What Planet Are You From?

Either I am drawn to the crazies or the crazies are drawn to me. I can't figure out which. I have never had a conversation with someone where I was so baffled by statements they made- I'm still baffled after 24 hours. I am amazed at how this persons brain works- I don't understand it. But to each his own, his choice, his loss actually.


Well I exchanged a few messages with an individual this weekend. His pictures were amazing, (hot as hell, totally my type) he was into the arts just like me, seemed like a great individual. I wasn't going to chat with others because as I said I'm taking a little break from searching for the world's perfect Dom. But he seemed to want the same exact things as me and we seemed to have so much in common I figured- I can't pass up talking to this person. So after a few messages back and forth on the site we chatted on IM. Thank God he got right to it or I would have wasted my time. But what I don't get is- why go through the motions of adding me to IM and everything if all your going to do is tell me what does not interest you about me? You couldn't have told me this through a message on the site?


Anyways- this is where it starts to get weird! After introductions, exchanging pictures- seemed great! He said I was a fox- thank you, thank you :) Then I felt like I entered the twilight zone. He said something to the effect of "how do I put this? You now how right after a man has an orgasm... he no longer has any interest in sex?" Um- I don't even know what the hell that is supposed to mean! Not from my experience- men always seem to want more, can never get enough! But whatever- I'll indulge you- I want to see where the hell this is going. I replied "ok?" He replied with "well that is how I feel after I find out someone I am attracted to has given birth." Huh? Ok- so you don't like kids- I get it, I know a lot of men that don't want to get involved with someone who has a child- that's why I'm open from the beginning and don't hide the fact that I have a child. I told him that's fine and I totally understood. Then he turned down looney lane! He went on to say "I said I don't get involved with women that have given birth. So that includes women that have given birth yet put their child up for adoption. I can't be invloved with someone who has given birth. But I would be fine with going along with things as long as you know it could not turn into a long term relationship." Ok- buddy, let me get this straight; you are not "attracted" to someone who has "produced fruit from their womb" but your willing to just fuck a person that has a child- even though you have no attraction to women who have given birth? Sure- sign me up! Um- no! What?! Yeah- perfect pick up line dude. That has me weak in the knees for you to just take me.


Don't get me wrong- I'm fine with no strings attached sex at times- it can actually be fun! I don't have a problem with him not liking children and I have no problem with him being honest about him wanting a quick hook up. What I have a problem with is due to the fact that I have given birth- he immediately did not want to take the time to get to know me. But whatever- his loss, I was fine with that. But then from looney lane he took a sharp turn onto psycho place. I get another IM after we went our separate ways- "one more thing. I'll e-mail it to you." Here is the little e-mail I received.


Just my opinion, and I can't really speak from experience so take all this with a grain of salt, but I can only imagine that most of your relationships with Doms or other men, are going to be largely influenced by the knowledge that you have a child.

Folks less reputable than myself, upon discovering you have a child, may disregard you as an individual, convincing themselves that since you have "baggage" (and I detest the term) that somehow it is morally ok to treat you less than respectfully, or with deceitful intent.

It is not my place to tell you how to live your life but I can only imagine that were I in a similar situation, I would restrict my search only to those individuals that either have children currently, or have had them in the past, because they will be most understanding and sympathetic to your situation.

On the other hand, if you are ok with a physical experience without the context of a long-term possibility (and it seems that under certain circumstances, this is acceptible to you), then I would be sure to temper my expectations accordingly.

Please excuse me if any of this comes across as condescending or thoughtless, it is not my intention and my words are sincere.

This e-mail sounds to me like he is trying to justify to himself his lack of tolerance for women with children. Oh, no excuse me, not if they have children- if they have given birth! It is fine if you have an issue with it buddy- but don't try to push it off on others as their issue. Admit to yourself first that it is you that has the problem. You are actually THE only person I have talked to that had an issue with me having a child. Plus, how dare you tell me how to approach my life and put me in a category just because I have a child. What- you want me to hide myself away as if I have some horrible disease because I should be ashamed by the fact that my womb has carried a child? I should only socialize with my own kind? This is not 1810- it's 2010! Like hell I'm standing for someone putting me down and placing me below others based on one factor in my life! Just because I have helped produce a life- that does not define who I am. Just as BDSM does not define who I am. If you are so close minded that you can't see the other aspects of someone- you so need to take a look at yourself and do some soul searching- honestly. You're just hurting yourself- your limiting your opportunities in life due to your single mindedness.


Maybe I'm the one that is odd in my thinking- but I don't judge one on their walk in life, the way they look, their status. I judge people on their personality and nothing else. You never know what's truly inside someone until you get to know them as a person. That homeless man you saw yesterday walking down the street could have been a CEO of a company a year ago- but due to unfortunate events in his life he is now homeless, has nowhere to turn. I know that probably is not the case- but you never know. Don't judge a book by it's cover, ever! Some of the greatest people I know are judged based on their looks or their lifestyle choice- those that judge are the ones missing out on getting to know and have their lives touched and more fufilled by these beautiful individuals. So it is not the judged that miss opportunities- it is the close minded individuals that cannot see past stereotypes and misconceptions that truly are not living life to the fullest.


Also- I want to say I am very sad that someone thinks so poorly of someone that has given birth. Until you have been in that moment- you can't even fathom the feeling of peace, empowerment! To know you are carrying a life inside of you and their survival depends on you alone. To feel every little kick and movement- knowing it is your own flesh and blood. That moment when you hear their first little cry and you look into their eyes- you can't understand how something so perfect could even exist in the world. That moment- the first time you hold that little life in your arms- you feel all is right in the world. There is no feeling that can come close to that- nothing. As they grow and you see each smile, each new word that is spoken, first steps taken, forming of sentences, accomplishing tasks- all those moments- nothing compares. When you've had a horrible day, temper tantrum after temper tantrum, screaming, hitting, crying- one little embrace and hearing the words "love you Mama" washes all of that away- you feel the deepest most intense love for another you will ever feel.


How can you call something so precious "baggage"? It's not baggage- it is the greatest gift in the world and I'm sorry you view something so wonderful as baggage. Again- if you never get a chance to feel a love and peace like that in your life- you are the one missing out. No- I will not apologize or be brought down by the fact that I have given birth. I am joyful and take pride in that fact! It is one of the best things to ever happen to me. I have never felt so womanly and empowered than when I was pregnant and when I held my baby girl in my arms for the first time, nursed her- that moment- perfection. That is what a woman was made for and I will never apologize for that. I will not be made to feel as if I'm diseased for being a woman and taking pride in it. So take that looney tune :)

WOW!

I must say- this explains soooo much! I just took the myers briggs personality test and I am amazed at how accurate it is in describing my personality! Also- it says my personality type- INFJ, is the most rare personality type- only 1% of people have this personality type. Maybe that's why so many don't get me LOL. So for all that want to get to know me better- read! It's like someone sat down and explained MY individual personality. Also- take the test yourself, see how accurate it is. Also I'd like to know what your results are. I love this kind of stuff.


http://www.personalitypage.com/html/INFJ.html

Bright Orange Wallflower

I must say I feel quite ignored lately people :( No more e-mails or discussions about my blog- do you not find me interesting anymore? Yes! I'm whining- I miss the discussions, the attention. But that is just me- I'm the type that acts out to get attention and then once I'm noticed I can't handle it so I act like I didn't want to be noticed. I admit it- its out in the open, I'm an attention whore! Ok- so maybe not to that extreme but I do like attention from time to time. I want to know people know I exist! Geez- is that so much to ask? (Of course I'm totally being sarcastic- hopefully you all know that by now) Plus- I'm not chatting with like 5 dudes now- so I kind of have time to think again! I admit I do like chatting with Sir and am interested to see where that goes, but I do miss all the attention- I'm not going to lie :) So- I feel the need to misbehave sometimes to get a little attention. What? I know- feisty- that's me!


I have noticed though that I am one that is very shy but from time to time I act out as if to say "Hey- over here! Notice me! Look what I can do!" Then once I am noticed I freak inside and realize- "oh, maybe I didn't want the attention." I think we are all like that though- it is in us as humans to want to be noticed, we crave that attention. We want to know others accept us, know we exist. Some just may act out in an unhealthy way. I just tend to be like a little kid and keep bugging you until you pay attention to me :) I get frustrated sometimes because people don't take the time to get to know me for me. They tend to see this shy girl who does nto put herself out there and they judge me totally based on that. I don't mean to sound full of myself, but I know it is completely true. Ask any of my friends or one that has taken the time to get to know me- they will tell you I am one of the funniest, outgoing, sweet people you will ever meet. Once I am comfortable around you- I open up and I am a party! I'm just pure craziness! I'm up for anything- as I'm sure you could tell by some of my posts he he.


