Yummy, Yummy Kinky Candy!

So I met up with Kinky Candy again a few nights ago. (evil grin slowly appears)We had fun. He texted me earlier in the day and we decided out of the blue- hey, lets go out tonight! Cool! Then he texts me later "what time should I come aquire you tonight?" "Hmm- how about 8? Wait a minute- did you just say 'aquire me'? Why does this not sound good?" So the whole time I'm getting ready my mind is racing trying to figure out what exactly Kinky has planned. Finally, lightbulb! I text R- "would I be using the correct terminology if I said I was going to 'aquire' a suspect?" R texts back- "why?" I said "oh, I mentioned something to Kinky the other day about a cop fantasy and being 'tortured' for information." R texts back- "LOL- get ready for handcuffs!" Dammit! Me and my big mouth. Great- so what exactly DOES he have planned?


I pace while I'm waiting for Kinky to show up. My active imagination goes into overdrive and I think of different scenarios and get more and more nervous. I hear a knock at the door- he's here! Ok- brace yourself, be ready for anything Mariposa. I open the door and I check pockets as he walks through the door- ok just keys. I turn my back on him to go into the kitchen thinking any minute he's just going to pounce on me! Nothing- oh, ok. Guess he's not doing anything like that tonight. So we walk to his truck, get in. He says "give me your hand." I give him my hand- click. Handcuffs. Dammit! He is using the handcuffs. He cuffs my other hand as well- but he's not done! He has another set of handcuffs and he cuffs me to the dashboard! The funny thing- I just gave him my hands like it was nothing, no questions, no hesitation- just let him cuff me to the dashboard. It's not until I'm cuffed and can't do anything about it that I sit and think- WTF did I just get myself into? Too late now! These babies are the real thing! They get a little tighter on my wrists as I fidget- ok lets not do that.


As we're driving he says "look at the toy I got at Folsom!" Uh oh! What the hell is it?! He pulls out what looks like a ruler. I take a closer look- what is that like a paint stirring stick? That's exactly what it looked like. "Hahahaha! That thing wont do anything. It will break the first time you smack me with it. Please- I've seen splinters bigger than that thing." Thwack! "that thing fuckin stings! Put that away! What the hell! Ohh- it stings. Nice. Do it again!" He hits my leg a few moe times and then lays his little evil paint stick on his lap. I don't even ask where we are going because I know he wont tell me. We drive to the downtown area of our town. Thwack! "God dammit- I'm gonna break that thing if you don't watch it." We pull into a parking lot and he gets out his keys for the cuffs. "Do you want those off, hmm?" "Yes" "What do you say?" Dammit- I hate begging. Ok- so I don't hate it, just when someone says to say please the child comes out in me and I want to be defiant and say "no! Make me." But I figure the night just started- no reason to start racking up punishments yet. So I say "can you please take the handcuffs off?" He very nicely takes the cuffs off.


We get out of the truck and start walking, I'm thinking what the hell is down here? Nothing interesting. "We're going to the Amtrak station." "What? Ok? Are you kidnapping me? We taking a train somewhere?!" "No- its my thinking spot." Alrighty. What do you have to think about that's so important that you are just going to sit at a train station with a girl that is wearing a cute dress for you and you just cuffed in your car? Must be pretty important. So we sit down at his thinking spot and just talk. That's the great thing- he can do crazy kinky things to me yet we can still hold a conversation. Awesome either way. I like just sitting and talking as much as him spanking me- ok so if I had to choose I would have a hard time choosing which I like more. Just kidding. Anyways- he says "you know this is part of your punishment right?" Oh- that's right, I got a punishment for not going to Folsom this year and going to Citadel instead. "What talking to you? How is that a punishment?" "No- sitting here at a train station when you're dressed so nicely." Yeah- I was wondering about that! See- Kinky has a rule, when we do anything together- doesn't matter what it is, I am to dress nicely, cute, sexy- whatever you want to call it. So I'm sitting there in a very cute dress if I do say so myself, wondering why I got dressed up to sit at a train station! So yeah- pretty good punishment :)


After a while and a few kisses and bites to keep me on my toes we go back to his truck. I wonder if he'll put the cuffs back on me. No- he lets me go without. But out comes that evil little stick of his again. Thwack, thwack, thwack! OK- you are just having too mcuh fun with that thing! We talk and he keeps smacking me on the leg every once in a while. He smacks me three times really fast on my right leg- Damn- that stings! "When's your birthday?" Huh? "why?" Thwack, thwack "OK- May 17!" thwack! Goodness! I don't know if I like that thing or not. It's a love hate relationship at this point. I flinch everytime I see him get ready to smack me. I can't help it! I think "oh no!" But then I end up liking it in the end- it's that stinging type of pain- my favorite. We stop to get a bite to eat. He orders me a drink- not him! Just me! Dude- I seriously did some damage to my liver this past weekend. I drank like three days in a row- crazy amounts of alcohol! Fine- if you insist- I wont turn down a drink.


We finish eating and it's back to the car and I'm on my toes again. He tucked his little evil stick in his sun visor. I kept looking at it thinking "I hate you, you little stinker. I'm watching you! No sudden movements!" Kinky noticed I kept looking at it I guess, he says "it's not going anywhere." He pulls it out and starts teasing me! He acts like he's going to smack me with it. I can't help it- each time I flinch, brace myslef for impact. Not that it's horrible or anything- it's just that surprising, stinging feeling. He seems to get a kick out of seeing me flinch! He puts his little evil stick away. Thwack! he smacks me on the leg with his hand instead. Dammit! Sneaky bastard. He seems to like dark, deserted places because we start driving down a road that leads to nowhere. He wasn't joking when he had stated earlier that we were going to drive around and find all the dark hidden spots in the area. He pulls off the road- it's dark, nothing around. He gets out of the truck. What? Now?! He opens my door- guess I have to get out. What are we doing exactly? "Assume the positon." Ah- spankings! He grabs my wrists and pins them against the truck above my head. He starts spanking me. Yes- firm hand just like I remember :) I have no idea how many spankings I got or how long it lasted or when my panties were pulled down- but yeah- now I know what subspace is. I never got what people said when they talked about subspace- I know there are different levels etc. But I think this is the first time I actually entered some form of subspace. He pulls my head back by my hair and whispers in my ear "do you like that hmmm? Do you want more?" I don't know- something like that! Like I said- subspace, can't remember word for word people! I say "yes"- he starts spanking me again "well good because I'm not done yet. It's not up to you when I stop anyways. I'll stop spanking you when I'm ready to." Meep! Getting a little tender. I'm at the point where I'm thinking "ok- that is beginning to sting a bit. Maybe you should ease up." But he continues- Wow! Yeah- gonna feel it tomorrow.


He turns me around to face him and slams my back against the truck and starts kissing me- bites my neck. I have to be honest- I'm not goint to try and even remember what he said at this point case I have no fucking clue. All I remember is he was asking me yes or no questions and I would just shake my head yes or no. Then he pulls my dress and bra down and starts sucking on my nipple- now see I'm generally not a person that gets turned on by this but- it felt very nice. I relaxed and leaned my head back on the car, close my eyes. Slap! He slaps my breast- hello! Then he sucks on my other nipple and as soon as I relax again- slap! The other breast- Mmmm! Then he turns me around again and shoves me against the truck, spanks me. Then he slaps my thigh- wow, didn't expect that! The legs are a tender spot! Then he slaps the back of my knee and my calf and works his way back up my other leg. He spanks me again "this is for leaving Citadel early!" Spank, spank, spank! Yikes! He whispers in my ear " I know what you''re thinking right now. No please stop. My ass is sore. I can't take anymore." Spank! "Well too bad!" Spank! "It's not your decision..." Spank! "when" Spank! "I" Spank! "stop!" Spank, spank, spank, spank! Oh...My....God! I'm breathless right now just writing about this! He grabs my hair and pulls my head back "do you like that?" "Yes" "Are you turned on?" "Yes" "Why? Hmmm?" I shrug. I'm in subspace right now I can only answer yes or no questions- you expect me to form a sentence when I'm floating?! He pulls my hair harder "speak!" I shrug my shoulders again "Stop making we wait for an answer." I don't know what else to say so I just say "cause it feels good?" He yanks my hair "It's not because I'm hot? Hmm? Just that this feels good?" I answer- "no" He starts spanking me again "you need to think about your answers before you speak next time!" Spank, spank, spank! I'm totally breathless at this point and hardly able to stand up so I lean against the truck. It's gone from pain to pleasure. He pulls my head back again by my hair and whispers something- I don't remember exactly what it was but he basically asked if I was turned on again and what I was thinking. All I could get out was "I want you." "Do you think you deserve my cock, slut?" "Yes" "Do you think you've been a good slut? Done everything I've asked you to do?" Is this a test?! I can't think right now! Are you going to ask me to name all 50 states next or what? Cause that's honestly what it feels like to form a one word answer right now! So I just keep saying yes. "Is your ass sore?" "Yes"- need to sit down- floating, dizzy! "Do you think you'll feel it tomorrow when you sit down?" "Yes" He opens the car door and I sit down. He's talking to me and then faster than I can blink he chokes me. God this guy knows how to keep me on my toes! I swear everytime he does that it gets tighter and longer- I have to say that is one thing I never thought I would like is breath play. But come to find out- I enjoy it.


