Love

I've sat down and tried to write about a few different subjects but for some reason I keep coming back to this subject. So I figure write about it and get it off my mind. I've also rewritten this post countless times. I'm glad I waited till now to post it because before I was still in the dark about my own feelings and where I stood about them. I can say now I completely understand and have come to terms with my feelings and embrace them. I panic a little writing this just because it is so revealing- but that is me, I'm an open book. I usually have no issues with telling stories or voicing my feelings. So this shouldn't be any different. I'm going to do just that because this is my place the bare my soul- it's my sanctuary.


What comes to mind when you hear the word love? Many things I'm sure- some good, some bad. For me- probably a month ago only bad things came to mind when I heard love. Pressure, vulnerability, power, weakness, commitment, trust, relationship- to me those were all bad things- because every relationship I've had ended in disaster. I thought the minute the word love came out- you were headed down a path of destruction. There goes the fun! Every time I've opened myself up to someone- they took advantage and broke me. So for me- no matter what type of love it was- whether it be friendship or a romantic love, I feared it. I thought- great, here goes heartache again. I'm going to become vulnerable and be crushed yet again. But now I know that's not what love is- or at least not what it should be.


I've noticed most view love in a selfish way. I know I did at one point. People seem to think of love and a relationship as a claim on someone "They're mine! Everyone else back up! We are in a relationship and they are committed to ME." It's as if the whole world has to be about that person and their needs. Immediately it becomes your job to make that person happy- they rely on you for happiness and to keep them satisfied in every way possible emotionally and physically. You must spend x amount of time with them or talk x amount of hours a day or week to show your devotion and your love. You're forever having to prove your worthiness and devotion to the other or else they wont be yours anymore. It takes all your engery. OK- so yes that can be love- but a young form of love. As I've grown older I've realized that's not love. Love isn't supposed to bring you down, should never be selfish. Love is a happy feeling- it should uplift you, not be a downer. If you truly love someone- you should want them to be happy no matter what- not tie them down and pressure them. Love isn't gifts or time spent with someone. Love is an emotion you feel for someone- not material things or actions. That is a WAY to show love- but that is not love. You can love someone and not see them or talk to them for weeks- that doesn't mean the love isn't there. It can make it tough on a relationship because you want to be close to the person, but it doesn't make the love less strong. Just like- no matter how many connections you have with others- if you truly care about someone- that's not going to fade because you feel something for someone else. There is no limit on how many you can love at once or how much love you can feel.


So with that said- I'll tell my story of how I got to where I am right now when it comes to love. It's been a long road and I am still working on some things with my past and becoming the best person I can be. But- you can't change over night and I am trying my hardest and want to get over my fears and doubts. I've told the story of my past when it comes to love- now I'll tell you my present story. I've been waiting to post this because I honestly didn't know where I stood with Kinky for a few reasons. I can't speak for Kinky- this is my side of the story. The good, the bad and the ugly.


Honestly I was not looking for any connection at all with anyone. I was just looking to have fun, make friends, possibly find a Dom- not a relationship, not love- just a physical connection. I was scared of any type of connection- even friendship. You still have to open up and be vulnerable with friendship. But I was lonely in life and I knew I at least needed friends- I had no one to talk to, I was completely alone in my life. I still feel alone from time to time- just due to things I have to deal with in my day to day life- I feel like no one can truly understand what I go through- plus, there is nothing anyone can do to change my situation so I just have to learn to accept it for what it is.


I thought- I'll go online and try to meet people. That way I don't have to meet them in person and I can cut ties at any time. So I started chatting with people- I enjoyed it. It wasn't in person but I still felt I was beginning to interact with the world again- baby steps. I met a couple people in person but I was very afraid of meeting them and didn't open up to them whatsoever- I just went through the motions. No feelings, nothing- just numb. "Yes I met so and so in person. Cute, kinky- yeah I'd play with them." But I couldn't bring myself out of my shell enough to even be friends with these people. I just kept talking to people even though I was not emotinally available at all- even for friendship. That's when I happened to start chatting with R. Right away easy to talk to- I don't know just felt comfortable enough to talk about anything. Somehow I guess we got on the subject of me meeting total losers and R said "how about I mentor you?" Um- dude- I really am not even open to friendship and here you are asking me to trust you to give me advice? Yeah- so not happening! Then I thought about it- well, maybe I do need to be more open to people in general- by that point I had numerous people say to me that I was not good at communicating or open enough- especially for something like BDSM. Well yeah- I wasn't open at all! I didn't want to give out any info to anyone- nothing. So I figured- what the hell! Why not have a mentor- actually a good idea since I have no fucking clue what I'm doing when it comes to D/s.


