I met with Kinky this week. I was honestly having a bad day and so was Kinky. I've been stressed due to things going on in my life and I was selfish, turned into a girl for a minute (went back to old habits as usual, insecurities) I gave Kinky a hard time. Come to find out he is as stressed as I am now if not more so! I immediately felt bad when he opened up to me and told me how stressed he was. I felt like I was 3 inches tall. Here I was flipping about my own insecurities and letting my own mind get to me yet again causing Kinky even more unneeded stress. So after work we talked on the phone- he said he was going to beat the shit out of my ass because I made him frustrated. I thought "go ahead! That sounds like fun! Seriously do your worst. I don't mind being an object you take your frustrations out on from time to time- especially since I caused the frustration."
I still hate to admit, mostly to myself, how much I actually like pain. It's a hard concept to wrap your mind around. I know I'm not alone in liking pain- hell, there are people out there that like way more pain than I could ever dream of! Not saying I enjoy it to that extreme but I do like a lot more then I ever thought I would. Plus the scary part- the more pain that is inflicted on me- I want it to be more and more intense each time. That is truly a scary thought! I think- "what sick twisted individual wants to be in pain?! How can pain bring me pleasure? You're supposed to fear pain, run from it. Yet here I sit wanting more and more of it." It's not so much the pain I enjoy as much as the bruises and the soreness the next day. That's what I enjoy the most. I feel sick and twisted for admitting that- but it is what it is and I can't figure out why I enjoy it and I don't think I'll ever know why- I just know I enjoy it. So when Kinky said he was going to hand it to me I thought "oh, perfect opportunity to get out all my frustrations as well! I think a good struggle would do the trick!" So I tell him- why?! I have no idea!!! I don't think before I speak, things just fly out of my mouth. You would think I would have learned by now! So he says "oh, it's on the minute you close that door when we get to your house." Ooooh! Fun! I say "bring it!"
Now, on the drive home-I know this whole situation is going to end one way and one way alone- Kinky in control. I know this, he knows it- but I figure, meh I could give him some trouble- it's all in fun. But I know I need to get in my little sub zone in order to make this work. I've found that I truly do have to somewhat prepare myself mentally because I always have a million things going on in my head so I try to take time to clear some of that out and focus. That way when Kinky asks me his questions I'm not sitting there saying "I don't know" I know that can get frustrating and boring. So I try to not to do that anymore. But I don't calm myself as I normally would because I'm ready to put up one hell of a fight! I'm talking kicking, biting, scratching, throw me to the ground! Let's do this!!! I have a lot of frustration to get out too! But I know in the end I'll submit- so I get in my little subbie zone.
I get to my house and I'm completely mentally prepared- do your worst! I walk into my house, put down all my stuff and just relax. From the kitchen I walk back to the living room and "OMG!!!! There's a mutant in my house!!!" I start hyperventilating. Now I admit- I do get freaked out by a lot of things- but I do have a few things I would consider real phobias: snakes, heights, deep water, bugs and little people. I know it's horrible, ok? I know but I can't help it! Don't get me wrong- I love all beings on this planet- some just freak me out a little. Maybe I've seen Wizard of Oz too many times- I see a little person in the store and I freeze! What are there going to be flying monkeys next?! Or little orange faced, green haired men singing "Oompa Loompa Dupity Doo" Yeah- Willy Wonka- another horror flick for me. Sorry- horrible again but I admit my faults. Anyways- huge mutant!!! There is some creepy, horrid, ugly, huge ass bug crawling around! I scream like there is an axe murderer in the house. There goes all my preparation out the window. I'm now freaking because this- thing- in my house and it's looking at me! I sit down and I am not moving until that thing is out of the house! I am not taking my eyes off it- it could charge at any time! Who knows- it could have hundreds of razor sharp teeth and if it bites me it could paralyze me with its venom and then eat my body whole! Ok- so very unlikely- but anything is possible!