So yeah- I want to be noticed! Who doesn't? I may act like I don't and don't put myself out there all the time because I think I don't deserve anyones attention, but that doesn't mean I don't crave it just like everyone else does- I am human after all.

Vanilla Friends Not So Vanilla After All!

I have been avoiding my best friends phone calls for 4 months now because I could not figure out how to tell her about my new found submissive side. I know! Most are saying- why do you need to tell her anyways? Well, she is my best friend in the whole world! I've known her for 20 years- we had a freaking threesome together for God's sake! She knows me better than anyone in this world- even my Mother. She would know if I'm hiding something from her. "Well just don't talk about your sex life." OK- maybe my friends and I are just odd- but we always share every detail of our sexual encounters with each other! I know guys say- we don't share details, maybe it's just a girl thing or maybe just a crazy thing between me and my friends only. But- we share details! She would know I was hiding SOMETHING! So I have spent the past 4 months trying to figure out a way to tell her I'm a kinky SOB!I finally let the cat out of the bag tonight. Boy it sure did not turn out the way I thought it would.


So I called my friend- told her I was sorry for avoiding her calls and I had something to tell her. She immediately freaks- "what is it? You're not pregnant are you? Who's baby is it? OMG- STD?" NO! geez- calm down! Nothing bad. I swear, and I thought I overreacted! After I stopped her from having a major heart attack- I tried to spit out my message. I didn't even know where to start! So I just asked- do you know anything about dominance and submission when it comes to sex? She had no idea what the hell I was talking about. So I said- BDSM? Oh lord- the floodgates swung open! "What's wrong with you?! Where the hell did this come from? You're the shyest person ever! How could you be into that?!" OK- um, that would be why I am a sub and not a Dom! So I tried my best to explain to her that I like the control aspect of things and that I am not into punishment- when I actually am, but I knew she would not be able to handle that part! Once she calmed down she took it better than I thought she would. I could tell she was very interested in it but was embarrassed to say she was. She asked me what types of things I liked and had tried. I told her basically I only liked the man being in charge of things in the bedromm- which we all know is a big fat lie! Again- I know she would not be able to handle the fact if I mentioned things like floggers and collars and leashes! She could barely handle when I said I liked spankings and my hair pulled. So I ended the conversation feeling much better that I had finally shared my big secret with her.


The night got very interesting! I get a text shortly after begging me to send a list of "kinky dirty things" I enjoy because she is interested and that her boyriend is as well. WHAT?! OK- sure, sounds like fun. So I ask R for a good list to send them. Of course being the good mentor he is he finds one right away since I have miss Domme ordering me to send it NOW! Wow lady- a little excited to see the kinky kinky list huh? Or totally just trying to snoop to see what it is I am into exactly. I get another text asking what I am into- I say there are too many to list and that I don't know exactly what I'm into because I have not tried most. (I just don't want to say) She says to list my top three and that her top three are spanking, nipple torture and she likes it rough. Hey, hey- she might be kinkier than I thought! So I tell her my top three- spanking, hair pulling and I LOVE it rough.


I get a call- my friend's in a panic "we can't open the list you sent!" Geez! Just use your imagination then- it's probably on the list, pretty much anything you could ever think of is on the list- plus some. Then of course I get the story of what's going on while I'm talking to her on the phone- she has a big mouth :) Apparently some nipple pinching and God only knows what else is going on- some orders being barked and tickling and lots of mumbled words. OK- time to get off the phone and have fun just the two of you, I'm not into phone sex, especially when it does not involve me in any way! OK- so maybe if I'm involved but we're not getting into that :) She proceeds to say "you may have just made my sex life a little more exciting!" Come to find out- my vanilla friends are not so vanilla!

Too Passionate?

I have realized something about myself recently. I knew I was a passionate person but didn't realize that I bring that aspect into every part of my life. I'm not just talking about passion in the sense of relationships, sex. When most hear the word passion they immediately think of sex, pleasure. I realized I approach everything full force from the beginning. I don't embark on any project in my life without being passionate about it. I put everything I have into every situation in my life. I am enveloped by it- I think that is why I tend to think things to death. When I am in a moment I am THE moment. I let it take over- I breathe in the moment. Whether it be work or time with my daughter, time with a friend, working out- I am in the moment completely. Nothing shakes my determination. I also think that is why I tend to take things so personally and I let things get to me. I am forever giving my all in every aspect so I get so involved in the moment that every emotion I feel is intense. Whether it be sorrow, anger, happiness, excitement, love- everything is intense to me.


So I wonder if a person can be too passionate. Am I too passionate of life in general? I know I tend to put myself out there more due to the fact that I am so passionate but I can't hold it back. If I hold it in I feel like I'm going to explode. I am forever having others tell me to relax in situations. I can't! Can't you see all my feelings just seeping out of me? Some may find it annoying, some may love it. I think it is a great trait to have. But it does have its benefits and its downfalls. Since most don't seem to be as passionate about life as me- they view me as too eager to please or weak. I don't think a willingness to please is a weakness at all. It is part of me and I can't help that- why should I feel bad about that? Yes it can get tiring feeling everything so intensly every moment of everyday but I can't turn it off. I've found that people have taken advantage of my eagerness to please and my passion for life. That is where it can be a bad trait- if someone wants to use it to manipulate you. But I think it is more of a good trait than a bad trait. Especially in this lifestyle. Knowing I am a passionate person and knowing I will do anything to please lets my partner know I will always give 100%. I will be in every moment of every encounter with my Dom. I will do everything in my power to make sure I please every moment of everyday.


Just the past few days something has switched in my thinking process. I don't know what triggered it, what brought it on- or if it just happened. I went from thinking as an independant individual wanting to be bratty and push limits and fight someone with everything I have to wanting to turn down that brattiness and only please. I want to know what exactly pleases a person, so I know everything I do pleases them. What the hell? Since when do I want to willingly submit with no fight at all? What changed in me? I think I just officially became a true sub this week. I think I was still trying to fight against my needs because I still thought it was crazy for me to want to give that much control to another. But now- that's all I want. I totally yearn for the feeling of being owned- cherished. I want to live to please another- I don't want to disobey and fight someone. I want them to tell me exactly what I can do to please them and give my all to please.


I am not going to reveal anymore about this subject at this point. I am a little confused by this transition at this time and I need to digest. I have been caught a little off guard by this change in thinking. I don't know what to do with it at this point. Yet- I am so at peace at this moment in my life. I feel like I've come home after being away for a long time. I feel like I've finally found that girl I was 10 years ago- but now I am a grown woman willing to admit to my true self.

The Best Submissive I Can Be

So I have spoken to a lot of Dom's at this point. Quite a few have recommended I buy a "handbook" for submissives since I am new to D/s so I have a guideline for what is expected of me as a submissive. Um- you're all crazy! I hate to say it but that is my opinion. Ever heard of being naturally submissive? Isn't that what most subs are? Deep down you have to have that type of personality in order to truly be submissive. What woman is willingly going to submit when they want to take control of situations? Doesn't make sense! So why would I need a book to explain to me how to let another take control when I do that naturally?


Well- I figured, since I am new to this maybe I'll buy a book and see if there is anything in there that would help since this is a whole new experience for me. Maybe I'm forgetting or accidentally doing things I shouldn't, not knowing I am offending people. So I bought a little "handbook". I was right- it is a total crock of shit! It makes it seem so clinical. It suggests if you are new to the scene to observe other sub's and figure out which behaviors you think are acceptable and which are not. Then avoid the unacceptable behaviors and make it a goal to focus on the acceptable behaviors. Sounds to me like they are stating I need to change my personality to fit what I think a Dom wants in general. Sorry- not going to happen. I am who I am, I feel I need to find the right Dom that fits my personality- not change who I am to please ANY Dom. It is a different dynamic with each partner. I've been in enough situations now to know that even though I have my own personality- each Dom brings out different aspects of my personality. Some may like to be called Sir- and I love that. Some don't like to be called Sir, which is fine. Some may like a bratty personality and me fighting them every step of the way- which I admit I do in the beginning. Some may want me to just shut up and follow rules no questions asked all the time. I admit once I am in the "zone" I fall into the role of the submissive they are looking for. Once I know how the Dom wants me to respond to them- I follow suit. But I still remain me, just that different parts of my personality shine through more than others.