We start driving again. All I can do is sit there and giggle like a little girl. That's what I do when I get nervous- I giggle. I'm in a daze- thinking- are we driving back to my place? He turns the opposite direction of my house- wait! I thought- you just- I can't- Where the hell are we going now?! Take me home and fuck me dammit!!! "Oh, look! We're going to Barnes and Noble." Why?!!! I feel like throwing a temper tantrum and screaming "I don't wanna! Please take me home! Take me home and take advantage of me already you dirty boy!" We park- God Dammit! I just follow him in the store. What the hell are we doing in a book store when you could be slamming me up against a wall somewhere screwing my brains out?! "Do you like to read?" What?! Books? We're seriously talking about books right now? You are lucky I don't jump on you in the middle of the freakin store and demand you fuck me! Yes I know it wouldn't get me anywhere but still. He just keeps walking around the store- not really looking at anything. He stops in the interior decorating section. What? Feel the need to redecorate all of a sudden after you just redecorated my ass with purple bruises? Come on! Some reaction! Am I the only one that is like a horny teenager right now? Apparently! He hands me a knitting book "here. Read this, I'll be right back." Yipee- just my cup of tea. I put it back on the shelf "I didn't say put it back! I said read it!" Fine! I flip through the damn knitting book while I wait for him to return. Seriously? You are seriously making me look at this? Wait a minute- I'm letting you make me look at this?! What the hell has happened to my brain? Supspace- that's what! And you are making me read a knitting book instead of taking advantage of this subspace I'm in right now.


He comes back. Finally! We head back to the car- but are we going home yet? No! We are finding more dark spots! Hey- I know of one huge dark spot that we could go to- my fucking empty house! It's waiiiiitiiing! No? Fine. So we drive around some more- more evil stick! I'm getting impatient! I ask "you having fun just driving around?" "Mmmhmm." I don't remember what I said or did but apparently I was being a little feisty. He grabs my hair and slowly pulls my head closer and closer to him. "Do you know why I'm pulling you closer and closer?" What did he just say? Ah right- "to keep me on my toes." "exactly! Maybe I'll be nice and let you suck my cock while I drive." I unbutton his pants and start succking his cock- alright people! I'll go into a little more detail this time- geez! People seem to like to hear about sucking cock. The only reason I don't is I can't judge or tell you how it feels. I'm just the one pleasing. I can't tell you how it felt but I can tell you how his cock felt in my mouth- that work? Well- lets just say not lacking in size and very pleasant to look at actually. Not many are hehe. I take him into my mouth and I taste a little pre cum. As I move faster I feel him getting harder and bigger. I'm hoping the moans I hear mean it feels good. I feel his hand on the back of my head lightly. I like that- he's not forcing my head down- just kind of guiding it- letting me know what pace to go at. I feel like he's letting me know he is still in control and could push my head down if he wanted to but never does. There- that good enough? Well that's all you get! The next thing I know we pull into my driveway.....


TO BE CONTINUED!

Letting My Freak Flag Fly

I have a secret that I have kept for years. It is something I even had a problem admitting to myself- just like how I am into BDSM. As I said before I grew up in a very conservative, Christina household. I grew up being fed information on what is correct, what is considered "bad". So having the feelings I had made me feel like a horrible, demonic person. So admitting I was into BDSM was hard enough- I mean it's one thing to admit you like kinky, rough sex. A lot of people are into that! That is more acceptable than what else I have been hiding. It is very revealing, it is something a lot frown upon- even in the BDSM community. Ok- not frown upon but it is something that a lot of people can't wrap their mind around.


My big secret- the one I've never told anyone- I want to live a poly lifestyle. Yes people! I'm finally letting my freak flag fly high and proud! I'm a very open person- always have been. I accept everyone for who they are. I don't judge- we are all different. That's what makes this world such a beautiful place! So be who you are and don't apologize for it. No one is "different" or should be considered an outcast. Not one person is exactly the same on this planet- so we are ALL different! So why judge and push your beliefs on someone else? If we were all supposed to be the same and think and feel the same- we would have been made that way.


I was first exposed to polyamory when I was a teen. Immediately when I heard about it I thought "that is the most wonderful thing ever!" But I felt guilty for feeling that way. I was raised in church- you read and follow the Bible! You do not under any circumstances have pre marital sex, if you do that is considered adultry because you are only to be with one person and love only one person for your entire life! Well- considering I have had numerous sexual partners already and I have been divorced- I'm already damned to hell according to the Church. Whatever! I'm done feeling guilty about my choices and what makes me happy in life. I've been living my life according to others beliefs- faith. All it has done is make me feel like a disgrace. Well- I'm done! I'm the happiest I have ever been in my life right now. How can something be considered so horrible if it makes me this happy? I finally gave in and admitted I like BDSM- and I'm ecstatic! So I'm going to be completely honest with myself, give into these feelings I've held back for years! Screw society- this makes me happy. I'm poly!


Even though I've only been in manogomous relationships in the past- I know I'm poly. I'm not your typical girl that gets upset if you look at another female, find her attractive. That's human nature. Just because I am in a relationship with someone and maybe they have deep feelings for me- it doesn't mean your brain automatically shuts off your ability to have feelings for another. We're not wired to only have deep feelings for one individual. Just as there are numerous shades of green in the world- there are numerous levels of love. You can love someone romantically, or on a friendship level, or the love between a parent and child. It doesn't even have to be love! You can be in love with one individual and be infatuated with another. We are beings made to feel. We have emotions for a reason. Why go against nature and shut off emotions because society says we have to? Why should I feel guilty about say- loving one person and finding another attractive? I shouldn't! But society has made it so manogomy is mainstream. I'm done conforming to society- I'm starting to color outside the lines and I love it. So I'm not stopping. If I want to be poly- so be it.


In a relationship all I ask for is respect and honesty. Even in a poly relationship one can cheat. What makes it cheating? Not being honest, hiding intent. I know the dynamic is different with each poly relationship but I'm going to state what would work for me- how I view a poly relationship for me personally. If I were to have a primary partner- I would just want the person to be completely honest and open. You're interested in someone else? No problem. Just don't let it get in the way of our connection, respect what we have and keep communicating with me. That's all I ask- no secrets. I'm not the jealous type, I don't get hurt as long as you are honest. I don't keep secrets from my partners so I expect they would not keep secrets from me. I don't expect someone to have feelings for me and then completely shut off all emotion to others. We all have emotions- just let them flow. Why hide them or fight them? That just creates problems and makes you unhappy- spiteful of the other person even. Just as men can't help but stare at a beautiful woman as they walk by- I can't help but check out a hot ass guy if I see him! You want to make out with that hot chick? Hell, I'd probably admit I would too! I'm not afraid to admit when a person is attractive no matter what gender. Doesn't mean I would do anything with that person- but I wont get upset for someone thinking another is smokin hot. Go ahead! You want to make out with them, spank em- whatever you want. Do it- just remember the connection you have with me and respect that fact. I respect you as a person- just respect me in return.


Honestly- to have a connection with someone where you are completely honest with someone, no secrets- that is more fufilling and more intimate than any manogomous relationship could ever be. You are completely free to be who you are! What could be more intimate than that?

Beer, Outfits and Swollen Feet

A dsy in the life of a party girl! Ok- so I was done partying a long time ago. I kind of felt like I took a trip back to the past this weekend- like 7 years ago. R and I spent Saturday in SF. First stop- Oktoberfest baby! Beer, food and annoying German music- what more could you ask for? I'd always wanted to go to Oktoberfest so when R said "hey- lets do Oktoberfest." there was no question. We get there and our first stop is to get tokens for the gallons of beer and pretzels we are going to consume. Next stop- R buys a mug twice the size of my head to hold his beer- awesomeness! I stick with the smaller cup which honestly is not that small. We get our beer and grab a pretzel with like a pound of salt on it and we're good to go. Slut watching time! See- I take joy in hot drunk chicks in german outfits making fools of themselves. It's the simple things in life.