I still kept my distance in the beginning- and totally still did not trust R. I thought- why does he want to help a total stranger? What do you want? You have to have a motive. I told myself to stop being paranoid- if I wanted friends I would have to trust somehow! So I started to slowly trust R. It wasn't until my first trip to Citadel that I'd say I was open enough to actually trust others. That trip opened my eyes and made me realize just how disconnected I was with everything, everyone. So after that I made it a point to actually open up to a connection with individuals. But- I was still leary of people in general and was only looking for trust and respect- not a loving connection. I didn't want to feel any emotion for anyone- I just wanted a physical connection. There was no way I was going to put myself out there to get hurt yet again. So I just looked for a Dom- a physical relationship- no emotions except trust, well and of course attraction.


About that time I started chatting with Kinky. I was very very leary of talking to him because he was local. Plus he was just an overall nice person. I thought- no one can be that nice. Why is he being so nice? People are not just that nice to total strangers! I mean I am- but that's me, I'm odd- I've never met another that is like me. So he must want something- or he is a total fake. So unfortunately I pretty much ignored his messages to chat- even though I did truly want to get to know him- I thought there was no way he could be the person he was coming across as. Finally one day chatting with him I got up the nerve to ask him to meet in person- I figured, why not! Would be nice to have a friend in the area in the lifestyle. At the last minute I panicked- I didn't meet with him- I had so many things going on in my head. I had met fake after fake and here I was inviting another person to my HOUSE! What?! I can't take meeting another person just to find out after the fact that they were just using me, my emotions for a one night stand. I stood him up. I felt so bad because I had never done such a thing. But I figured- he hardly knows me- he'll just forget about me and move on. What I didn't expect was him to confront me about it. I felt so bad. What did I do? I lashed back out at him because I was so upset with myself. I apologized to him and later decided- why not meet him? He could just be a friend and nothing else- not likes its an engagement or anything- just meet him! So we started chatting online again regularly and then we started texting.


I finally got up the nerve to ask Kinky to meet in person again. I figured I'd pick a time in a few weeks. He just happened to text me one night while I was packing- he offered to come help me- what the hell! Sure come over. So help me if you are an axe murderer! Or worse yet- someone who steals my heart and breaks it. So Kinky comes over- now I'm a very shy person, so for me to actually meet a new person- alone, I was nervous as hell. But he walked in and started talking to me like he had known me forever- within minutes I felt comfortable with him. Within maybe two hours of talking I seriously felt like I was hanging out with a good friend that I hadn't seen in a long time. I was just in awe that I felt so comfortable around him- and that he didn't just come over to put the moves on me. He was actually talking to me, getting to know me and not just interested in sticking his tongue down my throat! I kept thinking- he truly is as nice as he came across. The next thing I know- I'm lying down with my head in his lap- like again I know him! Huh?! I have a hard time giving my Mother a hug- yet here I am, cuddling with someone I've known a few hours. Twilight zone! Then- then, we're making out! What?! Mariposa is that you? Who has taken over your body? Hotness! Serious hotness- at least for me. Immediate attraction. He stayed the whole night- we just sat up talking and cuddling the whole night. Wow. That's the night my neck looked like I'd been in a piranha attack :) Still- hottest makeout session to date.


