I have a dream! A dream that one day... well I do have a dream but it's not inspirational. A dream that a lot will not understand one bit but I don't give a damn! First off- side note. I'm sorry Kinky and hmmm- what should I call Kinky's new play partner? Hottie Patottie- cause she is! I'll admit when a girl is attractive hehe. Kinky and Hottie- I'm very sorry for my outburst in my last post. I am still new to all this and it is my own insecurities that cause the issues. Also because it came out of nowhere and I was totally not expecting it. I have no problem at all with Kinky having another play partner- I'm actually happy! I am happy knowing it makes him happy and I'm glad others get to explore with such an awesome play partner- he really is! I just let my own insecurities of not feeling adequate and pretty enough get to me from time to time. It was in no way shape or form meant to hurt either of you or make you feel bad in any way! I was just voicing my concerns at the time. Play, explore, have the time of your fucking life because everyone deserves to. Hell- I'd love to hear the adventures you two have- just not right after a play session Kinky :) At dinner? Sure! Hanging out? Great! Before a play session? No problem! Just not when I want to know how I made you feel during our play session- that is my time! But any other time feel free to discuss anything- I love kink and that is is why I enjoy my time with Kinky so much- we can talk about anything! Oh and Hottie Patottie- pst: two things- if there is anything in my blog that gets to you let me know, honestly. Second- you chose a great person to explore with. He is kind and considerate and adventurous. Plus you are really in for a treat let me tell you! :)
So- I have a dream.... fantasy, mirage whatever the fuck you want to call it. Poly Heaven!!!!!! Ahhhhh! Am I going straight to hell for including those two words together? Probably- but fuck it! I'm having too much fun! Let's call it Operation P.H. shall we? Ok- too far? Meh- who cares. What is Operation P.H. you ask? My ultimate fantasy when I first learned about the poly lifestyle when I was a teen. Say what?! yes- lets just describe it as a poly household. That to me would be fucking awesome! To have a whole group, friends, play partners, whatever- that all have an understanding and it's just a free for all! Huh? Damn right it would be awesome! Boys, girls, everyone lets join hands and sing!!!! Menage, orgies, boys on boys, girls on girls, boy on girl on boy on girl on boy on girl- what am I Dr. Seuss now? But what would be the best part of it all? The support, knowing you have others that understand where you are coming from. The love! The understanding! The... pleasure! Well a girl can dream.
I'm know I'm not the only one out there that is into that type of thing so don't judge people! You're kinks are probably way worse than mine! hehe I think that is why I enjoyed BaGG so much. It was like a free for all of spanking! Except- I think I was the only sub there. Everyone was exchanging spankings. Um no- I don't do the spanking- I live to be spanked!!!! But go ahead all! It was hilarious and a joy to watch actually. Also- Kinky's friends I met- it was like a close knit group and they all just seemed to be comfortable and open with everypone in their little group. Awesome! I felt like a little nerdy girl on the outside like "What do I have to do to get in the club? Do I have to audition ot something? I want in!!!" No- I don't just screw anything that walks! I am one that has to have that established trust in order to play- but once I trust you- go to town! Also- public play, little more lax. Like when Kinky and I went- if he trusted the person enough to say "spank Mariposa." I would trust him enough to not have some crazy ass sadist have his way with me. So public play a little different.
Oh- another tangent. Yeah Kinky- you want me to have to use my safe word? You are going to have to try a lot harder Sir. Implements you say? Bring it! Flogger? My favorite! Also- crops- God! I saw this video with one being used and I sooooooooo want to try it. Restraints? Mmmmmm! Rope? Dear Lord! I can't wait, I can't wait, I can't wait!!!!! What was I posting about again? Sorry I get going on kink and I just fly off the handle. Oh right- poly! Yeah- you get it- I was born in the wrong era. Free Love!!! To most- especially in the lifestyle I can come across as very closed off and not willing to try ANYTHING! I'm just a very shy person- but all you have noooo idea of the dark, sadistic, twisted fantasies that go through my head. Many I honestly am embarrassed to admit. That is exactly why I am not posting them on here! But if I did I would finally hear the words I've been wanting to hear forever- "damn girl!! You're a freak!" That's right! Only a few will ever get to see just how much of a freak I really am though. The rest of you can just sit and wonder. Sooooo- Operation P.H. possible? Maybe- you never know. For now- come on people and let your freak flags fly high!!!
