Turning Point

First things first- I'm not going to worry what others think anymore- some interpret things differently from the way I meant them on here- so I've started holding back a little on some of my posts. But I'm not going to anymore. For one- interpret however you want, I know what I mean and that's all that matters. Two- this is my blog- it's my baby. This is my place to share my life, my experiences. The only ones I truly care if they have an issue with what I write is the people that are included in my experiences. Everyone else- if you don't like it, don't read it! So- no more filter- I'm telling it exactly how it is.


The past couple weeks have been a big turning point in my life. I'm finally becoming myself again and I love it. So sorry if I get too passionate when talking about things but I am just in a good place in my life and I want to share. October is a tough month for me- it's pretty much the 2 year mark where my life fell apart and I became a true single individual and a single parent at that! So October was a reminder of how far I've come. Also I've been rediscovering myself this past year and I finally have friends in my life that I truly trust and respect and I know respect me back. So I've been doing a lot of soul searching lately and I know I have things I need to work on to improve myself and my happiness- but I also realized that without either myself or the poeple in my life knowing- they have been a huge part in my healing process. For me to even go out of my way and get to know someone is huge because I was where I didn't trust ANYONE and I mean anyone. I was a hermit- I didn't want to see or talk ot get to know a soul. So for me to be in a position where I have friends, I go out by myself even to just be alone- like Starbucks. I go to events with large crowds and I have a play partner that I've let in my life enough to where I trust him completely and for me to even be able to mutter the words "I love you" and be open to any kind of connection that comes my way with another human being is huge. It honestly scares me to death. So many times in my life I've gotten to this point with friends, family, relationships where I finally open up and am totally vulnerable and then they change or abandon me. So I feel like a sitting duck. But I'm not going to go hide in a corner and ignore anything anymore- I'm pushing forward and whatever happens, happens. I'm not going to live my life in fear anymore and let my insecurities and all the what ifs going through my head hold me back. I am finally happy with my life just the way it is and I don't want to lose that.


So I went to BaGG again this week with Kinky. It was a little different this time. As I said this is truly a major turning point in my life. I am finally comfortable with who I am. I've always been a little different, out there, crazy- according to society. But now- I truly don't give a fuck what anyone else thinks- I'm me- deal! So yeah- BDSM is a huge part of my life and maybe sometimes I take being a sub too seriously- but that's just me- I'm a passionate person. When I do something I give my all. It could be the simplest task in the world- like cleaning, when I clean- I clean! Passion! Yes I'm dramatic if you didn't already know that. Also I'm a huge perfectionist so I want to be the best I can be at everything! So I've played with Kinky enough now to know I trust him and I feel safe and happy and taken care of when we do. So going into BaGG with our D/s dynamic- I wnated to be the best sub I could be that night. I don't think I just think of him as a "play partner" anymore- I'd say I view him more as my Dom. Not just another to play with but one that I truly do want to submit to. As I said before- you have to earn the title Sir or Master with me, I don't just call anyone Sir. So for me to call Kinky Sir in a scene tells me I am comfortable enought to submit to him completely. That night I wanted to completely fufill his needs and just give him my all as a sub. So there I was killing myself- putting layer upon layer of clothing on. Thong, garter belt, fishnets, corset, leather mini skirt and boots. Since I haven't worn a corset in a while I'm not used to them anymore. It's not even laced tightly and I'm dying!!! I look at myself in the mirror "why am I putting myself through all this? Why not just wear some comfy shit?!" It was then that I realized I was being a complete sub. I may have fought and been bratty before- it was to try to hold onto some form of control. I realized then that I had bought everything I was wearing with the intent to please Kinky. Well- plus I like corsets and boots- so kinda gave me an excuse to buy them. But here I was uncomfortable as hell and showing way more skin than I was comfortable with- to please Kinky. If that's not a sub than I don't know what is. It was then that I realized I didn't just see him as one I played with from time to time- but as a Dom. Someone I actually do care for and I want to please as much as I can.


Of course with my lack of confidence I'm freaking out in my outfit waiting for Kinky- pacing. But I know one way to work on my confidence is to just push myself out of my comfort zone- the more I do the more comfortable I'll be with myself. So I suck it up and tell myslef "own it! Be confident! You've seen others there in way less than what you're wearing and they weren't the best looking. Now you're no supermodel but you definately look better than they did! Plus Kinky and Hottie Patottie have told you numerous times they like the way you look as well. So own it baby!" I'm feeling a little more confident- knock, knock- no turning back now. I open the door- in walks Kinky- he just makes me smile :) He's carrying a bag- ok what's that for? "Now I could either wear these pants I have on or what's in the bag. But I'm not going to show you what's in the bag until after you decide." OK- well I know he went shopping recently as well- soooo, I'm hoping for leather pants. Plus I like surprises- so I go with the bag.