Reading this book made me stop and think about what type of submissive I am. The author mentioned how she can't stand bratty behavior. I admit I am one that acts bratty a lot of the time. Not to say it is all the time, every time. It just made me stop and think about my behaviors and really think more about what type of Dom would fit my needs. I know some are saying "a Dom to fit YOUR needs? I'm the Dom- you only worry about MY needs!" Well if that is your view- we will not get along. Plus- if I view things differently from a Dom- I definitely will never fulfill their needs. You have to start with the same view of D/s. You have to be into the same kinks- or open to trying new things with that individual or else it will just turn into a power struggle! I know from experience LOL. I talked to one Dom that just wanted me to shut up and do whatever he said no questions asked- 24/7. I pushed the whole way. I said no, I disobeyed on purpose sometimes because that is me. He had a real problem with that and thought I was truly not submissive. He said "maybe this life style is not for you." I disagree- he may not have liked bratty behavior, but I have found some that like that playfulness just as much as I do. It's not that I'm not submissive- anyone who truly knows me knows I am the epitome of a sub when it comes down to it. I can't be anything else. It just shows that everyone has different needs when it comes to D/s.


So I took the time to sit down and think about my behaviors as a sub. I think it is important because that way you know exactly what type of Dom would suit you. So I analyzed my behaviors with Dom's. I'll give you a little taste of my "style", if you want to call it that, of submission. When I start chatting with a Dom- I'm not one that writes messages starting out with "Dear Sir"- no that's not me. I talk to you as a person first. I want to get to know you and your personality. What are your likes, dislikes- to see if it is even worth our time to get to know one another. Once I've established we have the same interests and views I basically let the Dom take the lead. Ask me questions, get to know me, tell me your "style" as a Dom. I tend to take a backseat and I don't ask questions or demand anything- I figure if you want to tell me anything you will just come out and tell me. Once I've established contact I basically want to see how dominant you are. Do you take over completely or are you still trying to be "respectful" and treat me as an equal? I admit- I like someone who takes control, but not to the point that it feels like I HAVE to submit to you the minute I start chatting with you. I just want to have that sense of confidence there all the time. I want to know you truly are a Dom even in day to day life. I like strong personalities- bold individuals.


So once I get a sense of a Dom- I start to test he he. Yes I can be bratty, usually only in the beginning or only while chatting online and on the phone. Honestly when I meet someone in person it is a completely different story. I'm in full submissive mode in person. I like to see how much I can push and get away with. I may purposefully not say Sir or crack smart ass remarks. I get a little rush when someone says "excuse me?" when I forget to say Sir or they remind me of the rules I am to follow. I like to find out the person's reaction when I don't follow directions to get a sense of how it would be in person. Also I think it makes it a little more interesting if I am not compliant from the beginning. To me it is more of a reward if I am resistant in the beginning and you get me to submit to you by being the Dom that you are, putting me in my place. To me it's a win win situation. You get the satisfaction of a strong female submitting to your strong personality and I have the satisfaction of finding someone strong enough to put me in my place.


So most can't handle my brattiness on the phone I will admit- most view it as me just being disobedient. I may lay it on a little thick from time to time just to see if you truly can handle my stubborn personality. But in person it is completely different. It seems once I am in the presence of a Dom all that stubbornness melts away, unless I just happen to be in a really feisty mood that day- which does happen from time to time. Generally when I am in the presence of a dominant personality- its like a switch has been flipped. I immediately become shy, quiet, obedient. I wait for the Dom to start conversation, ask me questions, let him take the lead in conversation- let him steer me in the direction he wants it to go. The more I talk to someone the more I open up. So I may seem very shy at first and not open. But as time goes by I open up more and more. I wait in anticipation for the moment that you switch into Dom mode, when we are away from others and you speak to me in the tone that lets me know- "OK now you are to be submissive and know your place. We are no longer equal- you are to submit to my every desire." As soon as I know we are in that role- I can't help it- it just happens. I immediately feel like I can't make eye contact, I stare at the floor. My voice gets softer, I usually answer in very short precise answers. Usually I'll just sit in silence until you ask me yes or no questions and will only answer "yes Sir" or "no Sir". Of course I smile the whole time- I can't help it- this smile just comes out of nowhere. I like how controlled I feel in that moment. I like the feeling of another in control of everything.


As the conversation goes on I become less resistant. I try to please as much as I can. Whether it be the tone of voice you want me to speak in, what you want me to say, the way you want me to sit, stand. I do everything willingly- no fight at all. I'm in complete "sub mode" now. For some reason when it becomes physical I revert back a little. I start to resist again if you tell me to undress or bend over etc. I may not outright say "no" but I may wait for you to repeat yourself twice, maybe three times sometimes. I want a response out of you- put me in my place again. Remind me who's in charge. Pull my hair, grab my arm, whatever. Just establish your control with a touch, maybe even a whispered threat. Then as time goes on I am more and more in the moment to the point where you tell me to do/say something and there is no fight at all. I relish in that moment, I love that feeling. The feeling of total control and my willingness to do whatever I can to please. I seem to be unable to form words- I just feel/do. The only time I will talk is if you tell me to say something. I seem to forget how to form thoughts into words. You may ask me a question and all I can say is "I don't know". I'm completely in sub mode at that point. I'm totally enveloped by the sensations I am feeling and want you to take what you want, I give everything willingly.


Some talk of aftercare, time for a sub to switch back to "normal". Honestly most are completely shocked that the moment we are said and done- I switch back to "normal" instantly. I don't usually need time to recover- once the moment is over I am not enveloped by it anymore- I think clearly instantly. A few have said to me "wow, I was trying to get you into sub space but I couldn't". Just because I snap out if it the instant it is done does not mean I wasn't in "sub space". I definitely was- I just recover fast. I can only think of one moment when I was in shock after and did not recover right away. Maybe because the experiences I've had have not been the most intense- who knows. I guess I will have to wait and find out. The only moment when I felt like a deer in headlights was the Mistress Trinity encounter. I think it was mostly because it all happened so quickly- no warm up. Just one minute we're talking the next she's using a flogger on me when I expected a spanking and not a flogger. I think it was more the shock than it just being an intense moment. After I could barely walk and I seriously felt like my eyes were the size of saucers. All that was going through my head was "THAT just happened! OMG! Seriously- that just happened." I was just in total shock that I was spanked and flogged by a woman and liked it! Not just the woman part- but the fact that I actually enjoyed being spanked and flogged. That was definitely an eye opening moment. I think that is the moment that totally solidified my need for BDSM.


So there is a little bit about my view as a sub. I say screw these "handbooks". Yes they can be helpful, don't get me wrong. But honestly when I am in the moment- I can't be anything but myself. Plus- I like being me. I don't see that as a problem and I think everyone should be comfortable with being themselves no matter how bratty or obedient you are. I just happen to be a little stubborn in the beginning- and I love it!

Inner Battle

I've felt a little out of sorts lately. I haven't been able to put a finger on why I have been. I'm usually very good at understanding what is going on in my head- this time- I keep asking myself "why have I checked out emotionally? Why am I so worried of what others think and worry that I will say or do the wrong thing?" I think I finally figured it out. Due to the immature asses I chatted with before- it has made me now forever doubt the intentions of others. Now that I'm actually communicating with a great person I doubt if they truly are what they say the are. I can't see how anyone would be interested in owning me because I've let these boys make me feel less than. I am again letting others control my happiness and I'm tired of it. So I'm just going to put it all out there and if I fail, oh well. At least I'm being honest and true to myself.


