I am still amazed each day by how comfortable I am getting when it comes to BDSM. Now that I'm comfortable with it I can explore more and truly figure out what I enjoy and what I can do without.I think since there are so many aspects of BDSM I will continuously evolve. I may like certain things now but decide later on they really don't do it for me anymore.
Things I thought I liked in the beginning- I've found out I don't like so much- and things I thought I had no interest in- I love! For instance in the beginning I thought I was into humiliation- well I found out I am but only in certain aspects. I'me fine tuning my kinks :) I found I definately do not like verbal humiliation- like name calling or comments like "your worhtless" or "your pathetic". I dislike that so much. But physical humiliation I love. Such as: having to walk around without any clothes- completely naked, Told to wear more revealing clothes- or go without underwear or a bra, Told to stand or sit in different positions- like bent over a desk naked, legs spread or with a skirt on, flipped up and no underwear. That type of humiliation I love- live for!
I never thought I would be into pain. I think because society views people that enjoy pain or enjoy infliciting pain as sick, twisted individuals. So I was totally closed off to the idea of being excited about being spanked until my ass is so sore I can't sit down. Or being turned on when I see bruises develop from rough play all over my body. Having my hair pulled so hard I tear up; having a cock shoved down my throat so I gag. Being slapped on the face- pushed, thrown down on a bed, shoved up against a wall- hand around my neck applying pressure. It took me a long time to admit to myself that that is what I like. It intrigues me that is what I love the most so far out of everything I have tried- rough play and pain- I love every moment of it.
Another thing I've learned as well is not only do your likes and dislikes evolve- in my case it changes with every partner as well. One thing that feels right with one may not feel right with another. It's situational- I may enjoy calling one person Sir, but it may feel completely odd with another. I may enjoy verbal humiliation with one but feel completely degraded and used with another. I may want one person to tie me up and use me for their pleasure only, yet with someone else I may want them to please me as much as I please them. When it comes down to it- personally anyways- since I am so into pleasing my partner- I enjoy whatever it is they enjoy. I find out what they like and I am comfortable with those things in that particular situation. I definately have hard limits on certain things but everything else I am open and willing to try with my partner if I know it will bring them pleasure.
The biggest thing I've learned so far is it's ok to try new things and it's ok to chage your mind on your likes and dislikes. At this point since I have not tried much when it comes to the "list" of different BDSM experiences I feel like a kid in a candy store. I stand in awe- trying to figure out which one to try first. They all look so yummy and I want to try them all to see which ones I like. I want to run through the store and grab everything all at once and gorge myself because I have held in my need for so long. Sometimes it is so overwhelming that my days are filled with nothing but thoughts of BDSM- I want to experience so much all the time right now. I feel like I have to make up for lost time :) But it might just be because I'm a sex crazed redhead- I can never get enough.
Side note:
I was discussing something with a Dom the other day that I have thought about numerous times before. I wanted to ask all the Dom's out there a question. I know how hard it was for me to admit that I enjoyed pain- I can only imagine how hard it was for some to come to terms with the fact that they liked inflicting pain. So I want to ask if you are willing to share your experiences with me- how did you feel going through that? What made you realize it was ok? What was your turning point? At what age did you know you enjoyed BDSM? How did you get involved in BDSM? Anything- I would love to hear some of your experiences.
Saturday, July 24, 2010
I Am Woman- Hear Me Roar!
As I said before there were two major events in my life that shaped who I am- I discussed the first, now for the second. After I ended the relationship with my first boyfriend I dated a few people and in that time frame was my little kinky friend with benefits that kind of introduced me to D/s in a way. I didn't get involved in anything serious because as I said I was numb- I didn't feel emotion anymore- I just existed.
Deep down I know I'm the type that craves that deep connection with someone. I want that closeness. So I got up the courage to start dating again- seriously. I ended up going on a dating website because I was such a shy person at that time I thought it would be the only way for me to put myself out there to meet people. I ended up meeting who would soon be Mr. Ex-Mariposa, my now ex-husband. I went into it thinking "well I have to open up sometime! I can't be one of those old women with 50 cats that never gets married or never has children!" Plus my Mom was always saying "at your age I already had 2 kids and was married." For God's sake- I was only 20! My Mom is very old fashioned in that sense- she thinks women get married as soon as they are legal and pop out babies and stay home to raise the kids. Also I have two older siblings- there is a bit of a gap in age so at 20 I already had two married siblings and one had a kid. It made me feel like an old maid- at 20! Neeldess to say I felt the pressure from everyone to find a damn husband and procreate.