Apparently when a normal person consumes a significant amount of alcohol it then somehow becomes ok for a grown man to wear lederhosen and little Peter Pan hats- or in some cases a chicken on their head. Women put on the shortest petticoats they can find and still be considered legal, find a mismatched crushed velvet dress, some hooker heels, braid their hair like Laura from Little House on the Prairie and your golden! Seeing old men chop a log with axes to the beat of an accordion player becomes the best entertainment ever! The only two saving graces for me for this event were the dancers- at the end of the dance they actually turned the women over the mens knee and spanked them! Now we're talking! The other saving grace was seeing this guy wrap his lips around a big sausage and just go to town! Yeah- who doesn't love a bratwurst? So after dropping $60.00 we walk away with a few beers, four pretzels, two pieces of cake and one hell of a fuckin buzz. R of coure made me finish his beer! Whatever.


Second stop on our busy day- Victoria's Secret! R decided my panties for Citadel were not to his liking apparently. He said "we'll go to Victoria's Secret and see if there is anything better. Tell you what- I'll buy them for you." Well hell! What girl is going to say no to panties?! OK, so I admit I have a bit of an issue when it comes to lingerie- I'm obsessed! So of course I'm not going to turn down going to buy panties! We get there and R is avoiding all the panties like they're infected or something. Come on- what you don't want to touch any panties? You know you do hehe. I kept trying to slyly get him to touch a pair but it didn't work. It was pretty funny actually. So we're looking around and I happen to find a pair that I like and they are on sale! So R being the nice guy that he is says I can get 5 instead of 1! I feel like skipping through the store and throwing panties up in the air so it's raining silk and lace and cotton. Maybe put them in a huge pile, jump in and make a panty angel. Yeah- I was in heaven. R is following me around "just pick 5 damn pairs so we can get out of here." Dude! This is a very, very important decision! You can't rush a woman who is so picky when it comes to panties- just can't be done. Plus- you're the one that wanted to come in here in the first place! "Just pick a pair already." No! This is serious business! You know how many styles of panties there are to choose from? Plus I ONLY have 5 choices here. Do I want lace? Cotton? Silk? Which colors? Do I want bold and cute or sexy? Do I want a wedgie all day or ones that only cover half an ass cheek with lace? Do I want granny panties that are made out of cute fabric or ones that look like little girls panties with ruffles? Come on! Wrong store to bring me in if you are in a hurry. Alright, geez. Spoil my fun! So I pick 5 pair and we are off to our next destination.


We then head to R's parents house- I wait in the car cause I am not going to go in and talk to his parents and try to explain how I know R and what our plans are for the evening. "Yes Mr. and Mrs. R- I met your son on a BDSM website, he is helping me find a Master that will tie me up and spank me, flog me, do dirty kinky things to me. Maybe even collar me- lead me around on a leash." "Aww- well that's nice dear. So what are your plans tonight?" "Oh- well, tonight we are going to Citadel and plan on watching a bunch of public spanking, flogging- you know just the general things that go on at a public dungeon." Yeah- that would go over well! So R changes in the comfort of his parents house for Citadel. You'll see why I have such an issue with this later.


We still had some time to kill before Citadel so we go to a little place called The Bubble Lounge. R- this is where I will be having dinner every night now- you need me that's where you can find me. I loved it- it is so my kind of place. It's a champagne bar, with amazing desserts! Well, except for the dessert they call upside down cheesecake. More like two spoonfuls of cream cheese with graham cracker sprinkles! Blah! So disappointing- it was not sweet at all. It was literally like someone took a carton of cream cheese and plopped two scoops on a plate. But yes- I will be calling them and telling them our table is to be permanently reserved and I want a Bubblicious and lemon drop and that chocolate dessert waiting for me- 6:30 sharp, every night! That is what I am having for dinner from now on thank you. What is a bubblicious you ask? It is peach nectar and champagne! Mmmmmmm- give me like 5 of those and I'll be set. Oh and the lemon drop- amazing! I looooove desserts. It was a lemon custard with some granola, a blueberry compote, granola and champagne flavored shaved ice on top. Sounds like an odd combination but the creamy custard with the crunchy granola and the coolness on the ice- it was like an explosive lemon orgasm in your mouth! Then we had some chocolate dish- can't remember what it was. The best way to describe it was chocolate french toast with whipped cream! MMMMMMMMMMM! Oh- I want more right now. Yeah that was the extent of the pleasure I received that night. Mmm- melt in your mouth, warm chocolate with whipped cream- Oh! OMG! Please- more! Don't stop! Dammit it's gone! Yes, I'm a dessert girl :) Especially chocolate.


So after The Bubble Lounge R drives me somewhere to change for Citadel. We're driving and driving. Like I said before- R got to change at his parents house. I on the other hand have to change in a dark..... church... parking lot! Before we get there R says "don't worry, no one will be there." I figure- fine I've changed in a car before, that's fine as long as no one is around. So we drive to this supposed secluded church parking lot- it's a freakin parking garage with cars everywhere! Dude! WTF! I see- you just like to play games. Fine- you want me to make a fool of myself- I will. But no one can really see anyways because it's dark. So I start to change- I pull my top off and go to put my dress on and R turns the lights on in the damn car! Hey! Not funny! Then I have to get out of the car and stand up to get my pants off and change my panties. It would have been fine if R didn't roll down the window and shout about me changing my panties! Hey- didn't you have enough fun already pinching my arms and giving me bruises and testing out pressure points just because you were bored?! No? Now you have to draw attention to my half naked ass? Whatever hehe


Final stop for the night- Citadel. Oh- after like a half hour of trying to put on my heels. Beer and salty pretzels do wonders for feet apparently! I could barely zip my shoes! Yeah- so was not feeling sexy! Actually feeling a little bloated! Just roll me into Citadel why don't you? So we get to Citadel and there is a line of like 5 old ass people in front of us waiting to get in. WTF! Is there like an early bird special that we don't know about or something? These people are honestly older than my parents! Did we make a wrong turn and go into Denny's instead? Can you use your AARP discount here? Don't break a hip honey. Jesus- or have a heart attack whipping your lady there dude. We make our way in and go downstairs to see if there is anything interesting going on. Nope- just more there for the early bird special. So we go back upstairs and find a seat. There is only one chair available so I let R sit there and I sit on the massage table near the chair. Then all of a sudden a monster comes and sits down next to me! This tall skinny man sits next to me in this tight bodysuit made out of what seems to be roadkill! It is a bodysuit of hair! OMG! R- kill it! WTF is that?! It's looking at me! I think it's a R.O.U.S.! (extra points if you even know what that is) Then after getting over my initial shock of Mr. Bigfoot himself I look over at R and out of the corner of my eye- I see the old ass dude sitting next to R ogling me like I have never been ogled before! Ok- now I am seriously going to die! I feel like running away screaming at the top of my lungs and pulling my hair out! Where the hell are we?! This is not Citadel!


After a bit the old dude gets up from his seat but then Mr. Bigfoot sits down next to the old woman that was with the old dude and starts rubbing all over her and she starts petting him! Blah- I think I just puked a little in my mouth. R is starting to fall asleep so I take a little time to look around at all the lovely, or not so lovely faces. Bam! One hottie! Damn- nice arms! Look over here boy! I'm giving him the "come over here and bend me over this chair and spank me" look. Oh- he looked! Dammit- he looked away again. Why is this not working?! Jesus- need me to be more bold and just walk right up to you, pull my dress up, bend over and grab my ankles? Come on! Oh! That explains it- yeah, he's gay. Damn- can't catch a break! Ugh- R, wake up! Boring! Oh no- here we go again. Mr. Karate is back! Remember- the dude from the first Citadel trip that was more worried about his flogger twirling abilities than pleasing his partner? Yeah- he sucks! He seriously dropped the flogger midswing! Dude- you're a dork! Then he starts beating this girl with two canes to the beat of the music like she's a drumset as he dances horribly to the music. This isn't some damn nightclub- your caning someone for God's sake! Pay attention! OMG- did she just meow? The girl he's caning just meowed! R- can we get the hell out of here now?


