Real Thoughts

Ugh! I hate insomnia- but I have so many things running through my head right now. Possible issue- OK R, please just don't even mention this post. I don't want to address this issue and I don't want to hear what you think I should feel about this subject and blah blah. I just have to voice it and move on. I can't sleep- why well one: I was just told something that I didn't think would upset me in the least but am sad to find out it kind of does upset me. I mean I'll get over it but right now I am pretty sad.


I know I'm not one that can totally satisfy a person- plus I know that it is hard for me to find one person that fits all my needs. I just didn't expect things to happen so suddenly. I feel like as soon as I really started to connect with Kinky- and I finally really start to open up and get very comfortable- something is thrown into the mix I didn't expect! Lately since BaGG it seems I have not been holding Kinky's interest as much. That to me kind of sucks because it takes me a long time to open up completely to a person and I feel now I can't. I feel like there is something in the way. Yes I understand we are poly- I'm not saying I'm not but it is odd to me that only one other person was mentioned before that he had a connection with and then all of a sudden out of nowhere- here comes news of another girl I have heard nothing about- oh and he seems less interested in me when we do play!


But the real reason I am upset is because of something that happened tonight. I felt as if I am competing for time with this girl and that I don't hold his interest. I have no issues with being poly- Kinky can play with whoever, whenever he wants. We are not in a committed relationship and I am fine if he plays with others- I have no claim on him. But- when you are with me, be with me. I don't want to hear about how much you can't wait to spank someone else's little ass after you just fucked me. I want to hear if I did for you! Not how someone else is going to do it for you later on in the week. I understand you are excited to get to play with someone new and I know how it can take up a lot of your thinking- it's like a new toy. You always are fascinated with the newest toy you have. The others that you have had for a while kind of get pushed to the back for a bit. I understand that- I just didn't expect it so quickly ater we started to really connect. I feel kind of cheated honestly.


I am one that concentrates on one connection at a time. Also- I am one that doesn't connect with a lot of people. I am very choosy and I will only open up to a select few. If I'm just starting to connect with someone- I don't want to bring another into the mix until I have really established where I lie with the other person. Now I feel I can't do that because this other girl is taking up Kinky's time with me. I spent a lot of last night hearing about this girl. I don't mind hearing about her but to me it seemed like he would have rather been with her than me at the moment and I don't like feeling that way. I don't mind talking of others, hell I wouldn't mind being friends with this girl- but sorry- when I am with an individual- it is Mariposa time! Call me greedy- but you concentrate on me! You still feel a connection to me? Show me and stop wondering about your new toy! If that is the case- I don't want to play for a while until you get her out of your system a bit and can go back to giving me your all when you are with me. I came back from vacation wanting to actually open up to Kinky a bit more and had a few questions for him on our connection and then out of nowhere "Hey- yeah, so want to be listed as play partners on fetlife? Oh by the way- there is another too. I ask because she asked if she could list me as a play partner so I figured I'd better add you too." Ok- well, that explains the distance after such an awesome night at BaGG- I thought there was something wrong with me! No- nothing wrong with me- I haven't changed. I was wanting to come back after vacation and sit down and actually discuss what the fuck we are and where we are going but then I am hit with this out of nowhere!


I'm only upset because- fine call me greedy, call me what you will- but I want my time just like everyone else. That is the only reason I am upset. I feel that I now do not have my time and the attention I need to have a fufilling experience. Also- R and something Kinky said last night kind of upset me. They both mentioned how busy I am because I'm a Mom. Also- Kinky told me to go home to my daughter. Ok people- I am a grown adult and I can do whatever the fuck I want and stay out as late as I want. Just because I'm a Mom does not mean that I can't have time for myself. I put my child first yes- but don't mention it and tell me to go home and take care of my daughter and then spend half of the night with me talking about some other girl. That is not fufilling. That does not show me you want to spend time with ME. Thas shows me your mind is somewhere else and I feel you would rather be with that other person at the moment and do not appreciate the time you spend with me. If that is the case- no problem. Just tell me and I'll let you be for a while. If you don't want to take the time out of your day and would rather be with another- go spend the time with them then. It makes me feel like I'm just a stand in for the time being. I don't like that. Concentrate on me and not another. That is my only issue. Also- I have had maybe 2 hours of sleep and I get a little cranky when I don't sleep so it might be worse also just because of that factor hehe. But last night I did feel like I was competing for time and I don't like that feeling.