In my mind I thought "there is no way I can EVER open up to someone again. I'm not putting myself through that again." But out I went- searching for a husband. I wanted to meet a sweet individual that was not pushy or overbearing in any way (which is the exact opposite of everything I actually want!) But I thought- if I meet someone who is shy and sweet and caring- he would be less likely to hurt me. So after talking to Mr. Ex-Mariposa for a few months we met in person. He was in the air force at the time. He was very sweet- totally spontaneous. I thought "great, opposites attract!" I figured it would be a great compliment to my personality. I'm the type that makes lists and checks them twice and then I make a list about that list and check that twice! You get the point- I plan, I don't take chances, I am in no way spontaneous. I thought his personality would help me loosen up a bit. Come to find out- it wasn't that he was spontaneous- it was that he just didn't have the drive to do anything with his life.
I'm not going to focus on what made our marriage fail very much for two reasons. One: it is still a bit painful to talk about and I'm not to the point yet to bare every horrible detail of it. Two: The reason for our divorce is not what shaped me- it is the year after we split that shaped me. So I'm focusing on the positive- what got me to where I am today.
Let me give a breif history of the problems that ultimately led to our divorce. Mr. Ex-Mariposa was a very difficult person to live with. I don't even know where to begin because there were so many problems in our marriage- so I'll just list them and get on with the story- I don't want to waste my time on him. Can you tell we still don't get along? :) Ok- one: he was a huge cheater, he loved women. Two: he couldn't keep a job to save his life; he lost 6 jobs in 6 years. Three: nothing was ever his fault- he always had an excuse for the things he did which led him to hurt people. For example- his cheating was my fault. I didn't pay enough attention to him, yet it was ok for him to spend his whole day on a computer game and only talk to me for maybe 15 minutes a day if I was lucky. Yet- I was the one that needed to pay more attention to him. Four: he stole my credit cards numerous times and maxed them out. He took money from our bank account, leaving our account overdrawn by quite a bit a few times. Basically it was all about him yet he was non existent in my life and our daughter's life. He was physically there but not emotionally. Our daughter was lucky to see her Father every few days for about 30 mintes because he couldn't get his ass off a damn game.
I got so tired of him ignoring us I would get so upset and overwhelmed with life in general because I was the only one doing anything to support our family that I would scream at him. I have never yelled at anyone- ever! Except for him. I'm not proud of it but he made me so upset I had to let it out- I screamed almost every night so much that I didn't have a voice in the morning. What was his response? Nothing- he just sat there, completely silent, didn't even look in my direction, didn't even acknowledge my presence in the room with him. Finally one day I told him I wanted a divorce- his only response was "OK, you can have the house and Sassy(that's my daughter, nickname of course :) and I'll go move in with my parent's." What?! That's it? I devoted my life to caring for you, taking care of this family and all I get is an ok? Plus he acted as if our daughter, his own flesh and blood, was a piece of property that could just be left behind. In that moment- it all came to a head. All the hurt I never dealt with from my first relationship combined with the hurt from my failed marriage broke me. Mentally- I checked out.
We went our separate ways- he moved across the country to live with his parents. There I was left alone with a house to take care of, a child to raise and a pile of debt to take care of. I felt abandoned, alone, forgotten. At first I was completely relieved to come home to an empty house and not have to deal with the stresses of a non existant person in my house. But it got lonely- overwhelming. I felt completely alone, secluded. I knew there was nothing anyone could say or do that would make it better. I just had to stay as strong as I could and move ahead, take it one day at a time and hope my life would get better.
I got to the point where I was even more numb than I had been up to that point. I just took up space on this planet- I only had one reason for existing- caring for my daughter. After a while I was so tired of being numb I tried to eat to feel something. I went from dealing with anorexia on and off my whole life to gorging myself on food to try and comfort myself. It still didn't help- if anything it made it worse. The guilt I felt from eating so much due to my anorexic ways prompted me to make myself vomit. The first time I did it- it was like a release. I know horrible and disgusting but true. I felt something besides pain and numbness. I developed bulimia. My days consisted of working and after I put my daughter to bed each night I would proceed to stuff myself with whatever I could get my hands on and make myself sick for hours. After that- my throat raw from it- I would cry myself to sleep if I could fall asleep at all. There were days I got up for work without any sleep whatsoever because I was up all night crying. The only thing that kept me going- that made me get up in the morning, the reason for not just giving up and ending my life was my daughter. I knew I had to take care of her- she was and still is my life, my purpose for being here.