Kinky hugs me "Wow- seeing you in your outfit makes me almost want to say forget BaGG and lets just have fun here." hehe, well that's nice to know but please! Hardly think it looks that good! That's another thing I'm working on- taking compliments. I normally just brush them off because I don't believe them and think people are just trying to be nice. But I need to stop that and just accept them and trust that they are really telling the truth and accept what they say. So Kinky- I'm stating it in front of everyone as my witness- if I brush off compliments from now on and say anything negative at all instead of saying thank you- punish me as you see fit. I think that ought to help me a bit. I'm working on confidence here and I know it starts with me accepting me- or else it will never happen.


Kinky goes to change. Please be leather pants, please be leather pants! Winner, winner chicken dinner! Leather pants! Leather pants. Leather..... pants!!!!! I didn't realize I liked leather myself until he puts them on- yum. Yeah- let's just skip BaGG! Another thing I have a problem with- giving compliments makes me uncomfortable, but I will just go for it- how do I put this in a way where it doesn't sound like I view him as a piece of meat? Fuck it! God damn those pants were hot on you! They definately accentuated your- situation. Now I feel like the guy! He's talking to me and I have no fucking clue what he's saying to me because the whole time I'm thinking "don't look down, don't look down. For God's sake woman- have some self control! Dont- look- down!" Then he puts on boots! Kinky are you trying to kill me? Now since I was just concentrating so hard that night to be a perfect sub and be comfortable with the way I was dressed- the night is kind of a jumble in my head. I remember everything- just not the sequence. So no promises on if it's right- but I'll try.


I'm pretty sure it all started in the kitchen. Kinky hugs me and proceeds to flip up my skirt- don't fight it! Your the sub! He feels my ass- yep, thong- knew you'd like it. He pushes me against the wall and pins my hands above my head. He starts kissing my neck and does that fake out I'm gonna bite your neck- oh, no I'm not thing. Drives me crazy! I love anticipation. "Do you think I approve of your outfit?" Um- I hope so? Or else my ass is uncomfortable for nothing! I always doubt myself so I honestly don't know what he thinks. Hmmm- "yes" "Very good. For answering correctly, you get to suck my cock." I kneel down. ALright- I'm just gonna tell it like it is people. Here you go Kinky- another little ego boost. Generally- cocks, kind of an odd looking part of the body. Not really something you would think "now that is your best feature!" Well- I think women's parts are even worse! I will never understand why people find that area sexy whatsoever- but then again I like men! Generally cocks- meh, not so sexy. Some are just down right creepy! Then there are the few where your like- damn! That is- actually very nice looking. There have only been two men I've been with that I would say have nice cocks. No! Don't think like that people- that isn't me saying I've been with tons and tons of men! I've had my fair share but I am in no way a slut. So- two men with nice cocks, Kinky being one of them. Yep- another top 2 list for you Kinky :) So needless to say- suck your cock? My pleasure.


Kinky tells me to stand up and leads me into the other room. He says "pull up your skirt and sit down in the chair." Oh great! I hate being exposed! Get over it- don't fight it- your the sub! I do as I'm told. He asks me "have you ever had sex in a chair?" Well- yes but generally I'm the one on top so this is new. He asked me later how I liked it. It was different- I like trying out new things. I said "it felt good." "Compared to?" I don't know! It just did! Hello- your cock was in me, of course it felt good! hehe Ok- it was good, but doggy definately my favorite. He has me stand up and brings me back into the kitchen and shoves me against the fridge. He fucks me against the fridge and then stops and spanks me for a bit. Mmmm- then he fucks me some more. Sexiness! Just pulls my panties to the side. Love it!


Ok- time to go. I want to say no! We just started! But I know how BaGG was last time- I was so on edge by the end of the night that it was so hot after we got back- like a whole night of foreplay. So I know after BaGG is going to be fun. We leave and as we're driving I'm like a damn horny teen. I feel ridiculous- here he is holding a normal conversation and I'm just swimming in lustful thoughts. Not that I'm not listening to what he's saying- I am and I'm interested in what he has to say. Don't get me wrong- I like that we are friends as well and it's not just physical but as I'm talking and listening to him my mind is just in the gutter. "oh, wow" God I just want to kiss him right now. "really?" Bite his neck. "No way!" stroke his cock. "craziness" run my hands all over his body "Mmmhmmm" just worship his body with my lips and tongue. "yeah" God if he wasn't driving right now I'd straddle him and fuck his brains out. My God! What has come over me?! You know how you have different connections with different people? It could be totally physical- no feelings, just lust. Or it could be the opposite- just feelings and no physical connection. Or you could have a friendly connection. Well with Kinky I think there is a combination of all those- which is nice- but my God is there a physcial connection there! For me at least there is! I feel like the guy in the situation! He's said before that he enjoys hanging out without playing sometimes and one night he said we weren't going to do anything and I was like- No!!! What if I want to? He said he didn't want me to think that's all he wanted from me- honestly I wouldn't care if thats all he wanted- but I'm glad you feel that way and I feel the same but for God's sake! Take me now! Yeah- definately a nonstop sexual undercurrent there for me.