After that night- I was ecstatic- someone I can totally be open with and comfortable around! I hadn't felt like that in years! Right off the bat- friends. I knew no matter what that I wanted him as a friend no doubt. Oh and hell yeah there would be play involved! Sexiness. I figured- if anything we'd be great friends that played every once in a while- someone I can finally trust to experiment with. So I agreed to meet him again. Ah, yes- the night I got my 24+ spankings and put a whole new meaning to the phrase "tying the knot"- kinky style! This is kind of fun revisiting these play sessions. After that night I knew he was someone I could trust. We went out again, hmmm- handcuffs, Mr. Stingy- first sexual encounter. I admit- at that point I was still totally off limits emotionally. That night my eyes started opening to a possibility of actually felling something stronger than friendship for him. At that point I cared for Kinky- but wasn't looking for a relationship- ok so wasn't looking for a monogamous relationship. At that point- didn't know Kinky was poly and didn't know if he was even thinking in that direction. I thought I was just a friend to him and would only be that or just a play partner because he had also said he wasn't looking for a relationship. I wasn't aware he had any feelings for me whatsoever.


Kinky invited me to BaGG- I was so happy and in my element there- I was just so excited to meet all these new people and they were all so nice. Plus- Kinky made me feel so special that night. Honestly- that night, when we were alone on the lower level just talking and bonding- that moment I started thinking "you know. He is someone I could totally see myself with in a relationship. He's more than just a friend to me." That night was the turning point- I knew I was developing feelings for him. That night he said he loved me- when I heard him say it I immediately froze inside- "did I hear that right? No way." He said it a second time and mentioned the word relationship "OMG! He did say it. There's no way you love me- I'm not capable of being loved. You've lost your mind. Look who you're talking to! I'm not lovable!" I couldn't say it back- I know now that at that point I did love him but the thought of that scared me to death. There was no way in hell I was going to admit to myself that I loved him.


Of course- life always getting in the way- I had a trip the next week after BaGG. There I was hundreds of miles away sorting through my feelings- realizing I do love him. But I also doubt myself "maybe he didn't mean to say it and it just slipped out and he just went with it. Or maybe he meant it more in a friendly way than what I'm thinking." So I thought- alright, when I get back we need to sit down and discuss this because I need to make sure of what he means and I need to tell him I love him as well. So on the way home I get up the confidence to tell him I cared for him as well and I was ready to tell him when I saw him. The first time I saw him after I got back wasn't really the right time to tell him. So I waited to tell him- I wanted to tell him, but I wanted to do it in person- not something I just wanted to text! Then he texts me one day- asks me if he can list me as a play partner online. I thought perfect! I started to text him back I was glad he mentioned that because I wanted to know exactly what it was between us- before I could send the text I get another text from him- oh, I'm listing my friend Hottie on there as well. We haven't played yet but we plan on it. Oh- ok. That was unexpected. It confused me to no end. I had never heard him mention this girl before and here he was saying he was going to list her on his profile as the same thing as me- when he just said he loved me. So- does that mean you don't love me? Did he decide when I was gone that he didn't really care for me in that manner? Cause he hasn't mentioned the L word since I got back and now a new girl is at the same level as me! There goes my plans to tell him how I feel for him.


I told Kinky we needed to meet and talk. I wanted to know where the hell I stood with him. Were we friends, play partners, did he care for me in the way I care for him? So I met him for dinner- I was so nervous I had no idea where to start- plus since I had never heard of this girl I had no idea what his connection was with her. I didn't know if they were going to be in a relationship or play partners or what the hell was going on! I understand poly and I have no issue with that- I love it. But I needed some clarification on where we all stood. When we sat down to dinner Kinky looked at me like I was a little crazy "I thought we had gone over all this before." Oh- I guess I should already know all these answers. Plus I didn't want to say the wrong thing and be like- you just said you loved me and now there's not only 3 people in the mix- there is 4! I had no claim on him- as far as I knew- I wasn't in a relationship with him. I had no freaking clue where I stood with him. So I just sat there in silence while he continued to talk about this new girl. I kept waiting for the right time to ask where I stood with him- but I didn't want to seem like a bitch and interrupt him and be like- look! Stop talking about her and talk to me! Plus- I needed to know who this other girl was if I were to be involved in any type of dynamic with them.