For almost a year, during all the divorce proceedings, my life stayed the same. I was numb, existing, not sleeping, making myself sick. I was a walking zombie. Shortly after our divorce was final I found out Mr. Ex-Mariposa had moved to Arizona and was living with a girlfriend- I had not heard from him at all in months. No phone calls to see how his daughter was doing, no financial support- nothing. I found out the name of the girl he was with somehow and realized it was one of the many girls he was involved with while we were still married. Immediately I freaked! I thought "oh God- this is going to push me over the edge. How much worse coan it get?"
Shortly after that day I had an epiphany. It came out of nowhere- I was in the middle of working and it was like someone hit me over the head. In an instant I went from a broken soul to thinking "what are you doing?! These men still have control over you even though they are no longer in your life. You are letting them get to you. They don't care- they have moved on. But here you sit- still letting them control everything about you. Take back the control! They are YOUR emotions, YOUR actions, YOUR choices. Don't let their idiotic choices dictate your life. It is your life, your mind, your body- no one else should have control over that! Take back control of your life!" In that instant everything changed. I was no longer numb, angry, depressed, upset. I knew what I had to do.
I spent 10 years of my life thinking that the experiences you have in life define who you are. That's not true- my experiences don't define me in any way. What defines me is the way I handle each experience, not the experience itself. I realized I was making the choice to be depressed and not move on. So right then and there I made the choice to be ME again- whatever that may be. I was not going to dwell on the past ever- I promised myself I would find that person I was 10 years ago. That bubbly, outgoing, go getter, confident girl. I admit I am not completely there yet but I get closer each day. Now I am comfortable in my own skin- I know who I am and I accept it. I accept everything no matter how good or bad. Just like I finally accepted and admitted to myself that BDSM is for me- there is no turning back now. I've tramsformed from an ugly caterpillar to a beautiful butterfly that has just spread her wings- I have yet to fly completely free. But I know I will get there soon enough. Look out world- Mariposa is back!
Deep down I know I'm the type that craves that deep connection with someone. I want that closeness. So I got up the courage to start dating again- seriously. I ended up going on a dating website because I was such a shy person at that time I thought it would be the only way for me to put myself out there to meet people. I ended up meeting who would soon be Mr. Ex-Mariposa, my now ex-husband. I went into it thinking "well I have to open up sometime! I can't be one of those old women with 50 cats that never gets married or never has children!" Plus my Mom was always saying "at your age I already had 2 kids and was married." For God's sake- I was only 20! My Mom is very old fashioned in that sense- she thinks women get married as soon as they are legal and pop out babies and stay home to raise the kids. Also I have two older siblings- there is a bit of a gap in age so at 20 I already had two married siblings and one had a kid. It made me feel like an old maid- at 20! Neeldess to say I felt the pressure from everyone to find a damn husband and procreate.
In my mind I thought "there is no way I can EVER open up to someone again. I'm not putting myself through that again." But out I went- searching for a husband. I wanted to meet a sweet individual that was not pushy or overbearing in any way (which is the exact opposite of everything I actually want!) But I thought- if I meet someone who is shy and sweet and caring- he would be less likely to hurt me. So after talking to Mr. Ex-Mariposa for a few months we met in person. He was in the air force at the time. He was very sweet- totally spontaneous. I thought "great, opposites attract!" I figured it would be a great compliment to my personality. I'm the type that makes lists and checks them twice and then I make a list about that list and check that twice! You get the point- I plan, I don't take chances, I am in no way spontaneous. I thought his personality would help me loosen up a bit. Come to find out- it wasn't that he was spontaneous- it was that he just didn't have the drive to do anything with his life.
I'm not going to focus on what made our marriage fail very much for two reasons. One: it is still a bit painful to talk about and I'm not to the point yet to bare every horrible detail of it. Two: The reason for our divorce is not what shaped me- it is the year after we split that shaped me. So I'm focusing on the positive- what got me to where I am today.
Let me give a breif history of the problems that ultimately led to our divorce. Mr. Ex-Mariposa was a very difficult person to live with. I don't even know where to begin because there were so many problems in our marriage- so I'll just list them and get on with the story- I don't want to waste my time on him. Can you tell we still don't get along? :) Ok- one: he was a huge cheater, he loved women. Two: he couldn't keep a job to save his life; he lost 6 jobs in 6 years. Three: nothing was ever his fault- he always had an excuse for the things he did which led him to hurt people. For example- his cheating was my fault. I didn't pay enough attention to him, yet it was ok for him to spend his whole day on a computer game and only talk to me for maybe 15 minutes a day if I was lucky. Yet- I was the one that needed to pay more attention to him. Four: he stole my credit cards numerous times and maxed them out. He took money from our bank account, leaving our account overdrawn by quite a bit a few times. Basically it was all about him yet he was non existent in my life and our daughter's life. He was physically there but not emotionally. Our daughter was lucky to see her Father every few days for about 30 mintes because he couldn't get his ass off a damn game.
