On My Soap Box

Yes, yes I know my blog has been a bit on the serious side lately. I admit I've been taking life a little too serious lately. So thank you all for pointing it out to me- I forget sometimes and I retreat. I needed a little time to regroup- after all the name of my blog is my "journey" as a submissive woman. What- a girl isn't allowed to have a bad day? (totally being sarcastic) But thank you for reminding me to not take things so personally. Also- I know a lot look forward to reading new posts everyday- but honestly if I post everyday it will seem like a diary entry some days. My writing is effected by my mood and daily life. That's just the way it is. Honestly I have been a little under the weather this past week and it most definately has effected my mood which in turn effects my writing perspective. I'm still not feeling 100% I'm sitting here with a massive migraine I've had for a week now- but since you all seem to enjoy my blog so much- I write and suffer through the pain for you! :) So- you're very welcome!


Hey R, FYI- you may not like this post so much LOL. I'm just speaking my mind though- so here goes nothing. Lately I have been so wishy washy about where I stand. One day it's only looking for play partners; next day- no definately a relationship. Or one day I decide I'm completely done with everything and I can't handle BDSM. I admit I am getting a little tired of changing my mind and R I'm sure you are as well. But after all I am a woman- aren't we known for changing our mind all the time? I know, I know- excuses. Honestly I think it comes down to the fact that since I'm so new to this- of course I'm going to be confused on what I want. I'm still exploring and becoming familiar with all this. Plus- I'm slowly trying to come to terms with the fact that it is ok if I want to just have a play partner and nothing else. Why do I have a problem with that? Well one- the way I was raised and two: society has made it so people look down on women that don't want a committed relationship- yet men are praised for it. I feel as long as I am safe and sane in my decision making- why should it matter if I want to peruse the many men that God has put on this lovely planet we call home?


I grew up being told- women get married and have babies and live happily ever after. They always watch what they say and present themselves in a ladylike manner. What do I say to that? Fuck off! I'm done being a "lady"- that's not me! Never has been but I've tried to be just that for so many years because it was ingrained in me that women should not be sexual beings at all. That we should be seen and not heard and proper- blah, blah, blah! Not to say I don't act like a proper woman out in public- but I can be a dirty girl in private hehe. So screw you society for making me feel like a huge disappointment because I enjoy sex and love men! This is me and I'm embracing it. I want to see what there is out there to be discovered in this new found life of BDSM. I don't want to be tied down to a "relationship"- if something develops from a connection then great! Not saying I'm never going to be in any type of relationship ever again. Just at this point- I want to have fun! You only live once right?


So this inner struggle I've been going through for the past few weeks comes from me trying to "feel" something for someone I play with. Again- I had this belief that if someone sees me naked- plus are doing cray dirty things to me- there should be "feelings" there! I thought I can't just have fun with someone because they do it for me. I may have the same kinks and think they are hot as hell- but I should feel something for them if they are spanking my ass and pulling my hair, fucking me- shouldn't I? I admit it- I don't care anymore! If someone does it for me- they do it for me. Why should I feel guilty about that? I have a crazy out of control sex drive- someone/something made me this way! Should I have to sit and suffer and feel guilty about wanting what I want? I don't think so- not anymore anyways. No don't worry R- it doesn't mean I'm just going to go around sleeping with everyone I come across! It just means I'm more comfortable in my own skin. Hey- don't even preach to me about meeting up with someone just for sex alright? LOL You know what I'm talking about. We are all pervs here- don't try to hide it. (I'm happy to say I have been named chief perv by someone- before I would have taken that as a total put down- but now I'm embracing it)


So- who knows I may come back next week with "I need a relationship." But the point is- I'm on a journey- I'm still exploring, finding out what I am looking for. So don't rain on my parade. We all go through times of self exploration- all of us! Mine just happens to be written down for all to read now hehe. But I do admit I enjoy it or else I wouldn't put it out there. I'm an open person- I'm not one that hides things from people. You either like me or you don't. This is me and I'm not changing.