I figured we should wait a little longer- the night had to get better, it just had to! R wanted to go, he was tired. I told him to go take a nap in the car and I would stay and wait. "I'm not leaving you here alone!" Oh come on- how much trouble could I seriously get myself into in a public dungeon? Seriosuly. What? Afraid you might find me bound to a St. Andrew's Cross with like 10 guys taking turns beating me? Don't think you have to worry about that one! First- I'm like the only girl not half naked in this place- I think they would be more likely to go for the half naked chicks first. Second- I doubt anyone is even interested in discussing anything with me let alone want to do anything with me. Third- what part of me bound to a St. Andrew's Cross and 10 men sounds bad? To me that sounds like an awesome fucking night! But fine- if you insist. Stay. So we stay a little longer and hey things might be looking up! A Dom starts to tie up his sub on the table right in front of us- woo hoo! He ties both wrists and feet and then even ties her torso down. Behind them I see this dude with an odd instrument and he's using it on this girls back- what the? OMG- it's a plunger! Ahahahahahaha! He is plunging this girls ass and back- now that is hilarious! Then he gets out rubber chickens and starts beating her with the rubber chickens. Ha Ha! Sorry- I like comedy, what can I say? Then I'm drawn back to the sub tied down to the table- he starts doing things to this girl- parrt of me is sitting there thinking- OMG there is no way I could handle all of that! No way in hell I would let anyone do that to me. But part of me is jealous! I can't help but think how happy this girl looked before this all started and he was leading her on a leash by her collar- she willingly let him tie her down and undress her. God I want that! I want to be owned! I want to find one I can trust enough to completely give over that much control! But I know that I am having fun right now as it is exploring things. I don't have to be owned to explore and trust. I just have to go with the flow and everything will fall into place.


So- yeah, Citadel was not the most fun this time. But I admit I just had a blast getting out of the house and just having a fun day with R! Awww- no don't worry I'm not getting all mushy on you R. hehe

You Ready To Do This?

That's right R! The day has come! Tomorrow we will duke it out in a battle of stubbornness. You don't know who you're dealing with Mister. I am THE most stubborn person on this planet. Well- besides you- but I can take you! You will be balled up in the corner crying like a little girl after I defeat you. Ok- so I'll probably be the one crying due to the circumstances but whatever!


I thought I could get backups to help- but no one cares sniff, sniff. Kinky said I'm on my own, my readers just leave me here alone- laughing, waiting for my story of defeat. But I will show you all! I will conquer! I am a big girl and I can take care of myself. Bring it- bring your A game boy cause you're going down!

Honestly- there is no way for me to come out a winner in this situation so I don't know why I even talk.

Kinky Candy

Oh boy :) Where to start? Well, I had just a hint of fun this past weekend- just a hint. Ok, no- I'm lying, it was fucking great! I hope my partner in crime feels the same way. It was just awesome fun!I have been chatting with someone in my area. I admit I was a little scared to meet someone so close to me because- what if it went terribly wrong? I'd have more of a chance seeing him since we live in the same area. Plus, with all the other dumbasses I've been talking to lately I really didn't want to go through the same disappointment I have been. But God bless him- he kept chatting with me even though I gave him quite a few problems.


I finally agreed to let down my guard and meet him. Plus he gave me a little challenge since he knows I can't turn down a challenge. Which I have found to be a bad thing! So many know exactly what is on my mind now and what I like due to my blog- hmm it could either work to my advantage or work against me. So, my challenge- he gave me two weeks to meet him in person. Each day out of these two weeks counted as 2 spankings- so everyday I waited to meet him, 2 spankings were deducted. So if I met him the very next day I would get 28 spankings. If I waited the full two weeks I would get 0 spankings. I figured- alright, I'll take the challenge! Well I didn't want to seem too excited by the fact that I would be spanked so I decided "ok, next weekend, that will put me at aroound 20 spankings." That's a fair amount. But being the gentleman that he is, or he just loves to spank, he contacted me on Friday and I happened to be packing my house up because I am moving. He said he could come help. "Well, if you want to. But I'm a sweaty mess and there is nothing sexy about that- or packing boxes! But sure if you want to, come over." So now we're sitting at 24 spankings :)


Oh- that's right. Let me explain his nickname. I'm going to call him Kinky Candy Long story lol- well R called me kinky candy girl for the longest time because of one of my blog posts. Well since he comes up with new nicknames pretty much weekly that one is gone. Other nicknames have included Curly, Subbie, Sugar Free Kinky Candy Girl- when I was off of sugar, and the newest McHickey hehe. I'll explain that one later. Yes I know kinky candy is not an actual name of a candy but it seems to fit perfectly. There is another reason but I can't explain on here because it might ruin the anonymity. But he knows the reason for the name.


So Kinky Candy came over Friday night to help me pack. Aww- what a gentleman. OK- I had a bet going with R (he came up with it, not me!) R said I would definately play on the first meeting. I told him there was no way- he was just coming over to help me pack. Goodness- think I can't control myself? Put some faith in me R! Well- see it depends on who you talk to whether or not what we did was considered play. I mean- anyone not into BDSM could have done the things we did. So I still say it was not play, R! I mean- people who are not into BDSM can bite one another on the neck- that's not strictly BDSM. Also, a few spanks could happen to anyone right? See- I woke up the next morning and it looked like I had gotten in a fight with a piranha! My neck was one big bite mark! So now R calls me McHickey. Alright! Fine! We played! But come on- how am I supposed to refuse a spanking?! Come on! R- you know you so would have done the same thing. Well, you would be the one giving the spankings, but you know what I mean! I'm sure you get overwhelmed by the need to spank someone every now and then- well I was in major, major need of a spanking! How do I refuse when there is such a willing, generous person in my house? It would just be rude to refuse. I'm sure in some culture somewhere I was just practicing good manners. Well- that's my story and I'm sticking to it!


Now moving on to the very fun enjoyable night hehe. I met Kinky Candy for dinner this weekend. Oh, that's right R gave me a punishment like 5 minutes before Kinky showed up. Since I didn't complete another punishment, my punishment was once we sat down at dinner- I was to wait 20 minutes. Then go to the bathroom, remove my panties, walk back to the table and hand Kinky my panties. OMG! Dammit- I shouldn't have answered the phone! Fine R- you just love to torture me don't you? So we sit down to dinner, I eat a bit and then I go to take off my panties. There was no one in the restaurant but the minute that I have to hand over my panties everyone and their mother decides to show up and sit next to us! Oh hell no! I'll give him the panties in the car- fuck that shit! So we finish eating, go back to the car- I hand over my panties. What reaction do I get? None! He just takes them and stuffs them in his pocket- doesn't say a word about them. Ok- fine, guess he doesn't like my panties. Hmph!


We start driving, he says "so where you want to go?" I have no freakin clue- I just handed you my panties and all you can say is where you want to go? Home, dammit! Whatever- do what you want, I'm the subbie here. So we start driving- he keeps taking backroad after backroad- I keep looking at him like "where the hell are you taking me?" He says "I'm taking you to my friends shop." OK- um why? What kind of shop is this? "You'll see". I'm thinking- should I just jump out now while we are still moving? Run for my life? Ok- so I know he's truly a trustworthy person but you never know! We are driving through like an industrial area- no houses. Finally we get to an area where there are houses again. Whew! As if he could read my mind he says " don't worry- see back to civilization." Uh huh- is this a scare tactic? Alright fine- so I admit it was a fun scare tactic if that is what it was meant to be. Then he starts driving down what looks like a dark alley! Holy shit! No one around- just a bunch of little shops. It's 9:00 at night, dark, just me and him. He pulls up in front of one of the shops. He gets out of the car- you really expect me to follow you into a dark building? Oh hells no! I seen a scary movie or two, but I've also seen some porn that starts out this way also- bad porn! So either way, not a good situation.