We get to BaGG- I'm so not ready for this tonight. I know the gentleman that was there last time that said I was beautiful etc. is going to be there. He needs a name I guess because I'll be mentioning him a few times. Hmmm- how about Hoity Toity, HT for short. Sure why not. He's an English gentleman so he's a little "proper" if you can call a kinkster that. I got a little pissed at him prior to seeing him at BaGG this time and really didn't care to talk to him. But I'm an adult- I'm not going to avoid someone because they decided to be an ass! Especially since he hangs out in the same circle as Kinky does- I have to get along with him. I'll be civil. So I had sent him a message before BaGG to say I was sorry- even though I had nothing to be sorry about- I figured I'd be the bigger person and just put it out there cause I'm tired of his little girly outbursts. I said I didn't want there to be any tension since we would be seeing each other at events. He agreed- but I honestly didn't know what to expect from him because he's an odd one. I don't give a damn- I am sticking to Kinky like white on rice whenever he is near! Get a hint dude! NOT interested! So yeah- I'm HIS sub- I don't care what Kinky says to that- in that instance when HT is around- I'm acting like I'm Kinky's! Don't look, don't touch- nothing!!!


We walk in- who's the first person I see- of course HT. Great! Just who I want to see. Kinky grabs me and pulls me close and bites my neck while HT is watching- Thank you for that! Maybe he'll get the hint now- back off! Kinky holds my hand and leads me to sit down near HT and another girl that I had not met yet. I hate to say it but immediately when I meet this girl- there's something that I don't like about her. I don't know what it is- but I know we wont get along and become good friends. Plus- I don't really have a lot of girls that are friends. I tend to get along with guys better- always have. So I just sit there and be civil while Kinky talks to the girl and HT. Ugh! yeah- more peole better hurry up and get here. I'm sitting there in my own little world. Kinky's talking to them- oooh, in walks my ridiculous crush. He's young but for some reason I think he's cute as hell. He's got that innocent look- probably cause he's younger, but it's just cute. Kinky says "Maybe I'll have him spank you. What are your thoughts on that?" Well first I'm thinking fuck yeah! But honestly if he's terribly into pain I don't want his hand anywhere near my ass! I've only met him the one time- haven't seen him play at all so I don't know how extreme he is- kinda scares me. But it is a thought. He comes over to talk. Kinky had me take off my coat before- I was covering up my outfit, dammit! When Mr. Crush comes over Kinky says "stand up, show him your outfit." No!!! Alright- if you insist :) He gives me a hug- hehe.


Finally the bottom floor opens- thank God! Now we don't have to sit and talk to 2 people I really do not want to talk to. We go sit in our little corner again. It's nice to just sit and relax with Kinky. Plus I just like to see everyone dance. No one cares there they just dance. Gotta love it. That's why I love SF- so much diversity and openness- it's fucking awesome! I just feel like I can be myself there- don't have to hold back. That's also why I like to go to BDSM events- I can let loose and just be me. But I still feel a little out of place because everyone seems to know everyone else and I feel like the new girl coming in. So I still don't join in conversations much. But I'm sure I'll get more comfortable the more I go. Woo hoo- Go Go dancers! So I may have just been in ballet growing up- but I can dance. I can appreciate go go dancing for the skimpy outfits and awsome shoes and cages and sexy moves. Yeah- you got me, I like go go dancing. Plus I like making out. So go go dancers, carresses and kisses= fun times!


