I have mentioned one of my abusive relationships- my first serious boyfriend- but I didn't mention much about my marriage. I haven't told anyone all that went on in our marriage- for one it was still painful to talk about and I was embarrassed of some of my actions as well. But I think in order to heal completely and lay my past to rest for good- I need to get it out. I admit I am still healing- it does take time but I know I am almost there and I am actually the happiest I've ever been in my life. But the biggest reason I want to share my story is to possibly help others. You hear story after story of relationships of physical abuse, but there's another type of abuse out there that is not mentioned enough and I know numerous are in relationships like I was. I'm talking about mental abuse. It is just as harmful if not more so than physical abuse. With physical abuse your wounds heal- your skin rejuvinates, your bones fuse back together, bruises fade. But with mental abuse- there's no cure for hurt feelings, put downs. There's no way to heal a broken soul. I know physical and mental abuse usually go hand in hand, but I think most don't realize is you can be in a mentally abusive relationship without any physical abuse. I know- I was in 2! Not 1, 2- one ultimately did lead to physical abuse but it started with mental and was mostly mental abuse. I know there are so many women in relationships like that out there and they don't think anything of it because there is no physical abuse. But it takes just as much of a toll if not more on a person to be abused mentally. So I share my story to maybe open some eyes to what a mentally abusive relationship is- I think most overlook it and think it's not that serious since the person is not being physically harmed- but we are talking about ones mental health.
Mental abuse changes a person forever, can drive them to hurt themselves physically even- again, I know, I was there. You have no idea how many times I thought of ending my life, or starved myself or binged and purged. Also because I let these people hurt me mentally- I will never be the same person. I will always have trust issues, I will always second guess others intentions, I will always think I'm less than and not worthy of someones time. All because of words. Words are powerful- they can cut deeper than any knife ever can. So yes- I will never be the same. But it is my responsibility and my choice to make the best out of what life has dealt me. I choose to see it as a learning experience and an experience that in the end made me stronger and more capable of handling life in general. That is making the best out of what life has given you- I have taken all the lemons I've gotten over the years and turned them into the sweetest, most refreshing lemonade you've ever tasted. I hope others can do the same.
As I mentioned my first serious boyfriend was where it all started. I spoke of him before so I wont go into quite as much detail this time. But he was a charmer- he just had this air about him that you just wanted to be around him, you wanted to be friends, wanted him to notice you. Everyone was drawn to him including my friends and family. He presented himself as the most caring, wonderful individual. Once we got closer- that's when he began to change- I called him the Devil in disguise. He began to freak anytime I went out without him. I couldn't hang out with friends or even family without him freaking out if he wasn't with me. That being my first serious relationship- I didn't know that behavior like that wasn't normal. He would tell me how hurt he was that I didn't want to spend all my time with him. So to avoid arguments and to avoid "hurting his feelings" I just stopped hanging out with friends and family- eventually they got tired of me not hanging out with them and turned their backs on me. My life became about him- he was my world. Then once I had distanced myself from every person that cared for me- he flipped. He would get angry with me for calling him and wanting to spend time with him. He said I was demanding and selfish. He would go days without answering my phone calls and scream at me and say no one else would put up with my neediness and would never love someone as ugly as me. No one could love me- I was lucky he stayed with me and dealt with all my faults.
Come to find out the whole time we were dating he was still with his "ex- girlfriend"- I mean the whole time, from the beginning of our relationship. This woman that supposedly was psychotic and made him fear for his life and he couldn't stand- he was still with her. When I confronted him about it he made me believe I was just paranoid and I had major trust issues and I needed professional help because I was not mentally stable. Then later on it turned into- "yeah, I'm still involved with her because you don't satisfy my needs. She is mature. She has her shit together. She is confident. She has the body type I like. She does this for me, she does that...What do you ever do for me?" So it became a battle of who could please him more, who was more attractive, who cared more, who was more understanding. He put us against one another- so instead of being upset with him, for lying and being a total douche- we hated each other. We competed for his affection and his time. I almost married him- I thought no one else would ever want me and put up with me so I just needed to stay with him or else I would end up an old maid- alone.