I ask him "you seriously want me to go in there with you?" "yep"- well I start thinking- Hmm, I do have pepper spray in my purse and even though I'm a weakling, I think I could take him if I needed to. Just kick the family jewels and bite! Although- he may like that kind of thing- so its a toss up. I take my chances- I get out of the truck, wait while he opens the door and turns on the light. I creep through the door- oh ok just a shop. Car, tools, bunch of guy stuff that I have no idea what the hell it is used for. But some of these things could be used to strangle me! Keep an eye out Mariposa! Yes- I'm not sure if he was just doing this to test my trust in him or what. So we go to leave- the door is locked. Uh oh hehe. I unlock it and open the door. He comes up behind me and says "we're not done yet" and he closes the door. He locks it and semi pins me against the door. He starts kissing the back of my neck, Mmmm, then a bite yum! Some more kisses and then another bite. Mmmm! Then a spank! Uh- I just died and gone to heaven. "Do you know why you're getting a spanking?" No and I don't give a damn just don't stop! "Because you've been a good girl and completed R's punishment." Spank. Don't stop whatever you do. spank, spank, spank! OMG! Yes! Tingly- love it! Been way too long since I had a good spanking. Just when I think he's finished he starts on the left side spank, spank, spank! Ahhh! You could seriosuly do that all freakin night! Then he backs away. Dammit! He opens the door and we walk back to the car, he opens the car door for me. I hop in and I can't remember why but he leans over me to get something and then he bites my neck sending chills down my spine. He closes the door and walks around and sits down in the drivers seat and we are off again. I don't remember much on the ride home but honestly I was on a little high from the spanking. It had been way too long since I had a good spanking and he has a very firm hand :)


We get back to my place. As I said I'm moving so pretty much all the rooms are void of furniture. There is lots of- open space. We go back to my room, we're standing there talking and then he shoves me into the wall behind me, Mmmm. He grabs my wrists- pins my arms above my head- oh, I love being restrained like that. I'll admit at this point I just get lost in the feelings- I know he was whispering things- can't remember word for word or which order they came in but I'll try :) He starts kissing me, my neck, my arms. He bites my neck, then kisses or licks it to soothe after the bite and then bites in another spot on my neck. It continues- arm, neck, shoulder. He lifts up my dress and scratches my stomach with his nails. Oh God! Then a light touch and another scratch. He is still holding my wrists, he turns me around so I'm facing the wall- puts my hands above my head again and spanks me hard. "That's 1, 2, 3..." here comes my 24 spankings! "4, 5, 6, 7, 8, 9, 10..." Somewhere around this time he pulls my pants down and tucks my dress up so my ass is bare and continues. "24...25" oh more?! I don't know how many more I can handle at this level! "26" OMG! "27" Mmm- too much. "28" Wow! "29" Yikes! "30" I don't know if I want him to stop or keep going! He lets go of my wrists suddenly and says "now put yourself back together, slut." and walks out of the room. Wow! First I think- is he seriously just going to leave after that? Or does he want me to follow him or stay where I am and wait? I take a few moments and gathermy thoughts. I walk out to the living room and as I am walking down the hall I already want him to spank me more- even though that was probably the most firm spanking I've received, I want more. I get to the living room and he is sitting down with a smile on his face. I have no idea where this came from but I find myself sitting down on the ground next to him and I lay my head in his lap.


We sit and chat for a bit. I like that we can hold a normal everyday conversation as well- that's a huge plus! Nomally when I have played with others they seem to be in full Dom mode nonstop. Sorry, I'm not a slave- I'm a sub. I don't live the 24/7 lifestyle- don't want to. I deserve respect just as much as anyone else does. Just because I'm a submissive in the bedroom does not mean I don't have a mind of my own. I do and I want to keep it that way. After chatting for a while we end up back in me bedroom. He asks what is in this chest on the floor. I'm thinking "oh you don't want to see that." It's wedding stuff from my failed marriage that I am saving for my daughter. But hey if you insist. So I open it- oh, I'm sure glad I did. I start pulling stuff out and on the bottom of the chest are three colored ropes. I used them in my wedding ceremony- we had a renaissance wedding and did the whole "tying the knot" thing. Of course my mind immediately starts thinking kinky thoughts. I say "hmm- these could actually be kind of fun. Kinky." I start putting them away and he grabs the rope, grabs my wrists and ties my wrists together. I think "oh- this is going to be fun!" Then he grabs another rope and ties it around my ankles. Uh oh! Um- that makes me a lot more vulnerable! I think ok this is the time I can stop him or there is no turning back. Well he just took me in a desserted building and I'm still alive so what the hell- let's do this! He rolls me on my back and says "I can even hogtie you." He reaches for my feet and I start fighting him- he says "oh, no you don't." He spanks me a few times and I admit it hurt a little because at that point my ass is a little tender from the spankings earlier. "You don't tell me no." So I lay still at that point and let him hogtie me.


Then he gets up and starts circling me slowly and says "now you are totally at my mercy. I could spank you some more, I could cut your clothes off of you or I could even leave you here by yourself. " Then he leaves the room- I'm thinking "oh hell no!" But I could have gotten out of it cause the rope around my hands was coming loose. Then he comes back in and has his phone and takes some pics-oh great blackmail hehe. Then he untied the rope "now I could leave you like this but I'm not really a fan of you being hogtied." He flipped me over and tied my wrists together in front of me and he lays on top of me and shoves my hands above my head. He starts kissing me again and every once in a while he kisses my neck and when I least expect it bites me and goes back to kissing and then bites. Yum! Then he lifts my dress up and starts scratching my sides and stomach with his nails and then caresses me with light touches then scratches me again. Dear Lord! Then he bites me a few times on my side. Then he starts rubbing me through my pants. He started whispering in my ear "I know your thinking right now- please make me cum, cam I cum please, please make me cum. NO!" Then he pulls his hand away and straddles me and grabs another rope and says "see I could even use this as a gag." I put my hands up and said "no!" and I fought him quite a bit- he finally said "I can tell you don't want me to so I wont go that far this time." Which I very much appreciated- he could tell what I really didn't want to do and what was ok.


Then he basically picked me up by the arms so I was standing- my hands and feet still bound. My feet were so tightly bound that I couldn't walk, he started pushing me back so I tried to hop but fell down again on my knees. He said "so are you trying to tell me you want to stay on your knees?" I shook my head yes. He pulled my hair so I was looking up at him and said "what was that, slut?" I said "yes." He asked "and why is that?" Earlier we had a conversation about oral skills and I told him I might be a little out of practice with my skills so I said "I want to see if I still have skills." He let go of my hair and said "then do it, " He made me unbutton his pants and pull them down. I'm not going into detail about this- you shold know what happened lol. He started to untie my hands and I stopped and he said "did I tell you to stop?" Then he pushed my head down. So I continued. Then he pulls my head up by my hair to look at him and says "do you want me to cum in your mouth or on your face, slut?" I say "in my mouth." He pushes my head back down and says "good girl." So he cums and then tells me to pull his pants back up and button them which I do. Then unties my feet and he sits on the floor and I lay my headin his lap and we discuss the experience. Great fun!


So- here I sit covered in bruises, I bruise very easily hehe. Most are hidden by my clothes- but everyday when I go to take a shower and I undress and see myself in the mirror I see these bruises that are now fading and think "I want more, dammit!" God- love it! Who would ever think I would want bruises? Growing up I was always covered in bruises because of dance and I'm a redhead- we just bruise easily. So I grew up being self conscious about all the bruises I had. Now- I want them! Well- of course only if I get them from bites and spankings. They just aren't fun if you run into a wall and end up with a bruise. But they are a reminder of a very yummy night :)

Passion vs. Love

Passion- any powerful or compelling emotion or feeling. Strong sexual desire; lust.

Love- a profoundly tender affection for another.


I finally figured out why so many don't seem to understand me or think I am only looking to be in a "loving" serious relationship. For one- if my personality type, INFJ, truly is only 1% of the population (which seems very unlikely) no wonder so many have an issue understanding me. Second- I think most have been mistaking my passionate personality for wanting a deeper connection. Just as I mistook cockiness for confidence- I think most mistake my passion for life in general as a need for love. As you can see by the definitions above they can be viewed as the same thing but if you look closer you will see the difference. Passion can be ANY emotion- not just love. You can be passionately angry, passionately committed, passionate about your work, passionate about your family, passionate about your friendships.


Passionate- that is me, end of story. Every emotion and every action in my life I live with passion. I am compelled by so many things in my life- I feel passion every moment of every day. I can't help it, it just happens. Emotions just pour out of me- I am passionate about every aspect of my life. So even in friendship I am passionate. I give my all- I dive in head first, I leave nothing behind. So in a lifestyle like BDSM- if I'm talking with someone and they don't know me very well; Like if it is our first time meeting in person or chatting over IM- my passion for life and everything in it can be viewed as love or needing a "loving" relationship. I see now why so many ran in fear! They have told me I need to look for a LTR and not just a play partner- they think I want more. They're probably thinking "whoa lady slow down there. This is D/s ok? Not a vanilla relationship." I have heard that from numerous people- "you know D/s relationships are different from vanilla relationships, right?" Yes people! Believe me I get it. My question to all of you is- you know there is a difference between passion and love, right? Apparently everyone I've talked to doesn't- they just think I'm some crazy psycho that can't separate love from sex. So not the truth. I just happen to be a very passionate person- always have been, always will be. I try to hold back as much as I can due to the comments I've received but I can't. Why should I have to hold back my emotions? Just because no one can distunguish the difference between passion and love? Hell- I even feel anger passionately as I'm sure you all know by now from some of my blog posts. I give in and let my emotions take over. I get angry and I let it out, I release it. I speak my mind and then it is gone, the wave washes over me and then I can move on to the next experience; the next emotion.