So lately instead of focusing on a connection with someone I've been reading into things way too much and not just having fun with life in general. I just need to be me! I'm the type that goes with the flow- what will be will be- I try not to let anything get to me. But many have said to me- "oh the guys on your blog don't have a good track record." Well honestly because I only post about the jackasses- I don't care if they get mad about what I say. I've never posted about the great people I meet. I feel bad writing about someone I am either still talking to or if it didn't work out just due to personality/kink differences. But I am going to post about the one I am chatting with at the moment for a few different reasons. One- I need to get out all this drama going through my head (sorry to say R but a lot of the questioning has come from things you have said LOL. You seem to like to freak me out and play mindgames) Second- if this person is going to own me in the future, I think he needs to get used to me posting about him because I fully intend to keep posting about my experiences. Of course I would totally respect his wishes if he did not want me to post about him, but I really want to post about all the great experiences I will have. Third- he is a great person and I want to share my thoughts- I'm tired of holding all this in and want to say how much fun I think we could have and how we are possibly an awesome match. Especially seeing as I have never been owned before- he seems like the best person for me to get my feet wet with, he is understanding and firm when he needs to be but also is interested in getting to know me and not just telling me what HE likes for others to do to please him. I think we view D/s in the same way and also he likes me being fiesty from time to time which is a huge thing because I have come across so many that see that as a bad personality trait. I can't change that about myself and honestly it is tough to hold in that fiesty part of myself. I like to fight at first, then I'll give in. To me it would be boring if I just followed directions everytime no questions asked, no resistence. Not to say it is an everyday occurance but I like to do that from time to time. A lot view that as just being disobedient- I don't see it that way. I see it as more of a challenge and also more fun. Don't you agree that it is more fun to have someone fight you and then eventually submit instead of one that just follows your directions first time they are asked, everytime? Isn't it more rewarding to have someone submit to you after a bit of a fight? I think it is.


So the question is do I give him a candy name or not? Nothing seems to quite live up to his personality. Also if he ends up being my Dom am I really going to call him a candy name? No- probably not. So I think to show respect and show I am truly serious about all this- for the time being I will address him as Sir. I will discuss it with him later and ask his opinion. But in this post I will call him Sir.


So I have been chatting with Sir for quite some time now. The first time I started chatting with him I was very impressed- we seemed to view things the same and it was easy to converse. But honestly seeing the pics he had up on his profile I immediately thought "oh no- he's too cute to be interested in someone like me. He is probably looking for the perfect pinup model type blonde hair. He is not looking for a redhead with curves." So I chatted with him not expecting for him to be impressed with me at all. What can I say- ok yes I admit I am a shallow person when it comes to looks so I expect everyone else to base their impressions on looks first. Especially in a lifestyle like BDSM- most do base their opinion of you on looks first, personality very last. Hell I admit I am into looks first! But I will take the time to get to know an individual- some wont. So yeah- now that we've established that I think Sir is cute lets move on LOL. At the time I was honestly chatting with like five different Dom's and liked something about each of them. They all had bold personalities and at that time I thought being bold about wanting to know about kinks and looks and everything was the way to go. I was not looking for slow moving people and them wanting to get to know me for me. I was looking for a play partner- not to be owned. So Sir was kind of pushed to the back of the pack just because he was not as bold as the others. Come to find out- that is not what I am looking for. I'm not just looking for a play partner and for someone to only worry about how they can do it for me or if I am willing to submit to them for one play session. Plus I pushed him aside because I thought he had no interest in me except just as friends and someone to chat with when he was bored.


One day we were chatting and in the midst of a conversation Sir told me he was interested in me- that he liked me. That opened my eyes. "oh- so he is actually just taking the time to get to know me! What a concept!" Then I realized- he would make an awesome match as a Dom. I got that feeling from the beginning of chatting with him but did not pursue anything because I thought he had no interest in me as a possible sub. So once he showed interest I thought I need to slow things down here and take a good look at the possible connection here. I had only been interested in finding a quick fix for my need for D/s before but it was not fufilling. I realized I wanted to be owned- have that consistency with someone in order to trust one enough to experience all the things I want to try. I'm not going to just let some stranger I've only met once tie me up and have their way with me. No- I have to trust the person completely that they are not going to do anything stupid and that they know what they are doing! I can't have that connection with someone unless I take the time to get to know them and see if we truly are a good match. Then after I realized I wanted to find a Dom to own me I happened upon another Dom who had a lot of the same personality traits and views of D/s as Sir. Then the inner battle began.


Thoughts filled my mind of "are they truly genuine? What if I focus more on one and they turn out to be just another jackass trying to win over my trust just like the others? Who's to say they are both the way they present themselves? Can they both truly be such nice caring people? What if I concentrae more on one and they turn out to be a total fake- then I've shut the door on the opportunity to get to know the other- and they might be genuine. How is it that there can be two such wonderful people in this world?" But I didn't want to lead one on just to keep them in my back pocket in case the other the other turned out to be a total fake. I didn't get the feeling either were fake- but you can never tell online. You can present yourself any way you choose- but I didn't want to say this to either and have them think I am doubting them because I truly wanted to see if we had a connection and if it was worth the time getting to know both of them. They have both been consistent in the way they have presented themselves, but you can only get to know a person so much from chatting. Eventually you have to meet, see if the person is truly genuine. So I hold back waiting to meet them in person to see if they are truly who they say they are. I feel bad for having reservations but I can't help it- especially since I've met quite a few that have been total fakes.


So at this point- I am very interested in Sir owning me but I think I truly have to see if he is the person he has presented himself to be. If so I think we would totally get along great and it would be an awesome match. But I can only put myself out there so much and can only feel a sense of his personality so much online. It's not up to me where it goes at this point. I am willing to put myself out there now and say I really want to see where this goes because I really like his personality and like the way he approaches things- but I am not in the driver's seat. I'm open and waiting to get to know him better- it's now up to him if he is really looking to get to know me and thinks I would be a great match. Come on- I'm willing and open, take it where you want to- or tell me if you really are not interested and just want to chat only.

Why Me?

Yes people- I'm doubting myself again! I don't doubt my place in this lifestyle- no not at all. I know I need D/s in my life now- it's part of me. I doubt if I am worth being owned. Why would someone choose to own me? I'm nothing special. Am I even worthy of being considered for ownership? Why would someone choose me out of all the other subs out there? I'm new to all this, I'm too fiesty most of the time, I'm too much work. So- how could I possibly think someone would want to own me?


All I really have to offer is my need to please and willingness to explore all BDSM has to offer. I admit- I am so ready to jump into a D/s relationship- I want to begin my journey. I'm chomping at the bit. But I hesitate because I can't stop thinking- "would I really be a great sub for someone? What makes me think I have what it takes to please someone?" But I don't think it is my choice to make. It's not up to me if I am owned. I mean yes- I have a say in if I'm willing to submit to them, but I have no choice over whether the person wants to own me or thinks I'm worthy of being owned.


Hell- I can't even ask the questions I want to ask because I have myself so worked up that I'll bug the person if I take up any of their time. All I think about lately is D/s! It seems it has become my life at times- is that normal in the beginning? I feel like a crazy person. It is overwhelming at points- I just have to stop and take a moment to breathe- tell myself it is nothing, it is just another side of myself that I have recently discovered. I'm not saying I'm just going to jump into it with anyone! I have to trust the person completely if I'm truly going to be owned.


So- what do I have to offer? Not much- but I do have a need to please. I would make sure I do everything in my power and always give 100% in trying to please my Dom. I'm open to trying new things and want to try new things. I want to be the best sub I can be. I want someone to take the time to tell me exactly what pleases them and I will always give my best effort to do just that- please. That is all I can offer. Is that enough to be worthy of owning? I'm not sure.

Submission

Well at this time I am exploring the possibility of becoming one's sub. I feel very honored and privileged to even be under consideration to be owned. I would be overjoyed to be owned- the thought of one thinking I please enough to be owned- that would make me very happy. So with the possibility of being owned in my near future- well who knows- no reason to rush into anything. With the possibility of being owned in my future- I have been doing a lot of thinking and surprisingly I am more at peace. I think just based on my personality- I like the dynamic of someone having control over certain aspects in my life. Not to say I want someone to control EVERY aspect of my life. Come on! First- not possible, second- so not my thing! I'm a sub- I'm not looking for someone to make every decision for me- just certain aspects. So knowing I might have that control aspect in my life soon and feeling comfortable and pleased with it solidifies in my mind- my need for submission.

I spent months going back and forth thinking- "are you really THAT submissive? Are you really willing to offer that much trust to someone? Do you really want to have to answer to authority- follow rules, complete tasks?" But when I'm told to do something or a rule is enforced I fall into it so easily- it's like second nature to me. It fits like a glove- I'm actually happy following rules no matter how ridiculous and completing tasks knowing when I do it pleases the other person.


Sometimes just for a rule to be enforced I'll push the limit and be fiesty just so authority is used. But I will admit maybe I do it too often at this point and I need to figure out when it is ok to be playful and when I truly should follow directions- no questions asked. Yes- I do need boundaries set and I'm comfortable and again feel at peace when I have set boundaries and rules. Just as there are women who love to be in control and do what they please there are women who live to please others. I am one who lives to please- that is me and I'm not going to change. Before I thought it a sign of weakness- willing to do whatever I can to please another- but now I don't view it that way at all. I am who I am- everyone is different. How can I view submission as a weakness when I feel so comfortable doing it? I feel out of place and totally out of control when I am left to make all decisions for myself. If anything I think it takes more strength to give up some form of control to another- to trust another that much, willing to do whatever it takes to please another.