I went out with a friend one night when my boyfriend was out of town- he didn't know. We happened to meet a guy that night and he found me attractive and let it be known. That's when the floodgates opened, I thought "If this guy really does find me attractive, then all he has told me is wrong!" I found out that I hadn't been staying with my boyfriend because I loved him- I had stayed with him because I thought no one else would want me and I wanted to prove to myself I was more desirable than his other woman. The love had faded years ago- so I finally left him. There I was 19, broken. Still had insecurity piled on insecurity, thinking I was worthless. I spent my days and nights partying- drinking my life away. I thinned down to my normal toothpick self- I had gained weight for my ex because he liked curvy women. I dropped from 165 to 120 in a matter of weeks. That is my normal weight- but most tell me I look like a toothpick and need to eat. But I like it that way. I've always been on the thin side, but I tend to change my looks to please my partner- just like with my ex- husband. He was a fan of curvy women as well- so what did I do? Curves here I come!!!
At that time I thought- fuck relationships! I'm never getting married and I'm never commiting to another again! I'm gonna live Sex and the City style forever! I hit 20- my Mom came to me- "You need to stop partying and settle down. At your age I was already married and had two kids!" First of all- crazy woman!! Second of all- what if I don't want that? "That's a woman's place. You get married, become Suzie Homemaker and pop out kids." No! Kids tie you down and so do relationships! I'll never please another completely and they'll never please me- so why can't I just live my life a free woman? That is what I had planned- I had a huge fantasy of moving to Europe a single woman and taking care of myself and having multiple lovers! After months and months of hearing "where a woman's place is" I finally had enough and figured- fine! I'll find a guy that is just really sweet and I know doesn't have the balls to hurt me. I follow the rule I heard a long time ago and I'll marry someone who loves me more than I love them, that way I always have the control! I figured pretty easy task since I was now void of all emotion. I turned them off- I never wanted to feel hurt like that again. It made me physically ill it hurt so bad. So I vowed I wouldn't feel anything for anyone ever again.
So I ended up meeting my husband- now ex. I hate to say this and I feel horrible for everything but it is the truth. When I met him I thought "perfect! He has no backbone. He is kind and relaxed and he honestly is way more into me than I am into him. He is actually a bump on a log- he has no drive for life in general!" I do admit- I did grow to love him. Not to the level where I would say he was the love of my life, but I did care for him very much. He was caring and loving and he took care of me. We bonded- I loved his family as much as I loved him. He was not the least bit verbally or physically abusive- wouldn't hurt a fly. When we got married- the problems began. He spent less time with me, he stayed up all night and slept all day. I hardly saw him. We would go days without talking because he was either on a damn computer game (yes, so much more important than a person!) or talking on his phone with God knows which girl it was that week. I knew he loved women- I just knew he was sleeping around- that made me sick. So our sex life became non existent. After a while I would wake up to him touching me while I was asleep. I would immediately tell him to get his hands off of me. He said "well you seemed to enjoy it when you were asleep." Yeah- when I wasn't coherent! Now I'm telling you no- so get your hands off of me! "But this body is now mine! We're married! I can do whatever the hell I want!" We screamed and yelled and I told him to never touch me again. I said just because we're married doesn't mean I don't have a choice of what's done to my body. It's still MY body! He got pissed. Some time passed and I forgot about it. Then it happened again! I told him I didn't like that and he should respect my concerns. I felt dirty and taken advantage of and it creeped me out! He still said "I'm your husband and I can do as I please! How dare you feel dirty. I married you- it's my body and I'll touch it any way I damn well please!" I told him to get the hell out of our bed. He wouldn't budge- I pushed him a little to nudge him out of bed. He got mad and pushed me back- hard. He grabbed my wrists and held them tightly. He said "Don't you ever lay a hand on me." I had had enough- I had never been so angry in my life. I didn't even know I could feel anger like that- I pushed him all the way out of the bed onto the floor and I screamed like a banchy "get out! Get the hell out of here!" he finally got up and left. My nights became sleepless- I couldn't sleep soundly- I heard him night after night creep into the bedroom to see if I was asleep. When he saw my eyes open he would leave without saying anything.