Tuesday, October 19, 2010
Real Thoughts
Ugh! I hate insomnia- but I have so many things running through my head right now. Possible issue- OK R, please just don't even mention this post. I don't want to address this issue and I don't want to hear what you think I should feel about this subject and blah blah. I just have to voice it and move on. I can't sleep- why well one: I was just told something that I didn't think would upset me in the least but am sad to find out it kind of does upset me. I mean I'll get over it but right now I am pretty sad.
I know I'm not one that can totally satisfy a person- plus I know that it is hard for me to find one person that fits all my needs. I just didn't expect things to happen so suddenly. I feel like as soon as I really started to connect with Kinky- and I finally really start to open up and get very comfortable- something is thrown into the mix I didn't expect! Lately since BaGG it seems I have not been holding Kinky's interest as much. That to me kind of sucks because it takes me a long time to open up completely to a person and I feel now I can't. I feel like there is something in the way. Yes I understand we are poly- I'm not saying I'm not but it is odd to me that only one other person was mentioned before that he had a connection with and then all of a sudden out of nowhere- here comes news of another girl I have heard nothing about- oh and he seems less interested in me when we do play!
But the real reason I am upset is because of something that happened tonight. I felt as if I am competing for time with this girl and that I don't hold his interest. I have no issues with being poly- Kinky can play with whoever, whenever he wants. We are not in a committed relationship and I am fine if he plays with others- I have no claim on him. But- when you are with me, be with me. I don't want to hear about how much you can't wait to spank someone else's little ass after you just fucked me. I want to hear if I did for you! Not how someone else is going to do it for you later on in the week. I understand you are excited to get to play with someone new and I know how it can take up a lot of your thinking- it's like a new toy. You always are fascinated with the newest toy you have. The others that you have had for a while kind of get pushed to the back for a bit. I understand that- I just didn't expect it so quickly ater we started to really connect. I feel kind of cheated honestly.
I am one that concentrates on one connection at a time. Also- I am one that doesn't connect with a lot of people. I am very choosy and I will only open up to a select few. If I'm just starting to connect with someone- I don't want to bring another into the mix until I have really established where I lie with the other person. Now I feel I can't do that because this other girl is taking up Kinky's time with me. I spent a lot of last night hearing about this girl. I don't mind hearing about her but to me it seemed like he would have rather been with her than me at the moment and I don't like feeling that way. I don't mind talking of others, hell I wouldn't mind being friends with this girl- but sorry- when I am with an individual- it is Mariposa time! Call me greedy- but you concentrate on me! You still feel a connection to me? Show me and stop wondering about your new toy! If that is the case- I don't want to play for a while until you get her out of your system a bit and can go back to giving me your all when you are with me. I came back from vacation wanting to actually open up to Kinky a bit more and had a few questions for him on our connection and then out of nowhere "Hey- yeah, so want to be listed as play partners on fetlife? Oh by the way- there is another too. I ask because she asked if she could list me as a play partner so I figured I'd better add you too." Ok- well, that explains the distance after such an awesome night at BaGG- I thought there was something wrong with me! No- nothing wrong with me- I haven't changed. I was wanting to come back after vacation and sit down and actually discuss what the fuck we are and where we are going but then I am hit with this out of nowhere!
I'm only upset because- fine call me greedy, call me what you will- but I want my time just like everyone else. That is the only reason I am upset. I feel that I now do not have my time and the attention I need to have a fufilling experience. Also- R and something Kinky said last night kind of upset me. They both mentioned how busy I am because I'm a Mom. Also- Kinky told me to go home to my daughter. Ok people- I am a grown adult and I can do whatever the fuck I want and stay out as late as I want. Just because I'm a Mom does not mean that I can't have time for myself. I put my child first yes- but don't mention it and tell me to go home and take care of my daughter and then spend half of the night with me talking about some other girl. That is not fufilling. That does not show me you want to spend time with ME. Thas shows me your mind is somewhere else and I feel you would rather be with that other person at the moment and do not appreciate the time you spend with me. If that is the case- no problem. Just tell me and I'll let you be for a while. If you don't want to take the time out of your day and would rather be with another- go spend the time with them then. It makes me feel like I'm just a stand in for the time being. I don't like that. Concentrate on me and not another. That is my only issue. Also- I have had maybe 2 hours of sleep and I get a little cranky when I don't sleep so it might be worse also just because of that factor hehe. But last night I did feel like I was competing for time and I don't like that feeling.
