So I have spoken to a lot of Dom's at this point. Quite a few have recommended I buy a "handbook" for submissives since I am new to D/s so I have a guideline for what is expected of me as a submissive. Um- you're all crazy! I hate to say it but that is my opinion. Ever heard of being naturally submissive? Isn't that what most subs are? Deep down you have to have that type of personality in order to truly be submissive. What woman is willingly going to submit when they want to take control of situations? Doesn't make sense! So why would I need a book to explain to me how to let another take control when I do that naturally?
Well- I figured, since I am new to this maybe I'll buy a book and see if there is anything in there that would help since this is a whole new experience for me. Maybe I'm forgetting or accidentally doing things I shouldn't, not knowing I am offending people. So I bought a little "handbook". I was right- it is a total crock of shit! It makes it seem so clinical. It suggests if you are new to the scene to observe other sub's and figure out which behaviors you think are acceptable and which are not. Then avoid the unacceptable behaviors and make it a goal to focus on the acceptable behaviors. Sounds to me like they are stating I need to change my personality to fit what I think a Dom wants in general. Sorry- not going to happen. I am who I am, I feel I need to find the right Dom that fits my personality- not change who I am to please ANY Dom. It is a different dynamic with each partner. I've been in enough situations now to know that even though I have my own personality- each Dom brings out different aspects of my personality. Some may like to be called Sir- and I love that. Some don't like to be called Sir, which is fine. Some may like a bratty personality and me fighting them every step of the way- which I admit I do in the beginning. Some may want me to just shut up and follow rules no questions asked all the time. I admit once I am in the "zone" I fall into the role of the submissive they are looking for. Once I know how the Dom wants me to respond to them- I follow suit. But I still remain me, just that different parts of my personality shine through more than others.
Reading this book made me stop and think about what type of submissive I am. The author mentioned how she can't stand bratty behavior. I admit I am one that acts bratty a lot of the time. Not to say it is all the time, every time. It just made me stop and think about my behaviors and really think more about what type of Dom would fit my needs. I know some are saying "a Dom to fit YOUR needs? I'm the Dom- you only worry about MY needs!" Well if that is your view- we will not get along. Plus- if I view things differently from a Dom- I definitely will never fulfill their needs. You have to start with the same view of D/s. You have to be into the same kinks- or open to trying new things with that individual or else it will just turn into a power struggle! I know from experience LOL. I talked to one Dom that just wanted me to shut up and do whatever he said no questions asked- 24/7. I pushed the whole way. I said no, I disobeyed on purpose sometimes because that is me. He had a real problem with that and thought I was truly not submissive. He said "maybe this life style is not for you." I disagree- he may not have liked bratty behavior, but I have found some that like that playfulness just as much as I do. It's not that I'm not submissive- anyone who truly knows me knows I am the epitome of a sub when it comes down to it. I can't be anything else. It just shows that everyone has different needs when it comes to D/s.
So I took the time to sit down and think about my behaviors as a sub. I think it is important because that way you know exactly what type of Dom would suit you. So I analyzed my behaviors with Dom's. I'll give you a little taste of my "style", if you want to call it that, of submission. When I start chatting with a Dom- I'm not one that writes messages starting out with "Dear Sir"- no that's not me. I talk to you as a person first. I want to get to know you and your personality. What are your likes, dislikes- to see if it is even worth our time to get to know one another. Once I've established we have the same interests and views I basically let the Dom take the lead. Ask me questions, get to know me, tell me your "style" as a Dom. I tend to take a backseat and I don't ask questions or demand anything- I figure if you want to tell me anything you will just come out and tell me. Once I've established contact I basically want to see how dominant you are. Do you take over completely or are you still trying to be "respectful" and treat me as an equal? I admit- I like someone who takes control, but not to the point that it feels like I HAVE to submit to you the minute I start chatting with you. I just want to have that sense of confidence there all the time. I want to know you truly are a Dom even in day to day life. I like strong personalities- bold individuals.