Pretty much most of the night Kinky and I were trying to avoid people we didn't want to see- so a little stressful. I'll jump ahead to the better parts- birthday spanking time! At BaGG when celebrating your birthday you get spankings for every year you are plus one for good luck. From whoever wants to partake apparently. It was a lovely ladies birthday- so a line formed for her birthday spankings. I swear it's like someone brought out a chocolate cake at a weight watchers meeting! A few men all gather around and almost drool at the site of her being spanked. First up- Mr. Crush. I get to see his spanking techniques :) OK- must say not bad- I definately wouldn't mind being spanked by him. Next- Kinky. Again- awesome to actually see him spank someone cause I don't get to see the action- ususally I'm on the receiving end. Of course part of me is like "I want a spanking!" I mean- who wouldn't watching person after person spank this girl! But I do love to watch Kinky spank someone else- it's actually hot! I know I like his spankings so I'm assuming the receiver is enjoying them just as I do. Next up- Hoity Toity. I just want to see this. I want to see how kinky he actually is. Honestly when you think of a British man- you don't think- kinky son of a bitch! You think- proper gentleman so I'm just thinking this dude probably doesn't spank the hardest. He starts- I'm right! That's the first spank I've ever seen that almost looks civilized! If there is such a thing- little flick of the wrist. Yeah- wouldn't do it for me- not one bit. I like hard spankings! None of this light shit- get down to business- leave some marks! Next up- an older gentleman that I have not met. Kinky asks me "You want to spank her?" Uh- seriously?! Well- it would be fun but if I'm going to spank a person for the first time it's not going to be in public. Plus-I'm not a sadist. I don't enjoy inflicting pain- I enjoy receiving it! It might be fun just to try but yeah- not in public. SMACK!!!!! What the hell was that?! Damn! It's the older man spanking the birthday girl. My God! That's just his hand? It sounds like a freakin paddle! My ass stings just hearing that! Smack! Holy Shit! I like a firm hand but my God that sounds scary!


Later on in the evening we meet back up with the girl that we were first talking to when we got there and Mr. Crush. Kinky starts giving her a back massage- then Mr. Crush stands in front of her and starts rubbing her head and kising her neck and then they are full fledge making out! Kinky is still giving her a massage- um, is it wrong for me to find this totally fucking hot! I don't care- it was! Then Kinky leans over and kisses me while he's still giving her a massage- yum! Pretty soon Mr. Crush and the girl are in their own little world making out so Kinky starts to kiss me. Love it! Hotness! Oh boy- here comes HT to break up the sexiness and say goodbye to everyone. Literally I am hanging onto Kinky and we were making out and here HT comes and asks for a hug! Dude! Busy! Whatever. Good night. We decide to leave as well- but we don't interrupt the couple that any minute is going to get it on right where they are hehe. We leave them to their fun.


We head back to my house. Kinky says he's going to spank the hell out of my ass since I didn't get a proper beating at BaGG- sounds fun. We get home and he brings in Mr. Stingy with him :) He pushes me against the wall and pins my arms above my head- lifts up my skirt and spanks me. Mmmm- been too long! Yes I know it hasn't been that long but the more I have now the more I want. He spanks me with his hand then he uses his little evil paint stick- Mr. Stingy as he calls it- he spanks my ass, then my back and my legs. Then he used his hand some more. I lose track of what's going on- I just think- I'm going to take whatever it is that he gives to me- I am the sub and I am here to please. If he wants to beat my ass all night- so be it, do as you please. The more he spanks me the more excited I get. He says "I can see I'm not the only one that's excited." He sticks a finger inside me- he turns me around, pins my hands above my head and has me suck his finger clean. He grabs Mr. Stingy and smacks my breasts- then he smacks my pussy- that's a new one. It's a mix of sting and pleasure. He turns me back around and spanks me some more- I'm so excited I'm breathing heavy. Apparently I'm shaking as well- I don't even notice. Kinky asks why I'm shaking. He pulls my head back by my hair "hmmm?" I tell him "excitement, anticipation." At this point I don't remember the sequence, how it happened- I just felt. I also like that Kinky doesn't have to tell me what he wants every time he wants something. I just know what he likes. So when he starts taking his belt off I immediately get on my knees. I suck his cock and he takes his belt and smacks my shoulder. Nice! Been wanting to try a belt!


He has me stand back up and he fucks me against the wall. Just something so primal about it- I love it. It's like- I'll take you whenever, wherever, however I want. Yes- do it! He leads me back to the bedroom and grabs a chair on the way to bring with him. For the first time I leave my skirt around my waist and I don't readjust it like I normally do- he didn't say to, so I'm leaving it up. He tells me to get on my hands and knees and I do. Again he just pulls my panties aside and fucks me. Now- I have only been able to orgasm while having sex with one other person and it didn't happen very often with him. It took a lot of work. Normally I only orgasm by oral or hand and not sex. Even that generally takes a lot of work. I don't know what it is- if it's just the spanking and everything before that gets me so excited or if it is just Kinky. But Kinky can make me cum by fucking me. That night- most I've had. For some reason it was like a switch- whenever he pulled my hair that night it sent me over the edge.


He asked me if I needed a break- I was pretty- satisfied you might say. He went and sat on the chair he brought in started stroking himself and told me to kiss him. So I kissed him and bit his neck and his legs and ran my nails all over his skin trying to do what I could to make him feel good. Again- still had my skirt around my waist- amazing! I made it a point to not readjust or do anything because I am the sub! Usually I would freak and hide my body the minute he was done with me. But he grabbed my ass while I was kissng him and I loved that. Yes- for me it was a fucking awwesome night. I'm not sure if it was everything combined or that I truly submittied completely- but it was awesome.