I think I've played enough now to figure something out about myself. Most- when they think of a submissive- they think someone who gives control willingly to another; one who lives to please. Most want a sub they "train" to act how they want- no questions asked. Just to behave and do as your told the first time. Now I love to submit and I wouldn't, couldn't have it any other way. I love to be dominated and there is no way in hell I would ever want to dominate another. But a lot of people have said to me "you're not a true submissive if you always misbehave and don't follow rules and commands." Yes I admit I like to misbehave and push buttons- does that still make me submissive? Does that make me a bad submissive and will one get fed up with my unwillingness to do things the first time I'm asked? I know every dynamic is different between partners but it seems I am in the minority in my thinking and most want a sub that is a "good little girl" and does what she's told 24/7.
I like to hear someone repeat themselves and push me before I ultimately give into their demands. I do get in my moods where I am the perfect little subbie but 9 times out of 10 I like to be bratty. Does that make me a horrible sub? Or less of a sub? I can't help it! To me it is boring if I follow every command and give in no questions asked. To me that is not stimulating. No- I like to pause and not answer when I'm asked a question so my hair will be pulled a little harder or spanked a little rougher. I like a rough touch and I like to be pushed out of my comfort zone a little. I like when someones words get a little more harsh and demanding with each time they repeat themselves. My question is, when is enough- enough? When does it cross the line and become a problem? Does it get annoying to my partner to always have to push me for me to give in and submit? I honestly wouldn't have it any other way. If I just follow commands no questions asked I feel like I'm not even taking part in the scene. I feel like a ragdoll, a stand in- anyone could submit to demands. It's not stimulating for me at all unless I put up a little fight. Plus I live for that little rush I get when I'm standing there waiting, wondering what will happen if I don't submit right away. What can my partner come up with next? How far is he willing to push me? Is that wrong of me?
I feel the only way I can take part in a scene and stimulate my partners mind as much as they stimulate mine is if I fight a bit. As I said it is more a mental thing for me. Just as I like to be kept on my toes- I like to keep my partner on their toes by fighting back a little so they have to come up with new ways to get me to submit to their will. Does that make me less submissive because I want to have some form of control in a scene? Some Dom's I have talked to say it is actually the sub that has all the control. At first I thought- how the hell is that possible? As a sub you give your control to another to use you however they see fit. The Dom is the one that decides what to do and when to do it. The Dom makes the decisions and punishes or pleases when they want to- so how is the sub the one in control? Now I get it! The sub is the one that sets the limits. The sub has a safeword that will stop a scene. The sub WILLINGLY gives up control. You have to be willing to hand over that control for it to even be a D/s dynamic. If not- there would be no such thing. But- it takes both a Dom and a sub for it to work.
So to me- I feel the way I can please is to show my WILLINGNESS to submit. That is the only "control" I have in a scene. For me it is a huge gift (I know a lot of people have a problem with that word, but whatever) to give my submission to someone. Even though I like to submit and am a very kind and giving person- I am very headstrong and love control in my everyday life. So I tend to fight, fight, fight in the beginning of a scene and then once I get in the groove and get more relaxed with someone I give over more and more control. I'm not one that will just submit to anyone- so for me to submit to you- I do view it as a gift because it takes a strong willed person that I trust and care for in order for me to submit completely. So when I fight in the beginning it is because when I do give in I feel like that is me saying "alright. I give in- I am giving you my all to please you by giving up my control. So do with me as you will because my willingness to do anything to please YOU is my gift to you." Also I think when I fight in the beginning and finally do submit to your will that is more rewarding than just submitting from the beginning because I think it shows I am willing to submit to YOU, not just anyone- YOU. I think that is more fufilling than someone who will just submit to anyone who claims to be a Dom. I think if you "earn" my submission it is more fufilling for both. Am I completely wrong in my thinking here? Personally I don't think so.
