly I wouldn't care if thats all he wanted- but I'm glad you feel that way and I feel the same but for God's sake! Take me now! Yeah- definately a nonstop sexual undercurrent there for me.


We get to BaGG- I'm so not ready for this tonight. I know the gentleman that was there last time that said I was beautiful etc. is going to be there. He needs a name I guess because I'll be mentioning him a few times. Hmmm- how about Hoity Toity, HT for short. Sure why not. He's an English gentleman so he's a little "proper" if you can call a kinkster that. I got a little pissed at him prior to seeing him at BaGG this time and really didn't care to talk to him. But I'm an adult- I'm not going to avoid someone because they decided to be an ass! Especially since he hangs out in the same circle as Kinky does- I have to get along with him. I'll be civil. So I had sent him a message before BaGG to say I was sorry- even though I had nothing to be sorry about- I figured I'd be the bigger person and just put it out there cause I'm tired of his little girly outbursts. I said I didn't want there to be any tension since we would be seeing each other at events. He agreed- but I honestly didn't know what to expect from him because he's an odd one. I don't give a damn- I am sticking to Kinky like white on rice whenever he is near! Get a hint dude! NOT interested! So yeah- I'm HIS sub- I don't care what Kinky says to that- in that instance when HT is around- I'm acting like I'm Kinky's! Don't look, don't touch- nothing!!!


We walk in- who's the first person I see- of course HT. Great! Just who I want to see. Kinky grabs me and pulls me close and bites my neck while HT is watching- Thank you for that! Maybe he'll get the hint now- back off! Kinky holds my hand and leads me to sit down near HT and another girl that I had not met yet. I hate to say it but immediately when I meet this girl- there's something that I don't like about her. I don't know what it is- but I know we wont get along and become good friends. Plus- I don't really have a lot of girls that are friends. I tend to get along with guys better- always have. So I just sit there and be civil while Kinky talks to the girl and HT. Ugh! yeah- more peole better hurry up and get here. I'm sitting there in my own little world. Kinky's talking to them- oooh, in walks my ridiculous crush. He's young but for some reason I think he's cute as hell. He's got that innocent look- probably cause he's younger, but it's just cute. Kinky says "Maybe I'll have him spank you. What are your thoughts on that?" Well first I'm thinking fuck yeah! But honestly if he's terribly into pain I don't want his hand anywhere near my ass! I've only met him the one time- haven't seen him play at all so I don't know how extreme he is- kinda scares me. But it is a thought. He comes over to talk. Kinky had me take off my coat before- I was covering up my outfit, dammit! When Mr. Crush comes over Kinky says "stand up, show him your outfit." No!!! Alright- if you insist :) He gives me a hug- hehe.


Finally the bottom floor opens- thank God! Now we don't have to sit and talk to 2 people I really do not want to talk to. We go sit in our little corner again. It's nice to just sit and relax with Kinky. Plus I just like to see everyone dance. No one cares there they just dance. Gotta love it. That's why I love SF- so much diversity and openness- it's fucking awesome! I just feel like I can be myself there- don't have to hold back. That's also why I like to go to BDSM events- I can let loose and just be me. But I still feel a little out of place because everyone seems to know everyone else and I feel like the new girl coming in. So I still don't join in conversations much. But I'm sure I'll get more comfortable the more I go. Woo hoo- Go Go dancers! So I may have just been in ballet growing up- but I can dance. I can appreciate go go dancing for the skimpy outfits and awsome shoes and cages and sexy moves. Yeah- you got me, I like go go dancing. Plus I like making out. So go go dancers, carresses and kisses= fun times!