I felt totally violated and used in my own house. Our lives became totally separate and within 6 years he lost 6 jobs. He didn't care about anything. He did nothing to help out around the house, pretty much didn't have a job most of the time- he stole my credit cards and maxed them out after he cleared out our bank account. He bought the most ridiculous things just to spend money. He put us into horrible debt. We never talked and when we did talk it was either about chores or money and it always led to a physical altercation or he broke something of mine around the house that he knew meant a lot to me. If he couldn't hurt me physically he wanted to hurt me emotionally. But I wasn't like most- when he came at me- I fought back. I always used to say if anyone ever tried to physcially abuse me I would fight right back- and I did just that. If he pushed me I pushed right back. If he slapped me I slapped him. It turned into a battle and would always end the same. When he decided he'd had enough of me fighting back he would walk away. I don't know if I'm considered abusive as well- I fought back, but only when provoked. I never started the physical contact and would never think of hitting someone unless it was to fight back. But he would always be the one that ended up walking away more hurt! Does that make me just as guilty? See R- I told you I can fight physically LOL. Not that it is a good thing- but I can hold my own- I had to for 5 years! I wasn't going to stand for being treated that way so I did the only thing I could do- I fought back. I would usually end up kicking him in the balls to stop him. I feel bad because violence is not me at all and no one has ever sent me over the edge like that- ever! I am the most gentle, caring person- so for this other side to come out of me that I never knew existed scared me to death.
Finally one day we sat down and talked like civilized adults. We discussed issues and somehow he brought up a baby and the next thing I know we're trying to start a family! Even though at 24 I had no desire to have children- I wasn't ready! I wanted to live my life and experience things and I knew it would end up only changing my life because he wouldn't do anything to help raise this child. I knew I'd be on my own. But deep down inside I was hoping having a child would change him for the better and maybe if we had a family he would actually pay attention to me and want to be around me. So we began trying and shortly after I became pregnant. When I found out I was pregnant I freaked! I knew I wasn't ready! Shortly after I found out I was pregnant I misscarried. I was so upset. So was my ex. I was upset because he was actually happy when he heard I was pregnant and he was his normal caring self again. When I lost the baby he went back to his old ways. Then something grew in me as well. I wanted a baby. I not only wanted that closeness with my husband again- I wanted someone who would actually care and be there for me and I would be there for them no matter what. A little life that depended on me and I knew counted on me. I was lonely in my life- I lived with a ghost. I needed a human connection- so we tried and I got pregnant again.
At first my husband was there and happy and caring. But it only lasted about three months- then I was alone again- in it by myself- living with a ghost that spent more time on the phone with girls than talking to his own wife. I knew I would be going in this alone when I was six months pregnant- painting a nursery by myself and trying to drag a huge box of crib parts in the house all by myself and building a crib alone. At the end of my pregnancy I was sick- they were afraid I might have to be hospitalized, but still no concern from my husband and I went to doctor visit after doctor visit alone. One day at a routine appointment I was admitted to be induced because I was just getting too sick. Of course I was alone- scared. I had to call my husband to tell him to come to the hospital. My Mom got there hours before he even showed up. When he finally got there he was too busy on his little phone to pay attention to his wife in excrutiating "I want to die! Kill me now!" pain. So my life began as a single Mom. I got up with a screaming child every night- most nights I was lucky to get 2 hours of sleep and then have to get up and work a full day and come home and take care of a baby and a household- while my husband sat on his ass with no job, never paid attention to his daughter and spent money like it was nothing. Spent it on ridiculous things while I tried to scrape enough money together to buy diapers. I was lucky if I could get him to watch his child long enough for me to take a shower in the morning!
I began to get pissed- so our arguments started again and they ended the same way- physical altercation and him walking away when he had enough of me fighting back. I could handle him beating me- what I couldn't handle is if my child were involved- one day, for once he was holding his child. I started talking to him about his spending habits and told him to get a damn job to support his family. He got mad and dropped our daughter- luckily on the couch and said "You happy now?!" She was ok- just atartled from being woken up so suddenly- but Mama bear came out! I screamed "You Son of a Bitch!!! Don't you ever touch my child again!" It was Christmas time- my Mom had just bought me a nativity scene because I love them. She searched for years to find me the perfect one- he took his hand and knocked my nativity set to the ground- he sent pieces flying everywhere- hitting walls, shattering- one bounced and hit our daughter. That was it- it's one thing to hurt me but you don't hurt my child. I lifted the ottoman we had and I still to this day cannot lift it on my own because it is so heavy. But I lifted it like it was as light as a feather and threw it at him. It hit his legs and knocked him flat on his back. He got up- I immediately started crying "OMG! What did I just do? This man has pushed me over the edge!" I picked up our screaming daughter and held her close- he came over to say he was sorry to her- I told him he would never ever lay a hand on my child. From that day on I never left him alone with her- ever. I had a feeling before he would go in and do things in her room at night because I would wake up to her screaming. Not a tired cry- a hurt cry. Mom's can tell the difference! I would go in her bedroom and he would be holding her- when I asked what the hell was going on he would say "She woke up crying". I would lay her down in her crib at night and she would nearly have a panic attack. She would cry and physically shake- so I would rock her back to sleep and try to put her back in her crib- most of the time she would wake up- I had to rock her to sleep 3 or 4 times usually. Something happened and I will never know what. But something had to happen for a 6 month old to be scared of a crib.