Now, instead of being calm and getting ready for God knows what with Kinky- I'm now curled up in a little ball in the corner in fear for my life! Kinky comes in "Kill it!!!!" My hero! He killed my arch enemy. Now I feel bugs crawling all over me- ugh! I'm in a frenzy and not thinking straight now- Kinky gives me a hug. Awww- I like how he greets me. Always so nice- isn't just in Dom mode right away. Get to take time and say hello and we can talk as friends and ok we're sitting down in a chair. He's sitting in my lap? OK- why- are- YOU- straddling me? Shouldn't it be the other way around? He kisses and grabs my arm and puts it behind my back- awww man!!!! You manipulative, little evil #%*^ @!#$(& #$$%*&! I've been duped! I know I wont get out of this one but I try. I try and pull my hands ou of his grasp and I succeed a few times- I make him drop the cuffs he was trying to put on me. Ha ha! Now you have to get up and get them! So maybe I can jump up and get off this chair. "See I plan. I have reserves." He pulls out another pair of cuffs from his pocket. Dammit! Then I look down- he has pants on that have like a million different pockets! I'm thinking "God what else is in there?!!!" I see rope so I take it and throw it. I know it wont do anything but at least he'll have to get up and walk and go get it! "That's fine! You can throw that rope. I don't need it. I have more in my other pocket." Fuck! What- your pants like Mary Poppins bag? What are you going to pull out next? A St. Andrews Cross? Lord! I'm pissed! I still fight him as much as I can before he's able to get a cuff on my wrist. But as soon as he has one wrist I know I'm doomed. Fine! Alright! You win! You happy?!!!
I stop fighting as much once he gets the cuffs on cause I know I've been defeated. Had to open my big mouth! Had to plan! Thought I could get away with something as a sub- nope! You don't play fair Kinky! He grabs the rope and grabs my foot and tries to tie the rope around my ankle. I know I have no way of getting out of being tied up now since I no longer have use of my hands but I figure I can delay the process as much as possible. So I try and stop him from tying it around my ankle by sticking my other foot in his way. "That's fine. I'll just tie your ankles together." I don't know why that thought freaks me out! the thought of being tied to a chair unable to move at all? No- that's fine. But my ankles tied together! OMG! Something's completely wrong with my thought process. So I ease up on fighting him. He ties the rope around my ankle and then ties my ankle to the chair leg. OK- spread eagle or ankle's together- which is worse? I'm not sure.
As he's tying my leg to the chair I glare at him. "what's that look for? Hmmm?" I say "You don't play fair." I'm still pissed! I was looking forward to one hell of a struggle! Now I'm sitting here dead in the water! No chance! "You forget I'm the one in control." Yes, I know. Now, I try to be good- I really do. I want to be the perfect little subbie and be there to please and not fight and just give myself over- but no matter what! Everytime! I can't help myself. I want to fight back! Especially in this instance. I'm all worked up now- I'm not just going to sit and take your control! You didn't play fair- you manipulated! I say "for now you are." Just wait! Wait until you untie me from this chair! Or better yet- wait until I have my chance at being a Domme! OK- so I'm still not sure how it will go. I will either fail miserably or if all goes according to my plan- it will be quite an experience for Kinky-a great one! :) He slaps my face "you are in a bratty mood today aren't you?" Oh- you have no idea! I could honestly give you much more trouble than I am but I'm trying to bite my tongue. I come back with more bratty comments. "Who's the one tied to a chair?" So! What's your point? Yes I may be cuffed to a chair and you're tying me with ridiculous amounts of rope so I'll have no way of getting out-but I will not admit defeat! I still have my words- it may not be much, but I do have that you sneaky bastard. I make it my goal then, that night- I will not let him get me to enter sub space- I will fight you! You may have my body under control- but try and get me to submit completely! I can't fight you physically now but I can challenge you mentally.