Pretty much most of the night Kinky and I were trying to avoid people we didn't want to see- so a little stressful. I'll jump ahead to the better parts- birthday spanking time! At BaGG when celebrating your birthday you get spankings for every year you are plus one for good luck. From whoever wants to partake apparently. It was a lovely ladies birthday- so a line formed for her birthday spankings. I swear it's like someone brought out a chocolate cake at a weight watchers meeting! A few men all gather around and almost drool at the site of her being spanked. First up- Mr. Crush. I get to see his spanking techniques :) OK- must say not bad- I definately wouldn't mind being spanked by him. Next- Kinky. Again- awesome to actually see him spank someone cause I don't get to see the action- ususally I'm on the receiving end. Of course part of me is like "I want a spanking!" I mean- who wouldn't watching person after person spank this girl! But I do love to watch Kinky spank someone else- it's actually hot! I know I like his spankings so I'm assuming the receiver is enjoying them just as I do. Next up- Hoity Toity. I just want to see this. I want to see how kinky he actually is. Honestly when you think of a British man- you don't think- kinky son of a bitch! You think- proper gentleman so I'm just thinking this dude probably doesn't spank the hardest. He starts- I'm right! That's the first spank I've ever seen that almost looks civilized! If there is such a thing- little flick of the wrist. Yeah- wouldn't do it for me- not one bit. I like hard spankings! None of this light shit- get down to business- leave some marks! Next up- an older gentleman that I have not met. Kinky asks me "You want to spank her?" Uh- seriously?! Well- it would be fun but if I'm going to spank a person for the first time it's not going to be in public. Plus-I'm not a sadist. I don't enjoy inflicting pain- I enjoy receiving it! It might be fun just to try but yeah- not in public. SMACK!!!!! What the hell was that?! Damn! It's the older man spanking the birthday girl. My God! That's just his hand? It sounds like a freakin paddle! My ass stings just hearing that! Smack! Holy Shit! I like a firm hand but my God that sounds scary!


Later on in the evening we meet back up with the girl that we were first talking to when we got there and Mr. Crush. Kinky starts giving her a back massage- then Mr. Crush stands in front of her and starts rubbing her head and kising her neck and then they are full fledge making out! Kinky is still giving her a massage- um, is it wrong for me to find this totally fucking hot! I don't care- it was! Then Kinky leans over and kisses me while he's still giving her a massage- yum! Pretty soon Mr. Crush and the girl are in their own little world making out so Kinky starts to kiss me. Love it! Hotness! Oh boy- here comes HT to break up the sexiness and say goodbye to everyone. Literally I am hanging onto Kinky and we were making out and here HT comes and asks for a hug! Dude! Busy! Whatever. Good night. We decide to leave as well- but we don't interrupt the couple that any minute is going to get it on right where they are hehe. We leave them to their fun.


We head back to my house. Kinky says he's going to spank the hell out of my ass since I didn't get a proper beating at BaGG- sounds fun. We get home and he brings in Mr. Stingy with him :) He pushes me against the wall and pins my arms above my head- lifts up my skirt and spanks me. Mmmm- been too long! Yes I know it hasn't been that long but the more I have now the more I want. He spanks me with his hand then he uses his little evil paint stick- Mr. Stingy as he calls it- he spanks my ass, then my back and my legs. Then he used his hand some more. I lose track of what's going on- I just think- I'm going to take whatever it is that he gives to me- I am the sub and I am here to please. If he wants to beat my ass all night- so be it, do as you please. The more he spanks me the more excited I get. He says "I can see I'm not the only one that's excited." He sticks a finger inside me- he turns me around, pins my hands above my head and has me suck his finger clean. He grabs Mr. Stingy and smacks my breasts- then he smacks my pussy- that's a new one. It's a mix of sting and pleasure. He turns me back around and spanks me some more- I'm so excited I'm breathing heavy. Apparently I'm shaking as well- I don't even notice. Kinky asks why I'm shaking. He pulls my head back by my hair "hmmm?" I tell him "excitement, anticipation." At this point I don't remember the sequence, how it happened- I just felt. I also like that Kinky doesn't have to tell me what he wants every time he wants something. I just know what he likes. So when he starts taking his belt off I immediately get on my knees. I suck his cock and he takes his belt and smacks my shoulder. Nice! Been wanting to try a belt!


He has me stand back up and he fucks me against the wall. Just something so primal about it- I love it. It's like- I'll take you whenever, wherever, however I want. Yes- do it! He leads me back to the bedroom and grabs a chair on the way to bring with him. For the first time I leave my skirt around my waist and I don't readjust it like I normally do- he didn't say to, so I'm leaving it up. He tells me to get on my hands and knees and I do. Again he just pulls my panties aside and fucks me. Now- I have only been able to orgasm while having sex with one other person and it didn't happen very often with him. It took a lot of work. Normally I only orgasm by oral or hand and not sex. Even that generally takes a lot of work. I don't know what it is- if it's just the spanking and everything before that gets me so excited or if it is just Kinky. But Kinky can make me cum by fucking me. That night- most I've had. For some reason it was like a switch- whenever he pulled my hair that night it sent me over the edge.