A few months after the nativity set scene- I finally got up the nerve- he hadn't put a hand on me or my daughter since, but now he spent his days and nights drinking. His Father was an alcoholic and I guess he picked it up from him. I also grew up in an alcoholic household- I know the signs. I told him- "we're getting a divorce. You move out of here and go live with your parents because you don't pay any of the bills anyways- so this is my house. Get out." All he said was "fine. House is yours and you can have our daughter." That was it. No fight, nothing. He addressed his own flesh and blood as if she were an object. Didn't care at all that he wouldn't be in her life. We haven't heard from him since except when I have to call him for court papers. It's just us. We are our own little family. But I wouldn't have it any other way. I know we are better off. But I can't believe I am admitting this- I hate him. I have never hated anyone- ever. But I hate him! I hate him for not supporting his family, not paying attention to his family- I may have kicked him out but he abandoned us a long time before I kicked his ass out. I hate him for putting me in a position that when my daughter is old enough and she goes to school and figures out others have a Daddy. She'll come home and ask me "Why don't I have a Daddy?" I honestly wont know what to say- it breaks my heart, I can't say "your Daddy didn't care for us so he just left." That would not be right- what do I say to a child that wants to see her Dad and her Dad wants nothing to do with her? It just breaks my heart.
I have learned so much. I may never be the same person but I am stronger and wiser. That I am happy about. I may be at just as much fault as my ex about our family falling apart- but at least I can walk away and say I will never make the mistakes I made again. What did I learn? Stand up for yourself- don't let others take advantage. Speak your mind- don't take shit from anyone. You can't rely on others to make you happy- only you can truly make yourself happy. Then you can share your happiness with others. Words hurt- use them with care. Respect everyone no matter what. Never ever let anyone make you feel worthless. We are all humans and we are all here for a reason. If you are upset and someone pushes you over the edge- walk away, take a breath, think things out before you act. Don't let others get to you. I've never had another person effect me the was my ex did. I never thought I would resort to violence- yes I know he always started it- but it was my choice in how I handled it. I will never let anyone get to me like that again. That is mostly the reason why I have kept my distance from everyone. I became a hateful person and was afraid I would hurt others. I thought I had become this horrible person that no one would ever want. But I realized- that's not me- never has been. It was my choice to handle the situation as I did. I chose for once in my life to fight back and I sunk to his level. I learned my lesson and I am me again. I remembered the real me and I am me- finally!
Yes I've been down a rough road these past few years- but I made something of it. I turned it into a learning experience I will not let it get me down. I am finally me again and part of that process was admitting all my crazy flaws. This is me- I am here to stay and I am ready to move ahead in my life. Some may try to look at my experiences from a psychological point of view. Probably say "Ah! That's why she likes things rough and likes humiliation! That's all she's ever known- of course she likes someone putting her down and being rough with her." Maybe, maybe not. But I look at it this way, one- ever since I can remember I've been into crazy far out there kinky stuff- way before I met either of these men. I've always been an oddball- never in the "in" crowd- I've always lived on the edge and pushed the limits of society. I like odd, off the wall, raw things. Always have, always will. Two- yes I like others to be in control, I like humiliation, I like things rough yet tender- if there is such a thing! The difference between my past relationships and BDSM? I choose who I want to treat me that way. I choose my limits, how far I'll go. I choose when and where I want to be treated that way. Plus I know I'm respected! I may be into all these odd crazy things- but I know the one I'm with actually respects me. In my relationships- there was no respect. They didn't put me down because it was a kink- they put me down to crush me emotionally. That is the difference. I make the choice. I put myself in the situations. I willingly give my trust to another and trust they will take care of me physically and mentally. That is the difference- choice.
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