Kinky finished tying up one leg. He stands and gets the rope ready to tie my other leg. I make more bratty comments "Hmmm- what can I use as a gag in this house?" No! My only defense left are my words! I reel it in a little- don't want that taken away from me. He starts tying my other leg to the other chair leg. I don't fight him anymore- I don't want a gag! "There's nothing you can do now. I could even leave you here tied up, alone." I say "you wouldn't do that." He gives me a look like "oh, really?" Fine- you would! I let him finish his rope work. Then- he gets more rope and ties my torso to the chair! Come on! Are you going to use all 100 ft. of rope on me? Geez! Then he puts another set of cuffs on me- ow! These ones are tight. He takes the other pair off that he had on me before. "You know the difference in these cuffs?" No- "the ones you had on before gave you more range of motion. These ones limit your motion." Dammit! Like I could move if I wanted to anyways? He loosens the cuffs a little- yeah! I have pretty small wrists! Maybe I can squeeze a hand out! Not that I have any idea what I would do if I succeeded. I would just end up back in the cuffs and have a punishment coming my way. But I still try just because I'm stubborn. Yes my wrists are small but I can't squeeze my whole hand out- damn! Now my hands are just more uncomfortable!
Kinky smacks my chest. Yow! He lifts up my shirt- oh great! Real sexy! Here I am in scrubs with an elastic waist and they're 2 sizes too big! Elastic pants? Oh- couldn't think of anything sexier! Ugh! Plus I'm swimming in my scrubs due to the 30+ pounds I've lost recently! Not buying new ones till I'm to my normal weight! Ok- so I might have to because by then they'll look like mumu's on me! See- I'm generally a thin person- I'm generally a toothpick! But we're not getting into my whole weight gain/loss BS right now! So I'm freaking out inside- put my shirt back down! Oh- great! Now the bra is out of the way too! Grand- just grand! If there is one body part I am most self concious about it would definately be my breasts- or my stomach- yeah those are the areas affected by having kids!!! Damn you child bearing! Never again! So anytime my chest or stomach is exposed I freak! OMG! Shield your eyes from the damage that is being a Mom! Oh the horror! Used to be confident- used to have it going on. But now- I cringe! OK-enough about my millions and millions of insecurities. Then- Kinky takes a picture! No! Come on!!! Do we really have to document this? Maybe if I had a hot corset on or something, fine. But now? Really? EVIL!!! Ok- fine, you can take pics but no face and I am NOT looking at them! "Look up" No! He pulls my hair and makes me look up- Grrrrr! Then- he makes me look at them! Why?! Why torture me this way?
Kinky decides he wants to find something to clamp to my nipples. Meep! That thought freaks me out! That's a tender spot! But, ok- I'm open, lets see. He looks for these clips I had- thank God they are no longer in the house. Ha ha! I hear him go out to the garage to look for something. Of course my mind goes into overdrive "what the hell could he be finding out there?!" he finally comes back in- he wont let me see what he has in his hand. He starts using it on the back of my neck. Kinda sharp- but sends shivers down my spine. "How does that feel?" "Interesting" he moves to the front of my neck and uses it along my collar bone and breasts. "You can use lots of different items around the house." Curiosity is killing me! "Like this screwdriver." he shows me hmmm- ok screwdriver. The list of household items I view differently is getting longer and longer. He goes back to looking for clapms! No! He comes back- he notices some things he brought. Sorry, I'm a girl and I totally am blanking on what the name of what it is he used. Oh no! He sits down so he's straddling me while I brace myself for agony! He puts it on my nipple- ok little painful! He asks- I tell him. He takes it off and pulls my hair so I'm looking at him. "I'm not here to cause you pain. I'm here to give you pleasure." Mmmmm- oh you sure do!