He asked me if I needed a break- I was pretty- satisfied you might say. He went and sat on the chair he brought in started stroking himself and told me to kiss him. So I kissed him and bit his neck and his legs and ran my nails all over his skin trying to do what I could to make him feel good. Again- still had my skirt around my waist- amazing! I made it a point to not readjust or do anything because I am the sub! Usually I would freak and hide my body the minute he was done with me. But he grabbed my ass while I was kissng him and I loved that. Yes- for me it was a fucking awwesome night. I'm not sure if it was everything combined or that I truly submittied completely- but it was awesome.

Long Road To Recovery

I have mentioned one of my abusive relationships- my first serious boyfriend- but I didn't mention much about my marriage. I haven't told anyone all that went on in our marriage- for one it was still painful to talk about and I was embarrassed of some of my actions as well. But I think in order to heal completely and lay my past to rest for good- I need to get it out. I admit I am still healing- it does take time but I know I am almost there and I am actually the happiest I've ever been in my life. But the biggest reason I want to share my story is to possibly help others. You hear story after story of relationships of physical abuse, but there's another type of abuse out there that is not mentioned enough and I know numerous are in relationships like I was. I'm talking about mental abuse. It is just as harmful if not more so than physical abuse. With physical abuse your wounds heal- your skin rejuvinates, your bones fuse back together, bruises fade. But with mental abuse- there's no cure for hurt feelings, put downs. There's no way to heal a broken soul. I know physical and mental abuse usually go hand in hand, but I think most don't realize is you can be in a mentally abusive relationship without any physical abuse. I know- I was in 2! Not 1, 2- one ultimately did lead to physical abuse but it started with mental and was mostly mental abuse. I know there are so many women in relationships like that out there and they don't think anything of it because there is no physical abuse. But it takes just as much of a toll if not more on a person to be abused mentally. So I share my story to maybe open some eyes to what a mentally abusive relationship is- I think most overlook it and think it's not that serious since the person is not being physically harmed- but we are talking about ones mental health.


Mental abuse changes a person forever, can drive them to hurt themselves physically even- again, I know, I was there. You have no idea how many times I thought of ending my life, or starved myself or binged and purged. Also because I let these people hurt me mentally- I will never be the same person. I will always have trust issues, I will always second guess others intentions, I will always think I'm less than and not worthy of someones time. All because of words. Words are powerful- they can cut deeper than any knife ever can. So yes- I will never be the same. But it is my responsibility and my choice to make the best out of what life has dealt me. I choose to see it as a learning experience and an experience that in the end made me stronger and more capable of handling life in general. That is making the best out of what life has given you- I have taken all the lemons I've gotten over the years and turned them into the sweetest, most refreshing lemonade you've ever tasted. I hope others can do the same.


As I mentioned my first serious boyfriend was where it all started. I spoke of him before so I wont go into quite as much detail this time. But he was a charmer- he just had this air about him that you just wanted to be around him, you wanted to be friends, wanted him to notice you. Everyone was drawn to him including my friends and family. He presented himself as the most caring, wonderful individual. Once we got closer- that's when he began to change- I called him the Devil in disguise. He began to freak anytime I went out without him. I couldn't hang out with friends or even family without him freaking out if he wasn't with me. That being my first serious relationship- I didn't know that behavior like that wasn't normal. He would tell me how hurt he was that I didn't want to spend all my time with him. So to avoid arguments and to avoid "hurting his feelings" I just stopped hanging out with friends and family- eventually they got tired of me not hanging out with them and turned their backs on me. My life became about him- he was my world. Then once I had distanced myself from every person that cared for me- he flipped. He would get angry with me for calling him and wanting to spend time with him. He said I was demanding and selfish. He would go days without answering my phone calls and scream at me and say no one else would put up with my neediness and would never love someone as ugly as me. No one could love me- I was lucky he stayed with me and dealt with all my faults.


Come to find out the whole time we were dating he was still with his "ex- girlfriend"- I mean the whole time, from the beginning of our relationship. This woman that supposedly was psychotic and made him fear for his life and he couldn't stand- he was still with her. When I confronted him about it he made me believe I was just paranoid and I had major trust issues and I needed professional help because I was not mentally stable. Then later on it turned into- "yeah, I'm still involved with her because you don't satisfy my needs. She is mature. She has her shit together. She is confident. She has the body type I like. She does this for me, she does that...What do you ever do for me?" So it became a battle of who could please him more, who was more attractive, who cared more, who was more understanding. He put us against one another- so instead of being upset with him, for lying and being a total douche- we hated each other. We competed for his affection and his time. I almost married him- I thought no one else would ever want me and put up with me so I just needed to stay with him or else I would end up an old maid- alone.


