I have realized something about myself recently. I knew I was a passionate person but didn't realize that I bring that aspect into every part of my life. I'm not just talking about passion in the sense of relationships, sex. When most hear the word passion they immediately think of sex, pleasure. I realized I approach everything full force from the beginning. I don't embark on any project in my life without being passionate about it. I put everything I have into every situation in my life. I am enveloped by it- I think that is why I tend to think things to death. When I am in a moment I am THE moment. I let it take over- I breathe in the moment. Whether it be work or time with my daughter, time with a friend, working out- I am in the moment completely. Nothing shakes my determination. I also think that is why I tend to take things so personally and I let things get to me. I am forever giving my all in every aspect so I get so involved in the moment that every emotion I feel is intense. Whether it be sorrow, anger, happiness, excitement, love- everything is intense to me.
So I wonder if a person can be too passionate. Am I too passionate of life in general? I know I tend to put myself out there more due to the fact that I am so passionate but I can't hold it back. If I hold it in I feel like I'm going to explode. I am forever having others tell me to relax in situations. I can't! Can't you see all my feelings just seeping out of me? Some may find it annoying, some may love it. I think it is a great trait to have. But it does have its benefits and its downfalls. Since most don't seem to be as passionate about life as me- they view me as too eager to please or weak. I don't think a willingness to please is a weakness at all. It is part of me and I can't help that- why should I feel bad about that? Yes it can get tiring feeling everything so intensly every moment of everyday but I can't turn it off. I've found that people have taken advantage of my eagerness to please and my passion for life. That is where it can be a bad trait- if someone wants to use it to manipulate you. But I think it is more of a good trait than a bad trait. Especially in this lifestyle. Knowing I am a passionate person and knowing I will do anything to please lets my partner know I will always give 100%. I will be in every moment of every encounter with my Dom. I will do everything in my power to make sure I please every moment of everyday.
Just the past few days something has switched in my thinking process. I don't know what triggered it, what brought it on- or if it just happened. I went from thinking as an independant individual wanting to be bratty and push limits and fight someone with everything I have to wanting to turn down that brattiness and only please. I want to know what exactly pleases a person, so I know everything I do pleases them. What the hell? Since when do I want to willingly submit with no fight at all? What changed in me? I think I just officially became a true sub this week. I think I was still trying to fight against my needs because I still thought it was crazy for me to want to give that much control to another. But now- that's all I want. I totally yearn for the feeling of being owned- cherished. I want to live to please another- I don't want to disobey and fight someone. I want them to tell me exactly what I can do to please them and give my all to please.
I am not going to reveal anymore about this subject at this point. I am a little confused by this transition at this time and I need to digest. I have been caught a little off guard by this change in thinking. I don't know what to do with it at this point. Yet- I am so at peace at this moment in my life. I feel like I've come home after being away for a long time. I feel like I've finally found that girl I was 10 years ago- but now I am a grown woman willing to admit to my true self.
