Inner Battle

I've felt a little out of sorts lately. I haven't been able to put a finger on why I have been. I'm usually very good at understanding what is going on in my head- this time- I keep asking myself "why have I checked out emotionally? Why am I so worried of what others think and worry that I will say or do the wrong thing?" I think I finally figured it out. Due to the immature asses I chatted with before- it has made me now forever doubt the intentions of others. Now that I'm actually communicating with a great person I doubt if they truly are what they say the are. I can't see how anyone would be interested in owning me because I've let these boys make me feel less than. I am again letting others control my happiness and I'm tired of it. So I'm just going to put it all out there and if I fail, oh well. At least I'm being honest and true to myself.


So lately instead of focusing on a connection with someone I've been reading into things way too much and not just having fun with life in general. I just need to be me! I'm the type that goes with the flow- what will be will be- I try not to let anything get to me. But many have said to me- "oh the guys on your blog don't have a good track record." Well honestly because I only post about the jackasses- I don't care if they get mad about what I say. I've never posted about the great people I meet. I feel bad writing about someone I am either still talking to or if it didn't work out just due to personality/kink differences. But I am going to post about the one I am chatting with at the moment for a few different reasons. One- I need to get out all this drama going through my head (sorry to say R but a lot of the questioning has come from things you have said LOL. You seem to like to freak me out and play mindgames) Second- if this person is going to own me in the future, I think he needs to get used to me posting about him because I fully intend to keep posting about my experiences. Of course I would totally respect his wishes if he did not want me to post about him, but I really want to post about all the great experiences I will have. Third- he is a great person and I want to share my thoughts- I'm tired of holding all this in and want to say how much fun I think we could have and how we are possibly an awesome match. Especially seeing as I have never been owned before- he seems like the best person for me to get my feet wet with, he is understanding and firm when he needs to be but also is interested in getting to know me and not just telling me what HE likes for others to do to please him. I think we view D/s in the same way and also he likes me being fiesty from time to time which is a huge thing because I have come across so many that see that as a bad personality trait. I can't change that about myself and honestly it is tough to hold in that fiesty part of myself. I like to fight at first, then I'll give in. To me it would be boring if I just followed directions everytime no questions asked, no resistence. Not to say it is an everyday occurance but I like to do that from time to time. A lot view that as just being disobedient- I don't see it that way. I see it as more of a challenge and also more fun. Don't you agree that it is more fun to have someone fight you and then eventually submit instead of one that just follows your directions first time they are asked, everytime? Isn't it more rewarding to have someone submit to you after a bit of a fight? I think it is.


So the question is do I give him a candy name or not? Nothing seems to quite live up to his personality. Also if he ends up being my Dom am I really going to call him a candy name? No- probably not. So I think to show respect and show I am truly serious about all this- for the time being I will address him as Sir. I will discuss it with him later and ask his opinion. But in this post I will call him Sir.


So I have been chatting with Sir for quite some time now. The first time I started chatting with him I was very impressed- we seemed to view things the same and it was easy to converse. But honestly seeing the pics he had up on his profile I immediately thought "oh no- he's too cute to be interested in someone like me. He is probably looking for the perfect pinup model type blonde hair. He is not looking for a redhead with curves." So I chatted with him not expecting for him to be impressed with me at all. What can I say- ok yes I admit I am a shallow person when it comes to looks so I expect everyone else to base their impressions on looks first. Especially in a lifestyle like BDSM- most do base their opinion of you on looks first, personality very last. Hell I admit I am into looks first! But I will take the time to get to know an individual- some wont. So yeah- now that we've established that I think Sir is cute lets move on LOL. At the time I was honestly chatting with like five different Dom's and liked something about each of them. They all had bold personalities and at that time I thought being bold about wanting to know about kinks and looks and everything was the way to go. I was not looking for slow moving people and them wanting to get to know me for me. I was looking for a play partner- not to be owned. So Sir was kind of pushed to the back of the pack just because he was not as bold as the others. Come to find out- that is not what I am looking for. I'm not just looking for a play partner and for someone to only worry about how they can do it for me or if I am willing to submit to them for one play session. Plus I pushed him aside because I thought he had no interest in me except just as friends and someone to chat with when he was bored.


One day we were chatting and in the midst of a conversation Sir told me he was interested in me- that he liked me. That opened my eyes. "oh- so he is actually just taking the time to get to know me! What a concept!" Then I realized- he would make an awesome match as a Dom. I got that feeling from the beginning of chatting with him but did not pursue anything because I thought he had no interest in me as a possible sub. So once he showed interest I thought I need to slow things down here and take a good look at the possible connection here. I had only been interested in finding a quick fix for my need for D/s before but it was not fufilling. I realized I wanted to be owned- have that consistency with someone in order to trust one enough to experience all the things I want to try. I'm not going to just let some stranger I've only met once tie me up and have their way with me. No- I have to trust the person completely that they are not going to do anything stupid and that they know what they are doing! I can't have that connection with someone unless I take the time to get to know them and see if we truly are a good match. Then after I realized I wanted to find a Dom to own me I happened upon another Dom who had a lot of the same personality traits and views of D/s as Sir. Then the inner battle began.


Thoughts filled my mind of "are they truly genuine? What if I focus more on one and they turn out to be just another jackass trying to win over my trust just like the others? Who's to say they are both the way they present themselves? Can they both truly be such nice caring people? What if I concentrae more on one and they turn out to be a total fake- then I've shut the door on the opportunity to get to know the other- and they might be genuine. How is it that there can be two such wonderful people in this world?" But I didn't want to lead one on just to keep them in my back pocket in case the other the other turned out to be a total fake. I didn't get the feeling either were fake- but you can never tell online. You can present yourself any way you choose- but I didn't want to say this to either and have them think I am doubting them because I truly wanted to see if we had a connection and if it was worth the time getting to know both of them. They have both been consistent in the way they have presented themselves, but you can only get to know a person so much from chatting. Eventually you have to meet, see if the person is truly genuine. So I hold back waiting to meet them in person to see if they are truly who they say they are. I feel bad for having reservations but I can't help it- especially since I've met quite a few that have been total fakes.


So at this point- I am very interested in Sir owning me but I think I truly have to see if he is the person he has presented himself to be. If so I think we would totally get along great and it would be an awesome match. But I can only put myself out there so much and can only feel a sense of his personality so much online. It's not up to me where it goes at this point. I am willing to put myself out there now and say I really want to see where this goes because I really like his personality and like the way he approaches things- but I am not in the driver's seat. I'm open and waiting to get to know him better- it's now up to him if he is really looking to get to know me and thinks I would be a great match. Come on- I'm willing and open, take it where you want to- or tell me if you really are not interested and just want to chat only.