Is it odd to say I feel more empowered when I follow another's rules willingly? It's an unusual concept to grasp- but that explains exactly how I feel. I'm comfortable, I'm myself, I hold my head higher, I'm more sure of myself- who I am when I give over some of the power of decision making to another. So I look forward to possibly having the opportunity to be chosen to be owned. This is me and everyday- with every rule that is set, every task completed, everytime I say "Sir"- the peace I feel in that moment tells me I'm where I need to be in my life finally and that I have found and accepted ME.

Positive Thinking

Well- I am feeling much better today. Like I said I let things get to me from time to time but for the most part I am a very happy care free person. So- I'm back! I'll admit I have been chatting with someone that I think would be a really great match as my Dom. Of course I have a lot to still learn about this person- but are we ever finished getting to know ourselves or others? I don't think so- I think it is great to always explore things about yourself and others. So- I don't want to say too much because he's not really big about being posted about :) I'll just talk about my impressions so far.


Well- I have found it hard to find one that matches my personality and can put up with my wackiness! I can be a bit odd at times as I'm sure you all know by now and I tend to be a little fiesty sometimes, which a lot of Dom's do not like. It seems he likes my bratiness from time to time which is good because I can't change that about myself- that is just me. You either like it or you don't. I'm not changing my personality to suit someone- if they can't handle it then we are not the right match. I find it easy to talk to him about anything and I think that is very important when it comes to BDSM. He seems to be (ok- sorry if you don't like this word but it's totally true :) a sweetheart, but a Dom at the right times. I want to find someone I can talk to as a friend before we even think about getting into D/s. So far I have to say I think I have found that.


The only thing I wonder about still at this point is what exactly the dynamic would be between us if he decides he wants to own me. I know we would only see each other maybe a few times a month- which works for both of us actaully- so that is great. But what would it be like in between those times? Would there be no interaction at all? I'm not sure lol. I honestly must say I am the type that is really into the mental aspect of things and really enjoy the control. I like rules and I like tasks. Honestly when looking for a Dom I need that dynamic- I need someone who likes to set rules and enforce them. So that is something that needs to be discussed. I know your all thinking- "why not just ask him then?" Well I would but lately he seems very busy and I'm a very shy person so I don't want to seem overbearing and ask questions when he has so many other things going on. That's just me- I don't want to take up peoples time if I don't have to. So I'm waiting patiently to see how it goes at this point. But yes- I am very impressed with him- it takes a lot for me to put that out there because even though I may seem like the type that speaks my mind all the time- when it comes to putting myself out there as a possible sub for someone I get shy and kind of flip out inside a little. I'm just being honest lol- maybe because I have never been owned so I have no idea what to really expect. Plus for me to even talk to a total stranger on the street is hard enough! So of course I'm going to have a hard time talking to someone I might possibly have to trust with my well being.


I will say this much- I think I get along with this individual better than I have with any other. I think we view D/s a lot in the same way which is great. So at this point so far so good. So hopefully we can keep chatting and getting to know each other better because I think we could really have a lot of fun together. More to come hopefully...

Life

"Life is 10% what happens to you and 90% what you do with what happens to you."

Lou Holtz(American Football Coach)


I couldn't have said it better myself Lou. I've been trying to come up with a post the past few days but nothing seems to be right. Sorry guys, I can't post about BDSM right now or my past or some play session I've had lately. Well for one- I haven't had any play sessions! Two- my mind has been occupied with other things recently. Life in general has been bringing me down! It's tough to stay positive 100% of the time- I try my best. Of course every now and then things get in the way and drag me back to my not so happy life a few years ago. Unfortunately there are still times I am reminded about my last relationship with my ex husband- lets just say we are not on speaking terms and I'm sure we never will be. My life has been a total blur these past two years. I had to deal with something the other day that reminded me of him. I can't help it- everytime he enters my thoughts I get so angry I want to punch him! Well- that might get me in trouble and he's in a totally different state so that's not an option.


I'm not going to share all the horrible details of our life together- I think that is too personal. Even though I want to scream at the top of my lungs and tell the whole world what a horrible, mean person he is. No- I wont stoop to his level and I wont share that much detail. I just get so tired of holding everything in- I have not told anyone all the details of what happened between us. Not even my best friend of 20 years! But this is not the place to share those things. I know you all read to hear of my experiences in BDSM- but I just can't write about that right now unfortunately and it's killing me! I don't want things to bother me- I just want to live my life. But I can't help but be reminded every once in a while. Like Lou Holtz said- life is 10% what happens to you- the other 90% is up to me how I handle it and I don't like the way I'm handling it right now. So I'm going to take a few days to regroup and get my head on straight again. More to come....

Piss Off! Oh- Excuse Me, Piss Off Please?

well I's says I aint no english major! Sorry- I had a conversation with someone last night and they made me feel like I write like that. Thanks for your opinion- but I really don't give a damn! Like I said before I'm not an english major- I'm not perfect. I know my blog is filled with mistakes but this is me and I'm not changing the way I write or the way I feel about my writing. This is MY blog- I can write however I want. If you don't like it or it bugs the crap out of you- go elsewhere! Don't read it then! I'm human and I know I may misspell some things or overlook something-deal! This is my place to vent, to tell about my experiences, to write whatever I want to- piss off! Of course I mean that in the nicest way possible :) I'm serious- I may come off as an opinionated bitch a lot- but seriously, most of the things I say on here I would never ever say to someone in person! This is my place to let it all out anonymously- plus this is a country where we have freedom of speech. Let me speak my mind alright? If I sounds like a idiot- I's sounds like a idiot and I's don't care one bit! Again- I mean everything in the nicest way possible- but I am sticking my tongue out at you like a little kid right now!


Also- ever heard of literary techniques? Well if not do some research! My blog applies to one of those techniques dude! It's called stream of consciousness- look it up! Basically you write things down as quickly as they come to mind- no thinking- just write. Also it is an interior monologue showing my feelings and actions. Once I found this literary technique I loved it- it is me! I tell it like it is and I don't think before I speak a lot of the time- plus I don't hide my feelings from anyone. So it makes sense for me to write this way! Plus- this is not a damn book or a test- it's a freakin blog! But don't worry- I still love you. I accept your soon to come apology hehe. Was that Domme enough? I try sometimes and it doesn't seem to work.

I Want Candy

Yes- I want candy! When I say candy- I mean a man! Geez- a girl with a crazy sex drive never gets a break. People say to me- "well, your a woman. How hard can it be to get sex? Just go down to your local bar and I'm sure there would be guys begging you to have sex." Ok- um, no! For one- I don't want some drunk dude pawing at me that is so wasted he can't see straight. Second- yeah, I don't go searching for random strangers to have sex with. Third- I don't want a plain Hershey bar! I want kinky candy! Give me some variety! If I'm going to eat chocolate I want it to at least have nuts or crispies or even a truffle, some kind of substance! Plus- I'm not a Hershey girl. Godiva- yes! Hershey- no way! If I'm going to go out looking for sex- it's going to be with someone I know can deliver and deliver well- you know what I'm saying? wink, wink, nudge, nudge.


I don't want vanilla sex- no I want wild crazy sex people! Come on! I had boring vanilla sex for the past 7 years- thinking of all the laundry I could be getting done instead of laying on my back. Or all the dishes that needed to be done, or that I could be catching up on my sleep! Does that sound fun? No! I tried to spice it up one time, with my ex husband- not even anything big! I said I liked my hair pulled- what response did I get? A look of horror- and a little tug that even a baby wouldn't cry about. Come on- it's not like I asked you to fuck me in the ass! Hair pulling? Really? That freaks you out? If you only knew the things that went through my head on a daily basis. He was into dominant women- so not me! But I felt like doing it once just to show him how I wanted to be handled. Yeah- I would have turned into Mistress Trinity! No- no more vanilla sex! I could not handle that right now- it would be like a tease. I've spent years holding back all this- I want to let it out! Yeah- crazy redhead, I can't help it.


