I have been doing some soul searching- AGAIN! This past weekend I had a lot of unanswered questions I needed to sort through. Due to the decisions I have made lately- I have decided to step back and take a breather and figure out why I keep making these ridiculous decisions.
As I mentioned before- I'm not one who hooks up with random people. I know, I know- so why in the past month have I hooked up with two people the first time I meet them in person?! I have no fucking clue! But that is what has been going thorugh my mind all weekend- "why are you doing this to yourself?" I finally figured out the answer!
First I realized there is no way in hell I am ready for a relationship with anyone! Due to what I've been through in the past few years- I emotionally cannot handle it right now. I thought I had given myself enough time to deal with the emotions. But I know at this point I still have some healing to do. With that said I keep wanting a physical connection with somone for two reasons. One: Hello! I'm human I have needs! LOL Two: I crave BDSM experiences- now that I truly have had quite a few experiences with it- I want more! All the time! Yet I don't want to keep making the error of finding a quick "fling". So how do I deal with this issue?
Everytime I tell myself "no- I'm taking a break. I so can't get involved with anyone in any way right now." I'm fine for a few days- then I don't know what the hell happens! Again- maybe it's the red hair- who knows but inside I flip out! I can't concentrate! All I can think is "God I need to be spanked righ now- over and over! I need to be fucked senseless and "put in my place"-Now!" So then I convince myself- "eh, I'll just see what's out there." So back to the website I go!
Now there is only one way I can think of to fix this rollercoaster ride I am on. Yet I don't know if it is even possible to find this dynamic- or if there is anyone even out there looking and willing to have the dynamic I want and need at this point. So what am I looking for at this point? I'm looking for first and foremost a friend. Someone who is aware of my situation and knows and understands my hesitation. Someone I can take the time to build trust in- someone I respect and I know returns my respect. Someone who is patient and willing to teach and explore. Someone who respects limits. Yes- a friend I can indulge in my kinky nature with! Also one that understands I am a single Mom so I can only indulge when life allows me to. Is there such a thing out there? Is there a person willing to take the time to build trust and friendship first? Is there a person willing to have that type of connection or have I completely lost my mind at this point?
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