I am the epitome of one into the arts. If you have not been around a lot of artists then you have no idea what I'm talking about. But if you have you know that we are all very passionate individuals- at least in my experience. I think as artists we all view art in the same way- it is a release, an extension of us. I love to write and perform (dance, act). When I write or perform it is a release. All the passion I have in me comes out- with every word I write every line spoken on stage, every turn or brush of my foot while dancing is a release. I am sharing my passion with everyone out there that would like to read or view it.


You always hear of people in the arts or science being viewed as geniuses or mentally unstable or just odd. Ok- so maybe some were really mental, but I think a lot were just so overwhelmed with passion in some instances they needed an outlet to let out their emotions. Since most of society is not as passionate anyone that marches to the beat of their own drum is viewed as absurd. Edgar Allen Poe, Van Gogh, Beethoven, Picasso, Einstein, Darwin. All viewed as odd individuals who were said to have had mental disorders. Were they mental or just too passionate? Maybe a little of both- who knows. Wow- how did I get from passion vs. love to mental artists? My odd brain at work. But anyways- I am just that, passionate and I don't apologize for it. I just wish more would understand or took the time to understand where I'm coming from.

The Marrying Type

(FYI: I mean this in a vey loving and joking manner. I am not a man hater in any way and if you don't know me very well by now- I'm very sarcastic)

Oh, what a curse! Yes, all my life I have heard these words- "you're the marrying type." What? Is that supposed to be a compliment or a put down? "No- you just are the type that has serious relationships. You're not the slutty type." Um- what if I want to be a slut? hehe I hate to break it to you all but there is one thing I am a true pessimist about and that my friends is marriage, happily ever afters, true caring gentlemen. I admit it! Due to my experiences in life- I can honestly say I despise the thought of ever getting married again! Oh and happily ever afters- don't exist! This is not a damn fairytale people- it's real life! Why do I hate the thought of marriage so much? Well for one from my experience it totally changes the dynamic between the two individuals. Why not just go get fixed instead of put a ring on your finger and commit your life to another? They both have the same effect- you immediately lose your sex drive. It's magic! You could have been the most touchy feely, lovey dovey- can't keep your hands off one another for a second, ripping clothes off type of couple. The minute that ring goes on your finger- it's gone forever! Instead you wake up the night after the wedding, turn over in bed and look at your "husband" (God- hate that word now!) and all you can think is "I have to wake up to that mug everyday for the next 50+ years! I will only have vanilla ice cream now for the rest of my life. What the hell did I just get myself into?!"


It's a phenomenon- both of your bellies grow to three times their original size. But there is one difference- in my case mine disappeared after 9 months, his stayed! The things you once thought were hot and a huge turn on just annoy the shit out of you. Like- my ex would come home before we were married and kick his shoes off and start yanking off clothes- they'd be strewn about, but I didn't care because I knew it was on the minute he walked in the door! After the honeymoon he tried that and I said "WTF! What you think this house is your personal laundry basket? Pick that up before you even consider looking at me. Oh and do the damn dishes first." Giving head becomes a punishment! For God sake's I love giving head! But it turned into a horrible thing I wanted to get out of any way I could. I'd think "God, he needs to mow the lawn- but I'm gonna have to give him head for him to even consider getting up off his lazy ass to do it. Meh- it can go for another week." It's like all the passion is sucked out of both of you. Not a good experience at all in my situation. Why fix what isn't broken? Why do I want to ruin another passionate connection if I ever find one? Hate to break it to you but- I'm staying single forever!


Here I am on my soapbox again- screw you society for making me feel like an outcast because I want to stay single for the rest of my life. You make me believe that since I am going to be single for the rest of my life I'll end up an old lady with 50 cats and I'll die alone in my house and no one will find me until the neighbors can't handle the stench coming from my house anymore and they break into my house and find my corpse half eaten by my cats! (Sorry- too explanatory for you all? Well deal!) I don't NEED a man to support me. I can take care of myself- I have been for quite a while now. I don't NEED a man around, but I WANT a man around- big difference. But I don't want a man around just to support me or be my rock! I may sound like a total guy or just a bitter woman but- right now men are good for two things- sex and projects around the house. Oh and opening lids that are on too tight. I can take care of everything else myself. So I guess you could say- I'd be happy with never getting married again.


I'm not saying I never want to be in any committed relationship ever again. Just that it doesn't have to be legally binding. Why should it be? I think it ruins the spice! Neither party tries anymore- they think eh, there stuck with me anyways. I mean yes it is possible that maybe, just maybe I find the kinky knight of my dreams and we ride off into the sunset on a black stallion, naked and hands bound- but what are the chances of that? (I don't believe in fairytales, not even kinky ones) but if I were to win the kinky lottery and find that one in a million kinkster- then great! But I'm not holding my breath. So I think it is safe to say I think it is an insult to be considered the marrying type, cause "wife's" seem to turn into sticks in the mud- I speak from experience! I know I sure did! So you trying to tell me I'm lame and boring?! Does a boring woman have a threesome? Does a boring woman have a one night stand(ok a few)? Does a boring woman have a fuck buddy turn out to be the best "relationship" she ever had cause there were no complications with emotions and shit like that? Does a boring woman want to be spanked and humiliated, tied down? Does a boring woman want another flogging from Mistress Trinity? If so- I guess I am boring- and the marrying type.


I may be a "good girl" in the sense that I want to please- but that doesn't make me a good girl. I may be obedient but that sure as hell doesn't mean I'm a born again virgin- kneeling down in church praying for the Lord to forgive me for all my naughty, dirty, kinky thoughts and acts. Oh no- I relish in them. Give me kink- I want to bathe in it, eat it, drink it, be it! That's right people- no matter how prim and proper I may appear to be in my day to day life- you have no idea how kinky this woman is behind closed doors. So no- I'm not the "marrying type".


When it comes to men- I have finally realized what mistake I was making. Like most women I tend to go for the bad boys- the assholes! Until recently I confused cockiness with confidence. Cockiness is completely different- they are the type that are only into themselves, what they want. They are out to prove to everyone else that they are all that. They want to be noticed so they act out to get attention. Confident men not only care about themselves- they care for their partner as well. They don't try to be noticed- they just ARE noticed. Generally people are drawn to them due to the confidence they emit, they are comfortable in their own skin. After 27 years I finally figured out the difference- now to find it! I've found pretty much nothing but cocky little boys. I want to find a confident man. I want to find a man that appears as proper as I do in public- we appear to be the perfect little yuppie couple. But one that is all out kinky behind closed doors.


I love the mental aspects of D/s so I like a man that always shows self control- is even tempered, patient. More gentle control than actually physically "making" me do something. I want one that just exuberates dominance- who can make me want to submit with just a look or a touch- not because I'm scared of being punished but because I know I'll end up doing what he wants because he is the one who is ultimately in control and I want to please him any way I can. I love the idea of going out in public and no one knowing you are being controlled by just a look or a touch to your neck, wrist, back- even whispered words. It's like a dirty little secret only the two of you know about- that is what I love most about D/s- the subtle ways of dominance. I think that shows you have a lot more control if you can get someone to submit with just a look instead of forcing them with a punishment. So is there such a man out there? Is there a man that is into the subtle mental aspects of D/s as much as I am? I'm sure there is, but I have yet to find him. So until I find my perfect kinky knight in leather armor- why not enjoy the other confident kinky boys out there? Just be confident- not cocky and we will get along great!

Love Hate Relationship

Ok, so not really- that's the only interesting title I could come up with at the moment. Many have asked what the dynamic is betweeen myself and R. Hmm- where the hell do I even start?! Well, we have become great friends- yes I'm going to get mushy here R. I would say we will be great friends for years to come- we get along well. Or I just put up with his crap since no one else will and he deals with my lack of a brain! Of course I'm being totally sarcastic- you know I love ya R even though you are forever teasing me about SOMETHING! Some have mentioned they would love to hear the banter between us because we seem to joke nonstop- yeah pretty much! I honestly think we are two of the most sarcastic people on this planet. I thought I was sarcastic! R tops all! We both have very dry senses of humor so basically every conversation becomes a battle of wits/will. I don't want to hear it R- I can battle with the best of them! I know I'm so going to hear a comment about how I will never beat you at a battle of wits- I know you too well by now. But you haven't seen anything yet! Yeah- that's right! I challenge you to a battle of wits! Ok- so I know I wouldn't win. I think it is safe to say I have met my match when it comes to wit.