I had a little task to complete last night for someone- wow! Well last night it helped things- I was in heaven. But today- my God! Talk about frustration! I swear I'm like a druggy. Once I start with anything sexual- instead of making it better- it makes the frustration worse! I want it more instead of less! It's like I can never get enough once I start! Yeah- it will take a person with one crazy sex drive to fufill my needs right now. What am I talking about? ALL the time! I have an out of control sex drive- I admit it. My girlfriends look at me like I'm insane and tell me I think too much like a guy. What?! A woman can't be horny all the time? What's wrong with that? Nothing I say. It can either be a curse or the greatest thing about me. Right now- since I can't do anything about it, it's a curse! But if I find someone with a sex drive as strong as mine- oh yeah! The best thing ever! OK- enough ranting about my out of control need for sex!

I Want A Dom!!!

Don't you wish sometimes you could throw a temper tantrum like a child? I sure do! I see my daughter act like it's the end of the world if I tell her no she can't have a cookie. She immediately throws herself to the floor and starts flailing around like a fish out of water. I want to get away with that! Might get out some of my frustration- but instead of screaming "I want a cookie!" I'd scream "I want a Dom- now!!" LOL- not to say I'm going to just settle and take the first person that offers! I've found out I am quite picky when it comes to what I'm looking for. But geez- I feel like a kid in school without a cool lunch box! It seems every person I've chatted with in the past has found a sub and I'm sitting here all by my lonesome- just twiddling my thumbs, trying to wait patiently. But inside I want to scream and flail about on the floor. I know I really need to work on my patience- I have none! I know- very subtle Mariposa. I can't help it- I always speak my mind no matter how revealing it might be.

It makes me stop and think- is this not for me? Is there something completely wrong with me? Would I not make a good sub- is that why I've had no luck so far? Then I think- no I wasn't chatting with real Dom's before- I was chatting with immature little boys looking for an easy target and they found it! But believe me- I have learned! Now I'm not the most confident person- so me saying this about myself takes a lot! I don't want people to think I'm full of myself or anything- but if you know me well enough- you know I am the farthest thing from confident. But I have to say- I would make one kick ass sub for someone! I know for a fact just due to my personality. I live to please! Even in all my past relationships I gave everything I had to my partner- they came first. Their happiness, comfort, needs- everything!


So yeah- I know I would make a wonderful sub. So why is it I don't have people asking me left and right?! Well, I know I'm not the most normal person- yeah I'm goofy, I'm out there- but take a look in the mirror people! We're all freaks here! BDSM- yeah we're all a little out there. Admit it! :) Or is it my looks? Got me! I know I'm no supermodel but I look at some of these people that have Dom's and think (sorry- some may think this is very shallow) "They have a Dom?! Yet I can't find one?" Who knows- I will say this much though- yes I will make first contact with someone. But after that, you want me- don't be subtle! Aren't you a Dom for Christ's sake? You want it- come take it- stake a claim! Bring it! Show me whose in charge! I understand it takes time to get to know an individual and trust them- but if your interested- at least tell me you are! I'm not a mind reader- or else I just don't understand anything at all- like I said I'm a ditz! Spell it out! Tell me all the dirty kinky things you want to do to me. I hold back until I know what is on someones mind for a couple reasons 1. I'm supposed to be "submissive" and not be in control! 2. I don't honestly know what's going through a persons head- you have to lay it all out for me to understand.


I'm so frustrated at this point with all this pent up sexual frustration and need for punishment. I feel sorry for the person who has to deal with me! :) You'll have a wild woman on your hands! Hope you can handle it. So yeah- I want to throw a tantrum and scream "I want a Dom! I want a punishment now! I need a punishment! Tie me up! Spank me! Pull my hair! Show me who's in charge- put me in my place! Fuck me!" Yes- I'm a bit flustered at this point if you couldn't tell hehe. Oh- did I tell you- I want a Dom!

Best/Worst Places To Have Sex

Well, if you don't know by now- 1. I have a crazy ass sex drive 2. I've done it in numerous public places. I figured I'd compile a list of the best and worst places I personally have had sex. I would like to see others comments on the best and worst places they have had sex- to me it is hilarious and kinky. Hmm- where to start? Lets start with the 5 worst places I have had sex.

Top 5 Worst Places I've Had Sex

1. Picnic table at a state park- yeah the park ranger stopped us right in the middle and said to take it elsewhere. hehe

2. On a pull out couch at my best friends house- might as well have taken the mattress off and just done it right on the metal bars! I could barely move the next day! Covered in bruises, felt like I'd been beaten with a baseball bat the night before! Oh- and not to mention right in the middle of things my friend walks in and starts commenting on the dudes skills! WTF! Go fuck your own boyfriend- or is he really that bad that you have to sit and watch me getting it on?!

3. Cemetery- do I really have to explain this one? Let's just say I freak when in cemeteries to begin with! Your walking on remains for God sakes! Dead people! To be rolling around on top of some old dudes grave- kinda creepy! I'm afraid after I die the old dude is going to come up to me and yell at me for disgracing his final resting place! Or he might be like "hey baby- want to give it a go?" I know I'm odd.

4. At church- well I have to say I liked it! But just for the sheer fact that I am now damned for all of eternity- it may not be the best place to have a little fun! But that's what made it so awesome!

5. Boyfriend's parents waterbed- um, can we say mood killer? All I could think about the whole time was what his parents had done in that bed! Ewww!


Top 5 Best Places I've Had Sex

1. On the school district council's conference desk- my boyfriend at the time worked for the school district. Where I live the school board bought a house out in the middle of nowhere and that is where they hold their meetings. They have this huge ass desk- so why let it go to waste? If the school board only knew what happened on that desk. hehe

2. In a tent on a church camping trip- I guess you could say I like to do things I consider naughty. It makes it that much more thrilling. So the fact that I had sex at a church function- yeah, kinky. Also the fact that everyone was a few feet away sitting around the camp fire singing worship songs while I was "worshiping" my boyfriend's cock- craziness!

3. While driving- ok except for the danger factor, we almost drove off the winding mountain road a dozen times- it was hot! Yeah- I liked the fact that I could make him feel that good that he couldn't concentrate on driving!

4. In the bed of a truck at the drive in- it was great, you could look up at the stars in the sky- that's about as romantic as I get LOL. But what I really liked about it was there were people all around watching a movie not knowing what was going on in the car next to them.

5. In a storage room in the back of a business- my boyfriend at the time, his parents owned a party supply store. We would go to the store pretty much every damn night and have fun. They had a huge ass storage room in the back of the store with lots of room to get it on! Plus he was really into lingerie- so he would buy me things and have me model them and then rip them off!


I honestly could go on and on but I wont. Lets just say- I don't even remember a lot of the places I had sex! With one person in particular it just happened wherever we went- maybe it was hormones, who knows. No- not hormones cause I'd still do it anywhere. OK- maybe not anywhere! But I am crazy when it comes to sex- I want it when I want it and I'll do whatever it takes to get it hehe.

Sweaty Sex

So- I was working out today and this random little ditty crossed my mind. Yes- the things my mind comes up with when I have nothing better to occupy it than staring at a blank wall while running on the treadmill. I despise, loathe, detest sweating! I can't stand it- the minute I break a sweat working out I freak! Immediately I think "oh my god! Shower- now!". I've always been this way- even while dancing my ass off for 6 hours a day I would cringe if I got the least bit sweaty. But why is it that when it comes to sweaty sex- I'm all over it! Yeah! Fun times- so animalistic. WTF! Am I the only one that thinks this? Am I the only crazy person that finds it completely sexy to have a sweaty man's body sliding up against me- all slippery? Yet if a man were to workout at the gym, come home and try to just hug me- I would break his arm before I would let him touch me! But the minute someone starts breaking a sweat due to the vigorous thrusting of crazy ass sex- I don't care if I am swimming in a pool of sweat! Bring it on! Just don't stop what you're doing!


So that makes me wonder- do men think the same thing when a woman sweats during sex? Somehow I don't think so LOL. I know- girls are not supposed to sweat, burp, fart- none of that guy stuff! Most like to believe we are perfect and are not even capable of these things. Most that is. There are the few out there that are into that- I have yet to meet any myself! Yeah- my crazy mind. I totally forgot the point of all this- I guess there really wasn't a point! Just crazy thoughts! Many more to come- believe me!

Hard Limits

Another punishment :( But it's actually a good one I think hehe. I have to discuss my hard limits and why I have them. Basically all my hard limits are things that just don't do it for me and never will. Plus they really freak me out LOL. I know- to each his own. That's fine if you are into these things- they're just not for me.