I went out with a friend one night when my boyfriend was out of town- he didn't know. We happened to meet a guy that night and he found me attractive and let it be known. That's when the floodgates opened, I thought "If this guy really does find me attractive, then all he has told me is wrong!" I found out that I hadn't been staying with my boyfriend because I loved him- I had stayed with him because I thought no one else would want me and I wanted to prove to myself I was more desirable than his other woman. The love had faded years ago- so I finally left him. There I was 19, broken. Still had insecurity piled on insecurity, thinking I was worthless. I spent my days and nights partying- drinking my life away. I thinned down to my normal toothpick self- I had gained weight for my ex because he liked curvy women. I dropped from 165 to 120 in a matter of weeks. That is my normal weight- but most tell me I look like a toothpick and need to eat. But I like it that way. I've always been on the thin side, but I tend to change my looks to please my partner- just like with my ex- husband. He was a fan of curvy women as well- so what did I do? Curves here I come!!!


At that time I thought- fuck relationships! I'm never getting married and I'm never commiting to another again! I'm gonna live Sex and the City style forever! I hit 20- my Mom came to me- "You need to stop partying and settle down. At your age I was already married and had two kids!" First of all- crazy woman!! Second of all- what if I don't want that? "That's a woman's place. You get married, become Suzie Homemaker and pop out kids." No! Kids tie you down and so do relationships! I'll never please another completely and they'll never please me- so why can't I just live my life a free woman? That is what I had planned- I had a huge fantasy of moving to Europe a single woman and taking care of myself and having multiple lovers! After months and months of hearing "where a woman's place is" I finally had enough and figured- fine! I'll find a guy that is just really sweet and I know doesn't have the balls to hurt me. I follow the rule I heard a long time ago and I'll marry someone who loves me more than I love them, that way I always have the control! I figured pretty easy task since I was now void of all emotion. I turned them off- I never wanted to feel hurt like that again. It made me physically ill it hurt so bad. So I vowed I wouldn't feel anything for anyone ever again.


So I ended up meeting my husband- now ex. I hate to say this and I feel horrible for everything but it is the truth. When I met him I thought "perfect! He has no backbone. He is kind and relaxed and he honestly is way more into me than I am into him. He is actually a bump on a log- he has no drive for life in general!" I do admit- I did grow to love him. Not to the level where I would say he was the love of my life, but I did care for him very much. He was caring and loving and he took care of me. We bonded- I loved his family as much as I loved him. He was not the least bit verbally or physically abusive- wouldn't hurt a fly. When we got married- the problems began. He spent less time with me, he stayed up all night and slept all day. I hardly saw him. We would go days without talking because he was either on a damn computer game (yes, so much more important than a person!) or talking on his phone with God knows which girl it was that week. I knew he loved women- I just knew he was sleeping around- that made me sick. So our sex life became non existent. After a while I would wake up to him touching me while I was asleep. I would immediately tell him to get his hands off of me. He said "well you seemed to enjoy it when you were asleep." Yeah- when I wasn't coherent! Now I'm telling you no- so get your hands off of me! "But this body is now mine! We're married! I can do whatever the hell I want!" We screamed and yelled and I told him to never touch me again. I said just because we're married doesn't mean I don't have a choice of what's done to my body. It's still MY body! He got pissed. Some time passed and I forgot about it. Then it happened again! I told him I didn't like that and he should respect my concerns. I felt dirty and taken advantage of and it creeped me out! He still said "I'm your husband and I can do as I please! How dare you feel dirty. I married you- it's my body and I'll touch it any way I damn well please!" I told him to get the hell out of our bed. He wouldn't budge- I pushed him a little to nudge him out of bed. He got mad and pushed me back- hard. He grabbed my wrists and held them tightly. He said "Don't you ever lay a hand on me." I had had enough- I had never been so angry in my life. I didn't even know I could feel anger like that- I pushed him all the way out of the bed onto the floor and I screamed like a banchy "get out! Get the hell out of here!" he finally got up and left. My nights became sleepless- I couldn't sleep soundly- I heard him night after night creep into the bedroom to see if I was asleep. When he saw my eyes open he would leave without saying anything.


