So am I going to jump into the dark abyss and become a hermit again or am I going to actually live and experience life? Hell yeah I'm going to live!!!! I am having way too much fun to stop. I am on a road to finding myself again and I have never been more happy- ever. I realized what got to me yesterday- well it's a combination of things going on in my life right now. I am dealing with a lot of changes and big decisions in my life right now and I'm not one that does well under stress. I totally let it get to me. I know that and I'm trying to work on it. I always think it is good to learn your weaknesses and work on them so you can grow as an individual. That is what I strive to do everyday- be the happiest and healthiest I can be. Because you only live once and I want to stop letting things drag me down and actually live. I deserve it!!! What got to me yesterday? Well I am dealing with some stress in my personal life when it comes to family at the moment so anything could have pushed me back into my old habits of wanting to run and not face things. It's the straw that broke the camels back- and I never know what will trigger certain feelings. Also I didn't know I had been dealing with certain things in my life the way I have been dealing with them until I sat down and thougth about it.
I realized I have two parts to my life now. I have my kinky side and my friends that are into BDSM and then I have my "vanilla" friends and family life and work. I have subconsciously been keeping them totally separate. It's like I'm Superman- I am both kinky and I have my normal everyday life- my everyday clothes and my leotard and tights underneath- oh and the glasses of course, can't forget those- that's totally what throws people off! They will never recognize me as kinky Mariposa if I remember to take the glasses off. My outer layer is my normal life and underneath, hidden where no one can see is my kinky side. I hide my kinky side and when I want it to come out- I take off my normal everyday life layer. So yesterday R met my daughter for the first time. Uh oh! The two sides collide! My kinky side has just entered into my everyday life. Now part of my "kinky world" has met my domestic side. Yes we went to a kid friendly place and yes there was no discussion of anything kinky- well there was some, she's only 2 and a half she doesn't understand everything yet. But yet it was still odd because here I am as a Mother hanging out with a friend that is kinky like me and I have really only seen him in an adult setting- holding my child and pushing a stroller and making up ridiculous songs to sing and annoy the shit out of me!!!! I'n thinking "wait, wait- hold up here! You are not supposed to have a soft side Dude. You are a Dom and have always been a Dom in my presence- so you don't get to be all kid friendly with my friend. I mean for God's sake- you set rules for me and punish me by me taking pictures of my ass and chest and panties that you bought for me and have Domme's flog me! You don't blow bubbles with a 2 year old!"
I guess I have been living in two different worlds for my own peace of mind. I thought I had to hide my kinky side and am still ashamed of it a lot due to my family being so close minded. But I realized I shouldn't have to hide it because both sides are me. There is no reason why I have to keep living in two different worlds because this is me- take it or leave it. That doesn't mean I'm going to go tell my family- "hey, I like to get spanked and all those bruises you see on me- yeah bite marks." No way in hell am I going to tell them! I just mean that if I am going to keep meeting new people in the lifestyle as I am and I hope I do because I am enjoying it so much- that I shouldn't feel ashamed for being a single Mom and still kinky. Or that it is ok for my friends to see me in a normal everyday setting. Honestly it would be great to have friends that I feel comfortable with my family meeting since I am a huge family person. I am very close to my family so I am tired of feeling like I have to hide every single reason for going out. I make up ridiculous lies about where I am going and who I am hanging out with because I don't want them to get suspicuos of my recent outings hehe. But I don't want to do that anymore. This is me and I am accepting both sides of myself. I am just going to go with the flow and be open and live. That is all I can do and all I want to do at this point. I just want to experience life to the fullest. Oh- side note. Don't worry Kinky- my next post will be about our last meeting :) I just had to finish this one up.