So hard limits- needle play, blood, scat, no watersports of any kind. Diapers, enemas, pony/puppy play, animals and children of course! Again- fine with me if that does it for you- but no I will never be taking part in any of that. Things that don't do it for me but am open to if my partner enjoys it- electrical play, age play- I'm talking like college student/professor or high school student/teacher. Antything younger- like baby or little girl- out of the question. Also I'm not really into verbal humiliation. If the reason for the verbal humiliation is to "put me in my place"- I think physical humiliation is just as effective if not more so. Not to say you can't call me slut, bitch, dirty girl etc. That's fine- I just don't like put downs like "your pathetic" "your worthless" etc. No- I'm not worthless or pathetic and I wont put up with that. If your showing me who is in charge- do it another way. It's just as effective to have me walk around naked or sit at your feet or have me bend over exposing everything. To me that works better than saying someone is worthless or saying things like "fuck you"- that just gets to me emotionally and doesn't make me want to submit- it makes me want to fight back and tell you off. Also- I'm a sub, not a slave. I don't want to feel worthless or less than. I'm a person- don't degrade me emotionally. Physically, fine- you want to act like I'm nothing but a sex object- great, actually that could be fun in some ways. But don't mess with my emotions and put me down. Make sense?


I might have forgotten some hard limits- there's so many different things out there that it is hard to remember them all. So that is why communication is key- I think I have a right to say at any time "nope- not happening", after all it is MY body. So at this point everything else not listed is open for negotiation and I'm willing to try. How else am I supposed to know if I will enjoy it or not? I've done a few things now that I thought were limits for me in the heat of the moment and actually enjoyed them! So- hard limits- definately no question. Everything else- open to trying once to see if I like it and then decide if it is for me or not.


Well- went over limits, how about things I am really interested in trying or know I like? Bondage, rough play, spanking, hair pulling, dirty talk, rules and tasks, biting, floggers, paddles, some role play- not all the time. I prefer me to be me and you to be you. Blindfolds, sensory play, wax, face slapping (not hard enough to leave a mark or even for me to feel the next day! Just a little playful slap) Not sure if I would call it breath play- just a little pressure, not completely cutting off oxygen.


OK- let me clarify again what I am looking for LOL. Maybe I'm not explaining myself properly. When I say I'm not looking for a LTR- I don't mean I'm just looking to hook up with random people all the time! There has to be trust there- a connection, something! I just mean I don't have to find a "boyfriend"- doesn't have to have that label. It can be a Dom/sub Master/slave dynamic. If it develops into more- great!, if not- fine! but there does have to be trust and respect there. If your going to be tying me up and spanking me, using a flogger- damn straight I better know and trust you! To me D/s is about more than just a physical connection, sex. It goes deeper than that- I think if anything you need to be great friends first. A partner in crime- someone you can confide in, know they are not only looking out for themselves but you as well.


Also- I'm taking this seriously. I am seriously looking for a Dom. So if I am discussing things with you at this point and am opening up to you- I find there is a connection there. I will be honest- at this point I am chatting with two individuals- both great people. I'm not chatting with others and not looking to chat with others right now because as I said I am taking this seriously. I'm not just looking to play games and flirt via IM. I have to say- both great people and there might be a connection there with both. Same kinks, personalities mesh well. So here I go- being open. I don't like to chat with more than one person, I can't read minds, I can only take it so far myself- so if you like me come get me! LOL I'm not good with subtle and I know some don't like you chatting with others at the same time- again I don't get subtle- I'm a ditz. So at this point if you feel a connection and want to see if we get along- the ball is in your court :)

Bucket List

So I've been thinking again- hell, when do I ever NOT think?! It would be nice not to sometimes :) But that's just how my brain works- on overdrive all the time. Anyways- all this "self discovery" I've been going through recently has made me realize I've just been sitting back and letting life pass me by. There are so many things I want to do in life- but never have! I decided I don't want to live life full of regrets or shoulda, coulda, woulda attitude. At the end of my life I want to look back and think "Wow! I really lived life to the fullest!" I'm only 27 yet for some reason I feel like I'm 60 most of the time. I've let life get to me- I've taken things too seriously- I need to live!


So I started thinking- well there are so many things I want to try- how do I remember all of them? Then- click! Idea! Bucket list! I'm convinced everyone needs one now. But since I'm such a kinky person- half of the things on my list are kinky things I want to try hehe. Also- I'm still adding so who knows how long this list will get. As I think of new things I will come back and add to my list. Most of you will probably look at my list and think "oh geez! I've done that 50 times!" Well- so what if you have- this is my list! There are three reasons some things on my list are just everyday occurences for some. 1)- I'm only 27! 2) I lived a very sheltered life growing up 3) Like I said- I've let life pass me by for the past 27 years- I was too scared to even consider doing 90% of the things I want to- but not anymore! Also- if you don't understand something on my list- I'm not even going to start explaining- I'll just say- yes I'm a very odd person- but if you have not figured that out by now- then you have problems.

Bucket List

1. Spend a day in bed
2. Eat ice cream for dinner
3. Parasail
4. Go wine tasting
5. Go on a cruise
6. Run a marathon
7. Take a pole dancing class
8. Sing bad, drunk karaoke
9. Have a make out session like a teenager again
10. Visit New York and go on a shopping spree and see all the broadyway shows
11. Try burlesque dancing
12. Have a threesome- a real threesome this time!
13. Write an erotic story
14. Go to Eurpoe
15. Get another tattoo- maybe 2
16. Water ski
17. Take a bath in Jell-o or chocolate syrup- actually both :)
18. Start a blog- check!
19. Find someone I'm head over heels in love with and feels the same about me- someday, not talking like tomorrow LOL
20. Spend a whole day at the spa and have the full treatment
21. Wrestle- and I mean truly wrestle!
22. Write a book
23. Go to an audition
24. Streak
25. Ride on a motorcycle
26. Go to Jamaica
27. Go to a nude beach
28. Pay it forward
29. Go to a strip club
30. Laugh so hard I pee my pants- ok so maybe not LOL- laugh so hard my sides ache and I can't stop laughing?
31. Do a strip tease
32. Scuba dive
33. Stay up all night doing god knows what
34. See exactly how many times I can have sex in a 24 hour period
35. Swim with dolphins
36. Beer chugging contest
37. Chubby bunny
38. Find a gay husband
39. Outsmart R- LOL
40. Become comfortable with being nude
41. Color my hair bright pink
42. Visit every baseball stadium in the U.S.
43. Take part in an erotic photoshoot
44. Learn to play golf- while wearing the most ridiculous outfit ever!
45. Start making out in a mattress store and see how far the clerk lets it go
46. Try every position in kama sutra
47. See exactly how long I can go without an orgasm
48. Run around outside singing "The hills are alive with the sound of music.."
49. Rape role play scene
50. Try for one day to be a Domme- LOL even though it would do nothing for me and I would fail miserably
51. Roll around in a big pile of money
52. Embarass my daughter with naked baby pictures- show them to her first serious boyfriend
53. Sleep on 1500 count egyptian cotton sheets



Like I said I will keep adding to my list- especially kinky things hehe. There is so much I want to try but at this point of course- I can't think of any of them!


Psst- R! You will not get the satisfaction of "tap.. tap.. tap"- ok so you probably will but I like to talk crap!

Lets Get Ready To Rumble!!!

So- me and my big mouth have gotten myself into a little bit of a predicament-again. I'm not going to say what it is at this point- but I will say R- bring it! Mr. Big Talker! Think your all that- think I can't handle it. We'll see- I'm the most stubborn person you will ever meet. I'm a redhead, part Irish and a Taurus- deadly combination! Lethal! (OK- not really but I like to talk big) You think I'm worried? No- I'll just sick Mistress Trinity on you after- no wait you would enjoy that too much, nevermind!


Oh- it is going to be a good post once this little fiasco actually takes place. That is if I can suck up my defeat and actually have the strength to type! Yeah right- I can so take you! I grew up with two older brothers and all the boys used to beat up on me on the playground- you don't scare me hehe. (OK- so that is a complete lie! Well not the brothers and boys- but the scaring me part- well maybe not scare, kind of.. alright dammit- yes, scare!) I can take care of myself- you think I'm some wimpy little girl who is worried about breaking a nail? Ha- not at all! (That is soooo me!) All I have to say is watch your back R! Watch it! I'm quick and you never know when I'll pounce. (alright- I'm so not stealth.) Just you wait! It is so on!

(somebody help me! just kidding)

Kid In A Candy Store Indeed!