I felt totally violated and used in my own house. Our lives became totally separate and within 6 years he lost 6 jobs. He didn't care about anything. He did nothing to help out around the house, pretty much didn't have a job most of the time- he stole my credit cards and maxed them out after he cleared out our bank account. He bought the most ridiculous things just to spend money. He put us into horrible debt. We never talked and when we did talk it was either about chores or money and it always led to a physical altercation or he broke something of mine around the house that he knew meant a lot to me. If he couldn't hurt me physically he wanted to hurt me emotionally. But I wasn't like most- when he came at me- I fought back. I always used to say if anyone ever tried to physcially abuse me I would fight right back- and I did just that. If he pushed me I pushed right back. If he slapped me I slapped him. It turned into a battle and would always end the same. When he decided he'd had enough of me fighting back he would walk away. I don't know if I'm considered abusive as well- I fought back, but only when provoked. I never started the physical contact and would never think of hitting someone unless it was to fight back. But he would always be the one that ended up walking away more hurt! Does that make me just as guilty? See R- I told you I can fight physically LOL. Not that it is a good thing- but I can hold my own- I had to for 5 years! I wasn't going to stand for being treated that way so I did the only thing I could do- I fought back. I would usually end up kicking him in the balls to stop him. I feel bad because violence is not me at all and no one has ever sent me over the edge like that- ever! I am the most gentle, caring person- so for this other side to come out of me that I never knew existed scared me to death.


Finally one day we sat down and talked like civilized adults. We discussed issues and somehow he brought up a baby and the next thing I know we're trying to start a family! Even though at 24 I had no desire to have children- I wasn't ready! I wanted to live my life and experience things and I knew it would end up only changing my life because he wouldn't do anything to help raise this child. I knew I'd be on my own. But deep down inside I was hoping having a child would change him for the better and maybe if we had a family he would actually pay attention to me and want to be around me. So we began trying and shortly after I became pregnant. When I found out I was pregnant I freaked! I knew I wasn't ready! Shortly after I found out I was pregnant I misscarried. I was so upset. So was my ex. I was upset because he was actually happy when he heard I was pregnant and he was his normal caring self again. When I lost the baby he went back to his old ways. Then something grew in me as well. I wanted a baby. I not only wanted that closeness with my husband again- I wanted someone who would actually care and be there for me and I would be there for them no matter what. A little life that depended on me and I knew counted on me. I was lonely in my life- I lived with a ghost. I needed a human connection- so we tried and I got pregnant again.


At first my husband was there and happy and caring. But it only lasted about three months- then I was alone again- in it by myself- living with a ghost that spent more time on the phone with girls than talking to his own wife. I knew I would be going in this alone when I was six months pregnant- painting a nursery by myself and trying to drag a huge box of crib parts in the house all by myself and building a crib alone. At the end of my pregnancy I was sick- they were afraid I might have to be hospitalized, but still no concern from my husband and I went to doctor visit after doctor visit alone. One day at a routine appointment I was admitted to be induced because I was just getting too sick. Of course I was alone- scared. I had to call my husband to tell him to come to the hospital. My Mom got there hours before he even showed up. When he finally got there he was too busy on his little phone to pay attention to his wife in excrutiating "I want to die! Kill me now!" pain. So my life began as a single Mom. I got up with a screaming child every night- most nights I was lucky to get 2 hours of sleep and then have to get up and work a full day and come home and take care of a baby and a household- while my husband sat on his ass with no job, never paid attention to his daughter and spent money like it was nothing. Spent it on ridiculous things while I tried to scrape enough money together to buy diapers. I was lucky if I could get him to watch his child long enough for me to take a shower in the morning!


I began to get pissed- so our arguments started again and they ended the same way- physical altercation and him walking away when he had enough of me fighting back. I could handle him beating me- what I couldn't handle is if my child were involved- one day, for once he was holding his child. I started talking to him about his spending habits and told him to get a damn job to support his family. He got mad and dropped our daughter- luckily on the couch and said "You happy now?!" She was ok- just atartled from being woken up so suddenly- but Mama bear came out! I screamed "You Son of a Bitch!!! Don't you ever touch my child again!" It was Christmas time- my Mom had just bought me a nativity scene because I love them. She searched for years to find me the perfect one- he took his hand and knocked my nativity set to the ground- he sent pieces flying everywhere- hitting walls, shattering- one bounced and hit our daughter. That was it- it's one thing to hurt me but you don't hurt my child. I lifted the ottoman we had and I still to this day cannot lift it on my own because it is so heavy. But I lifted it like it was as light as a feather and threw it at him. It hit his legs and knocked him flat on his back. He got up- I immediately started crying "OMG! What did I just do? This man has pushed me over the edge!" I picked up our screaming daughter and held her close- he came over to say he was sorry to her- I told him he would never ever lay a hand on my child. From that day on I never left him alone with her- ever. I had a feeling before he would go in and do things in her room at night because I would wake up to her screaming. Not a tired cry- a hurt cry. Mom's can tell the difference! I would go in her bedroom and he would be holding her- when I asked what the hell was going on he would say "She woke up crying". I would lay her down in her crib at night and she would nearly have a panic attack. She would cry and physically shake- so I would rock her back to sleep and try to put her back in her crib- most of the time she would wake up- I had to rock her to sleep 3 or 4 times usually. Something happened and I will never know what. But something had to happen for a 6 month old to be scared of a crib.