The best way to explain our dynamic is The Three Stooges (well, besides the fact that there are only two of us and I'm female and neither of us is bald or jewish or named Moe. You get the idea!) meets The Odd Couple meets Grumpy Old Men meets Mr. Bean. Yeah I think that about covers it. The Three Stooges because we are both jokesters and alwasy trying to get a laugh. The Odd Couple because we are opposites in so many ways but for some reason it works out best that we are so different. Differences: R- male, Me- female. R- Dom, Me- sub. R- pessimist, Me- optimist. R- loves to make rules, Me- loves to follow rules. R- Giants fan (boo!), Me- A's fan baby! I could go on and on but that would take too long LOL. Of course we do have things in common or else I think it would be all out war! Grumpy Old Men because R is like the pessimistic crotchety old man of the group who's screaming "get off my lawn! Damn kids." Yes R, I just called you an old man. Well technically you are- you are older than me which makes you old. Ha ha! Good one huh? No? OK- sorry for that. Acutally I'm not at all :) He is the one that is on top of things, plans things, thinks things out. He doesn't let anything get to him- it is what it is and if you can't handle it then you can go to hell! I guess you can say he has a rough exterior but I know deep down he has a soft side for caring women like myself hehe. I can use that to my advantage you know! Yes R- you are a big teddy bear inside, admit it. But honestly he is one of the greatest people I have ever met. Very well rounded, very well spoken, street smarts (yeah- I have none!), actually has common sense (again I lack when it comes to that), he knows what he wants and how to get it and very faithful. I know he is on my side no matter what. You may give me a hard time every minute of everyday but I know you got my back no matter what R- that is a great trait to have in a friend.


I am the Mr. Bean part of the dynamic because I am the goofy, optimistic, not all there, spacey, basketcase of the group. I have the attention span of a goldfish- I walk from my bedroom down the hall to another room and can't remember why the hell I went to that room. I can be deep in conversation and I see something shiny or cute shoes or a cute purse and I'll stop conversation all together and all my attention goes to the cuteness in question. After that I can't for the life of me remember what the hell I was just discussing or what point I was trying to make. I am the one sitting there twirling there hair with the blank look on their face that says "I don't get it". Ask me something about history or art or books and I'll talk your ear off. Ask me what I had for lunch yesterday- I'll have no fuckin clue. Guess you can say I have more book smarts than common sense. Best way to explain it!


I think there is an unspoken rule between us that we agree to disagree on everything! Every conversation turns into trying to prove our point no matter how ridiculous it is. I think we are both stubborn and don't want to admit when we are wrong. Some of our most famous ridiluous arguments include: who is more of a yuppie- myself or R (that is still never going to be settled), who has it easier- the oldest child or the baby of the family (See- R is the oldest child and I'm the baby of the family. He seems to think that the baby has everything handed to them and I say that the oldest is treated like a king because he is the oldest and they are given everything they want, no questions asked), the need for a DVR (come on R- who doesn't have a DVR nowadays!), the amount of calories compared to a serving size of cream cheese rangoons at Panda Express being one of the healthiest things on the menu (I don't care what you say- I still win on that one. You don't get two, three servings of rangoons- you get one! So ONE serving of rangoons compared to ONE serving of orange chicken- orange chicken is more fattening. So your point is moot!). You all get the idea. So yeah- there is a little taste of our dynamic. Trying to explain our connection in a few paragraphs is like trying to explain why we are here on this planet- it can't be done. But hopefully this helped answer a few of your questions.

Is Age Just A Number?

Alright R- I know you like to give me a hard time about the age of men that I talk to. Go ahead, say it, you always have a joke for me. Well guess what? You are going to have to come up with even more jokes because my point has been proven time and time again that older men are better! Due to recent events- I am not talking to men my own age- does not seem to work! Ok R? I tried it your way- now I'm doing it my way. R has teased me nonstop for chatting with anyone over 35. Hey- 35+ is not old! Most men I actually connect with are 40+. Sorry R- just the way it is.


I have always been more mature for my age- I'm 27 but everyone says I'm a 50 year old in disguise. I'm just not into the superficial things people my age are into. Hell- my closest friends, except for 3, are in their 50s, 60s, one is even in their 70s! Why? One- I am mature, not saying I'm not young in some aspects- I do have my moments of course. Two- older individuals have more life experiences to learn from and can actually give sane advice! I also think it has a little to do with authority. Immediately when I come in contact with someone older- I see them as an authority figure. Of course- being a sub I crave authority and am drawn to it. Also- in terms of a Master- hello! Older= more experience which= more learning and pleasure! Plus- older individuals are more secure in themselves. They're not out to prove how "badass" they can be. They know who they are already and know what they want. As do I! I may "change my mind" a lot- but it's only due to the fact that society tells me to think one way and I have a little birdy in my ear giving me a hard time, saying " don't go for older men! Seriously? You want a Grandpa or a Daddy figure?" NO- not for the purpose of Daddy/daughter role play. Blah- so not my thing. The thought of that makes me cringe- just not into it.


So yeah- I like older men- always have, always will. Not because I have Daddy issues- no that's not the case at all. Older men are established in life, know what they want, usually are not out to prove anything. They are who they are and you can just enjoy their company and not worry about what is going through their head or where you stand with them- they generally tell it like it is. So I may not be actively looking for a Master at this point. But I am looking for someone I can trust and learn with. I want someone I can look up to and understands I'm new to this and wants to take the time to maybe train me. I want a friend first- someone I can confide in, learn from. Boys my age are are generally looking for one thing- sex! No- that's not what I want. I want to learn and grow in BDSM- I need one that understands that and wants to teach. I want someone that is willing to go to events, show me what is out there in the lifestyle- open my eyes to this new found world.


I'm not looking for a vanilla relationship- I'm looking for either a Master or a continuous play partner.. I don't want a relationship- I am not mentally prepared for that type of commitment right now. No- I want a friend. I just want someone I can trust, one who understands the mental aspects of D/s- not just the physical. I crave mostly the mental aspects- that is what I am after. You would think it would be easy to find! Most say they are looking for the same thing- but then they say I am too shy. Well- when you've dealt with what I have- you would understand why it takes me time to open up. Most just don't want to take the time for me to open up- they want it immediately. I am not like that- I may chat openly on IM but when I meet someone in person- I close up. I can't help it- but if you give me time- I am an open book! Once I trust you- I don't hide anything. Especially due to all the fakes I've talked to recently- I would completely have to trust you in order to open up. Take the time to get to know me because I know I would be a great sub for someone. I live to please and I am open to pretty much everything. I am becoming more and more open everyday now that I am learning about the lifestyle more. In the beginning I was not open at all- but you ask me about something now and I would probably say- "sure, wont know if I like it or not unless I try it!"


So why is it so hard to find genuine, caring people? Why can I not find one to explore things with? Are you all fakes? At this point I am beginning to back away from the lifestyle even though I know it's what I want and need in my life. But maybe I'm not sub material. Or at least- no one thinks I'm sub material. So the answer to my question- is age just a number? Most say yes. I say no, it is not- it is so much more than that. I feel you can offer so much more and a more rewarding experience if you have more life experience. It's as simple as that.



Ok, ok- let me clarify LOL. Lets keep it 45 and under.

Candy And Orgasms

Oh yeah! Guess what I'm doing tonight? I'm sitting here with a 2 pound bag of Red Vines and I have eaten probably almost half of the bag! SUGAR! That's right boys- I'm back! I am getting my sugar fix- I am making up for like two weeks of no sugar and after that a months worth of orgasms! So after I polish off this bag of candy- I'm locking myself in my room and will not come out until I have had a months worth of orgasms dammit! OK- so I'd have to miss like a weeks worth of work for that to honestly happen. What?! I'm a very sexual person! I can't help it people!


Well- I am off to make up for lost time! If I don't fall into a sugar coma first. Details to come! Maybe- if I feel like it.

So Over It!

Test, test- Anyone out there? Ehem-


I'M DONE!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!


Yes people- I am done talking to Dom's at this point. I have only found cowards that are not true Dom's- they want to take up my time, tell me things they think I want to hear. Yeah- you can all go to hell! So- I will continue to post on my blog- I just may not have any experiences to post about for the time being. But there are a few topics I have been wanting to discuss so I will write about those things. Until then- lets find some kinky play partners huh? Huh? Ok- I know, I know. Just kidding. Even though I sooooooo want a spanking and rough sex- I am holding off. Sorry guys. You'll just have to wait. Come on- where are all the real Dom's? Do they exist? Huh? I am so pissed right now I can't see straight! Where have all the real people gone? I am not reaching out to anyone for a long long time! You will have to come to me and prove you are the real deal if anyone wants to talk to me! So help me if I hear from another fake- you better run! I can take care of myself and you don't want to get on my bad side! I am the sweetest person ever- unless you do me wrong. Then- good luck to you! I will go on a rampage! I don't think I am asking for all that much- just someone who is honest and open! Is it honestly that hard to find?! Oh my God- I could seriosuly strangle someone right now. I am going to go run for like 5 hours! Hopefully that helps me deal with my anger issues at the moment!