As the night progressed I just kept everything in that I wanted to because he just seemed so excited about Hottie and couldn't wait to play with her. I didn't want to steal his thunder- I didn't want to seem selfish and say "I have something to say!" So I left it how it was. I went home confused as hell and didn't know where that left us. We did talk a little more after that night about our connection but I was still unclear on where I stood with him. I have been for a while- one minute he would say he loved me and that he view's me as a primary partner then the next he's introducing me as his friend. Huh? I'm dumb when it comes to these things! Too many mixed signals! I knew he loved me but I didn't know if he meant it in a I love you but we are not calling this a relationship type of connection or I love you as a friend. So everytime I felt comfortable with my feelings for him- he would say something to send me a mixed signal and I would pull back and not give into my emotions. I felt like I would take three steps forward, two back. Five steps forward, three back. I was so uncertain on where I stood with him- I had no fucking clue what was going on. I felt like a mad woman! Finally I decided- I love him and I'm just going to go for it. I don't care if I have stronger feelings for him then he does for me- it is what it is and I'm just going to go for it. That's the night I decided to submit completely. I wasn't going to hold anything back and I was going to give him my all not only as a sub but emotionally.


Recently I had been waiting to talk to him in person because I was still confused on where we stood relationship wise. But it's been busy so I haven't been able to see him in person. I had so many things going on in my head- I still do. I've yet to say them all to him. Finally I texted him and said- what the hell am I to you?! I finally got my answer. The answer that I wanted :) But again it scares me to death. But I'm glad I don't have to feel like a crazy person anymore. I felt like I had to tiptoe around before and watch the way I said things in case he didn't think of me in that manner. I was forever biting my tongue- I was seriously going crazy with all the thoughts in my head that I wanted to tell him. I still want to get them out. I just haven't had a chance to. I'll put a little bit of it up here just because I need to stay sane. The rest is for me to tell Kinky in person- just the two of us.


My connection with Kinky for me at the moment: first and foremost he is my friend. I feel I can talk to him about anything- I love that openness. Plus sometimes I just want to hang out with him and just talk- it doesn't always have to involve play. I actually enjoy just sitting and talking. I feel he is a person that will always be in my life in one way or another. He is just an awesome person and I am happy to know him. If we decide later on that this dynamic doesn't work- I still want him in my life. Like Kinky said- we started this journey together. We are play partners- I am his sub. I trust him completely and I love to explore and try new things and I know I can submit completely to him and I will always be safe and cared for. Yes- he is my primary partner. I love him. I want to see where this path leads us. He holds a special place in my heart and he means so much to me. Just by being himself he has helped me to open up again and trust. I don't think I could ever put into words how much that means to me. I know no matter what- no matter how many are involved in the dynamic- no matter how often I see him or hear from him that he still loves me and I still love him. I may get selfish from time to time and say "I want to see you!" But it's only because I miss him and I enjoy just being around him. I love his company- but I know he has others he cares for as well- they need attention also. He needs to focus on those relationships as well. It doesn't make me jealous at all- I am happy that Kinky has more than one in his life that he can connect with. That just shows what a great person he is- that he has many that care for him. At this point I honestly know I do not want a connection with another. It was hard enough for me to open up to Kinky- also, I'm not going to push to have a connection with another. I am happy with the way things are right now and I will just let things happen naturally. I'm not actively seeking another connection- I am content at the moment. Plus- I want to focus on my connction with Kinky. That's just the way I work.


I'm not one that would probably have deep connections with more than one. I know that works for others- it just isn't me. I'm the type that has a primary partner and then if I want to explore with another I will- but I don't see it developing into a "relationship". I guess you could say I could see having play partners from time to time- but my true connection at the moment is with Kinky. As I said before about love- it's not selfish. That is how I feel with Kinky. I'm not here to be the raging bitch that says "You haven't been spending time with me. You haven't been paying attention to me. If you love me you'll do this." No- I love him and I want him to do whatever it is that makes him happy. That is love- he is free to do as he pleases as long as it makes him happy. I am here when he wants to be with me- if he doesn't want to be around me at the moment- I don't want him to just hang out or talk to me because he thinks he HAS to because we are in a relationship. If you want to focus on something else at the moment- do it. I'll still be here- I still love you. Just because your not in my presence 24/7 doesn't mean that the love fades in your absence. It is still here and will be when you need and want it. I am a support system, I am a friend, I am a lover. I am here to share in Kinky's joy and he is here to share in my joy- not to tie each other down and make each other feel less than. I am here to love- period.