A few months after the nativity set scene- I finally got up the nerve- he hadn't put a hand on me or my daughter since, but now he spent his days and nights drinking. His Father was an alcoholic and I guess he picked it up from him. I also grew up in an alcoholic household- I know the signs. I told him- "we're getting a divorce. You move out of here and go live with your parents because you don't pay any of the bills anyways- so this is my house. Get out." All he said was "fine. House is yours and you can have our daughter." That was it. No fight, nothing. He addressed his own flesh and blood as if she were an object. Didn't care at all that he wouldn't be in her life. We haven't heard from him since except when I have to call him for court papers. It's just us. We are our own little family. But I wouldn't have it any other way. I know we are better off. But I can't believe I am admitting this- I hate him. I have never hated anyone- ever. But I hate him! I hate him for not supporting his family, not paying attention to his family- I may have kicked him out but he abandoned us a long time before I kicked his ass out. I hate him for putting me in a position that when my daughter is old enough and she goes to school and figures out others have a Daddy. She'll come home and ask me "Why don't I have a Daddy?" I honestly wont know what to say- it breaks my heart, I can't say "your Daddy didn't care for us so he just left." That would not be right- what do I say to a child that wants to see her Dad and her Dad wants nothing to do with her? It just breaks my heart.


I have learned so much. I may never be the same person but I am stronger and wiser. That I am happy about. I may be at just as much fault as my ex about our family falling apart- but at least I can walk away and say I will never make the mistakes I made again. What did I learn? Stand up for yourself- don't let others take advantage. Speak your mind- don't take shit from anyone. You can't rely on others to make you happy- only you can truly make yourself happy. Then you can share your happiness with others. Words hurt- use them with care. Respect everyone no matter what. Never ever let anyone make you feel worthless. We are all humans and we are all here for a reason. If you are upset and someone pushes you over the edge- walk away, take a breath, think things out before you act. Don't let others get to you. I've never had another person effect me the was my ex did. I never thought I would resort to violence- yes I know he always started it- but it was my choice in how I handled it. I will never let anyone get to me like that again. That is mostly the reason why I have kept my distance from everyone. I became a hateful person and was afraid I would hurt others. I thought I had become this horrible person that no one would ever want. But I realized- that's not me- never has been. It was my choice to handle the situation as I did. I chose for once in my life to fight back and I sunk to his level. I learned my lesson and I am me again. I remembered the real me and I am me- finally!


Yes I've been down a rough road these past few years- but I made something of it. I turned it into a learning experience I will not let it get me down. I am finally me again and part of that process was admitting all my crazy flaws. This is me- I am here to stay and I am ready to move ahead in my life. Some may try to look at my experiences from a psychological point of view. Probably say "Ah! That's why she likes things rough and likes humiliation! That's all she's ever known- of course she likes someone putting her down and being rough with her." Maybe, maybe not. But I look at it this way, one- ever since I can remember I've been into crazy far out there kinky stuff- way before I met either of these men. I've always been an oddball- never in the "in" crowd- I've always lived on the edge and pushed the limits of society. I like odd, off the wall, raw things. Always have, always will. Two- yes I like others to be in control, I like humiliation, I like things rough yet tender- if there is such a thing! The difference between my past relationships and BDSM? I choose who I want to treat me that way. I choose my limits, how far I'll go. I choose when and where I want to be treated that way. Plus I know I'm respected! I may be into all these odd crazy things- but I know the one I'm with actually respects me. In my relationships- there was no respect. They didn't put me down because it was a kink- they put me down to crush me emotionally. That is the difference. I make the choice. I put myself in the situations. I willingly give my trust to another and trust they will take care of me physically and mentally. That is the difference- choice.