I'm Out!

My Decision

So I made my decision on who's rule to follow. yes- I took a big step and I followed Sir's rule over R's. I told R- "nope, not following your rule. I'm putting my trust in Sir and I am following his rule." So what was R's intention in this punishment? Exactly what I thought it was- to test my devotion to this potential Dom. So I guess you could say I passed!


Immediately I e-mail Sir and tell him what just went down. I tell him I chose his rule over R's. I hear from him today and he says he is happy I chose the way I did. I am glad I could please- I mean I am a sub after all. I live to please! Then he asks me- "so you've decided you officially want to be owned? No question no one else- you want to be ALL mine?" Inside I'm freaking out like a little kid "yes, yes, yes!" But I try to play cool :) I ask "is that what you want?" Of course no answer "I asked you first." Of course- forgot- not in charge here! I tell him at this point knowing what I know about him I would want him to own me. I hesitate a little even though inside I want to be owned by Sir. When it is actually presented to you- you freak a little. Well at least I did! I think- this is my chance to back out if I truly do not want to give up control. But honestly- I want nothing else than to give up control to another. But it does take a lot of trust to give one so much control.


For the time being he asked me if I wanted to complete a task for him tonight. I thought well of course I do! He said "well you may play with yourself tonight and your favorite toy. For as long as you want- but at least 10 minutes." I'm thinking "yeah! I'm getting rewarded for good behavior finally for following his rule! Finally- finally I may be able to think again! I wont be frustrated anymore." No such luck- "but NO cumming." Awww man! You are really trying to kill me! So I of course complete my task. Now in the beginning I think- 10 minutes- I can do that; I'll just stop right after that so I don't have to endure the frustration more than I have to. But as I get into it I think- "no I'm going to milk every minute of this! Who knows when the next time will be that I get to feel this." I guess I am just a masochist- I played to the point right before I knew I was going to cum. Why? I wanted to feel that frustration. I want to be on edge. I have been for almost a month now- it would seem odd to not be on edge at this point. I may complain the whole time but I love the control of being denied pleasure and I love being on edge!


So at this point I will say yes I do want Sir to own me- officially. I just need to find out what the terms are. I am excited to begin my journey in bdsm. I want to learn and experience everything I can. I am overjoyed that Sir would want to own me. So hopefully within the next couple days- I will officially be owned. Update to come.

Orgasm Dilemma

R! Are you seriously trying to make me think to the point that my brain turns to mush? I think you are- I think you take joy in making me freak out a little. Just when I thought my situation could not get any worse- it got WAY worse. R- you know I overthink everything so why put me in this position, huh? Alright everyone- as you know I am banned from any pleasure by Sir, plus no sugar. Well today I had to go without panties due to being a smartass. I'm not sure if everyone knew this but I am still following the rules R set for me as well. So I basically have two sets of rules going on right now. Now this has not been a problem- unitl now! Sometimes I think they are working together. Or fighting against one another- who knows. R's rules are in effect until I am owned- which means at the moment I am following two Dom's rules! Talk about demanding! Geez guys- give a girl a break will ya?


Here is my dilemma- I am not allowed to have an orgasm without Sir's permission. But I got another punishment for forgetting one of R's rules. His punishment for me was to have an orgasm. So as you can see- I will break someone's rule eihter way! If I have an orgasm I break Sir's rule and get a punishment from him. If I don't have an orgasm I break R's rule and get an even worse punishment from him for not completing my punishment. Either way- I'm screwed! So yes R- I am overthinking it. Why? I overthink everything- you should know this by now. Also I honestly don't know who's authority I should follow at this point! I also think- well who's punishment do I fear most? But honestly at this point that holds no weight because ultimately I am the one who is willingly taking part in their rules and punishments. So I could call it quits at anytime- I just don't have to give into their demands. So the question becomes- who do I want to follow as an ultimate authority figure?

Who is Top Dog? Do I go with my mentor because I have been following his rules for so long and he has been here through most of my journey? He's my friend- if I don't follow his rule will he take it personally and get upset I chose Sir's rule over his? Or do I show my willingness to follow Sir's rules no matter what? If I follow his rule over R's will that show I am serious and can and want to follow his rules? Will he be happy I chose his rule over R's? Will that please him? At this point I don't know what to do. There is still a part of me that keeps waiting for Sir to just disappear or not be interested anymore- so I may be following his rules and put myself out there for nothing. Or I think- is he really being honest or is he just looking to chat with some girl online for some kicks? Am I playing into his game by following his rules so willingly? Or does he truly want me to follow his rules and ultimately own me? Is he different from the others I've met so far? I hope he is. I hate to doubt him- it's not that I doubt HIM- I just doubt everyones intentions now since I have met so many that have had ulterior motives. They weren't really looking for a sub- they were looking for an easy lay. So I am very resistant to put myself out there as much as I did before. I don't want to show my true self until I fully know Sir. Know his true intentions- I get a feeling he is different but I can never tell for sure. In order to tell for sure he would have to be willing to put himself out there a little more as well.


At this point I am basing my decision on one thing- it's the only thing I can go on right now. Do I put myself out there and show my devotion to Sir- show him my willingness to please or do I take the safe road and follow R's rule since I have for so long? I still have to think about my decision- I have until 9pm tonight. So I better get to thinking!

I'm Gonna Die!

Ok- so not really. It sure feels like it at this point. Well- I decided maybe I judged Sir too quickly. I'm still chatting with him and seeing how things go. I am following a few of his rules which means me being me- I get a lot of punishments. I just seem to want to put myself through hell! The minute I decide- I'm going to be good now it seems the little devious child in me comes out. I really do want to please, but it's like this little devil appears out of nowhere and says "hey- what would happen if you disobeyed or talked back? Try it- you know you want to see what happens. What's the worst that could happen? You know you want the punishment anyways." So I go along with it and I disobey to see what the punishment will be. So thanks to the little devil on my shoulder- I have now gone 3 1/2 weeks without an orgasm or any pleasure. It's almost been a month! That is the longest I have ever gone without an orgasm. I am seriously on my last leg.


With the way things have been going- I don't know if I'll ever have another orgasm again as long as I'm talking to Sir. I just keep pushing and pushing which leads to more punishments. For the past month I have been indulging in sweets since I can't indulge in other pleasures. If you don't know by now- I am a sugar junkie! Due to the fact that I have not had any pleasure lately and R introducing sugar back into my diet when we went to Citadel (Yes- I'm still blaming you R! I was doing fine before we had dessert before Citadel. I had gone months without even looking at a cookie! You've turned me into a monster!) I have been on a sugar kick now for a while. But due to my feistiness I not only have to go longer without an orgasm now- Sir banned me from sweets! OMG! I'm seriously gonna die! I didn't notice until last night- but everytime I couldn't bare the sexual frustration anymore I would grab chocolate or ice cream or a muffin or a cookie- just something to get some endorphins pumping! It would soothe my nerves for a while. But last night when I was so frustrated I thought I could punch a hole in the wall- I went to get a cookie and immediately remembered- dammit! I can't have sweets either- what have I agreed to?


So now from the lack of release and lack of sugar- my need has intensified tenfold. I know your thinking the same thing I thought immediately- "why not just have a cookie or go please yourself? He really has no way of knowing you did." Yes- I know I could get away with it- I've tried. But the minute I think "screw it! I'm done with this- I'm so going to have like 5 orgasms tonight!" I try- but I can't! I can't bring myself to please myself. Why? Two reasons: one- I know at this point if I were the one to please myself it would not take care of my craving. No- I want him to be the one to make me cum. Two- I like the control too much! I like the fact that he has denied me pleasure. I like the fact that I enjoy him taking control. So it wont feel nearly as good unless he gives me permission to cum. As crazy as that sounds- I can't help it, it's true. No matter how much I fight the feeling of liking the control- I can't help it. Even though I have not known this man for very long and still have a lot to learn about him- I can't help but want him to control me. I love the fact that when he asks me if I'm still frustrated and if I want to cum- I reply "yes!"- the simple response "no" puts me over the edge. I'm putty in his hands- I can't help but smile. I may be frustrated as hell- but that feeling of frustration- God I love it! I love being on edge. But honestly at this point- I am willing to beg for release! I'm serious! I have no idea what I would say but I am seriously contemplating it. Yes- I'm way over my head at this point. Great- not a good place to be :)