Kinky says "Awww- I forgot Mr. Stingy." Woo hoo! yeah- Mr. Stingy- the evil little paint stirring stick or whatever it is! Yes- there are a few household items now that I will never view the same. I will never be able to go into Lowe's or Home Depot and buy paint and when the sales clerk hands me a stir stick- I'll shuddder. Or go to a restaurant and see a salad fork and laugh! Yeah- last time we went to dinner I made some smart ass remark and Kinky said he would use the fork on me. He said he would steal it to prove his point. Ha ha! No you wont! Later that evening what does he pull out of his pocket? The fork! My fridge- Mmmm. Ok- so last little spanking session lets just say I never understood when someone said they could orgasm from spanking. Um- now I understand. I didn't but I came so close! Pushed up against my fridge! Now dining room chairs- yeah, whole new outlook. Next- one of my daughter's books! That is just wrong in so many ways ;) Kinky picks up a thin book and proceeds to smack my breasts and my thighs with the book. I admit- does sting a bit- but the actual sound of the impact is more daunting! Thwack! Holy Shit! Plus in an empty house with wood floors things echo. You are not sending me into sub space- I refuse! Not happening! I can control one thing right now and that is wy will! Mwahahahahaha! The legs I can handle- the chest, a little more tender! He stops- ok hold it together Mariposa, you got this- recover! Done!
Kinky grabs my hair and pulls my head back "Do you think you deserve your Masters cock?" Um- well considering I've been fighting you and talking back- I don't really know! I ask him if he thinks I do- I don't know if I've completely crossed the line or not! He pulls my hair again "I asked if you think you deserve it." Um, um- it this a trick question? Why not? "yes" "Do you want to be untied?" "Yes" "Yes what?" "Yes please?" "Yes please what?" Oh- now we're enforcing the Sir/Master thing?! I fight it- I like saying it but I fight it- I don't know if he wants me to use Sir or Master! I don't do Master! Well, maybe I would, but I'll fight you on it! So I say "Yes please Sir." "Hmmm- that'll do for now." He takes the cuffs off- phew! Those are some indents! He unties my torso as well. But he leaves my legs tied. He pushes me forward and lifts my shirt and smacks my back. Yikes! Tender! He smacks hard and fast- I will not enter sub space! I will not enter sub space! Dammit! He smacks my sides- that pushes me over the edge! I'm in a light form of sub space. I'm content- I just sit there silent while he unties my legs. Before he unties both legs he ties rope around my wrists and hooks the rope to his belt loop like a leash. What now? I just got my hands free! He finishes untying me and stands me up and takes me into the kitchen. He slams me against the wall. "oh, that's right! You like the fridge!" He slams me against the fridge. He takes the rope off his belt loop and ties it to the door handle of the fridge. He starts spanking me. Love, love, love spanking! He pulls down my pants and continues spanking me- "oh that's right you still have cold stuff in here!" He takes the rope off the handles and goes rummaging through my freezer. "No!" Even though I am very interested in sensation play- I figure I have to keep up the fight. It keeps me out of sub space and that's my main goal right now! He grabs an ice pack. Ok- cold! He sticks it on my ass. Then he spanks me a little more and a little more ice.
Kinky starts looking around again. What are you going to use next?! He finds a fly swatter! Thank God it's never been used! But I'm freaking inside- it just seems like it would do some damage! I start saying "No, no, no!" Thwack! Thwack! Stingy!!!! "oh- that side doesn't do anything. Let's try the handle." What? How do you know? Are you the one being swatted on the ass with it?! He hits me with the handle- OMG!!!!! Ok- that, that stings! It reminds me of that God awful thing they used on me at BaGG last time! For the first time ever playing with Kinky I'm thinking- "safeword? Should I use my safeword? No that will stop everything! Plus I'm fighting tonight and he wont get the satisfaction of me giving in!" Thwack! Thwack! FUCK!!!! He stops- whew! Survived that one. Ok- regain composure here Mariposa. He starts spanking me again. Too late- I don't know what it is but there is nothing than can make me submit like a bare hand spanking. It's not as intense as that swatter was or a paddle or anything- but for some reason you spank me with a bare hand and I'm gone. I'm not sure if it was the combination of the swatter then the spanking- but I was done- sub space. No more fight- I'm putty in your hands. He untied me from the fridge and ushered me back to the bedroom. I feel like a damn dog! He takes the rope and ties me to my treadmill!