So once I get a sense of a Dom- I start to test he he. Yes I can be bratty, usually only in the beginning or only while chatting online and on the phone. Honestly when I meet someone in person it is a completely different story. I'm in full submissive mode in person. I like to see how much I can push and get away with. I may purposefully not say Sir or crack smart ass remarks. I get a little rush when someone says "excuse me?" when I forget to say Sir or they remind me of the rules I am to follow. I like to find out the person's reaction when I don't follow directions to get a sense of how it would be in person. Also I think it makes it a little more interesting if I am not compliant from the beginning. To me it is more of a reward if I am resistant in the beginning and you get me to submit to you by being the Dom that you are, putting me in my place. To me it's a win win situation. You get the satisfaction of a strong female submitting to your strong personality and I have the satisfaction of finding someone strong enough to put me in my place.
So most can't handle my brattiness on the phone I will admit- most view it as me just being disobedient. I may lay it on a little thick from time to time just to see if you truly can handle my stubborn personality. But in person it is completely different. It seems once I am in the presence of a Dom all that stubbornness melts away, unless I just happen to be in a really feisty mood that day- which does happen from time to time. Generally when I am in the presence of a dominant personality- its like a switch has been flipped. I immediately become shy, quiet, obedient. I wait for the Dom to start conversation, ask me questions, let him take the lead in conversation- let him steer me in the direction he wants it to go. The more I talk to someone the more I open up. So I may seem very shy at first and not open. But as time goes by I open up more and more. I wait in anticipation for the moment that you switch into Dom mode, when we are away from others and you speak to me in the tone that lets me know- "OK now you are to be submissive and know your place. We are no longer equal- you are to submit to my every desire." As soon as I know we are in that role- I can't help it- it just happens. I immediately feel like I can't make eye contact, I stare at the floor. My voice gets softer, I usually answer in very short precise answers. Usually I'll just sit in silence until you ask me yes or no questions and will only answer "yes Sir" or "no Sir". Of course I smile the whole time- I can't help it- this smile just comes out of nowhere. I like how controlled I feel in that moment. I like the feeling of another in control of everything.
As the conversation goes on I become less resistant. I try to please as much as I can. Whether it be the tone of voice you want me to speak in, what you want me to say, the way you want me to sit, stand. I do everything willingly- no fight at all. I'm in complete "sub mode" now. For some reason when it becomes physical I revert back a little. I start to resist again if you tell me to undress or bend over etc. I may not outright say "no" but I may wait for you to repeat yourself twice, maybe three times sometimes. I want a response out of you- put me in my place again. Remind me who's in charge. Pull my hair, grab my arm, whatever. Just establish your control with a touch, maybe even a whispered threat. Then as time goes on I am more and more in the moment to the point where you tell me to do/say something and there is no fight at all. I relish in that moment, I love that feeling. The feeling of total control and my willingness to do whatever I can to please. I seem to be unable to form words- I just feel/do. The only time I will talk is if you tell me to say something. I seem to forget how to form thoughts into words. You may ask me a question and all I can say is "I don't know". I'm completely in sub mode at that point. I'm totally enveloped by the sensations I am feeling and want you to take what you want, I give everything willingly.
Some talk of aftercare, time for a sub to switch back to "normal". Honestly most are completely shocked that the moment we are said and done- I switch back to "normal" instantly. I don't usually need time to recover- once the moment is over I am not enveloped by it anymore- I think clearly instantly. A few have said to me "wow, I was trying to get you into sub space but I couldn't". Just because I snap out if it the instant it is done does not mean I wasn't in "sub space". I definitely was- I just recover fast. I can only think of one moment when I was in shock after and did not recover right away. Maybe because the experiences I've had have not been the most intense- who knows. I guess I will have to wait and find out. The only moment when I felt like a deer in headlights was the Mistress Trinity encounter. I think it was mostly because it all happened so quickly- no warm up. Just one minute we're talking the next she's using a flogger on me when I expected a spanking and not a flogger. I think it was more the shock than it just being an intense moment. After I could barely walk and I seriously felt like my eyes were the size of saucers. All that was going through my head was "THAT just happened! OMG! Seriously- that just happened." I was just in total shock that I was spanked and flogged by a woman and liked it! Not just the woman part- but the fact that I actually enjoyed being spanked and flogged. That was definitely an eye opening moment. I think that is the moment that totally solidified my need for BDSM.
So there is a little bit about my view as a sub. I say screw these "handbooks". Yes they can be helpful, don't get me wrong. But honestly when I am in the moment- I can't be anything but myself. Plus- I like being me. I don't see that as a problem and I think everyone should be comfortable with being themselves no matter how bratty or obedient you are. I just happen to be a little stubborn in the beginning- and I love it!
