Oh boy! Where to start? I've had a lot on my mind lately- so I'll try to keep it toegther as possible. But fair warning-this post may just be filled with random thoughts that come out of nowhere and don't connect, and probably leave you wondering "how did she get from here to there?". So I apologize in advance- that's just the way my mind works.
One thing I forgot to mention before was something that Blow Pop would tell me during our conversations. He always wanted me to be open with him and let him know what was on my mind. Yet when I told him, he would always say "You're overthinking. That's not good when it comes to BDSM. You shouldn't think so much." What? You just asked me what was on my mind! I tell you then you basically say to me- don't think. Is it I just don't have the "correct" thoughts in my head for you? BDSM not about thinking? Um- am I crazy in thinking this goes against everything? At least for me- the mental aspect is the draw, the backbone for everything! Am I just odd?
Anyways- this leads into the true reason for my post. To explain the craziness of how my brain operates. Well- I do overthink. I overthink EVERYTHING! I always have and always will. So the issue becomes- can my partner learn to deal with that and understand it? The question I dread most is one that is aksed of me all the time. What's on your mind or what are you thinking? I think "oh god, if you only knew! But there is no way in hell I'm going to tell you 75% of what is going through my head right now!" So I sit and think "well what one thought out of the hundred going through my head is safe to mention?" So to buy myself time I ask "what?" like I didn't hear the question. They repeat the question- "well crap that wasn't enough time". So I repeat the question to them like I'm making sure I understood it. Response "yes!". I think "oh great now they are getting irritated and probably think I'm completely idiotic. Well better go through the rolodex of thoughts in my head and decide what to say. No, no, no, no, definately not that, no, no, never EVER going to say that, no, no, no. Hmm, well I'll just keep quiet then." So I respond with "I don't know." They say "you don't know what your thinking right now?!" I respond "no". "Oh great, now they think I'm a total idiot!" So then more irrational fears creep in- I think they are judging me so I just freeze and keep quiet. It is a vicious cycle.
So how does this tie into D/s? Well at the moment I am talking with someone and I mean serious talk! Not like the little instances with the other two people that consider themselves Dom's. I don't think I would even consider what we did D/s- they were just two kinky guys that liked to boss women around a little. So while talking to this individual I'm slowly realizing- whoa- this is the real thing! OMG! So I've been psyching myself out. I know I enjoy it but my irrational fears get in the way and I start to freak out. The reason I'm freaking out is because due to how I think- I hesitate constantly. So when I'm told to do something- I'm expected to do it the first time no questions asked. Yet I freeze and start thinking. I know there will be consequences if I hesitate too much so I fear the whole time will just be spent on "punishments" due to my overactive brain! Plus the fact- I'm new to this- of course I'm going to hesitate until I completely understand what is expected of me and I become comfortable with it. Not to say my hesitation would always be there- but in the beginning one needs to take in consideration how my brain functions and rememeber I'm new to this and nervous.
At this point I know this is a lot to handle. I know a lot of Dom's don't want to put in that much effort to get results. They want someone who follows their orders- no questions asked. I want that as well but it takes time for me to get there. So at this point- is this too much to handle? Do you really want to put up with my overactive brain? :)