Kinky pulls out my box of toys. Oh Lord! I don't even know what the hell is in there! It's been months and I mean MONTHS since those things have seen daylight. Also- I only personally bought one of those toys myself. The others have never been used and I didn't pick them out! They had not been used in forever because a vibrator can only please someone for so long with a sex drive like mine. After a while they just made things worse, not better! So I just put my toys away and suffered. You know how they say men think of sex every 10 seconds or something like that? Well- yeah I probably do as well! Plus- I turn into a 15 year old boy when I hear certain words. I'm forever having to tell my daughter now "swallow!" because she loves to swish milk around her mouth now! Everytime I say it I laugh inside "hehe you said swallow." Guess that's what happens when you grow up the only girl in the house and all your closest friends are guys. I don't get along with girls- too much drama! So of course a vibrator will only please for so long. I would have an orgasm and instead of feeling better I would be climbing the walls even more!
Kinky starts pulling out toys. "what's this?" Um- you don't want to know- but it's never been used and it surely is not going to be used today! He pulls out a Sharpie marker "Do I even want to know?" LOL- No! Goodness! "You never heard of people writing things on someones body?" Dammit! He gets up and pulls my shirt up and starts to write on me. OMG! Not again! What am I going to have to scrub off this time?! I can't make out the first thing he does- but then he writes across my chest S L U T. Then in bigger letters I think he writes P.E.N.I.S. on my stomach- I start cracking up. You meany! I totally forgot about him writing on me until later that evening when I was trying to fall asleep. I jumped out of bed and pulled up my shirt and looked in the mirror- nothing! You tease! You and your mind fucks! He goes back to my box of toys. He pulls out my favorite vibrator- No, no, no! I just always find it odd to have someone else use a toy on me. He uses the vibrator on me a little- oh God! Ok- huge turn on! He stops and goes back to the box of toys. I also have journals in there- no! Don't read those! OK- one is fine cause it's for my blog and that's actually decent writing- the other! Dear Lord! Close it now! It is my sad woeful divorce journal, right when I got back into writing again. So not only is it depressing as hell- it's BAD, HORRIBLE writing! He keeps flipping through it- oh come on! You really want to see how ridicuoulsly depressed I was back then? It's just sad! Oh- and then next writing exercises that no one should ever see! So now can we put away a part of my soul no one should ever see?!
I kneel down cause I'm embarrassed and tired. I'm waiting for him to say "stand up!" but he doesn't. He comes and stands in front of me "Well since you are already on your knees I don't have to tell you to kneel down." he pulls his pants down. My hands are still tied behind my back- ok, new one for me. Never performed oral without my hands. Should be interesting. After a while he unties my hands- I almost think I was doing better without hands! You have to work harder at things that way. Plus I like his hands in my hair when I'm doing that- yum! His phone rings- he answers! He looks at me like "hello! get back to work!" Alright- I do. Hmmm- he can't do anything while he's on the phone- hehe. I stop and I just run my hands and nails on his stomach, his legs. Give him a tiny nip- just anything but what he wants me to. He hangs up "Did I say to stop?!" No- but I felt like stopping :) "Now stand up and take off your pants and panties and then continue sucking my cock." I figure safer at this point to just follow directions- I think I've pushed far enough now. After a little more he tells me to get on my hands and knees.
Everytime- I don't know what it is but when he spanks me while we're fucking- no pain, not even a sting! It just feels great! Ohh and he scratched my back and my ass with his nails- my hair stood on end! Yeah- it's official. Vanilla sex- never again!!! Finally for once in my life I think I'm enjoying as much if not MORE than my partner! Instead of wondering- "are you done yet? I could be sleeping right now!" I am actually engaged the whole time! What a concept! All these years of boring sex- when all I have to do is have someone beat the shit out of me before they fuck me in order for me to enjoy it! I mean- who thought it could be so easy? ;) Also- that night I got the best nights sleep I've gotten in months! I guess I just have to be tied to a chair, tortured a bit and have my ass beaten in order to sleep through the night. Found an insomnia cure!!! So- so far, this experience and the experience at BaGG- well and after! Top 2! Hopefully this is opening the door to even more exciting times! Oh boy do I have some ideas and things I'd like to try!
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