I got so tired of him ignoring us I would get so upset and overwhelmed with life in general because I was the only one doing anything to support our family that I would scream at him. I have never yelled at anyone- ever! Except for him. I'm not proud of it but he made me so upset I had to let it out- I screamed almost every night so much that I didn't have a voice in the morning. What was his response? Nothing- he just sat there, completely silent, didn't even look in my direction, didn't even acknowledge my presence in the room with him. Finally one day I told him I wanted a divorce- his only response was "OK, you can have the house and Sassy(that's my daughter, nickname of course :) and I'll go move in with my parent's." What?! That's it? I devoted my life to caring for you, taking care of this family and all I get is an ok? Plus he acted as if our daughter, his own flesh and blood, was a piece of property that could just be left behind. In that moment- it all came to a head. All the hurt I never dealt with from my first relationship combined with the hurt from my failed marriage broke me. Mentally- I checked out.
We went our separate ways- he moved across the country to live with his parents. There I was left alone with a house to take care of, a child to raise and a pile of debt to take care of. I felt abandoned, alone, forgotten. At first I was completely relieved to come home to an empty house and not have to deal with the stresses of a non existant person in my house. But it got lonely- overwhelming. I felt completely alone, secluded. I knew there was nothing anyone could say or do that would make it better. I just had to stay as strong as I could and move ahead, take it one day at a time and hope my life would get better.
I got to the point where I was even more numb than I had been up to that point. I just took up space on this planet- I only had one reason for existing- caring for my daughter. After a while I was so tired of being numb I tried to eat to feel something. I went from dealing with anorexia on and off my whole life to gorging myself on food to try and comfort myself. It still didn't help- if anything it made it worse. The guilt I felt from eating so much due to my anorexic ways prompted me to make myself vomit. The first time I did it- it was like a release. I know horrible and disgusting but true. I felt something besides pain and numbness. I developed bulimia. My days consisted of working and after I put my daughter to bed each night I would proceed to stuff myself with whatever I could get my hands on and make myself sick for hours. After that- my throat raw from it- I would cry myself to sleep if I could fall asleep at all. There were days I got up for work without any sleep whatsoever because I was up all night crying. The only thing that kept me going- that made me get up in the morning, the reason for not just giving up and ending my life was my daughter. I knew I had to take care of her- she was and still is my life, my purpose for being here.
For almost a year, during all the divorce proceedings, my life stayed the same. I was numb, existing, not sleeping, making myself sick. I was a walking zombie. Shortly after our divorce was final I found out Mr. Ex-Mariposa had moved to Arizona and was living with a girlfriend- I had not heard from him at all in months. No phone calls to see how his daughter was doing, no financial support- nothing. I found out the name of the girl he was with somehow and realized it was one of the many girls he was involved with while we were still married. Immediately I freaked! I thought "oh God- this is going to push me over the edge. How much worse coan it get?"
Shortly after that day I had an epiphany. It came out of nowhere- I was in the middle of working and it was like someone hit me over the head. In an instant I went from a broken soul to thinking "what are you doing?! These men still have control over you even though they are no longer in your life. You are letting them get to you. They don't care- they have moved on. But here you sit- still letting them control everything about you. Take back the control! They are YOUR emotions, YOUR actions, YOUR choices. Don't let their idiotic choices dictate your life. It is your life, your mind, your body- no one else should have control over that! Take back control of your life!" In that instant everything changed. I was no longer numb, angry, depressed, upset. I knew what I had to do.
I spent 10 years of my life thinking that the experiences you have in life define who you are. That's not true- my experiences don't define me in any way. What defines me is the way I handle each experience, not the experience itself. I realized I was making the choice to be depressed and not move on. So right then and there I made the choice to be ME again- whatever that may be. I was not going to dwell on the past ever- I promised myself I would find that person I was 10 years ago. That bubbly, outgoing, go getter, confident girl. I admit I am not completely there yet but I get closer each day. Now I am comfortable in my own skin- I know who I am and I accept it. I accept everything no matter how good or bad. Just like I finally accepted and admitted to myself that BDSM is for me- there is no turning back now. I've tramsformed from an ugly caterpillar to a beautiful butterfly that has just spread her wings- I have yet to fly completely free. But I know I will get there soon enough. Look out world- Mariposa is back!
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