Oh- SF Citadel- where do I even begin? First going into the evening I had no idea what to expect. When R said "Let's go to Citadel!" My first thought was "you have completely lost your mind." But then I figured if nothing else it would be a learning experience. I could see the dynamic of a Dom/sub, Master/slave relationship in full effect. I had no intention of playing whatsoever. But me being me with my horrible memory- of course I forgot some rules the night before and the day we went to Citadel. So my punishment this time? A public spanking- but I had a choice- I got to decide who would spank me. If we didn't find someone I was willing to have spank me then it wouldn't happen. I thought "great- what have I gotten myself into!" So needless to say R was on a mission all night to find someone to spank me. LOL


So I was very nervous going in- I'm not one who is into voyeurism so for me to stand there and just watch others made me very uncomfortable at first. But as the night went on I was surprisingly more comfortable with it. At first things were pretty tame- not much going on. Some girls were working on suspension bondage, a guy massaging/spanking a woman, some electrical play. Now I thought I was tame- but as the night went on- I have to say I was a little disappointed with how tame the Doms were. I thought I'd be seeing some major flogging, spanking- something! Needless to say I found out I'm more extreme than I thought :)


There were a few things that stood out though for different reasons. The most interesting part for me (well besides Mistress Trinity- but I'm getting ahead of myself) was to see the different dynamics with each couple- they varied so much! At the end of the night I was so comfortable with everything and so overwhelmed by the acceptance I wanted to join hands and form a ring with everyone there and sing "Joy to the world, all the boys and girls..." and give a big group hug and celebrate our sexuality! LOL I was in heaven- I was just so amazed that everyone felt so comfortable to be who they were, to have the confidence to walk around naked no matter what they looked like or who was around. I would have stripped naked myself at that point- and that's saying a lot becuase I'm not even comfortable being naked in private! I envy those who have the confidence to be so comfortable with themselves. I'm surprised R didn't have to drag me out of there kicking and screaming, saying I wanted to go back.


I'll explain a few situations that stood out to me. First there was a couple that I still cannot wrap my mind around. They came in and he was leading her on a leash- but she had no expression whatsoever! Nothing- just blank. Didn't say a word- just looked straight ahead. So once they atarted playing- just from the way the Dom presented himself(the way he was dressed, the way he treated his sub) I thought "yeah- now it's going to get crazy!" So he stripped her down to bra and underwear, garter belt and bound her to a St. Andrew's cross. He started timidly hitting her with a flogger- nothing major- just kind of in a teasing manner almost. Again- she had no emotion- no expression of pain or even enjoyment! She looked like she was listening to a boring ass lecture and about to fall asleep! She just looked like she was not metanlly there at all. They continued the whole night that way. Not once did I see any emotion on her face that night. To me it was odd. I don't know if she wasn't showing emotion because that is what her Master wanted or if it was because she didn't enjoy it at all- I still can't decide.


Next there was a Domme and her- I'll call him Bunny Boy. I have to say if I was a Domme- I would totally have the same style as this woman. The dynamic between them was hilarious. You could tell they were both having fun the whole time. She was big on verbal humiliation. She would put him down and laugh at him- I was cracking up myself! You could tell the guy was having fun as well- he was smiling the whole time. At one point she put a fluffy bunny tail on him and told him to hop like a bunny- oh hilarious! I was in hysterics. They kept up that dynamic the whole night and I have to say it was refreshing and fun to watch her get him to do all these ridicuouls things.


The next that stood out- only stood out because this woman was so annoying! She was very vocal- it didn't take much to get her screaming. Everytime I heard a yelp or a scream I expected to turn around and see some crazy ass shit going on- but everytime I turned around it was the same thing. This man was barely tapping her nipples with what looked like a wooden spoon. Either she could not handle any pain at all or she was putting on a major show for everyone.


Another was a Dom playing upstairs. He was using a whip and flogger on a woman. He was more worried about looking cool as hell swinging around the flogger than he was of pleasing his partner. Seriously it was like he was just putting on a show for everyone watching. Like- "look what I can do! I have nunchucks- no wait- they're floggers! Look I can spin them! I can do this- I can do that!" Come on dude! Get to it, let the woman have it already! While we were sitting watching Mr. Karate himself- a couple walked in- a man in leather pants and a woman in a short leather skirt and top- if you can even call it that. Badically it was three tiny strips of leather hehe- didn't cover anything, just framed it. I thought "wow, that guy sure likes to dress his slave in some hot outfits." They made their way downstairs. We sat and watched Mr. Karate for a little longer then we started hearing some crazy things going on downstaris- so we headed downstairs.


The first thing I see when we go downstairs is the couple in leather outfits- but the man was on all fours with a collar on and a leash attached to it and the woman was yelling at him and flogging the hell out of him! "Holy shit- she's a Domme! A hot Domme at that!" First let me say- I am not into women at all ok? But this chick was fine! I just assumed when we saw them that the man was the Dom- it was totally unexpected- totally! She was freakin insane! I thought- "now the night is getting interesting! Finally someone who knows what they're doing!" Their dynamic way crazy! He fought her every inch of the way. She would tell him to kiss the ground she walked on and he would not do it- he would yell stuff back at her and she would go crazy with the flogger again and yell back at him. It was great entertainment!


I think R and I had the same idea at that moment- "oh yeah, she's so going to be the one to spank me tonight!" I have to say- I never understood why you would want a woman to dominate you- but now I can see why- Domme's like Mistress Trinity! So R waited and waited and waited, hehe, for the opportunity to ask Mistress Trinity if she would be willing to punish me. First she looked at us like we were crazy- I thought "good, she's not going to want to do it! I got off easy!" But then she said "sure!" I think R has never been so excited in his life haha.In her lovely accent- not sure what it was exactly, german maybe- She asked what I needed to be punished for- I told her I had broken some rules. She asked which rules- I had forgotten to ask permission to go to bed the night before and for lunch that day. Now the whole time R and I are are talking to her she is scratching me with her sharp nails on my arm! She told me to put down my things and take my shirt off.


At this point R had told her I needed a spanking- nothing else. So the next thing I know I am bound by my wrists to a St. Andrew's cross, she tells me I need to learn to follow rules. I hear her behind me getting things ready- then out of nowhere- smack!- she hit me on my back! "Oh my god- she's using a flogger on me! Wait- you didn't say anything about a flogger! What have I gotten myself into?! Actually that is pretty awesome- hehe. Never thought I would enjoy a flogging." She continued for a bit- nothing too extreme. Then she pauses- I hear R come up to me, the look on his face was priceless- it was like a deer in headlights- all he said was "tap your hand three times if you can't handle it anymore." I think both of us were so surprised by the flogger. Then she starts to spank me with a heart shaped paddle with little studs on it. "whoa- totally gonna feel this tomorrow!" Then she stops and she starts pressing the paddle on my back so the studs are digging into my skin. Then she begins to scratch my very tender back with her nails and, oh my god I can't believe I'm going to admit I actually enjoyed this, she presses her hips against mine. Yeah- again girls do not do it for me but wow LOL.


Mistress Trinity takes a minute to ask me what I can to do please R, I tell her to follow his rules and she asks me which rules those would be. I tell her and she says "very good, now I'm going to punish you a little bit more to make sure you remember to follow his rules." So I wait- I look down at the floor and all I see is a shadow of someone swinging a flogger! Then it begins again! This flogger is a bit bigger then the last one and she is getting a little crazy! The pain starts to get a little unbearable, I can tell any minute she's just going to let loose on my ass! She starts hitting a bit harder so I decide if I want to still be able to walk out of this place- I need to stop now! So I tap my hand three times and R stops her and tells me to thank Mistress Trinity. Still in a daze and hardly able to walk because my legs are like Jell-o we leave. Talk about an experience I will never forget! But the minute we get in the car- I want more! I think- well I should have held out for more- who knows when the next time is that I'll get to do that!


So I had a great night, but it made me realize how much I want to find a Dom. I want to be able to find a dynamic that works for me and another. I want to please someone by submitting to them and want them to be pleased to have me submit to them. I want to learn and keep growing. At this point I wonder if I will ever find a Dom that is right for me.

WOW!

Whoa- what just happened tonight?! Craziness- that's what! SF Citadel- Oh...My...God! All I'm going to say right now is I had to deal with another punishment tonight. But R was not the one to handle it- no he had Mistress Trinity do it for him! Wow- all I can say is WOW! I admit- women don't do it for me at all but Mistress Trinity- I would submit to you anyday! That's how freakin good she is- and hot! I'm definately feeling my punishment and have the marks to prove it- yum! Yeah- it's still sinking in. More to come later.