I know I'm not one that can totally satisfy a person- plus I know that it is hard for me to find one person that fits all my needs. I just didn't expect things to happen so suddenly. I feel like as soon as I really started to connect with Kinky- and I finally really start to open up and get very comfortable- something is thrown into the mix I didn't expect! Lately since BaGG it seems I have not been holding Kinky's interest as much. That to me kind of sucks because it takes me a long time to open up completely to a person and I feel now I can't. I feel like there is something in the way. Yes I understand we are poly- I'm not saying I'm not but it is odd to me that only one other person was mentioned before that he had a connection with and then all of a sudden out of nowhere- here comes news of another girl I have heard nothing about- oh and he seems less interested in me when we do play!
But the real reason I am upset is because of something that happened tonight. I felt as if I am competing for time with this girl and that I don't hold his interest. I have no issues with being poly- Kinky can play with whoever, whenever he wants. We are not in a committed relationship and I am fine if he plays with others- I have no claim on him. But- when you are with me, be with me. I don't want to hear about how much you can't wait to spank someone else's little ass after you just fucked me. I want to hear if I did for you! Not how someone else is going to do it for you later on in the week. I understand you are excited to get to play with someone new and I know how it can take up a lot of your thinking- it's like a new toy. You always are fascinated with the newest toy you have. The others that you have had for a while kind of get pushed to the back for a bit. I understand that- I just didn't expect it so quickly ater we started to really connect. I feel kind of cheated honestly.
I am one that concentrates on one connection at a time. Also- I am one that doesn't connect with a lot of people. I am very choosy and I will only open up to a select few. If I'm just starting to connect with someone- I don't want to bring another into the mix until I have really established where I lie with the other person. Now I feel I can't do that because this other girl is taking up Kinky's time with me. I spent a lot of last night hearing about this girl. I don't mind hearing about her but to me it seemed like he would have rather been with her than me at the moment and I don't like feeling that way. I don't mind talking of others, hell I wouldn't mind being friends with this girl- but sorry- when I am with an individual- it is Mariposa time! Call me greedy- but you concentrate on me! You still feel a connection to me? Show me and stop wondering about your new toy! If that is the case- I don't want to play for a while until you get her out of your system a bit and can go back to giving me your all when you are with me. I came back from vacation wanting to actually open up to Kinky a bit more and had a few questions for him on our connection and then out of nowhere "Hey- yeah, so want to be listed as play partners on fetlife? Oh by the way- there is another too. I ask because she asked if she could list me as a play partner so I figured I'd better add you too." Ok- well, that explains the distance after such an awesome night at BaGG- I thought there was something wrong with me! No- nothing wrong with me- I haven't changed. I was wanting to come back after vacation and sit down and actually discuss what the fuck we are and where we are going but then I am hit with this out of nowhere!
I'm only upset because- fine call me greedy, call me what you will- but I want my time just like everyone else. That is the only reason I am upset. I feel that I now do not have my time and the attention I need to have a fufilling experience. Also- R and something Kinky said last night kind of upset me. They both mentioned how busy I am because I'm a Mom. Also- Kinky told me to go home to my daughter. Ok people- I am a grown adult and I can do whatever the fuck I want and stay out as late as I want. Just because I'm a Mom does not mean that I can't have time for myself. I put my child first yes- but don't mention it and tell me to go home and take care of my daughter and then spend half of the night with me talking about some other girl. That is not fufilling. That does not show me you want to spend time with ME. Thas shows me your mind is somewhere else and I feel you would rather be with that other person at the moment and do not appreciate the time you spend with me. If that is the case- no problem. Just tell me and I'll let you be for a while. If you don't want to take the time out of your day and would rather be with another- go spend the time with them then. It makes me feel like I'm just a stand in for the time being. I don't like that. Concentrate on me and not another. That is my only issue. Also- I have had maybe 2 hours of sleep and I get a little cranky when I don't sleep so it might be worse also just because of that factor hehe. But last night I did feel like I was competing for time and I don't like that feeling.
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